


Ghost of Me

by Violet_Janou



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: AU, Broadway, Chicago, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Greatest showman, Happy Ending, M/M, Musical References, Musicals, New York City, larry stylinson - Freeform, one direction - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-26
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2019-05-14 00:44:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 108,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14759384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violet_Janou/pseuds/Violet_Janou
Summary: Louis Tomlinson, was a name that several years ago everyone would know when it was said but now he was just another has-been actor who peeked young and flatlined before he was 30.  He was given a second chance to get his name back in good graces with not only the media but with any producer in Hollywood who would make a half decent film.Harry Styles, a nobody. He had worked hard to get where he was on Broadway. While sometimes it was selling tickets for shows between his freelance photography gig he knew that he would make it once the right change was given to him. Thankfully with the help of a few friends he lands a spot working with Broadway's next hit show - making the film 'The Greatest Showman' into a stage show. Only he is given a job he never realized was a thing for adult men in shows.When both their paths cross they learn to face up to their past, accept their future and learn a little bit about themselves in the eyes of the other.





	1. the big apple

**Author's Note:**

> Dear Readers, 
> 
> Thank you for reading. I will do my best to update a chapter every week to week and a half. If there won't be a chapter I will post on here and on my twitter account when a new chapter will be posted up here. I thank each and every one of you who have decided to read and go along this journey with me and the characters in the story. 
> 
> The story will alternate between the POV of Louis and Harry. It will be stated at the top of each chapter who is the one telling the story. If a chapter has both of them it will also be stated for you and to make it easy to follow. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> Love,  
> Violet

**harry**

 

Semi unemployment was a term that many mid 20 year olds used who lived in New York. It’s a phase in one’s life where you are working towards a career that will keep you employed for what you hope is years while doing jobs that will pay rent, utilities, food and to actually enjoy life. It’s a feeling where you can make your own schedule and are always on edge if you will have enough money. I would give it two middle fingers up in the air to try and see for yourself. Now, sure, self loathing is part of the age where I’m at but I was lucky that I wasn’t on the difficult end of the semi unemployed spectrum. I had decent jobs at a few photography studios and free lance jobs that paid more than enough. But, the one bonus of being semi unemployed is that you could go out all night with your friends, return at 4 am with taco bell, eat it and sleep in till noon the next day. Which is what usually happens when Niall wants to go all out on an evening out. Most of the time I was in by 11, face washed, pajamas on and finishing up my latest Netflix binge whilst editing photos. But not last night, which I had regretted about my fourth shot in and sixth beer I had drank at a bar I wasn’t sure how we got there but it was either walking or Uber.

My head throbbed from lack of sleep I heard my mobile buzzing on my bedside table that I attempted to make via Pinterest post. I had done a decent job with the old crate and it did its job with holding a light, my glasses, a bottle of water and my mobile. My hand slowly left the cocoon of blankets, bedsheet and duvet I had so carefully wrapped around my body to make the horrible buzzing stop. I had no idea what time it was or if I had slept through an entire day, or if I had only been asleep for a few minutes before being awoken. I was going to blame Niall for everything when I saw him once I crawled out of my bed, which at this point I wasn’t 100% sure when that would be.

”Hello,” I said, my voice hoarse from still being half asleep. I cleared my throat as I tried again, “‘ello.”

“Hello sleepyhead,” Laura’s voice came from the other side. She didn’t seem to be out of breath so I assumed she was home. “Were you actually asleep or just laying in bed?”

“Sleeping,” I admitted to her as my voice started to sound normal and I pointed my toes and stretched the cramped and tired muscles in my body. My back cracked slightly as I continued to speak. “Niall got his own web series now with Buzzfeed and he wanted to celebrate, and you know when a crazy Irishman wants to celebrate, you celebrate. Hard.” I heard a slight smirk and I knew she was rolling her eyes and shaking her head. She had witnessed firsthand what Niall could do to a person when he went out to celebrate, since she had to take care of her poor husband Nathan who was the victim of Niall’s charming ways. “What brings you to call so early?” I asked her as my brain was finally catching up to the rest of my body.

There was a chuckle, “Harry, it’s ten past noon,” she informed me as my body clock seemed to sink with the time of day outside. “I am calling cause I wanted to know if you could be ready in about a half hour and come to lunch to meet with some people about a job.”

When you are semi unemployed people who have jobs always tend to call you with ideas for a job for you. Most of the time they weren’t anything I wanted to do and I was very rarely desperate enough to take them. But Laura, she was different. She always kept an ear to the ground and if something that really spoke to her needed someone with a communications minor and political science major qualifications then she would call me. Or when her husband needed an extra hand in the studio, which I would never pass up a chance to help them. But as the words she said sunk into my half asleep brain, it was odd that she was so… well, vague. Laura was one who would go into detail about how cute her dog was sleeping and then facetime me. Which, I accepted and encouraged. This felt different, it was on a more serious note and I was both fearful and on the verge of giddy.

“Okay… but before I sell my soul or first born child via surrogate to whatever demon you summoned for this job can I get some more information?” I asked her as I heard a dog bark behind her.

“No soul selling happened here,” she assured me. “Gavin Mitchell is working on a new show with Hugh and they came to me to read for the workshop and Off-Broadway run in Chicago to work out the kinks, and he was talking about how they wanted their social media to be relevant and really use that to push the show, I told him I knew the perfect person,” she explained to me. “And before you ask Gavin and Hugh are working with Debney and Trapanese to take _The Greatest Showman_ from film to stage,” she explained as I sat there as my mind tried to process the names of people Laura just dropped as if she was telling me the ingredients for a chocolate chip cookie recipe. My eyes blinked as my bedroom was still blurry without my glasses.

“How, um, how did he get my resume?” I asked her knowing that the link on my professional Instagram didn’t have that.

“Niall got it from your portfolio and emailed me a copy,” she said, “and now I have a copy that I can give to anyone so you are welcome,” she laughed as I wanted to be mad but the woman was an evil genius and I loved her. “So, you have the job, he loved your work with the shows you did Off-Broadway and in Jersey but he also wants a balance in the show of unknowns and those who can draw people in.”

“Like you.”

“Stop,” she said as her humility kicked in and I knew her face was bright red. “So, is it possible for you get to Cafe Un Deux Trois in an hour? I am just leaving now but Nathan left something at home so I need to drop it off for him.”

I nodded my head as I reached and grabbed my glasses off my bedside table. My head was spinning and I was sure that if I tried to stand up my legs would give out and I would break my nose falling to the ground. “Yeah. Yeah I can do that,” my mind was processing everything she was telling me.

“Just bring yourself, he has your resume and he has seen your work from what I’ve shown. You will get a rundown of those who are joining the project and get a better idea of what he wants and needs, and what you will be in charge of,” she explained to me as I heard a car horn behind her. “I will see you in an hour, Harry.”

I nodded again. “Thanks, Laura,” I managed to say as the words keep tripping and bumping into each other as I tried to speak. But all my body could do was lay there as if it was paralyzed and my brain was doing somersaults, and death drops of excitement. Once I hung up with Laura I laid there for a few seconds. _This was actually happening. I had a job with a show that was bound for Broadway. I was going to work with Laura,_ which was a dream come true, and I knew she was happy to joke with Nathan that I was working with her and not him.

 _Okay, Harry. Find an outfit. Pack your work bag. Shower. Shave. Maybe not in that order but you got the idea_ , giving myself a pep talk as I tossed my white duvet off my exhausted body, swinging my feet around they landed on the faded tan carpet in my room. My eyes looked at my closet and they moved down to my hamper, and saw that it was overflowing with my clothes from the past month or so that I wanted to wash last night before Niall dragged me out of the flat.

_Thanks, Niall._

I pushed myself off my bed and took the several steps over to the clothes, and looked through the few clothes that were left. I had my one suit for weddings and funerals, my khaki pants that I had had since University and wasn’t sure if they fit or were the proper length. “Thank god,” I said as I found my black pair of dress pants. I tossed them onto my bed and then looked through the dresser drawers for any kind of jumper or shirt that would look acceptable for a semi job interview. “That cheeky bastard took my tan jumper,” I said as I knew that Niall had come in one morning when I was half asleep and asked me for something but I wasn’t sure what it was, I had just said yes to get him to leave. “Black it is,” I said tossing my black jumper on the bed. Bending down I scooped up my black oxfords and threw them on the bed before heading out to get into the shower.

“Morning,” I called out as I heard Cecilia in the kitchen. I was shocked that she was up, but it was Lia. She couldn’t sleep past 9 no matter how much she drank, how late she stayed up. She said it was her crazy but lovable mother not believing in sleeping in. “Where is Niall?” I asked and stopped as I saw the toilet door shut. Walking over to the railing I placed my hands on the wood and looked down into the living room and kitchen. “When did he go in there?” I asked her knowing that I wasn’t going to like the answer.

“Maybe four minutes ago,” Cecilia said as she looked up at me from the kitchen where she removed her coffee cup from the coffee machine. “Why? Your shoot isn’t till 4. Or that is what the calendar says.”

My hands ran over the stubble on my face as I turned around, my eyes looking at the wood door and willing Niall to just walk out of there, deciding for the first time in his 26 years of life to take a short and quick shower. “I have a job interview,” I said walking over to the hall closet and grabbing two towels from there, shutting it I jogged down the steps and smiled at Cecilia who looked as tired as I’m sure I did and felt. “Why did we go drinking on a Wednesday night?”

“He has charm, I’m sure that he could be his own lawyer if he ever went to court,” she laughed sitting on the arm of the sofa as she took a sip of her coffee. “How did this job interview come to be, the last thing I heard was you out cold snoring in your room.”

Whipping my head towards her my eyes narrowed as she smiled and took another sip of coffee. “Laura called.” Her eyes lit up for she knew that this was a real job and not me just being nice to please Liam or his fiancé Katelyn who found me a ‘job’. I wrapped one of the towels around my neck so it covered my shirt as I laid the other one on the counter next to me. Bending down I opened up the cabinet doors under the sink and pulled out a 2 in 1 shampoo. Curious Lia moved from the couch and back into the kitchen. “I have to be at 44th street in the city in about 50 minutes,” I explained turning the faucet on and sticking my head under the running water.

“Is this a thing?”

I nodded turning my head to make sure all my hair was wet so I could lather it up with shampoo. “Yes, we came up with this system when we were in Uni. Between him and Liam they took the longest showers so the sink was the best place to wash one’s hair if they needed it done quick.” Cecilia laughed a bit. “I mean, when Niall stays with you, his showers are long, aren’t they?”

“Yes, but we are usually in there together so I’m okay with it,” she smiled and I rolled my eyes. Reaching out I grabbed the shampoo, opening the cap I put a quarter size in my palm and then began to lather up my hair. “But, this is new, I have been with Niall for four years and never once have I seen this.”

“Enjoy,” I joked with her. “No, I was going to fully shower to make a good impression on Gavin but, this will have to do,” I said bending back down and rinsing the soap out of my hair. “I have never been so nervous about a job.”

“What is the show? Or is it low key like a JJ Abrams movie?”

I couldn’t help but laugh, “I love how much of a nerd you are,” I told her turning my head and looking at her. “I don’t think so, but I also don’t want to speak when I shouldn’t.”

She held up her hands, “I understand so no worries,” she smiled at me. “Can you tell us tonight? I’m assuming that you lot are still coming by the cafe?”

“It is Thursday,” I assured her turning off the faucet as I grabbed the second towel and wrapped it around my head. Standing up my back cracked again, “and yes, tonight I will fill you both in on _everything_ I find out and can tell you.”

“Perfect,” she told me. “Do you need help with anything?”

I shook my head, “No, I need to finish getting ready, order an Uber and pack my camera bag for the shoot I have this afternoon.”

“I have the Uber,” she told him as she shooed me up the steps. “I never got to ask since we drank all last night, how was your trip home?” I asked her as I put my camera bag on the table and emptied it out, and made sure I had what I needed.

Cecilia let out a sigh as she stood in the kitchen on her mobile ordering me an Uber. “It was a business trip,” she explained to me. “I settled my father’s will. I gave my greedy brother what my father left him, which was not as much as he thought and his lawyer said there was nothing he could do, I gave my sister who doesn’t speak to any of us and blames me for his cancer, gave her what she was due. I sold what I could, kept a few things that meant a lot to me and have his house on the market,” she explained to me as I packed my bag again knowing that I had everything that I needed. “When it sells I will put that money into savings since I don’t need or want a house or move yet,” she stopped and looked down at her coffee. “I just, how can two humans be so selfish even during the death of our father? All he wanted was to see the best in them even when they were fucking shitheads,” she told me. “Sorry. I. Sorry.”

I placed my hand on hers, “I understand all too much how you feel and how your father felt too. Just know that you never have to go back to Virginia unless you want to.”

She smiled and kissed my hands as a thank you. “It’s just not how I thought my life would be. I didn’t think I would be almost 30, have two dead parents and never want to speak to my selfish asshat siblings. It just sometimes gets to me and I feel like I let someone down at some point.”

I shook my head, “No, stop that now. You have Niall’s family who loves you and you gained two mentally unstable Irish brothers, and two amazing way of out their league sister in laws.”

“And a Harry,” she said as I zipped up my bag and checked the time. I was just about to yell at Niall when I heard the shower turn off.

 _Finally_.

I kissed Cecilia on her forehead, my lips hitting a bit of her fringe as I took off running up the steps, I took two at a time as I needed to get in there and get gel, a hair dryer and have a moment to brush my teeth before I left. My hand formed a fist as I knocked on the door. “Nialler, I need gel and a hair dryer,” I explained to him as my right hand wiggled the handle of the toilet and it was still locked. “Nialler...” I pleased with him as I heard the door unlock and open.

“Niall!” Cecilia and I both yelled as he laughed and smiled standing there with a towel around his head and nothing else.

“Oi, both of you know I’ve been blessed,” he laughed as I ran into the bathroom, I grabbed the gel and hair dryer and ran back into my bedroom. “I have a job interview. I will tell you about it tonight at dinner,” I said as he followed me but before a naked Niall could sit down on my bed I had locked my bedroom door and went to finish getting ready. I had never been so happy than right now to have cut my hair off for it was just a few moments of me rubbing the gel in my hair and 5 minutes drying it. I was under a time crunch so I didn’t have time to second-guess my clothing, so off came my pajamas and on were my nice work clothes which I worried if I was going to regret the all black when I was outside taking photos. This March had been so bipolar that I wasn’t sure if the weather that was on my mobile was what it was actually going to be when I stepped outside. I stood in front of the full length mirror and smiled. I looked good, I looked like an adult who could do a job of social media for this musical and not a semi unemployed college graduate who had worn the same pair of joggers all week long.

“Teeth!” I cried out as I grabbed my billfold, jean jacket, mobile and headphones, and headed out of my room. Thankfully Niall had put on some pants and a shirt, and was down making breakfast for Cecilia as she had a bag next to my bag no doubt with food for breakfast and lunch. I dropped my stuff on the counter in the bathroom as I brushed my teeth. I looked at myself in the mirror and as much as I wanted to shave I was just going to have to let that go and deal with it. I would know better for next time. Spitting the toothpaste out I quickly gargled with mouthwash, scooping up my items, I made my way down the steps. I slipped my jacket on and put my billfold and earphones into my camera bag before I stopped, I took the bag of food and smiled at my friends. “Thank you both.”

“Break a leg, H,” Niall told me as the bacon in the pan sizzled. “Ce filled me in! Love ya mate! You can do this!”

“Stop watching those morning talk shows,” I laughed as I thanked Cecilia for the snacks, grabbed the keys and headed on out of the flat. I was too anxious, walking down the four flights of steps I saw the blue Honda Civic waiting for me. Cecilia was to good for Niall and I, I’m sure that we would both be jobless and living in a cardboard box if she didn’t hold us together like the glue that she is. “Ello,” I said to the driver who smiled at me. “I need to go to 123 W 44th Street in New York,” I said as he plugged that into his GPS.

“How is your day today?” he asked me which I normally didn’t mind chit chat with Uber drivers but right now I was trying not to have an anxiety attack in the back of his car and have to pay him to get it detailed and I didn’t want to clean up vomit.

“Good,” I told him as he put the car into drive and we took off. “Hopefully better after this meeting,” I admitted to him as my body relaxed as I watched Hoboken pass me by and we headed towards New York. I always got nervous before interviews but this was different. I felt as if I was standing on a ledge and in front of me was my future and I needed to jump and that is what scared me shitless. I wasn’t sure what I was getting into but I knew that if Laura set this up then it had to be good. Before I knew it the Uber pulled up to the cafe and I was out, paid and tipped him and saw Laura standing outside as she waited for me with a smile. No matter when I saw her she always looked so put together even when she was in yoga pants and a t-shirt. She gave me a hug and kissed me on my cheek.

“Don’t be nervous,” she assured me as I fake smiled and she grabbed my shoulders and gave them a squeeze. “It’s just Gavin and Jacq in there,” she told me and there was a weight that was lifted from my chest knowing that Hugh wasn’t in there. “Jacq wrote the book for the stage production so you don’t have to freak out that Hugh was in there,” she assured me.

I took a deep breath in and we walked into the cafe. Thankfully it was after breakfast rush and before lunch rush so the cafe was mainly empty. My shoes clicked on the black and white tile floor as we walked to the back table where Gavin and Jacq sat. They were both sitting back there, a laptop opened as they looked as if they were going over notes. As we drew closer I got a better look at Jacq. She was younger than I thought. Her blonde hair was pulled back into a top knot as she had on a white button down shirt, an olive green cardigan with jeans and brown boots. She looked young - and I’m sure that she just got out of uni but that was nice to see that Gavin was right when he said that he wants a mix of both veteran and novice in the theater community. Gavin, well, he was what I expected. He looked like any poli sci professor I had in uni. His hair was cut short, it had grey around the temples. He also sported jeans, a blue button down tucked in with a tweed jacket with elbow pads, his glasses were thin wire rimmed which made him look even more like a uni professor.

“Hello,” Laura said as Jacq and Gavin stood up and both of them gave her a hug as they turned to me.

“The famous Harry,” Gavin said as he shook my hand and smiled. I said my pleasantries and then shook hands with Jacq as she smiled and then we all sat down. “Laura hasn’t stopped gushing about you, and I’m thrilled to finally be able to meet you,” he said as the waitress came back and set down two plates of food. “What would you two like? On me,” he said.

“Coffee and some Canadian bacon and hash browns,” I said as Laura ordered coffee and some toast and an egg.

“So,” Gavin said as he put the papers away and turned towards me. “I’m sure that Laura has told you, but you already have the job, we just wanted to sit down and go over your tasks for the show and what we can expect from both sides,” explained Gavin as he took a sip of his tea. “So, you will be the head of our media and marketing team that would be in charge of every social media aspect of the show. You will have a small team of two other people to delegate other duties to. I also will have you in charge of setting up interviews for press leading up to the show as well as corresponding with those in Chicago when we do our two month run out there,” he explained as I made note in my mobile. All things that I could do and was willing to do. Not to mention that I would be able to have an excuse to go to Chicago and stay there for a month’s time and get paid.

“The show isn’t the next _Hamilton_ or _Dear Evan Hansen_ but it will be good. It’s a show that speaks to people and that is what matters.” I nodded agreeing with Jacq. “Is that okay with you?”

“Yes, I love the message of the show, and I’m sure that if we have a kick ass social media presence like _Gentleman's Guide_ then I think that this show will be a hit and reach more than the movie was even able to reach. As the coffee and food came I turned to Gavin, “Who is the cast if you don’t mind me asking? Just so I can have an idea and kind of make mockup ideas for you lot.”

“Charity is Laura, and then P.T is Colin Donnell,” he said as he named the cast. “Hayley Lewis, she is in _Riverdale_ , will be Anne. Kaela will reprise her role at Lettie and then Emily Afton will be Jenny,” Gavin told me as he then went on and told me about the kids, as well as gave me the names of those they are finalizing from an open casting call they had for the other ‘freaks’ in the musical. “So, it has been a lot of fun seeing new talent and I’m sure that you will do amazing things with the social media.”

“Who is going to be Phillip?” I asked curious as there seemed to be a silence fill the room and I felt that I said the wrong thing. _Shit._ I looked over at Laura who didn’t say much but Jacq’s face spoke more words than actual words. It was a look of fear, anger and hilarity on her face.

“Louis Tomlinson.”

“Who?” I asked not sure if I was supposed to know who that was.

“He is a washed up actor from Hollywood who Gavin is being nice and throwing a bone to,” Jacq said as she pushed up her glasses and turned to Gavin. “Why don’t you tell Harry about the rest of his role,” she said and I felt that this wasn’t going to be good.

My face scrunched up as Gavin cleared his throat and continued to talk. “You will get another paycheck from his management team to make sure that his name stays out of the headlines, he gets to work on time, and he doesn’t do anything to tarnish the show.”

“Okay…”

“Mark, the higher up, wants his name to stay out of the headlines but his direct right hand man will tell you that a name in a headline is good no matter what it says.” I got a sense of Gavin not liking Louis right hand man. “You will be getting an email from Damien and he will tell you everything, just agree and then Mark will send you the proper one.”

Chuckling, I wasn’t sure what to do or say. I never wanted to be a babysitter for a grown man child.

Jacq’s brow rose as she looked at Gavin, “see, no one wants the job of wrangling an adult, Gavin.”

Shaking my head no, I pushed my own glasses up and cleared my throat. “No, I, I would love to work on this project. It’s just - I never… It doesn’t matter. Yes,” I said holding my tongue as Laura looked as dumbfounded as I felt talking with Gavin. “I mean it, I want to do this show, it sounds amazing and I’ve always wanted to work with Laura.”

A smile spread across Gavin’s face. “You sure?”

“Yes,” I said sounding more confident than I actually felt.

There was a look of relief that came over Gavin’s face as he realized that I was serious about doing the project. As soon as our food arrived Laura and I ate while Gavin went over what the contract was going to look like for me, he talked about the script, work week schedule and a bit of everything that would happened with the show that I would need to know. I was excited, the set ideas and costumes and the entire book that expanded the story sounded and looked amazing but there was this voice in the back of my head telling me that I was crazy and making a mistake.

“Before we wrap everything up,” Gavin said as he paid for the meal, he slid over a piece of paper. “This will be your pay Harry,” he told me and I had to tell myself not to get wide eyes and freak out. While I’m sure that this wasn’t the top pay for my role but it was more than I had made in – well, my entire life. “I know it’s not a crazy amount, but we hope that it’s okay.”

Nodding my head I had to stop and actually tell myself how to speak. “Yes, this is fair and perfect,” I told him with a smile as I slipped that paper into my jean jacket pocket. Gavin signed for the check as they packed up their papers and talked a bit more about the project. “We will start on the 22 due to everyone’s schedule and that gives Hayley a day and a half to relax from filming and swing into the mindset of a stage musical and not a TV show.”

I nodded, that made sense. I wasn’t sure when my duties with Louis would begin but he assured me that Damien or Mark or both would contact me and I would know what to do from there. Standing up Laura went to the restroom and told me she would call me later. Jacq said that she was going to get a coffee to go and it was nice to meet me and she looked forward to working with me, so it was just Gavin and I as we headed on out of the restaurant. “I know you didn’t expect to watch a man,” Gavin told me. “Louis just needs someone to believe in him and give him a chance and he will surprise everyone,” he said. “So please know I don’t think that I’m just pawning this off on you because I don’t want to or that you are new so why not. It’s more than that, from talking with Laura I just feel that you will be the one who would reach him and kind of give him that push and shove that he needs.”

My cheeks flushed a bit with that compliment and I knew that Laura had oversold myself. “Thank you for that,” I told him. “I will do my best and thank you for giving me the chance on this project.”

Gavin smiled, he held out his hand and we shook. A deal was made.

I had a job.

One I wanted. One I felt I was going to regret in a day’s time.

But now, onto my other job where I would use that money to pay this month’s rent before it was due. I thanked Gavin again and headed to the subway to make my way to Manhattan. I slipped my headphones into my ears and put on some musical as to get into the zone to take photos and process everything that was happening.

**So, I got a job offer to work on a new show that is broadway bound next year as the head of the social media and the liaison for their trial run in Chicago - H**

**No need to be so casual about it! OMG THAT IS AMAZING HARRY! Why didn’t you send this to me in all caps? You will send me a message about a dog or a baby in all caps but you getting your dream job - you just say it like it’s nothing - Gemma**

**What is the catch? There is more going on than just that - Gemma**

**I have to basically be a babysitter for a man child who is to play a character. He is an actor from LA named Louis Tomlinson - H**

**He is in those cheesy teen movies with that one actress Eloise Oliver or something…. He is like LA’s bad boy. I know this from the intern at my office she was talking about him the other day. Apparently he is ‘hot af’ whatever that means. I feel so old but I’m not that much older than these kids - Gemma**

**Good to know. Well I am excited, I just. There is a lot to process - H**

**We are both old souls so I understand, when I’m doing photos for kids in high school for senior year I have no idea what they are talking about half the time - H**

**Well, the invite to Rosie’s bday is out in the mail. I love Seb and I appreciate his mother but this damn birthday has turned into something that neither of us wanted for her. Just family, some cake and have dad make us his famous BBQ. Alas….. It’s not anymore. But you and Nialler will be there right? - Gemma**

**Duh. Why would we pass that up? Plus I miss Isadora so I’m coming for your children - H**

**Seems about right lol - Gemma**

**Are you off now? Or do you have another job? - Gemma**

**I have an engagement photoshoot. It is in Central Park so it will be easy and fun. Then we have dinner at Lia’s place - H**

**I’m about to get on the subway and I will have no reception. Love ya twin - H**

**Eh - Gemma**

***black heart emoji* - Gemma**

I shook my head at my sister as I jogged down the steps and headed on the yellow line to Manhattan. I needed to stop and get some food, the coffee was strong and I could feel it as my heart raced faster than it should. _Food, then scope out some spots_ , I told myself as I took a seat and headed towards Manhattan.

***

When Niall and I met Cecilia we had just moved into Brooklyn, we were young and out of uni and starving. Niall was getting a bit bitchy so I had yelped a place that was close and we had stumbled upon Cecilia’s place. When we walked in I thought that Niall had died and gone to heaven when he saw all the homemade pastries and I had died when I smelt the coffee. Cecilia was our server and Niall tried to hit on her when she laughed and ignored it, but he was persistent and came back every day for five months until he wore her down and then she realized that she liked him and the rest is history.

“So, wait, you are basically an overpriced babysitter?” Cecilia asked as she set down our food and then sat down next to Niall. “But you also are doing the social media aspect right?”

I nodded as I picked up my fork and popped a sweet plantain in my mouth.

“Did you meet Hugh?” Cecilia asked, her eyes wide. “I saw he tweeted something that was hinting to the show but I won’t say anything,” she said as Niall cleared his throat. “Hey, I like the accent and the grey hair around the temple,” she said as she kissed Niall on the nose.

“I mean, even with that babysitter gig, that is two paychecks plus whatever you do with your photos. You should be golden,” Niall told me as he scooped up black beans on his fork. “I know that you keep saying that you want to put more into your savings, and now why don’t you use the babysitting money for that and then the photo money for fun stuff, and your income from the show for bills and food, and getting Nandos shipped to me from London.”

Cocking my head I narrowed my eyes at the crazy man who just smiled across from me. “I like everything except for the Nandos part,” I explained to him. “I, I feel that this is going to bite me in my arse and I don’t know why. Or it’s the anxiety of my life coming to catch up to me after a few years of being okay,” I ran my hands through my hair as my heart raced. “I am okay. No, I want this and I’m overthinking and being too much like my father.”

Niall snorted. “Sorry, it’s just. I see your dad sitting in his office trying to think of his lesson plan and doing exactly what you are doing now,” he joked with me as I kicked him under the table. “Oi! I love your dad, he is the coolest human in the world that I’ve ever met.”

“Good,” I told him with a smug smile. “I’m getting the script and contract sent over by the time I get home I would assume,” I said. “Then I can start working on ideas, but we don’t start until the 22.”

“Why?”

“That Louis guy is flying in from LA and Hayley had to finish up with _Riverdale_ ,” I explained to them. “Is it bad that I want to google this Louis guy? My sister said that he is known around the circles of the youths.”

“Youths?” Cecilia asked with an arched brow. “I can’t with you Harry,” she shook her head. “How is everything?”

“Brilliant,” I said my mouth full of food as Niall just gave her a thumbs up. The bell on the door rang, my eyes looked up and in walked Liam who was still in his work clothes so I knew that he had been stuck in traffic to make his way back to his stomping grounds. “Oi oi!” I said as he clapped his hand and slid into the booth next to me as I moved my plate with me.

“Ce,” he said as he kissed her hand. “You two really started without me?”

Niall nodded. “Mate, I was famished and I already had to wait for this one,” he pointed at me with the end of his fork. “What is with the suit?”

“I had a long meeting at work and I wanted to die,” explained Liam as he rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, loosened up his tie and grabbed a fork to eat. “Not to mention that Kate is freaking out over her family not replying to the wedding invites because they have to travel.”

“Aren’t they all from Boston?”

Liam nodded, his brown eyes widened as he looked as if he was crazy. “Yep. Yep. Yep.”

“Sorry,” I said as I pushed my plate over to Liam as he grabbed a plantain. “What was the meeting about?”

Liam shrugged. “First it was about the company’s finances for the upcoming quarter and then, well I’m not sure where it went from there. I zoned out and started making lists of what I needed to get done this week for the wedding to help Kate out,” he went on to say. “I feel so bad, her mum’s side is just, there are terrible, terrible people and I understand why we need to invite them but, wait,” he stopped. Turning towards me the vinyl on the booth made a squeaking noise as he did so. “You had a job interview.”

“Yes.”

“How did it go?”

I loved Liam. I appreciated the way he could be going on and on about something he was upset about or crazy excited about but then he would stop and make sure that he talks about something that had happened in his friend’s life. Most people found it annoying, I thought it was kind since he meant it, and never wanted to make anyone feel as if he didn’t care about them. Niall and I were lucky to have met him in uni when he was our suitemate.

“Good,” the word came out hesitant as his head cocked and he narrowed his eyes, his brown caterpillar looking brows. “Stop, it did. I was amazing and I’m excited and thrilled to... what?”

“Lies,” Cecilia said as Niall snickered and I flicked him off as Liam blew me a kiss. “Harry, you aren’t sure what you think about a new job. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to make this restaurant. I know that Niall wasn’t sure if he would be able to get this promotion. We all aren’t sure of the unknown but you, this is what you need in your life. You have done so much to get here and you deserve it.”

Liam wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “We are all here to support you Har. We love you like a brother and you need to go for this, you need to have faith in yourself. If you are a babysitter for a man child actor who has hit his peak at 22.”

“Thanks Li,” I said elbowing him in the side. “Anyway, how is wedding planning going?” I asked as he looked at me as I tried to avoid the topic. “What?”

“Nothing,” he said.

We all enjoyed our food and talked about what was going on. Cecilia went back to work and brought back some coffee and dessert. Once we finished I headed back home, Niall stayed to help Cecilia close up. Liam grabbed an Uber back and had some food to bring to Katelyn as well. When I got home, I looked in the mailbox and saw a package from Gavin and I was thrilled to sign and to read over the script, and draw ideas and be able to get ideas.

“You have this Harry,” I told myself as my shoes walked over the pavement and I made my way home. “You got this Harry,” I said to myself to try and convince myself that I do have this.

***

“Mail!” I heard Niall call out as I lifted my head from my desk and saw that I had passed out editing photos. Flipping my phone over I checked the time and I wasn’t sure when I passed out but it was 2 pm when I woke up.

 _Shit_.

Pushing myself up from the desk I headed out of my room and down to see what had come for me. My heart raced as I saw the envelope from Gavin. It was my contract. It was the script. It was my future in that small manila envelope.

“Is this the contract?” Niall asked me as I took it from his hands and nodded. My bare feet moved over the wood floors as I sat down at the kitchen table and tore the envelope open, and pulled everything out. There in black and white ink was the contract. My eyes began to read the words as I read over my duties, what was expected of me, what I could and couldn’t do. I was fine with it all as my eyes read down I saw where I was supposed to sign. “Here,” Niall said as he stood next to me with a pen in his hand. I looked up and took a deep breath in, my fingers took the pen from his hand and I looked down at the paper.

“Am I doing the right thing?” I asked him not looking up but knowing that he was going to say yes. “I am, I am doing the right thing, right?”

“Yes, now sign the dam-” Niall was cut off as my mobile went off. It was a number that I didn't know but it was an LA area code. “Damn papers,” he whispered as I looked at the phone and held my hand up so he wouldn’t stop talking so I could actually listen to whoever was calling me.

“Hello,” I said figuring that it was either going to be Louis or his agent.

“Mr. Styles?”

“Speaking,” I told him.

“Damien,” he told me. “I wanted to call to and go over the contract with Mr. Tomlinson.”

“Yes, that sounds brilliant,” I said as I took the pen in my hand and signed the contract with Gavin as I waited for Damien to talk to me. “What would you like to go over?” I asked him sliding the contract in the spare envelope that Gavin had sent and sealed it up to send it off to him.

“So, the contract will spell everything out for you, but you will need to make sure that his home is always filled with food, he has a way to and from everywhere that he needs to go, and that his name stays in the limelight.”

My head dropped as I pinched the bridge of my nose as Damien spoke to me. I know that Gavin had told me what he was going to say. I wasn’t stupid, I knew that I just needed to give vague replies to what he says, read the contract and talk it over with Gavin.

“He will arrive on the 20th. He will need to be picked up when he lands, his bags will need to be grabbed. Take him to his new apartment. The address is in the email and there is a package with keys and his special objects that you will need to hold until he arrives.

 _Huh?_ I thought to myself.

“You will be paid via Mark. If anything in the contract is broken or ignored then you won’t get paid .”

“Okay,” I said as I trailed off confused at how descriptive but elusive Damien was being about what was in the contract that I’m sure would sell my soul to the devil.

“Check your email in the next few hours. Pleasure talking to you,” Damien said as the phone went silent.

“Okay...” I said as there was a click on the other end and a dial tone. Setting my phone down on the table I felt like I had been punched in the gut and needed to catch my breath.

Niall cocked his head. “Interesting conversation?”

I looked at the contract and then up at Niall, “I’m fucked.”


	2. city of angels

**louis**  

 

Packing is the worst. I mean, it always starts off good, you get the larger items packed and then you are left with the little pieces of shit that you want to throw away just to avoid packing but deep down in my brain I knew that if I did I would regret it. So there I stood, on the edge of just binning all the shite I had collected in my apartment for the past 12 years or so. Standing in my bedroom I looked around at the empty white walls. All the art had been returned, the furniture went back to whatever designer picked out and I rented it from. My flat was a shell of what it used to be and I wasn’t sure if it felt more like home without all the terrible furniture and modern design or if it was more depressing now that there was nothing but a few boxes of personal items that would go into a storage unit until I came back to LA.

“It’s like when I started,” I told myself as my eyes moved down to the air mattress on the floor. I don’t know why Damien even got the air mattress, with the schedule he had for me this evening I wasn’t going to be able to sleep any until I got on the flight to New York - and even then flights that long usually keep me awake unless I drink myself into a coma. Which, at this point, was my only option.

Part of me was excited to leave LA. I had been ready to leave this place a year after I had moved here and became ‘famous’. I wasn’t sure if New York was going to be that different, other than everything being mainly in monotone colors and people who are rude with a different accent. Both places were basically the same in my eyes. But, I was at the end of my rope and if I wanted to get any other jobs I had to do this stupid musical. I had fought, god I had fought that I didn’t want to sing and that wasn’t me anymore, and I wanted to be taken serious but it didn’t seem to matter. Damien told me this was a placeholder until we heard back about a few roles I had sent audition tapes out for, Mark said that it’s not a stupid musical and I should be lucky that Gavin was risking _his_ career to help me resurrect mine and Gavin, well Gavin just looked at me like a father would look at his kid and told me that he had faith in me, and I would be perfect for the role. I was just doing what I was told at this point because I didn’t care either way.

 _God I don’t want to do this._ The words bounced around in my brain as I heard footsteps on the hardwood floor, they echoed from the empty walls and grew closer to me. I didn’t have to turn around to know that it was Damien and Mark. I could smell Damien from a few miles away and Mark, well he was here to make sure that I was good to go and to wish me the best. Which, even in the shithole town of LA there are a few decent people like Mark who care about who they represent and want the best for them. Damien, it changes daily with him.

“Why do you look so glum?” Damien’s voice called out. I turned around to see that he was dressed in a suit and looked like he was either going to be in a B rated music video or he had a work date to try and smooze a female that he should be her agent.

I said nothing as he motioned for me to follow them into the kitchen where I would be getting some sort of a ‘talk’ before I went out tonight for my last hurrah and getting on an early ass flight across the States. My eyes narrowed in on a package that Damien had in his hand, no doubt it housed the script, score, and notes he should have given me last month when it arrived and not the day before I left. “Is that for me?” I asked hoping that I was right even though I was going to be pissed if I was.

“Ding ding ding!” He called out as he tossed the folder onto the kitchen island and walked to the fridge. He pulled the door open and his face grew sad as he saw there was nothing in there. “No beer?”

“I leave tomorrow, so no,” I told him leaving out that I had a flask in my bag packed for the flight. “Script?”

“Yep. Gavin sent it to me a month ago and I just remembered now.”

“Fook, why?”

“You are better than what he is making you out to be. He said you needed that time to learn the songs and script. You are Louis FUCKING Tomlinson. You can do that in two days.”

 _Fook_. “That was real shite of you Damien,” I told him tearing open the file and looking at it. “I did need that long, you know I should have been training for that stupid aerial scene I will have to do and I should have been getting vocal coaching. It’s been a long time since I’ve sung on this kind of caliber.”

Damien laughed and rolled his eyes. “You are the star, not the other has-beens in the show. So, when you get there tell them what you need and if they say no I will just pull you. What will they do then? Nothing because they need you more than you need them.”

God I hated him so fooking much.

“No!” Mark cried out as he glared at Damien. “You should have given that to Louis when I told you, and he isn’t pulling out of the show,” he told him as I watched as Damien rolled his eyes and stuck his nose into his mobile. He was done talking, so I turned my attention to Mark as he told me what I needed to know and do. “Your apartment is all set up with furniture, there should be enough food for a few weeks in there. Wi-Fi and all those amenities are set up. Clothes and personal items will be in boxes there for you to unpack and put where you want to,” he explained to me as I looked at the script and realized that I had to memorize this and not just learn the scene I was doing that day. Panic began to set in. “Gavin had sent me the different dance shoes that you were going to need so we had those pulled in two sizes and Harry was nice enough to get them and drop them off at your flat.”

“Who?”

“Harry Styles,” he said as he showed me a photo of a short haired, gangly looking man with glasses and a dorky smile. “He is working on the show with the PR as well as he is going to help you get acclimated.”

“So a babysitter,” I said to him as Damien looked up from his mobile as he heard that word. “Is this what Gavin wanted?”

“No,” Mark said before Damien shushed him and began to speak.

“He is your bitch, so he will do what you ask or he will be fired by me, and if not then you are being pulled.”

“Again,” Mark said exhausted with Damien, “no.”

I was part mad but the other part of me knew why whoever was working with Gavin would want me to have a wrangler. “What does my new flat look like? And where is it located?”

Mark slid over his mobile which showed a nice flat, it looked like it was a brownstone but it was cut up into three flats. I was going to be on the first floor and use the main door, which was nice. “I wanted to get you a studio close to the theater where you will be rehearsing but Damien got you this one that is close to Central Park,” he explained as Damien smiled and took a small bow as if I should be thankful for that. I would have rather had a small place for me to live than another massive flat that I never used. “Here is a list of names and numbers in case you need them for the employees in the show.” Reaching into his bag Mark pulled out two keys. “Here is a flat key, a spare and a mailbox key. Damien was supposed to send a copy to Harry but didn’t so if you want to get one made for him that would be good.”

“Noted,” I said but he knew that I wasn’t going to actually do it. At least I was consistent with being a disappointment to those around me.

“That Styles kid will pick you up at the airport and whenever you need a ride he will drive you.”

“No,” Mark said again. “He will pick you up from the airport and bring you to your flat and I think he will come and get you for the first day of rehearsal,” he explained. “It’s scary going in on your first day alone and so he said that he would walk in with you so you didn’t feel awkward.”

“I’m an adult, I’ll be fine,” I snapped as I looked down at his photo and wanted to take a marker and color in his teeth. “How did he even get this job?”

“He has worked on Off-Broadway shows for a few years, he also worked at times at Drift Studios which is where a lot of Broadway stars go for headshots and that is what the Tony Award uses for photos for their promotional usage,” Mark explained to me. “He is friends with a lot of A-listers on Broadway and he is someone who you might not want to piss off with being a jerk.”

I wanted to be upset with that comment but there was a lot of truth behind it.

Looking up from his mobile Damien looked at me. “He is your bitch, plus you are the name that is going to draw people in to see you, not that that one wolf guy is a producer.”

“Hugh Jackman?” I offered but he waved his hand in the air.

“Unimportant,” Damien said as he set his mobile down and finally looked at me. “What is important, is that you can do whatever you want and they can’t touch you. You are bound by contract that you have to at least open the stupid ass workshop for this sorry ass show before I can pull you do to real work.”

I felt Mark’s blood boiling as Damien spoke, “He isn’t being pulled.”

Damien snickered. “Sure thing, gramps. Why do you still come to these meetings when all you are going to do is be a downer?”

I was about to open my mouth and tell Damien to calm down when I heard the front door of the flat open and the sound of boots walked across the hardwood floor. Looking up I saw Eloise walk into the kitchen area with a smile on her face. “How is my darling,” a voice called out until she saw that we were alone. As she looked around and saw that it was just me, Damien and Mark she relaxed and poked me in the side. “Oh, thank god no one is here,” El laughed stopping as she carefully took off her shoes and set them down, and walked over towards me. “Hello Mark, Louis, dickhead,” she said addressing Damien who gave her the middle finger. “Is the meeting almost done?”

Mark nodded as he shut his folder and looked at Damien. “Finish up.”

Damien slipped his mobile into his pocket and turned to address me one last time in person before he left. “When you land in New York text Harry, he will get your bags and he will take you to where you need to go. If at any point they are treating you less than what you deserve you call me and I will have heads fucking roll,” he said as he stood up and looked at me. “I will call when I hear back from those films. They said sometime next week.”

I gave him a thumbs up as his face went right back into his mobile and he headed towards the front door. Eloise smiled and waved as her eyes glared at him the entire way out of the flat. I turned and smiled as Mark stood there, he was about to leave when he set his stuff down on the island, he walked over to me, wrapping his arms around me he gave me a hug. “You got this Lou, I know that you do,” he told me. And for once, I believed what he said he actually thought. I had fooked up enough times to know that this wasn’t one of the times that I could get away with being the person Damien had created. I was his creature and he was my Frankenstein. Mark gathered up his papers as he headed on out of the flat. Eloise put her hand on my shoulder giving it a squeeze, she was about to say something when Damien came running back into the kitchen. I thought for a 0.1 of a second he was going to say goodbye to me. But, when he opened his mouth I realized I had been stupid and too hopeful.

“Remember, tonight you are going out with Z and the rest of the guys. Make sure that you are seen by the pap and get a few photos taken. You going, slut?” He asked as he turned to El as she rolled her eyes and placed her hand on my arm to tell me not to snap at him.

“No,” Eloise said pretending to look sad. “I have a 3 am ride to the airport and as much as I love going to clubs where I can get both syphilis and mint flavored condoms I will pass,” she took her hand and waved at him so he would get the hint to leave.

“I’ll make sure we are seen and we are tweeted about,” I assured Damien as he flashed me a fake smile and headed back towards the front door. Both Eloise and I waited until we heard the door shut, and then lock behind them before we said anything to each other. “Thanks for coming,” I told her as she looked around the flat.

“Is there a place to sit and talk around here?”

Laughing, I took her hand, “I still have an air mattress,” I told her as she narrowed her eyes and we headed into my bedroom. “Oi!” I said to her as she stopped, turning around she walked back over to me and wrapped her arms around my neck and gave me a hug. “Thank you for stopping by,” I told her as she took my hand and we headed into the bedroom. “I was all tense and in my head.”

“I have a way to change that,” El said as she sat down on the bed and pulled me next to her. “We can either watch Doug the Pug videos, or if you want we can watch 90’s boyband music videos,” she laughed as she laid her head down on the pillow and I followed suit. “I’m sorry you have to go out tonight.”

I shrugged. I just planned on getting drunk so I could be out of my mind and body whilst I was out with my so called mates.

“Try not to get drunk.”

She knew me too well.

“I love you Lou, and your liver and lungs will give out one day with the way you drink and smoke,” she went on to say. “I only say this because I care, and the simple fact that I won’t be here to help get you cleaned and sobered up for the flight tomorrow.”

I knew that, and I think that is why I wanted to just go out and get drunk so bad was that everything around me was changing and I didn’t know how to cope with it like an adult. I blame that I was a pampered Hollywood prick - like Christian Bale if you must compare and contrast. Drinking and smoking, I mean I’m almost 30 and will forever be a wash up in Hollywood, I might as well start playing that part? I mean, it’s what Damien had build me up to be in the years of working for him. The overly hetero man who drinks and smokes, and has a hot as fook girlfriend and the coolest friends. Eloise turned to me and I felt a lump forming in my throat as I looked at her, and I felt as if I was losing her. I knew that I wasn’t, she was just going onto bigger and better things and I was just going onto a project that would take me. El had become a sister to me over the many films and years of us being linked together in more ways than one.

“You know that I’m proud of you, right?” I expressed to her as she nodded her head. I knew that she had reservation about going and making this film, after all the past 12 years all we had done was stupid teen films where we fell in love, broke up, and then ended up together again. This was her time to show that she had the chops to make it in this sinkhole of a city.  “You are better than the shite that we called film. You know that as well, right?” This time a smile spread across her face as she nodded once more. “Thanks for the past, what seems like five million years.”

Cupping my face El looked me in the eyes. “You know that I’m proud of you too?” she told me as I tried not to laugh, but I knew that she was, I just didn’t know why. “You are also better than the shit movies we had to make,” she went on to tell me. “You have a beautiful voice Louis, go to New York and don’t let anyone put it out okay?”

I knew that she wasn’t just talking about my ability to sing.

“I am just a text away, hell, I will even use my international minutes to call you,” she joked with me as she laid her head on my chest. “I’m going to miss this. I always felt so safe with you.”

“Same.”

There was a long pause as Eloise thought about what she was going to say next. She ran her fingers up and down my chest as my eyes began to close as if she was lulling me to sleep. “When you get to New York can you promise me one thing?” She finally asked me and I felt my body freeze for I wasn’t sure what she was going to ask me. “Can you promise that you will be you?”

“I am always me.”

“No, you’re not,” she told me blankly. “Just, just promise me that you will try and be you and not the you that Damien created because he is a sick asshat.”

Snickering, I kissed El on the top of her head as she held me close. “I will try.”

“Thank you,” she said, her voice was soft as her face was buried in my chest. I knew that she was about to cry and she didn’t want to cry in front of me. So, instead of talking we just laid there. I wasn’t sure what El was thinking of, but I could have guessed it was close to the thought bouncing around in my head. We were both going out on a limb with our careers and for the first time we weren’t doing it together. I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it - from just knowing how the schedule was going to be, this was going to be the most intense and physically challenging job I’ve had since I was playing footie for a club team back in Doncaster when I was in my teens. I had this sense of dread that Gavin had put his faith in me and I wasn’t going to be able to show that I was worth it. At some point I knew in the back of my head that I was going to fook up so big that they would cut me and I would be stuck there not sure what to do. Out of everything that was going on in my head, I wasn’t sure if I had what it took. I didn’t want to be known or seen as the guy from Hollywood they are using for his name to draw in fans, but, at this point it might be all that was going for me.

“Do you think Damien would believe me if I said I was sick and couldn’t go out tonight?” I asked Eloise as she laughed, rolling over she looked up at me. “What?”

“You had a broken foot and he still made you go out to that club with me for photos to get buzz about a movie. I doubt that he will let you get out on your last night to have your name slandered in the headlines,” she told me and I knew that she was right as much as I didn’t want to go out and drink. I could sit at home, get drunk and pass out in my boxers, have a nice wank and be good to go. I was getting too old for this pomp and circumstance of going out. “Speaking of going out,” she said looking down at her watch, “you better hop in the shower and prep for tonight before -” she was cut off as we heard the knock on the door echo through the empty flat.

“Zak.” We both said as we sat up from the air mattress.

Getting up I pulled Eloise up to her feet as we both stood there. “I will find you some clothes so you don’t look like a poor college student one last time,” she laughed as she cupped my face. “I wish you nothing but the best, darling, go to New York and enjoy the time there,” she said as the knocking got louder. “I’ll let him in,” she told me as she kissed my nose. “You better text me when you land and all about practices, and when you meet Hugh Jackman.”

“Oi, what is wrong with me?”

“He is a silver fox, you aren’t,” she laughed as I flicked her off and she saved it and put it in her pocket.  

“Soyez incroyable à Paris,” I said to El and she stopped and looked at me like I had three heads. “Be amazing in Paris,” I said to her as she just shrugged. “I will buy you an eBook on how to speak French,” I joked with her as she shoved me into the bathroom and she headed to get the door so my neighbors wouldn’t call the cops on Zak.

I turned the shower on, as the water heated up I stripped from my joggers and worn out grey t-shirt. Standing there I could hear the muffled voices of Zak and a few other people he had with him and Eloise. My eyes locked onto the tile floor as I got into the mindset that I was going to need tonight. I was just going to remove myself from this and act without thinking or being there mentally. It was how I survived this long in LA and it was how I was going to survive New York.

“Tonight is going to suck,” I said to myself before I stepped into the shower. Tonight was going to suck.

 

***

 

The lights of the club changed from the purple to green as they flashed across the dance floor as a hundred or so people danced on top of each other, their sweaty bodies moving in ways that I didn’t care to join in on. The entire place smelled of sweat, Axe body spray, desperation and cheap perfume that you get at Kohl’s on sale by a celebrity who just let a company use their name for promotional use. The music was some techno and EDM shite that I didn’t care for, or that I wasn’t drunk enough to care for. We were on club number seven of the night and I was on drink it was too high to count in my state of mind of the night. I teetered as I walked towards the bar, I needed one more beer before I drunkenly ordered an Uber to take me home. I had been mixing my alcohol all night so I was either going to end up shitting myself in my sleep or vomiting until I pass out from dehydration. I was losing the numbness that I had when we hit club five and in order to keep going with Zak and his mates I needed to be in a state of nothingness like that of Zen people.

“What can I get you?” the bartender who had too much product in his hair and was hitting the gym a bit too hard asked me.

“Beer. I don’t give a fuck what kind. I just need a beer,” I yelled over the music as he nodded, he grabbed a glass and went to get me whatever was on tap. I was just going to put it on my tab and Mark would come by tomorrow, and pay it for me while I slept it off hopefully on a flight.

As the bartender came back he handed me the beer, smiled and added, “it was added to your tab.”

I gave him a nod as I sipped the foam off the top. As the liquid hit my mouth and moved down my throat I began to feel the numbness setting in. My eyes scanned over the bodies of people to try and find the group that I came with. I knew that a few had left to get it on with girls they had met at clubs, Zak was off someplace either selling some weed to some kids or snogging with a hot girl he wanted to be his booty call of the evening. Part of me wanted to just stand there, finish my beer and then leave but I had to be out until a certain time, I needed to get one more pap photo encounter from another club, and then I would be able to go home.

“Excuse me,” a voice that I didn’t know said. As I turned the room seemed to wobble back and forth a bit. There stood this plucky bright eyed blonde and her plucky bottle blonde friend. “Are you Louis Tomlinson?” she asked me as she held a drink and I knew that she was underage by what she was drinking, and the fact that most of it was still in her cup. I nodded my head, I had to prep for a photo op and then I would be able to leave, so this fan might have actually saved my life. Both their faces lit up as the bottle blonde fumbled to find her mobile. “Can we get a photo?” they asked as I nodded my head they both stood on the side of me and smiled as they took the photo. I had no idea what my face looked like but I knew they would post it.

 _I can leave now_ I thought to myself as I downed the rest of my beer in my cup. “Cheers.”

“I wanted to say sorry,” the blonde said as I stopped and looked at her. “I’m sorry that Eloise took that job in Paris and you weren’t able to go. You both are so in love and it shows us,” she gestured to her and her friend, “that love is dead if she would do that.”

“She got a great job opportunity and I wanted her to take it,” I said as my words slurred as I tried my best to form complete sentences. “Plus, I’m going to New York for a job so we both wanted to try something new.”

The bottle blonde rolled her eyes. “If I was her I would have followed you. You are the man and being a girl means you need to follow where your man goes,” she told me. As she spoke I felt my chest growing tight and the walls of the club seemed to be moving closer to each other.

“Do you think you will ever propose to her? I mean, you have been together since you were 17,” the blonde said and as those words left her lips the entire room looked like a scene from _Doctor Strange_ , and began to rotate and move, the faces of the people around me grew distorted and the music seemed to just stop all together. My hand let go of my glass as the plastic cup hit the floor, a bit of the beer left fell onto the feet of the girls and the vans that I was wearing. I watched as their mouths moved but I heard no sound. My feet moved as fast as they could as I pushed myself through the crowd of people towards the side door. I didn’t care what it said, the words were blurry anyway. My hands pushed the sticky door open as I almost fell out of the club and into the alleyway. As the door slammed shut my body jerked back into reality as I heard a few cars drive by and the laughter of a group of people walking on the street.

 _Fook_. I thought as I braced my hand up against the brick wall as my body jerked forward. I held my mouth shut as I felt the mixture of alcohol that was in my stomach come up. _No. No. No nonono_ I thought as I moved my hands to my knees. My entire body jerked again and this time I couldn’t keep my mouth shut. As soon as my mouth opened up the contents of my stomach came up and landed on my shoes and the dirty pavement. My body heaved again as more liquid came up. My esophagus hurt but I was able to breathe and I didn’t feel like I was inside of a water balloon sloshing around. I hated that I did this to myself, but yet I kept on doing it. Standing up everything seemed to spin as I tapped on my jean pockets to try and find some smokes to stop my hands from shaking, but every pocket was empty. _Can this night be any more fooking messed up?_ I thought to myself as I leaned against the wall and took a few deep breaths in. My hand then fumbled in my pocket for my mobile to check the time. The last time I looked it was midnight and I still had time before I had to leave. I knew that the car was coming to get me around 4:30 am for my 7 am fight.

“Shite!” I hissed as the screen on my cracked mobile read 3:45 am.

I was screwed.

“Sober up, Tomlinson,” I told myself pushing myself off the wall I did my best to put one foot in front of the other to get myself a taxi. I stopped to lean over and vomit once more before wiping my mouth with the back of my hand and then I kept walking, slowly this time so I wouldn’t vomit on the street or in the taxi.

 

***

 

“So, the problem is that if I move out there I don’t think that I would ever finish up school. I mean, I don’t care if I do. College is kinda pointless when I can just start a YouTube channel and get paid that way. But my parents are tots old school and said they would cut me off if I didn’t finish so here I am. Flying back and forth while he works on his art and to have his collection done so he can set up a gallery viewing while I stay in New York and try and finish up school which is so pointless.”

My head throbbed as the voice of the annoying 20 something year old spoke to the older woman sitting next to her. Since we took off from LA this girl hadn’t stopped talking. All she did was talk about her life, her relationship problems and whatever came to her bloody mind. I had half the mind to remove my headphones and tell her to shut the fook up, but I didn’t want to be kicked off this flight, and I don’t think Mark or Damien would be pleased with me if that happened. I had been praying to whatever god was listening to me to make this flight end but it seemed that they had laughed at me and my hangover state of mind and made the flight seem like it was lasting several years. I had been up and down a few times each hour to first vomit, then dry heave and then to shite my brains out. Now, I had spent the past two hours trying to sleep with my headphones in but this youth couldn’t stop talking. I by now was an expert in her relationship with her boyfriend and I wasn’t sure who was more thick - her for thinking that not finishing college was a good idea, or that he was an actual artist by selling art made out of old chewing gum.

I wanted to get up. I wanted to stretch my legs more than walking to and from the bathroom where I was sick in. I wanted to have a few smokes to calm my nerves and stop my hands from shaking. I also wanted to stop hearing this girl speak. Taking a deep breath in I paused my music to listen to what the older woman had to say to this younger girl. It was like watching a poorly written soap opera - or even a shitty script that I would have to act in.

“School is important,” the older woman said, “but love is an amazing thing...” she trailed off as my eyes rolled and I closed them as I heard the bing bong in the cabin as the plucky flight attendant voice came through the entire plane. I was praying that this was the announcement that was telling us that we were landing finally.

“Ladies and Gentleman, Misty and Jeremy will be coming through the cabin now to collect the rest of your trash before we land in JFK. It is a beautiful 55 out with some sun but New York has decided to give you a proper greeting with cloudy skies,” the bottle redhead said as her voice sounded as if someone was scratching broken glass on my ears and eyes.

Adjusting in my seat once more my eyes opened as I handed my empty cup to Jeremy as I looked down at my mobile and decided to open up the file for the music backing for the show. I had put off the idea of me having to sing in front of people. I hadn’t done that in so many years I wasn’t sure if I could even do it. Mark had told me he would have set me up with a vocal coach to help my pipes get back to where they were, but, Damien being his peachy self said no. So, I was stuck at square one. Sure, I had sung in the shower, drunk karaoke, in a car when El was driving. But, live and in front of people who have won Tony Awards, that might not even happen. Part of me hoped that my vocal cords would break and then I would be a mute, and never have to deal with any of this ever again. I needed someone to pull a Tonya Harding and just smack my throat with a club so I could just get on a random flight, and start my entire life over again. Mute and alone.

“I just, I want to be with him. I want to have his babies. I want to love him for the rest of my life and he is an artist of such talent and taste that I know me not finishing school would be okay for we will be set,” the dumb girl said.

 _Lord give me strength_ I thought to myself as I saw the flight attendants walk back to their seats. Opening up the window screen I could see through the bug covered windows that we were approaching the city that never sleeps. Within a matter of minutes the skyline of the city I had only been to for a few movie premiers came into close view. I heard the wheels of the plane lowering and with a blink of my eyes we were being pushed forward by centripetal force as the plane’s wheels hit the tarmac and we landed. The city itself looked so grey, kind of how I felt inside but there was also something so poetic about it.

“Welcome to New York! And on behalf of myself, Missy, Jeremy and our pilots Martin and Douglas we want to thank you for flying Southwest and we hope that you choose us for your next trip.”

As she talked about to stay seated I unbuckled my safety belt and turned on my mobile. I wasn’t sure if anyone would have messaged me while I was on the godawful long flight but it was worth it. Plus, I had to contact that Henry guy. As my mobile buzzed with emails, twitter notifications, a few texts, I let it go until they were all done loading so I didn’t have to fight with it while trying to read. I watched as everyone who sat around me was ready to go and get moving and out of the plane.

 **Have fun in my home! I can’t wait to see you in Chicago on opening night Lou. I love you and know that you will be BRILLIANT. I’m just a call away. Also, send me photos, I can pretend I’m back home via the photos (: - El**  

I felt a smile escape my lips before I buried it back down with any emotion of excitement of happiness about coming to New York. Grabbing my rucksack I stood up as we filed out of the row. I grabbed my smaller suitcase and followed the two women I sat next to as we left the plane. My back was stiff as I walked slowly out of the plane. I was going to need a massage or to manipulate my back so it would crack and stretch out. My legs loosened up with each step that I took and I finally got feeling back in my arse from sitting for so long. I kept my headphones in as I walked through the airport and to the baggage claim. I didn’t expect my bag to be there right away so I took my time. As I made my way through the airport I looked to find a place where I could have a quick smoke. I knew that Gavin was going to lecture me when I saw him this evening for dinner - but it was a habit that I didn’t want to kick, nor that I thought I could kick at this point in my life. “Oh, thank god,” I said as I found a smoking section and ducked in.

I needed something to calm these nerves or I would be a nervous wreck. Finding a spot, I took a deep breath in as I swung my rucksack around and pulled out my smokes. “Can I borrow a light mate?” I asked as the man next to me handed me his lighter and I was able to light my smoke and take a drag. As I felt the nicotine enter my lugs my hands stopped shaking and my head began to clear up a bit. I took several more drags before putting it out on the sole of my shoe, my hand grabbed my suitcase and I made my way to baggage claim as my mobile dinged again.

**Hi Louis, this is Harry Styles with the show. I am by baggage claim 13. I have a green jacket on, glasses and a tan beanie as well. Look forward to meeting you - Harry**

I couldn’t tell if he was perky or if he had good texting etiquette where he sounded nicer than he was? My hand twitched a bit, wishing I had had another smoke before meeting him I took the escalator down to where the bags were. I hoped that both my bags were there, he would have grabbed them and we could be on our way. Damien didn’t tell me much about him, other than he was connected but he was basically a nobody. As I descended I saw a bunch of happy faces embracing their loved ones. It was like an American version of the opening scene of _Love, Actually._ My eyes scanned as I saw what carousel I was at and there he was, he was taller than I thought, and so fucking skinny. He looked like Gumby.

 _Here goes nothing_ I thought as my shoe stepped off the escalator and I made my way over to Harry. He had his face in his mobile screen, but as soon as he looked up and saw me he gave me what I figured was a genuine smile, and slipped his mobile into his jacket pocket. He was already a bit better than Damien.

“Hi, I’m Harry,” he said as he extended his hand and looked at me. I smiled quickly as I shook his hand and realized that my bags weren’t there. “How was your flight?”

“It was from LA to here, so fooking long,” I told him as I watched the bags pass by. “Did you happen to grab my bags?”

Harry’s eyes grew a bit wide behind his clear rimmed glasses and he looked as if he was holding back a snort as if I should get them myself. I could tell by the look of his face that he was thinking about what he was going to do and say to me. After several seconds, he smiled and took a deep breath in. “What do they look like?” He finally asked me as I extended my hand and pointed to the red suitcase passing by with the footie luggage tag. His legs moved quickly as he grabbed both of them before they went all the way around again and made his way back over to me.

“Are we taking an Uber?”

Harry shook his head. “No, I have my car.”

“You have a car?”

“Yes, I don’t live in the city and it’s easier to get to work driving, plus I do photo-”

“Yes is good.” I said cutting him off.  “I don’t like chit chat,” I told him as I motioned for him to lead the way. I wanted to get out of these clothes, shower and hopefully have a quick nap before I had to get ready and go to Gavin’s for dinner. Not only was the hangover still throbbing in my head and my body was slowly shutting down from exhaustion. With a sigh and a smile Harry headed out the doors and towards where I assumed his car was parked. Thankfully Harry listened to what I had asked and he had kept his mouth shut as we walked - I wanted to sneak a smoke but I didn’t want to hear a lecture from Harry. He just looked like someone who would give me a fooking lecture about it. As we walked his mobile kept on beeping as he got messages and even a missed call but he kept it in his pocket, when he did reach into his pocket he pulled out the keys to his car as we stood next a blue Honda Civic. He opened his boot and quickly put both of my suitcases in, and then opened up the back door as to tell me that is where my rucksack and smaller suitcase should go. I followed his gesture as I slid into the passenger seat and he got into the driver’s seat.

In a few swift motions he turned the car over, as a podcast began to play, Harry plugged in my address into his GPS , clicked his mobile into a holder and we took off.  The podcast filed the silence that I had wanted so much so I couldn’t complain at all to Harry for listening to me - which was something that I wasn’t used to. Once we got out of the airport and onto the highway Harry turned the volume down and spoke to me. “Gavin said that he sent you the script and book for the show. Your dance shoes are in your flat, you need to try the two sizes on and see which one fits, you don’t want them to be too loose or they won’t work properly. Tomorrow we start rehearsal at 8 am so I will be at your flat around 7:15.”

“Really?”

He nodded his head as he merged into the traffic and the airport was quickly behind us, the city that everyone loves so much and wanted to live in was in front of me. “Gavin asked me to get you on your first day,” he lied. He did a good job, and it wasn’t a lie that he wanted to tell, it was just the nice way of putting the fact that Damien wants me to be this celebrity that I wasn’t anymore. I also knew that it was Gavin who wanted to make sure that I got there to show to whoever he was working under that he wasn’t going to have me spoil this show.  

My brain told me not to be a dick, but when I opened my mouth the years of conditioning by Damien came out towards Harry, “Fan-fooking-tastic,” I hissed as I placed my feet on the dashboard and looked out the window as I saw the skyline come alive before my eyes. No matter how they spun it, I was being treated like the child that I acted like. I knew that I should have tried to talk to Harry, maybe ask him about himself, see where he came from since he had a British accent, I wanted to know what he thought about the show but I sat there as the podcast filled the silence. The drive wasn’t bad, I was used to LA traffic and while this was bad, it didn’t seem as angering as it did when I was out there. Before I knew it, Harry pulled up to the curb where my new flat was going to be for the next few months before I either went back to film a movie or they fire me. I knew that no matter how hard I worked I would never make it to the workshop in Chicago. Before I even had the chance to get out of the car Harry had unbuckled his safety belt and was at the boot of the car getting my suitcases. Making my way slowly out of the car I grabbed my rucksack and smaller suitcase from the back of the car and followed Harry over the pavement and up the front steps of my split flat. With each step I watched him carry two 50 pounds suitcases up seven steps without any struggle.

“Can you get the door?” He asked me as I struggled to make it up the steps.

 _I’m fucked once we start dancing._ I thought as I set down my bag and began to rifle through my rucksack. Mark had given me a key and I wasn’t sure if I had brought it, and if I did, I had no idea where I had put it in a drunk state of mind last night. “Shit,” I hissed as I began to look in the front zipper of my bag. “Found it,” I said pulling it out. I was going to hand it to Harry and I realized that his hands were full. “I got it,” I said as Harry walked a bit back and I was able to unlock the front door and push it open.

I had always lived in a high-rise and wasn’t sure what it was like to live in a proper flat. When I walked in there was a small hallway and then to my left there was the living room with a nice bay window that looked over the street. As I moved in there was a couch, a few chairs, a desk in the window and then as I walked towards the one bedroom that had French doors there was the kitchen on the right hand side. It was small but it felt nicer than the place I lived in LA already.

“Well, if you need anything you can just shoot me a text or a call,” Harry told me as he set my luggage down in my room. “There is a folder with some of my favorite places in the area from coffee, tea, food and there is a local British bakery that reminds me of England so if you need a fix you can go there. I will see you tomorrow at 7am.”

“Okay,” I said to him as he stood there and I just looked at him. “Bye.”

Harry smiled and headed towards the front door. “Welcome to New York.”

“Ta.” I said as I shut the door and locked it as he went back to his car, and I stood there not sure what to do with my life. My entire body seemed to slump as I walked back over to where my bed was. I need to shower but my bed was calling my name and that was where I planned on being. “Alarm set,” I said as I set several alarms to make sure that I was awake and alive for dinner tonight.

 

***

 

“Cheers mate,” I said to the Uber driver as I arrived at Gavin’s house. I was only a few minutes late and this was due to an accident that I couldn’t have seen happening. My body felt as if I was sleepwalking. Two hours before leaving for Gavin’s I was in the bathroom vomiting yet again from the alcohol, the lack of food in my stomach and nerves. I just wanted to get something in my stomach so it didn’t get upset again and I ended up in one of his bathrooms sick. My mind was lagging as it was thrown off from not sleeping and now my body is three hours ahead of what it should be and everything in my life just seemed off.

Shutting the Uber door I turned to walk up towards home when the front door flung open and humans came running towards me with no shoes on and already in pajamas. “Uncle Louis!” Mia and Andy cried as they ran down their stairs, I knelt down as Mia jumped into my arms and Andy grabbed my leg. “Welcome to the best city ever!”

“So much better than LA,” Andy told me as I laughed and kissed them both on the top of their heads.

“Leave Louis alone,” I heard the voice of Olivia as I looked up and she smiled at me. “You can tackle him once he gets into the house, we are letting the heat out and we just showered, and now your feet are getting dirty” she laughed at her children as they unlatched themselves and ran back inside as I followed. “Welcome, darling,” she said giving me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Gavin is finishing up dinner, so you can hand me your coat,” she said as I slipped my jacket off my body and walked into their home. I had always loved Gavin’s home, it felt like it was out of a telly show, but in a warm and you never wanted to leave kinda way.

“Uncle Louis, look at what I’m learning in dance!” Mia called out as she pulled me into the living room where they had a tape dance mat set out. “I can’t tap on the real floors or mom and dad get really mad at me,” she explained as I looked over at Olivia who just rolled her eyes. I stood there as she slipped on her tap shoes and showed me a few of her dances and kept saying that it was supposed to be different but she hadn’t learned that yet. “I want to be like Ginger Rogers.”

“Now, that is someone who is old. How do you know who she is?”

“My dad, duh,” she told me as I let a laugh leave my lips as we headed into the kitchen where Gavin was placing all the food on the table and Olivia was having the kids go and wash their hands and now feet before they sat down for dinner.

“Louis,” Gavin said as he pulled me into a hug like a father pulls his son into a hug after he was gone for awhile. “How was the flight?” he asked me as I shrugged as his eyes narrowed and he asked me the most important question. “How hungover where you?”

“Damien had a night planned - I’m assuming it hit TMZ or something like that?” I asked him as Gavin nodded his head and I just shook mine. “Sorry.”

Gavin just gave me a small smile but his eyes looked sad for me. “Damien is in LA, and you are here. I run the show differently,” he explained to me as Mia and Andy ran past to get to the table while Olivia walked by and pinched Gavin’s arse before she went to sit down. Gavin motioned to the kitchen and I went on my way as he followed, “how was Harry?” he asked me as I saw that there was a seat between Mia and Andy for me to sit.

“Nice,” I told him as I took a seat. I’m sure that he was more than nice but I was just a dick and that was all that I could say since I hadn’t spoken a single word to him other than to snap at him, and a few words here and there talking about work. “He made me this folder on places to eat, drink and a local British based shop,” I explained. “He is nice, are you sure you want him to work with me?”

Andy turned and looked at me. “You are nice,” his brow furrowed as he turned to his father and asked him, “Dad, Uncle Lou is nice, right?”

Gavin’s head bobbed as I grabbed some pasta for my plate whilst Gavin poured some wine and I waved it away. I was already recovering from a hangover and I didn’t want to add more to that. As I sat there having dinner with them Mia talked to me all about school and her dance, and how she wanted to go to school for dancing and then be on the stage in the future which her parents were in support of. While Andy was telling me how much he was loving his science classes and that he joined this after school science club, and that he wasn’t going to play football because he doesn’t like it. Which, I thought was cute since it was an American thing to play football (the wrong kind) whilst growing up and if you don’t then you are lesser of a man. Both Mia and Andy told me where I needed to go and see, what I needed to do, I was invited to Mia’s play at school and Andy told me to come to his science fair all if I had time with work. I had no idea if I would have time, but knowing Gavin I would be able to go if I asked.

“Say goodnight to Uncle Louis,” Olivia said as Mia and Andy gave me a hug and I kissed them on their heads as Olivia ushered them up to their bedrooms for tomorrow was a school night and they were already up past their bedtime.

“Tea?” I asked Gavin as I opened up his cabinet, pulled down the tea bags and put the kettle on. Gavin nodded his head as he pulled down three mugs and I made the tea. I knew that he was going to want to talk to me about the show once the tea was made, and while I normally feared these talks with directors of anything, Gavin was different. He was like a father figure to me in the States and if this mattered to him I was going to try a bit harder than I would have originally. “Thank you for dinner,” I told him as the kettle whistled and I poured the hot water into the cups. He left the one for Olivia to steep whilst he lead the way to his office.

As he shut the door I took a seat on the loveseat as he sat down in his chair. Gavin’s office seemed to be a real life representation of him with the dark wood built in bookcases to the comfortable furniture and books, scripts, all his records and films that he has collected over the many years of his life. I took a seat on the worn, but comfortable green couch as he sat across from me in a brown leather chair.

“It’s not a problem, I wanted to make sure that you had a proper meal on your first day here,” he joked with me. “So, Lou, what is going on in your head?” He asked not trying to ease around the topic. We were in a safe space now and even with Olivia in the other room she had too much respect for Gavin and me to want to eavesdrop, plus now that the kids were asleep she was going to start going through her DVR and catching up on her telly.

I didn’t know what to say.

“I want you to be able to talk to me when you are freaking out, unsure, or happy,” Gavin went on to tell me. “You are now part of a family with this show and everyone has the right to voice their mind, and I know you, I know that you get into your head and I can see in your eyes that you are worried. So, please, tell me what is going on.”

I didn’t even know where to begin.

“Okay, well I’m scared,” he told me. “This isn’t a show that I would normally take on, I am also risking a lot when I vouched for you,” he held up his hand before I could speak. “I mean that in a good way. I know what you can do, I know the talent that you _have_ and the drive that is still in there someplace. While those who are working with me don’t know it, I do. I’ve seen you before and know that this show will be good for you, and not just in a career sense but in a mental sense too. Whatever Damien made you into isn’t you, even if you give me the shit that it is. It’s not and I know it. I haven’t given up hope on you Lou, and please don’t give up on yourself. Not until after Chicago,” he joked with me.

I knew that Gavin had risked some for me, but I never realized to the capacity that it had been. Now, as I sat there looking down at my tea I felt even worse than when I started. I should have been in dance classes, I should have been working on my voice and my range, I should have been getting into shape and not having the stupid beer belly that I had as I looked down and saw it pudging out over my pants.

“I can assume Damien didn’t set you up with anything I had asked him to?”

I shook my head. “He gave me the script yesterday.”

Gavin’s head fell.

“I’m sorry.”

He shook his head, “I should have just texted you. I’m sorry,” he said to me as he placed a hand on my knee. “This is going to be okay Lou, this isn’t a setback.”

“Really? I have a beer gut, Gavin.”

Leaning back he looked at my stomach as I rolled my eyes. “Harry.”

“Huh?”

“We will have Harry go for some runs with you,” he told him as he pulled out his mobile. “Running will be the best for you, it will build up your leg muscles and you also will learn how to control your breathing.”

I wanted to complain but I sat there. I was going to try and be better. I didn’t want to run with Harry, but I needed to or I was going to look like a fool and I’ve been at the end of laughing jokes already in Hollywood, I didn’t necessarily want that here.  

“Harry is a good guy,” Gavin said as he set his mobile down and looked at me. “He has a good heart and he wants this show to do the best that it can be. He isn’t one to judge a book by its cover so don’t let what Damien made you spill out into this show. Put your defenses down and let Harry help, be it with running, or just with trying to be nice and start a conversation with you in the car.”

My eyes rolled and I couldn’t stop them. But he was right. Gavin was mostly always right and I mostly always felt like an arse after. “Okay,” I said under my breath.

“What was that?” he asked as he moved his head closer to me.

My eyes rolled again. “Okay.”

“I still can’t hear you.”

I hated this man. “Okay, you mad git,” I laughed as he cupped my face and looked at me as I tried to pull away. “You have gone more mental since the last time I saw you

“Eh,” he said with a shrug as he let go of my face and sat back in his chair. Picking up his tea he took a sip and looked at me again as I finished off my cup and longed for another one. “Now, happy news, did you try on your tap shoes?”

“Yes,” I laughed as I closed my eyes. “Holy fooking shit, Gav, those were fooking horrible!” I told him with a deep belly laugh. “But Harry did tell me how they were supposed to fit so I have the ones to go back sitting by my front door.”

“I’m glad that you listened,” he said to me. “Well, tomorrow will be just a read through so it will be an easy day to get settled into this new line of work.”

I nodded my head as Gavin gave me a better idea of what was going to happen tomorrow. As he spoke I realized that I didn’t care so much about my career. If I did good, then I would be happy. But if this broke me and I had nothing left I would also be okay with that. I could pack up the small amount of personal items I have, get on a flight to London with all the money I have and go back home to see if I can start over and work in a shop, and live paycheck to paycheck. But, besides all of this I would need to try for Gavin. His life was on the steak and the last thing I wanted was for him to lose everything because of me not trying. He might lose everything just because I am Louis Tomlinson. I’m tainted, a brat and someone who is a high paid semi decent actor.

 

***

 

Sleeping in a new place was always hard, you are so used to a certain way the room was supposed to look, feel, and even sound, and if you move, or even stay at a hotel it’s hard to sleep on that first night. At least it was for me. Sometimes it was the bed, sometimes it was the weird sounds, other times my mind was just going and going and unable to stop. My mind would go from wondering what the name of the paint color was on the wall to thinking about my sisters and brother, to figuring out if it was too soon to have another smoke and if I should stop so I didn’t die of cancer. Tonight, well, my mind was a bit blank, I was just sitting there as my eyes looked up at the ceiling and the moonlight came into the window.

I had gotten back from Gavin’s at a decent time, I had put my leftovers away, showered, laid out my clothes for tomorrow, had another cuppa while listening to the music for the show and walking around my flat in the tap shoes. I had crawled into bed at a reasonable time for my call but my mind was just going while my body was becoming one with the bed. _I can’t fook this up for Gavin but Damien set me up to fook up so good. I know my lines… but you also don’t know the songs and you haven’t sung professionally since you were a child and your voice hadn’t dropped yet. I was screwed. No, no I was fooking screwed._

Rolling over I flipped my mobile over to checked the time. “Seriously?!” I asked myself in a silent flat as the clock read 1:47 am. Sitting up, I unplugged my mobile and left my bedroom and headed to where the telly was. As I walked, I unlocked my mobile and pulled up the WhatsApp so I could talk with Eloise and not blow her minutes.

**I hope that Paris is as amazing as you thought it was and I know that it is - Louis**

**I can’t sleep. You know, pre first day jitters. New York is cool. Different. But cool. I had dinner with Gavin and his family which was a nice way to get settled in but it feels off - Louis**

**But I can hear you now, and no I’m not going to let that stop me from trying. My ego and fear of failing will do that for me. - Louis**

  **I have to dance. God, the last time I danced I think was in that one movie that went right to DVD and was so bad that they pulled in 2 months later - Louis**

As I texted her I ended up in the kitchen and I wasn’t hungry, I was debating on whether or not I was going to make another cuppa or have a beer. As much as I loved a good cuppa, beer always helped me sleep better than warm milk or any of those old wives tales that they have told us about. “Fook it,” I said slipping my mobile into my jogger’s pocket and pulled out the 6 pack of beer and carried it over to the living room. Setting it down on the coffee table I grabbed the opened bottle and then the remote and put the telly on. I wasn’t sure what the channels were here but I would flip through them until I found _Friends_ or _Supernatural_ on a loop until I passed out from drinking this 6 pack. I needed to kick these nerves and this was the only way I knew how to do it, and I didn’t want to burn through my smokes for they were fooking expensive in the city. “Cheers, Tomlinson for being the piece of shite everyone knows you as,” I said as I cheered with myself and downed the first beer and quickly moved onto the second.


	3. first day jitters

**harry**

 

My body jerked awake as my alarm rang through my bedroom. My entire body felt as if it was still asleep but my mind was up and working as if it had already had 5 espresso shots. Sitting up, I pointed my toes and stretched my arms over my head as my back cracked, and I got all the knots and kinks out of my body from sleeping as tense as I did. Turning off my alarm, I stayed sitting up as I looked at my mobile and what I had missed from emails, texts, and social media notifications.

Most of them were work, some about freelance photos and then a few messages from my sister, Niall saying that he got home when I was asleep, and a few texts from a boy I had been on two dates with the past week.

**Hey, sorry that it is so late, but I just wanted to say that I was laying in bed thinking of you and wished that you were here with me. When can I see you again, we can go to a nice dinner and then maybe enjoy time just the two of us back at my place? I like you a lot Harry and I want to get to know you more than that you like to eat Thai food and can hold down your beer - Hector**

My hands hovered over the message, but I locked my mobile, shoved my duvet off my body and swung my legs around, and stood up. I felt the blood rush from my head and the exhaustion hit my entire body, and not just my legs. But, this was my job and that was getting up earlier to get Louis, and make sure that he was at work on time. It was hard to read him yesterday and I wasn’t sure if he was closed off or if he was this dick that everyone in the magazines and TV showed him to be. It didn’t seem like someone that Gavin would want to hire or would risk the show on. Dropping my mobile on my bed I got up to get ready. I wanted to make sure that I looked good on the first day of work and I had to get him so I wanted to look professional, and well, that I knew what the hell I was doing when in reality I was so lost and scared out of my mind.

While getting my clothes on I could hear my mobile buzzing with texts. I knew they were from my father and Gemma telling me that I got it today and that they were proud of me, and while those texts seem cliché I did enjoy getting them from the ones that I love. I was buzzing for today, it was the first time I was working on a workshop for a (possibly) Broadway bound show and it felt almost unreal.

Facing the floor length mirror I cocked my head and smiled at my outfit. It was sensible but me. I had found my adult trousers and paired them with my tan boots and a black jumper with a chambray collared shirt under. I had pulled the sleeves down and cuffed them and rolled them with the jumper so they set at my elbows.

Leaving I did my best to take the curls that decided to look like Medusa with some gel and just was going to have to make it work. A quick wash of the face, a proper brushing of my teeth and applying the correct amount of deodorant and cologne before I gathered what I needed from my bedroom and headed out to work. Making my way back into my bedroom I walked over to my desk and began to pack my bag for the day.

“Mobile,” I said as I reached over, grabbing it from my unmade bed. “Wallet,” I hit my work bag and felt it in there. “Laptop, charging cables, ibuprofen, headphones, gum,” I said as I looked through my bag and made sure that I had everything that I was going to need for today. My stomach began to fill with almost the first day of school kind of jitters and it was a bit of a high for me. Taking it all in I left my room and made my way down the steps into the kitchen where Cecilia and Niall were sitting, still in their pajamas and holding out food for me.

“I made you lunch for your first day,” she said as she handed me a Star Wars lunch bag that Niall and I always took on our first day of work on important days where we needed a bit of luck. “I also made coffee and breakfast sandwiches for both you and Louis. I’m not sure if he is a vegan or vegetarian so I made them both with bacon and cheese,” she joked as she handed me a coffee carrier with two wrapped sandwiches.

“One more thing,” Niall said as he pulled out my camera, “smile, Harry.”

I stood there, put a stupid grin on my face and smiled as Niall snapped a few photos for our ‘first day of work’ photo album we had since we were kids. “Thank you both for this, and I will be back tonight to tell you how good, bad, and ugly everything was.”

“Don’t kill anyone!” Cecilia said as I grabbed my keys and headed out the door.

“Make new friends!” Niall called out after me. “They grow up so fast,” I heard him tell Ce as I shut the door and made my way to my car to head into the city to get Louis.

My heart raced with each step. I had my first big boy job. I also had my first job as a babysitter for a man who was older than I was. Reaching my car, I set my work bag on the floor of the back of my car and then set the coffee into the cup holders, and the two sandwiches set on the passenger side before I headed on towards Louis. As I drove, there was part of me that felt I should call or text Louis and let him know that I was on my way. I don’t know why, but it just kept popping my head and I told myself no. Louis was an adult and I told him yesterday that he needed to be up and ready by 7:15 so I figured that he had listened to me.

“You need to chill,” I told myself as I got closer to Louis’ flat. “It’s work. It will be fun. Gavin trusts you. Laura trusts you. Trust yourself,” I said as I gave myself a pep talk and tried to calm the anxiety that was growing in my chest and I would feel in my hands, and they shook and my entire body grew hot and clammy. “Breathe,” I said as I took a few deep breaths in and exhaled. I hated when my anxiety got the best of whilst driving, I was never able to pull over to the side and calm down. I didn’t have any time for with the traffic I was going to be hitting, I was going to be cutting it close as it was after I got Louis and we headed to the rehearsal space. “Come on, cars,” I said tapping on my steering wheel as I took the following exit and did a bit of off the path driving. I’d rather be moving and take a while to get to my destination than sitting still.

“When you get to Louis’ just text Gavin that you might be there right on time just so he knows,” I said as I turned another street and was seconds away from Louis’ house. “God, please be up, Louis,” I said as I pulled right up to the front of the flat and parked. Getting out I jogged up the steps taking them two at a time as my boots clicked on the pavement. Reaching the door I gave it a knock. My left foot tapped as my nerves and anxiety was on high. I lifted my hand and knocked on the door again, this time a bit louder. “Louis, it’s Harry,” I called out hopefully loud enough that he could hear me.

**Hi Gavin, I’m at Louis’ and he isn't answering. I’m right to assume he didn’t show up to the rehearsal by himself? - Harry**

**No he isn’t here - Gavin**

**Use the key I gave you and make sure that he is awake and alright? I will get everyone settled in and just attempt to get here as fast you can - Gavin**

**No, you aren’t going to lose your job. Laura just informed me that you are probably freaking out. Take a deep breath, get Louis here as sober as possible and I will deal with it from there - Gavin**

**Ta. Will do - Harry**

It was sad that Gavin even knew that he might be passed out from drinking. I was going with the fact that his body was off with the time change, especially if he had dinner with Gavin last night and he didn’t get home till later which was still early for him. Taking my keys I found the one that belonged to Louis’ flat, using it I opened up the door and headed on in. Within my first two steps I saw him asleep on the couch. I turned the corner to see if he was okay and when I saw the 6 beer bottles on the coffee table and the three on the ground my heart sank as Gavin was correct.

 _Why would Gavin put so much faith into someone who was always drunk?_ I thought to myself as I walked over to Louis to check if he was breathing. I held my hand over and away from his mouth. He was breathing, he was just passed out drunk too where I’m sure that he had blacked out. My left foot kicked the beer bottles out of the way that were on the floor, the bottles clanked against each other as I pulled Louis up towards me. Bending down I wrapped his left arm over my shoulder I pulled him off the couch and half dragged half carried him from the living room into the bathroom.

 _I am not getting paid enough for this kind of shite_ I hissed in my head as we reached the tiled bathroom. With my free hand I opened up the shower door and carefully set Louis down on the floor of the shower. Once he was set in place, I adjusted the showerhead so the cold water would hit him on the chest to help wake him up. My hand turned the shower on and I kept the water ice cold as I walked into his bedroom and went rummaging through his boxes of clothes to try and find something for him to wear. I went to the open boxes first knowing that those would be my best bet to find him clothes.

“Shirt, shirt, shirt, I need a shirt,” I sang off key under my breath as I found a grey button down shirt that still had the tag on it in a box. It was wrinkled but it was better than a footie jersey. I tossed the shirt onto the bed as I kept on digging to try and find trousers. “I just need something that isn’t joggers,” I said as I reached the bottom of the box. Moving it down I opened up the one that was under it and smiled as I saw proper trousers so he looked like he cared. Tossing those onto the bed as well I made my way back into the bathroom where I saw his eyes opening up. “Before you start yelling, we are late for work. I need you to sober up, dry off and put the clothes that are laying out on your bed. You have twenty minutes and then I’m leaving without you,” I told Louis as he looked up at me confused. Saying nothing I turned the shower off and dropped a towel down on the ground for him to use.

I didn’t want to hear what he had to say so I just walked out. I was happy where I heard him getting up, getting changed and was ready in a matter of ten minutes or so. His hair was still wet and his eyes were bloodshot. “Bag.” I told him as he walked back and grabbed his bag from the desk chair and we headed on out to my car. Louis said nothing to me as he walked, his head hung as his feet dragged behind me. “We don’t have all day,” I told him as I unlocked the door and got into the car and turned it over. I grabbed the sandwiches before Louis sat on them. As he got into the car I handed him a sandwich and took off. We were close to an hour late and as much as I knew it didn’t reflect on me, it would reflect on me and that was what killed me internally. I was never one to be late, to show up to work hungover, hell he might possibly still be drunk for all I know. The ride was silent as we drove the twenty minutes, thanks to traffic, and finally made it. My car pulled around the back to where I could park and not pay.

“What floor?” Louis asked as he looked at me as we both grabbed our coffee.

“Third,” I told him as he got out of his car, he grabbed his bag and headed on in as I followed him. I’m glad that he had a bit of wind under his wings whilst I made sure my car was locked and headed on in behind Louis. By the time I got in, got into the lift and made it to the room Louis had taken his seat and Gavin was speaking as I snuck in and found my place next to Jacqueline, Jessi, and a few others who I didn’t know but they were part of the PR social media team.

“Now, that we are all here,” Gavin said as he took a seat at the head of the tables that were placed in a giant square. “We are going to just read through the script, while we have drawn on the show we have added more songs, more details to specific parts of the show. I just want us to get a feel for the words we will be speaking, as for us to start those relationships with those we will be working with,” he said as everyone opened up their script and began to read.

Whilst Robyn read the stage notes Gavin took notes, I listened and came up with some ideas for things we could do to get word out about the show. As they read I watched as Louis just sat there, he looked as if he was going to fall asleep at any moment but remained awake. When we moved from young P.T and moved into older P.T It was fantastic to watch Laura and Colin talk and just become P.T and Charity. When it came up to a song break we had Philp on the piano as he would play the melody to get them an idea of the mood that the show was taking. I had seen shows from the ground up, but it was never a show like this. I was sitting in a room of seasoned talent, new young talent, and just this love and appreciation for what we were doing.

“I’m Tony,” an auburn man said as he held out his hand. He looked fresh out of University and that he had played sports for a living, and not just sat at home and watched the telly with his best mate. “I will be your right hand man with PR for the show,” he whispered. “So, if you want to delegate, or just give me something to work on and I can finish it for you I can do that as well,” he explained to me.

I had never been in charge of another person before, it was weird. “I’m Harry. Just, right now make notes on lines, or ideas from the show that we can use to get the word out and not give away the show but that will catch people’s eyes and want to see it, want to follow and learn more,” I told him to do as that was what I was going to do. “Then, after we can compare our notes and see, and then tonight we can come up with some ideas and we can show them to Gavin so we can get the graphics and everything done so when Playbill asks we have them ready, and we can get the Instagram and Twitter account up and running.”

Tony nodded his head as he opened up his laptop and began to take notes as everyone spoke. I pulled out a legal pad and wrote my ideas. While I loved my laptop there was something so organic about taking handwritten notes on my first show. I followed along with my own copy of the script so I knew when we would break and I would be able to make my own notes to help me in the future.

My pen stopped as I saw we were coming up to Louis’ scene. My eyes looked up as Robyn spoke the stage notes. “P.T Barnum leaves the play and walks over to the side where he sees Phillip trying to light a smoke.”

“Need a light?” Colin said.

“Thanks,” Louis said as the words came out of his mouth and just fell.

“It was a lovely play. Brilliant in fact. A tad boring,” Colin said with a smirk on his face while he wasn’t acting he still was trying to give life to his character.

“Says the circus man.”

Colin laughed. As he went on with his lines I waited for Louis to click into gear with his character and just give us something. I didn’t care if he didn’t want to sing, if he didn’t want to but he needed to give something just to give hope to those who had doubts a bit of faith that he was the right choice. That he cared and that he wanted to be here like everyone else who was sitting at the table wanted to be here. But no. Nothing. He just read the lines with a spot on American accent as he sat next to Colin and he had Hayley on the other side of him.

“This is where we will have a tap number with a bar and it will be amazing but complicated, and you will work with Jessi on that,” Gavin said as he closed his script. “Now, that we had the longest read of the first act we are going to take an hour and a half lunch, come back and finish up act 2 and after that we will get a first fitting for costumes so we can start getting those made, and idea for hair and makeup,” he said. “Enjoy, go and stretch your legs and get some fresh air.”

The chairs slid on the hardwood dance floors as everyone pushed themselves away from the tables and got up and made their way to grab either the food they brought, or their bags to go and get lunch and enjoy the break to clear their heads, and come back ready and fresh for the second act. Shutting my laptop I was about to get up and follow Louis out of the door since he was the first person out of the door but Gavin was quicker than I was and no doubt was going to get to him faster than I would have. Pushing my glasses up onto my head I ran my hands over my eyes and let out a sigh as it seemed to be the longest several hours of my life that I’ve had in a long while.

“Coffee?” Laura asked me as I looked up and saw her standing there at the opposite side of my table and smiled. “You look like you could use some, or ice cream.”

“Both?” I suggested to her as I pushed myself away from the table, grabbing my bag I followed Laura out of the studio and went to enjoy my lunch and try not to worry too much about Louis, even though I knew he would be on my mind the entire time I ate and talked with Laura.

I pushed the door of the studio open as we made our way out on the street. “So, how was your morning?”

“I don’t have enough time in the day to tell you,” I laughed as she linked her arm with mine and we walked to get coffee and ice cream.

“Edit the boring bits.”

“You asked for it,” I said with a raised brow as I began with yesterday at the airport.

***

The entire room, well minus Louis, clapped as we finished the first read through of the show. I felt a stupid smile plastered on my face as I knew that I had just witnessed something that was so amazing and no doubt was going to be award worthy. But, I might have been biased in a way. Gavin called out the names of those he needed to get measured first and then would go and talk with makeup whilst the others waited until it was their time. I took this time to share some ideas with Tony and to see what he had come up with as well. We got a decent outline for our idea and I was going to go home and work on some graphic design, and he would send me a few that he would come up with and would get a feel from Gavin for what he wanted to do.

“Why do you think Gavin chose him?” Tony asked me as he packed up his bag. “I have heard horror stories about him.”

I didn’t want to say anything, for I honestly had no idea who he was yet and while I knew everyone in this room had a preconceived idea of him, I wanted to do my best to get to know him as a person and put together what kind of man he was, and what Gavin saw in him that made him so adamant about having him in this role.

“I’m sure he knows more than we do,” I told him as I packed up my own stuff as I saw Louis heading towards his chair where his bag was. “I have faith in Gavin, and I’m sure that there is more than what gossip magazines say.”

I could feel Tony roll his eyes but I wasn’t going to gossip and I didn’t want to lose faith in Gavin. My faith in Louis was little to none, but I had faith in Gavin. Before I knew it, Louis had gathered his items and had left the room.

“See you Monday,” I said to Tony slinging my bag across my chest and headed on out to try and find Louis and hope that he was standing by my car, and not just left and tried to find his way back to his flat. With a line at the lift I took the stairs down and out into the alleyway where my car was parked. I was pleased to see Louis, I was annoyed to see him smoking. “You can’t do that,” I said to him as I grabbed the smoke from his hand and tossed it on the ground. “It might help you de-stress as does drinking but you can’t smoke or you won’t be able to sing the way that you need to.”

Huffing, Louis just rolled his eyes and got into the car, slamming the door and pouting in the front seat like the man child that he was. I counted to five before I set my bag in the backseat and got into the car, and made my way to drop Louis off at his house and then I could go home, get several drinks and vent for hours to Niall, Cecilia and Liam about how big of an arse Louis was. “I’m going to be at your place at 7 tomorrow. Please be ready to leave at 7:05.”

Louis turned his head, his eyes narrowed and his face was confused at the time I was telling him. “Today was 7:15.”

I nodded my head as I turned the corner and we sat in traffic again. “Yes, but you were an hour late to work and tomorrow we are going to get there early.”

Louis huffed as he turned and looked out the window of the car. It was weird, I felt as if I was parenting a teenager. I knew that Louis wasn’t used to people telling no, or telling him to do things that he didn't want to do. But like all kids when they don’t have rules and they act out it is due to the fact that they want rules they just don’t want the parents to know this. “Fair enough.”

I kept my eyes on the road.

“Thank you for the breakfast sandwich. It was good, I don’t know how you had time to make them this morning.”

Holding the smile in I went along with him and the talking, “it was actually my flatmate’s girlfriend. She has her own cafe and she has this weird tradition whenever we have a first day on a job, or a big day on the job she wakes up and makes us coffee and breakfast to go.”

“Well, tell her thanks, and I take your thank you back. You were just the messenger,” he smirked as he joked with me.

“I will keep my thank you, and I will tell Cecilia thank you as well,” I said to him as we reached his flat. “Louis,” I told him as I stopped the car and he was about to get out, “I might be stepping out of line but try. Even if it’s 2% it will show everyone else in the show that you care about their jobs too.”

Louis paused, his hand on the door handle as he looked down at his feet. “Okay.”

I felt like I had won a battle, but I wouldn’t know until tomorrow when I went to pick him up. “Have a good night, try and get some sleep, it’s going to be another long day tomorrow.”

I saw a smile on his face escape as he shut the car door and he made his way up the steps to his flat and walked in. He didn’t slam the door, but he didn’t wave. I didn’t get a thank you for the drive, but I did get a few moments of conversation with him and for me, that was a win enough. Putting my car back into gear I headed out from the city that never sleeps into Jersey. I wanted to shower, have a cup of coffee and then head on to the pub for drinks and dinner, and for us to all vent about work, life and catch up from the past weeks escapades. My mobile dinged and I looked down to see that it was from Louis. As I sat parked at a light, I unlocked my mobile and read the message.

**You can have your thank you back for driving me to work and actually bringing me home and not forcing me to walk - Louis**

***

My back hit the bed as Benjamin fell down next to me. My breathing began to slow down and normalize as I pushed my hair off my sticky forehead from the sweat that was making my entire body feel gross. It smelt of the strong cologne that Ben wore and was now on my body. My head was a bit clearer as I laid there, my eyes closed as I could feel his breathing return to noble and his body laid next to me with space between us.

“You know I shouldn’t condone this behavior.”

“It’s two friends helping each other out,” I said a bit out of breath as my head turned and I looked at Ben’s hazel eyes looking back at me. “It’s not like we do it all the time.”

Laughing, he turned his head and looked up at the ceiling. “No, no we haven’t done this in some months,” he said. “You need to trust Gavin, I know that is a new concept for you but he has Louis in this role for some reason and you can’t see it, I sure as hell can’t see it from what you told me but, Gavin is a brilliant director, he has two Tony’s under his belt and I think that you are being clouded by what the press has said about him even if you think that you aren’t.”

“Why are you so smart?” I asked him as I sat up and checked my mobile. The sheet fell around my waist and Ben laid there in his bed and was on his mobile. “I overthink and that is why I am single and I’m freaking out that I’m going to lose my job by the actions of a man who just affect him.”

“Harry,” Ben said as I turned and looked at him, “just do your job. Do it the way that I know you will and be proud of everything you do. With that you will be able to shine in this show and your work will be rewarded and what will take you oh so far in this industry,” he explained. “And to answer your smart question, I paid way too much to learn how to read and help people,” he laughed as she referenced his physiology degree. “Do you have plans this weekend?”

“I have to get a gift for my niece for her birthday, I needed to spend a chunk of Saturday doing work and Sunday I think we are going to Mac and Cheese festival,” I told him. “You?”

“I have a date, and then I leave Sunday for a trip home. My sister in law and brother are about to have a kid and my mother wants me to be there as does my brother for he is freaking out more than I thought he would be,” he joked. “Do you want to shower first?”

“Ta,” I said as I stood up from the bed. Bending down I grabbed my clothes from the floor and made my way into the bathroom to shower, get dressed, pick up dinner for me and Niall on my way home, and have a good night's sleep and hope this new day at work was going to be better, and that this weekend was going to be stress-free for me as well.

I took a quick shower, I just wanted to get the smell of sex off of me so I didn’t look like I had a booty call and left. Once I was dressed I thanked Ben for his advice, told him to have a fun trip home and went on my way to pick up Chinese food I was going to order on my way home.

“Tomorrow will be a better day, Harry,” I told myself as I dialed the number for the restaurant. “You just gotta believe it will be better and it will be.”

God, I needed it to be a better day.


	4. dancing king

**louis**  

I heard the knock on the door.

 _Is it too late to fake sick?_ I thought to myself as I heard another round of knocking. The answer was yes, yes it was. I had been up for several hours and from dicking around on my mobile, staring up at the ceiling, listening to the back tracks of the show and humming along so I knew the word at least when we started to sing the songs. Letting out a sigh I rolled over onto my back as the muscles in my back tensed up and the tension in my head shifted as I moved. I wasn’t able to sleep in this new place, I thought by now the newness would have worn off and I would at least be able to get a shit night’s rest which was better than no rest at all. Laying there tangled in the white bedsheets I heard the door unlock and open. I didn’t know if Harry was going to lecture me, or yell at me. Either way, I laid there and waited for it to happen.

“You awake?” his voice asked me. Lifting my head up I looked at Harry who was dressed as nice as he was the other day when he picked me up. His eyebrow rose and I knew that was him telling my ass to get up.

“Do I have twenty minutes?”

Harry nodded his head as he walked over to the couch and took a seat. Taking that as a good sign I tossed the duvet off my body and got out of bed. Walking over to the chair I scooped up the clothes that I had laid out the night before so I would be able to get ready the last minute. My feet moved from the carpeted bedroom floor to the cold tile that was in the bathroom. I shut the door, I draped my clothes over the shower door and slipped out of my pants and oversize t-shirt I had gotten years ago from a Goodwill during my travels for a movie at some point when I was younger. I tossed the clothes in the laundry basket, my hand pulled the clean clothes down and I slipped them onto my tired and sore body. My back tensed up as I bent down and I had to wait for the spasm to pass before I could stand up. Walking over to the sink I stopped and looked in the mirror for the first time in a while. I had passed them and made sure that my hair was okay but I never stopped and looked at one in a while and I realized why. Standing there I looked like a shell of a man that I used to be. My beard had been growing in the past several days and I haven't trimmed nor cut it. My eyes were sunk in from the shitty night’s sleep the past few days of moving out here. I wanted to say it was from sleep, but a lot of it was from me drinking to cope with the emotions I didn’t want to deal with. My eyes looked down and I saw the small gut that was sitting there. I didn’t know who I was anymore, and it scared me. As I bent down my back cracked as I washed my face, then quickly brushed my teeth and slipped the clean clothes on before leaving the bathroom.

Walking quickly I reached into a box and grabbed socks and then my trainers that were sitting on top of another box. “Two minutes,” I said to Harry as I walked into the living room and picked up my work bag when he sat on the couch and looked at me and then looked at my feet. “Can I put them on?”

“Yes,” He said to me as I could tell that he was trying hard not to laugh but he wanted to. Stopping, I sat down and slipped on each of my socks and then slipped my trainers on that were already tied. Pushing myself up from the ground I smiled at him. “Ready?” Harry asked as he pushed himself up off the couch and looked at me.

“Don’t I look ready?”

Harry shrugged and headed on out the front door. As I followed I grabbed my keys from the hook by the door and headed on out, locked the door and ran behind Harry as he was already almost to his car.

“How late are we?” I asked him as I pulled the door opened and practically jumped in before he took off with me half in and half out of the car.

“Five minutes,” he told me with a cheeky smile on his face. I hated him so much for making me think we were that late. “Much better than yesterday.”

I huffed, putting my safety belt on and relaxing but was pleased with myself that I was awake and we weren’t going to be that late. Harry had put on music as we drove the short but long distance to the studio. I know that Gavin had texted me and told me what we were going to be doing today - it didn’t matter much since no matter what we would be doing would push me to places I didn’t like to be pushed, be it singing or dancing or acting.

“Coffee and breakfast,” Harry told me as he handed me another wrapped sandwich as I got into the car. “My friend is trying a new breakfast sandwich and wants us to eat it and see if we like it,” he told me as I opened it up and looked at it. “It’s a chicken sausage with cheese and some kind of sauce, I haven’t eaten mine yet but I’m sure it’s good.”

“Cheers,” I told him as I took a bite and chewed. “It’s good, the heat is just right but is balanced out by the cheese,” I told him as I did my best to try and sound like a good critic. “Thanks for the food and coffee.”

“Thank you for being on time,” Harry told me as he smiled at me.

That was the end of the conversation. I enjoyed the rest of my sandwich and sipped on my coffee whilst Harry tapped on the steering wheel as he enjoyed the happy music that he was playing as we drove. Part of me wanted to ask him why he was in such joyous spirits but I didn’t want to jinx anything for today so I kept my mouth shut. Pulling my legs up to my chest I tried my best to stretch out my back as my eyes just watched the city slowly pass us by. I felt like I was betraying the city with only going to work and then going home and sleeping. Maybe tonight I would utilize the folder that Harry gave me and I would go visit a few places and get some proper food and make myself dinner, depending on how my legs held up after today.

Once we pulled up and Harry parked his car, I waited for him this time around when I got out of the car. Harry grabbed his bag and slung it over his body, he had his coffee and sandwich in one hand and his keys in the other as he locked the car and we both headed on into the studio, got into the lift and headed into the room. Once we walked through the door Harry made his way to the small setup of tables where his team was set up to work on social media, take a few photos to get them out and the hype up and out there about the show. I froze for what seemed like minutes as I looked to see where I should go.

I always thought the older I got, the easier it would be to walk into a room full of people I didn’t know and just being able to walk in, take a seat and blend in. But I stood there not sure where to go. Everyone had there groups of people, be it those who had been in this line of business for years and knew everyone. You had the group of dancers, the group of those who were playing the side show freaks, and then me. I didn’t blame them, I mean I wouldn’t want to sit with me and I am me.

“Lou.”

I looked up and saw that Gavin was standing with Jessi and Hayley, he waved me over to where they were standing. I smiled, happy that I didn’t have to stand there any longer looking like an idiot. My trainers walked over the hardwood floors as I made it over to them.

“So, Louis this is Hayley, Hayley this is Louis,” Gavin said as he introduced us as I set my bag on the ground and shook her hand. “Great, now you both will be able to fall in love eight times a week on stage,” he laughed as I got nervous and Hayley laughed.

“Don’t worry, I won’t send your girlfriend into a tizzy,” she told me and I felt knocked down a peg as I realized she knew who I was and that I was with Eloise. “Smile,” she said as she cocked her head and smiled up at me.

 _Relax_. I said to myself as I played along and laughed and tried not to overthink, jump to conclusions, and think the worst of people.

Gavin placed his hand on my shoulder, “I’m going to leave you in the hands of Jes, she will give you the rundown and then before we break for lunch today we will see what the opening number will look like,” he explained to us. “Be nice to Hayley, but give Louis hell,” he joked as I narrowed my eyes and shook my head at him as he headed over to another group of people who were working on other dance numbers.

Jessi smiled as she pulled out an iPad, “have either of you danced?”  

Hayley’s brown eyes looked at me and mine grew wide and we both just shook our heads. “I mean, I did some while I was younger but nothing on the scale of what they want for this.”

Waving her hand in the air, “it’s okay, your dance is going to be more organic, it can be a bit jagged and rough at times, in fact we need that,” she told us as she pulled something up on her iPad. “I want you both to watch this a few times, try and feel the movements and understand why they are done a certain way, and take notes from it. We will start working on this later this week when we have a half day,” she explained to us as she handed Hayley the iPad. “You will do some aerial work in the morning, but you will be hooked up while doing it so it doesn’t look like you are hooked up,” she explained to us as I felt better about not having gotten to train yet in that area. Or any area thanks to my manager who did his job oh so well.

With those words Jessi headed over to another group to start work with them as I stood there with Hayley. “Don’t look so nervous,” she told me as she walked to the wall, took a seat on the ground, “hey, Harry,” she said as I turned around and saw Harry standing there.

“I made some tea,” he said as he handed me a cup and as soon as my hand took the cup my entire body relaxed. “Do you want one, Hayley?”

Hayley shook her head and made a face as he took a sip of it for himself. With a smile Harry made his way back to the table as I took a seat next to Hayley and we pressed play on the video. As we watched we saw that it was a modern dance number, which was going to be easier for me to master since I don’t have to be as fluid as I would with tap. As the dancers moved I saw the story of a struggled love. A love that wants to be there but can never be due to the way society views them and views people like them. With each lift I felt my heart drop, and with each spin my stomach got a bit nauseous. The moment I felt that it was to much was when I saw them doing the aerial work - we had to work with ropes and while it was beautiful to watch I didn’t want to hurt Hayley, I also felt that I looked old enough to be her father as I sat next to her. As the video ended we both sat there for a few seconds.

“So, there was a lot of the same moves on the ground,” she said as I didn’t know what else to say. “Don’t wig out of me Louis,” she told me as her hand rested on my knee. “You are my one ally in this show.”

My head spun around and I looked at her confused, “me?”

“We are both outsiders.”

“You are on _Riverdale_ how is that an outsider?” I asked confused.

“We both have a lot to prove, I want to show that I’m more than that character, but I’ve never done a stage show. I’ve never been with all these amazing people who can do it all and it’s scary as shit.”

I laughed, “you can say that again.”

“I don’t know why you are here, but I have an idea and so you are my one and only ally who is on my playground and feels what I do.”

She was correct. We both were new, and while they were inviting it’s still intimidating walking to a room with those who have such a long list of roles they played or shows they were a part of. I played the video again and watched as the guy moved, how he showed his love and spoke with his body and used that to tell the story a bit more than even the words that he was singing. As we played it once more I watched the female and saw her internal struggle which was worse and deeper than that of the man.  

“Wow.”

Those were the only words that I could say. I know I didn’t have the talent that those dancers had to portray what they just did and made me feel the way I felt now.

“So, what did you take away from it?” Hayley asked me as she closed the iPad and turned to look at me. “I know,” she laughed as she looked at my face and I’m sure I looked the same way that she did. Stunned and scared shitless.

“So, Phillip loves Ann and you can see that by how he holds onto her and where he places his hands and how he is fluid when he touches her,” I said as I chose my words wisely. “But he also has the fear of disappointing those who helped him get to where he was and he doesn’t know what to do for he has never had to choose before in his life. But,” I paused as I thought about the aerial stunts, “when they get up into the sky there is something that frees him and knows that he will choose Ann over anyone and anything, and she is worth risking everything and you can see how when he holds her it’s with a firmer hand.”

Hayley nodded, “and the way that Ann is hesitant for she isn’t sure if he is just curious and when all is done, he will get bored and leave but it clicks for a few seconds she lets down her guard and is one with him but at the end of the song you see her wanting to be with him but knowing that she can’t for society won’t allow it even if he will.”

We both sat there for a few moments to process it all. I was glad that the dance was simple, and had a lot of the same steps but the way they did them made it seem more complicated than it actually was.

“You okay?” she asked me as I nodded my head and turned to watch as Harry was busy typing away on his computer. I nodded my head as I looked over at the other groups as they got to work on their smaller individualizes dances. “I need you to talk to me, we are going to be a team and if I don’t know what is going on in your brain then this won’t work.

“I’m just trying to picture myself dancing on this level,” I said to her without even thinking. I was scared, no, I was fooking petrified to dance. I was worried that I was going to make a fool of myself, but worse that I was going to mess it all up for everyone like I always seemed to find a way of doing. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“This isn’t _Spiderman_ musical. I trust you as long as you trust me.”

Extending my hand out I held it out to Hayley. She extended hers and we shook on that. “Was that musical that bad?” I asked her as she leaned back and laughed and nodded her head. “Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“Alright everyone let's gather around,” Gavin called out. Pushing myself up off the ground, I helped Hayley to her feet and we made our way with everyone else in the show. “So, we are going on break for lunch in a few but I want Jessi and her team to show us what the opening number is going to look like and what we are going to learn and try and get done 90% today before we leave for the evening,” he told us all. J.P walked to the piano, nodding his head to Jessi he began to play the song and sing the lyrics to the song as she played Colin’s character and her other dancers were the rest of us. My hands grew sweaty as I sat there on the ground and watched in complete and total fear. My hands tapped on my knee as I was growing anxious and needed a smoke, or to vomit. Eh, maybe both and I would actually be okay.

With each step, each movement of the hat, each stunt that we would have to do, my heart raced fast and my stomach dropped farther down into my body. I knew they were showing us the entire dance, the one that starts in the beginning and the end as they cut to tell the backstory. My mouth went dry and I was worried that I was actually going to vomit right here on the floor of the studio. My tongue licked my lips as I tried hard to get saliva back into my mouth. As the song came to an end and they posed everyone around me clapped, and while I did to be nice my head was spinning with everything.

_So, I have to learn the modern number with Hayley. I have to tap with Colin in our number together and do those cup stunts and shit. I then have to learn this number. I had to sing while doing all of this. I have to sing good - no - I have to sing on the level of Laura and Colin. I then had to act on top of it all. I have one chance a night to do it right._

“Hour lunch, come back and be ready to dance,” Gavin told us as everyone got up around me and began to pair of up theirs groups, took the good they brought, or money to purchase food out. I sat there, my mind was racing and I needed to bring it back to reality before I got up and went to get myself food and fill my stomach enough so I wasn’t dying, but not enough so I’m vomiting it up from dancing for the next several hours. Pushing myself up from the floor I walked over to where my bag was, my head turned as my eyes lingered on Harry as he sat behind his computer typing away and getting work done.

 _Should I ask Harry if he wants to get food? Or, maybe if he is so busy maybe I should offer him to pick him up some food._ I thought, standing up and slinging the bag across my chest. I watched Harry as he reached down to his bag and pulled out containers with leftovers. _Nope. He has food._ I said as I just walked past the table of him and his helpers. With each steps my left hand rummaged around the bottom of my bag to try and find the smokes that I needed right now and just prayed that no one was going to tattle on me to Gavin or Harry. While everyone waited for the lift, I took a sharp right turn, my hands pushed the stairway door open with a loud creek as my shoes hit the metal steps, I jogged down them as I found my carton of smokes and the lighter.

Reaching the bottom stairway I pushed one more door open and reached the fresh air. I stuck the smoke into my mouth and lit the end. Taking a drag I closed my eyes and re-centered my whole being before I made my way to the safe cafe I ate at the other day. With each step I thought about the dancing, I had danced before. I had a horrible film when I was 18 called _“Dancing Shoes”_ with Eloise and while we were dancing all Damien did was tell me how terrible I was and that I should never dance again for I was just that bad so I believed him and never danced again. I wasn’t sure why Gavin had been so set on me being in the show but he did and while I appreciated it, I felt useless and a bit of a joke. Turning the corner I came up to the cafe, walking into the cafe I got in line to order my food. My eyes scanned the menu and while I should try something new I was just going to get what I got last time, it was good and I was content. Unzipping the front pocket of my bag I pulled out my headphones, hooked them up to my mobile and put the earbuds into my ears. I should catch up on my podcasts but I needed to listen to the music for the show and learn it, get used to the cues and prepare for when we have to actually sing.

 _God, I’m going to be a fooking laughing stock._ I thought as my mobile buzzed and I saw it was a WhatsApp message from Eloise. Unlocking my mobile I pulled up the message and smiled and felt a bit relieved to hear from her.

**Hey stranger! How is work going? - El**

**It is different. Not bad, not good. How is Paris? - Lou**

**Amazing. I am loving making this film, thank you for making me do this film. I know I wouldn’t have unless you told me to - El**

**I’m glad that you are enjoying the film (: It’s weird as hell not being on a project with you. I might have found an ally in the show so you should be happy that I am playing nice and making friends. - Lou**

**Look at you being a big boy - El**

**How are things with you and Harry? I know that you said he was like your keeper. Have you given him a chance? Do you realize that he isn’t there to spy on you? - El**

**I was half drunk and upset when I said those things - Lou**

**But no, he is good. He trolled me this morning and he he made me think we were late when we weren’t. But, he also brings me breakfast and coffee each morning. He also made me tea today at work - Lou**

**Aw, that is so cute! Is he cute? - El**

**I just eye rolled so hard, I hope that you felt it all the way in Paris - Lou**

**I think I did lol - El**

**Well, since you won’t answer that. I just wanted to check in and made sure that everything is good with you since you haven’t said anything recently. - El**

**I know that I sound like a mother, but like, I just wanted to make sure that you are okay. I worry about you Lou and I am glad that you are trying to make friends and that you are trying with the show - El**

**Yeah. Well I just saw the dances we have to do today and I’m not sure if I can do this. I started to get into my head and I had a smoke on the way to lunch and I’m going to be having one on my way back. I tried to quit but it’s so stressful that if I don’t smoke I’m sure that I would end up drinking and that is worse than smoking for my mind - Lou**

**At least Zak isn’t there to make you drink and do dumb shit you don’t want to do. But, don’t get in your head. You are a dancer I’ve seen you show off your moves before and don’t listen to what Damien has said to you. He is such a piece of shit Louis and you deserve so much better than him and you need to get out from under him. Will you promise me that you will as soon as you can. You have been pushed around, and fucked over enough times that you need a new start Lou, you need to take this and show Damien that he is wrong about you, and about what he tried to make you. Okay? - El**

**You went from 0-100 on me right quick - Lou**

**I am doing all that I can. It’s hard and I don’t know how to do this alone. - Lou**

**You do. You are stronger than you think. Plus, I think that that Harry guy is on your side. You have Gavin and whatever girl that you made allies with. I have to get some sleep, but I love you Lou. I have faith in you, and I can’t wait to see you in Chicago - El**

**Love you too. Don’t sleep around in Paris - Lou.**

“Next!” the blonde man behind the counter said with a smile as he held his hand up in the air. I pulled an earbud out of my ear and walked up to place my order. “Hi, what can I get for you today?”

Looking up at the menu I panicked for a split second before I looked back down at the kid who was no doubt in college still working to pay for his tuition, “I will have the ham and swiss, with mayo, mustard, lettuce and tomato. Can I get it toasted as well?”

The kid nodded his head. “Anything else?”

“I’ll take these,” I said as I held up some crips and then grabbed a bottle of water from the cooler next to the tills. I wanted a beer, but I knew that Gavin would freak out and I didn’t want to hear him complain so I went with water. I was handed a number and I went outside and took a seat to enjoy the nice weather before I was back in the studio dying. Slipping my headphones back in I sat there, sunglasses on and enjoying the food and the alone time that I never liked but was getting used to each day I was out here.

Leaning forward I went to grab a smoke, my hand hovered over my bag and then stopped. I knew that I shouldn’t, that smoking was going to kill me, that it was going to be the end of me with cancer and whatever. _One vice at a time, Tomlinson_ I told myself as I grabbed a smoke from my bag. _One fooking vice at a time_.

***

“Everyone have a great night,” Jessi said as everyone grabbed their bags and made their way out of the studio. My hands rested on my knees as I tried to catch my breath. I felt sweat dripping from every pore of my body, places that I didn’t even know could sweat were sweaty. Pushing my hair back it stayed off of my face from the simple fact that sweat was keeping it back. My chest felt as if it was on fire, my knees felt like jello and my legs were limp noodles. My lower back felt like there was someone taking a knife and stabbing me over and over again. “You did good today, Tomlinson,” Jessi said as she gave me a pat on the shoulder as she walked past me to get her bag and head on her way.

“Ta.” I said, my breath was heavy as I tried to not look and sound so winded.

“Start running, once you get your breathing down with that, start singing while you run and you will be ready for the show,” Jessi told me as she walked backwards. “You can do this, if you couldn’t I wouldn’t be telling you this,” she laughed and headed on out of the studio. I needed to walk over to my bag to be ready for when Harry wanted to leave. By the time I got there Laura stood there holding it for me.

“Hey,” she said as I smiled and took the bag from her. “I was new once, I was in your shoes, so if you want help with the dances, or just a bit more practice with the dance you have with Hayley or Colin, just let me know and we can stay after and work on what you need more practice on.”

“Yeah?”

Laura nodded as she took her hair out of the bun from the top of her head. “Jes was right, you did well today, especially if you haven’t danced in years,” she explained to me as I heard Harry packing up his items. “Take a cold bath and then a warm shower and some ibuprofen when you get home.”

I nodded my head as we walked over the wood floors towards Harry. “I will do that, I don’t think I’ve ever hurt this much before.”

Laughing she smiled and nodded, “your muscles will get used to it and it will be natural before you even know it,” she assured me. “You are a natural dancer, I’m shocked you haven’t kept it up through the years.”

“My manager thought it wasn’t a good idea, and he,” I cleared my throat, “he thought it would be better that I don’t keep on dancing for he said I wasn’t up to snuff and to stop before I damaged my name as an actor any further.”

I watched as her eyes grew big and her lips pressed together as if she wanted to say something but knew better than to open up her mouth. “Well, you are good, don’t tell yourself otherwise,” she told me. “Harry, tell Lou he did good today.”

“You did,” he said with a small smile as he looked up from his laptop. “Did you have fun?”

Scrunching my face I shrugged. “It was better than a lot of films I’ve done,” I admitted to him. “How was it sitting behind the computer and working all day?” I asked Harry as he shut his laptop, his face wasn’t upset or annoyed, he looked as if he wanted to laugh but he didn’t want to give me the pleasure of thinking I was funny or enjoying my company.

I grabbed his paper cup that had tea and the small bag of pretzels and headed over to the bin to toss them. “Ready?” I asked Harry as he grabbed his bag of all this items and we headed on out of the studio with Laura. We said goodbye to the few people that were left and we headed out to Harry’s car.

“If both of you want to, there is a small group of us that are going out to dinner,” Laura said as she looked at me, “if you come then this one,” she pointed to Harry as he just shook his head, “yes that one who just shook his head doesn’t go out and have fun unless it’s scheduled and it’s in one or two places.”

“I have fun!” Harry laughed as Laura shook her head and mouthed the words ‘no, he doesn’t’ to me. Pressing my lips together I did my best not to laugh, but what I had seen of Harry, it did seem like he was all work and no play. “Oi!” he called out laughing as we got into the lift. “No, I honestly do have to get some work done, plus I have a Facetime date with my nieces and that has been hard to get done because my sister is so bloody busy it drives me mental,” he explained. “Lou, you should go.”

My heart stopped. “I will pass, next time,” I told her with a smile. “I’m in so much pain and need to sleep so I can be awake when Harry comes at a time that is ungodly. Plus, my body hurts from dancing and I have to do aerial work tomorrow so I need a bath so I can actually walk.”

“Makes sense,” Laura said as the door opened and we walked out and headed on out of the studio, “both of you have fun tonight, you make him come next time, Lou!” she told me as she pointed to me as she held her hand up to get a taxi to take her home. “See you both in a few days!”

Harry made sure she got into the taxi and then we headed over to his car, and like clockwork we put out bags in the back seat, both Harry and I got into the car, as he turned the car over I pulled my knees up to my chest as the heels of my trainers rested on the cloth of the seat. “I need to get in shape,” I said as I looked down at my beer stomach that I had gotten from my many nights out on the town since I was of age to drink and even before thanks to Damien. Turning my head I saw Harry looking at my stomach, “oi, eyes on the road,” I told him as Harry did his best to suppress a smile as he turned his head and put his eyes back on the road. “I know, I drink a lot, I could pull a Chris Pratt and just stop and drop the 50 pounds,” I said almost more to myself as my eyes watched the cars in front of us.

“It’d only take two weeks.”

Scrunching my face I turned to Harry, “huh?”

As we pulled onto the highway to get to where I lived, Harry looked over at me, “if you can not do something for two weeks then you can kick a bad habit,” he explained to me. “So, just food for thought.”

As we drove my hand tapped my knee to the beat of the music, “I asked Damien if I needed to train,” I spoke hoping that Harry was going to listen. “He said no, he said that I was going to be perfect and that I didn’t need any vocal training, workout regiment, aerial work. But no, so not only did I look stupid and fat today, I am going to look like even more like a prat tomorrow while doing the aerial work.”

I didn’t care if Harry replied, I just, well I just felt that he should know why I sucked and why I was going to suck and almost say that I was sorry before I fooked up everything tomorrow without actually saying the words ‘I’m’ and ‘sorry’.

“I don’t want to look like a fraud when there is so much talent out there,” I added and it was true. That was the last thing I wanted, I had felt and I didn’t ever want to feel that again whilst on a project. “Sorry, I don’t mean to bother you.”

I saw Harry’s head shake out of the corner of my eyes, “no, don’t ever be sorry about venting. You did good today, were you the best, no. But no one was. It takes time and this show is different and everyone who is working on the show wants the best, and if everyone is trying, and if everyone in the show is pulling their weight the show will be amazing,” explained Harry. “You tried, you wanted to get the dance down and that is what Gavin wants to see, that is what everyone wants to see and you won’t be a fraud.”

With those words we pulled up to my flat. Letting out a sigh I looked at the door, it was a nice flat but whenever I walked into that place I felt alone and bored, and that is what makes me want to drink, want to smoke, and want to occupy my mind and that will never end up good for me. “I need to shower, I’m fooking nasty,” I said as I could smell the sweat as I sat there. Opening up the door I unbuckled my safety belt, got out of the car and stretched my legs as my knees buckled a bit. “Breakfast sandwich tomorrow?” I asked bending down to stretch out my back and look at Harry as he looked back at me. His eyes narrowed and I flashed him the puppy dog eyes as he rolled his own eyes.

“Maybe,” he laughed at me as I shut the door and walked around the back to get my bag from him. “I will see if Cecilia has anything for me to bring tomorrow. If not then I will at least have coffee for you,” Harry assured me as I shut the door and headed up towards my flat.

“Fine,” I said shutting the door in the back as I made my way slowly up to my flat.

“Louis!”

Turning around, Harry was leaning towards the passenger side window, “you did good today. You will do good tomorrow and you will do good the next day. Just keep doing good.”

The left side of my mouth moved up as I half smiled up at him, I gave him a wave and headed back towards the steps that lead up to my flat. As I reached them, the four steps looked like Mount Everest as I stood there, looking down at my legs I wasn’t sure if I could walk and that I was going to have to crawl like a baby, or a drunk college kid. “Work,” I told my legs as I moved my left leg and began the long climb up to my flat. Taking one step at a time I made it up to the front door, unlocking it and heading in.

“Shower. Eat. Look over lines,” I told myself as I toed off my shoes and stopped my bag by the couch as I pulled up UberEats on my mobile. I knew that I had a kitchen full of food but I had no will or energy to cut, lean and cook something. “Eat a salad,” I said as I pulled up the menu from Panera Bread and decided to go with something more green and healthy compared to the cheeseburger that I wanted and my stomach wanted. My feet dragged as I walked from the living room, turning on a light so I didn’t sit in a black void, and I made my way into my bedroom as I ordered my food. Once the order was placed, I grabbed clean pants, a clean pair of joggers and a t-shirt as I moved from the bedroom and into the bathroom.

Part of me wanted to sit down on the couch but I wasn’t sure if I did it I would be able to actually stand back up and answer the door when my driver came with my food. While I walked into the kitchen to get some water I saw that Damien had called me a few times, and then texted me. I didn’t want to speak to him since he always seemed to put me in a bad mood.

**Hey, I’m just texting since you didn’t answer that I put out questions about the films you auditioned for and to see if we can get you out of the shit hole that you are in - Damien**

My eyes just rolled as I set my mobile on the coffee table and heard a car door and figured that it was my food. In a matter of minutes there was a knock on my door and my stomach growled out of joy that I was able to eat.

“Tip,” I said to myself as I walked as fast as I could to my bag, pulling out a five dollar bill I headed back to the front door and grabbed my food. “Cheers,” I said as I handed the teenager my money and shut the door and made my way back to the couch, setting my food down I hobbled into the kitchen, grabbed two bottles of water and some grapes that I would be able to eat before they go bad. “Okay, I should have everything. Now I can sit down,” I said to myself as my body plopped down on the couch and my body became one with the couch.

Opening up the container of food, I twisted the udon noodles on my fork and popped them into my mouth as I pulled my script from my bag along with the pencil, and began to read it and make notes for myself. I wasn’t going to walk into the next full rehearsal ill prepared. Tapping my pencil on the script my eyes read over the script.

 _Buzz_.

My eyes darted and I saw that I had gotten a Snapchat from Zak. My eyes went back to the script as I heard my mobile buzz again, and again, and again. The screen lighting up each time with Snapchat, or text messages. Looking at the time my mind quickly did the math to figure out the time it was in LA. They were out drinking at some restaurant and then they would be hitting up some club, and they would all end up with some girls at the end of the night.

“Go away,” I said turning my mobile over but it kept on vibrating and tearing me away from trying. “This is going off,” I said as I grabbed my mobile and turned it off. Setting the hunk of metal down on the table I got back to work.

“Now to figure out who Phillip is without doing carbon copy of Zac Efron’s version.”   


***

The door slammed as my body jolted awake, my eyes adjusted to the light and to where I was. Looking down I saw that I was still on my couch, my script was on the floor the pages all crumpled up as it must have fallen off of me while I was sleeping and rolled over. My empty container of food laid on the coffee table, the water bottles sat next to it as my phone was black because I had turned it off.

“Shit. Shit. Shit,” I said as I kicked the blanket off my body, my legs aching as I did so I jumped up from the couch and looked at Harry. He stood there and just stared at me as my heart dropped, and my head began to spin as I knew I had fucked up again. “Harry, I’m so sorry, I, I turned my phone off so I could learn my lines and my - the people that Damien had me hangout with in LA were texting me and, I was trying to do my job.”

Harry just stood there and as I turned to run and just grab a pair of trainers I turned on my mobile, and once the screen went from black to the unlock screen I saw that I had forty minutes until we had to leave. I stopped, turning around I glared at him.

“Payback,” he told me with a smug smile. I wanted to get mad but he had the right to do that, and keep doing it to me for how I had acted the past few days with him. “Change, and we can head on our way. I have a breakfast sandwich for you and a bit of a longer drive to the aerial studio,” he explained to me. “So, wear comfortable clothes and possibly tighter clothes.”

Racking my brain I tried to think if I had a pair of joggers that were too tight, in a box someplace in my bedroom. “You are terrible.”

Furrowing his brow Harry cocked his head and looked at me, “I brought you breakfast so hush,” he laughed as I just rolled my eyes and waved my hand in the air as I went to get changed and ready for the day. “How was your evening?”

“I ate, I went over lines, I went to bed early and it felt nice,” I admitted to him as i found the joggers I was looking for, I pulled down the ones I had on and slipped on the new ones. And put on a footie shirt and grabbed a pair of socks and made my way back over to the couch. “How was your evening?”

“Work, hung out with a mate of mine,” he told me as he grabbed my rubbish and tossed it in the bin. “You seem well rested.”

“Ta,” I said grabbing my bag and looked at him. “Let’s get going, I need food.”

Harry laughed as we headed on out of the flat and we made our way to his car. “You don’t care about being on time, you want food.” Turning my head I stuck my tongue out and glared at him as I pulled on his car door handle and motioned for him to unlock it. “Calm down.” I pulled a few more times as he stood there and cocked his head. “I can wait all day as your sandwich gets cold.”

My shoulders dropped as Harry just snarked and finally unlocked the door. Sitting down in the front of the car I dug into my breakfast sandwich.

“We have a turkey with pepper jack cheese and some sort of sauce,” Harry told me as he sat down, and turned the car on as he looked to see that I was already eating “Latte made by me.”

I held up the sandwich and chewed as Harry just shook his head and put the car into gear and we went on our way. Harry just smiled as we headed on our way. I wanted to make small talk, I’m not sure why but I didn’t know how to in a way that wouldn’t come off condescending or rude. My phone buzzed in my pocket. I wasn’t sure if it was Damien, or maybe it was Eloise. Either way I slipped my mobile from my trouser pocket and looked down at the screen. My eyes grew a bit wide and I smiled as it was from my mum. Turning my body towards the door and window I opened it up to see if everything was okay.

 **Hey baby, I hope that you are having fun at your new job. I am so proud of you. I hope that everything is okay with you and Eloise. I saw that she was in Paris filming a movie. I would love to FaceTime or even talk on the phone for a bit if and when you have time. All your siblings say hello. Eliza is thinking of going to Uni out in the states and I’m sure that she will want to talk to you about living out there. I love you Louis and I’m so proud of you. - Mum**  

“You look happy,” Harry said as I lifted my head and looked at him confused. “You were smiling…” Harry stopped talking as he took a deep breath in, “sorry, you don’t like small talk.”

Shaking my head I placed my hand on his knee, “no, no, um, my mum texted me,” I told him as I looked back down at the screen and my hand went up to the mobile. “So yeah, I guess that I am kinda happy.”

“It looks good on you,” he told me as he pulled up to what looked like a warehouse and I saw the sign on the outside. I had no idea where we were, even if we were still in New York, even though I knew that we were. I felt my face turning beat red and I knew that I was smiling out of embarrassment and happiness at the same time. Harry turned the car off and got out, leaning down he looked into the car and at me. “Come on,” Harry said as he got out of the car and started to walk towards the building. I grabbed my coffee and followed him as quickly as I could. Once we walked in I saw Hayley and Gavin and our trainer/instructor.

The place was massive, it had matted floors and looked like a gymnast and aerial stunt person’s dream come true. Looking around I was in a building where you see the cirque du soleil  practice and train. There was everything from the round hoops people hang from, to the bars, to the tightrope. “Wow,” the word escaped my mouth as my eyes just looked around not sure what to look at first or next and last.

“You are late,” the instructor said as he stood there, his hands on his hips and this angry look on his face. “Five minutes early or just don’t show up at all.”

“Noted for next time,” Harry said as he looked at his watch and I saw that we were four minutes early. “I was his ride so it -”

The man held up his hand. “Don’t make excuses for laziness,” he said as his eyes darted towards me. Setting my coffee down I toed off my shoes and set them by the chair where Gavin had set up show and where Harry sat down next to him with his bag and pulled out his laptop. “I’m Ronald, I will be your trainer and instructor. Punctuality is key, you need to listen and do as I say. Trust my voice and my voice only,” he said as he looked at Hayley and then looked me up and down. “You need to get into better shape. You look like the Pillsbury Doughboy.”

 _He really doesn’t like me_.

I looked up as he motioned for two harnesses to come down from the wires and pulleys that were up on the ceiling. “Since you will only be up in the air together for a few moments we are going to have you hooked up so not to fall incase you slip and ruin the number,” he said as his words were directed towards me. “Tomlinson, you will train with me for a week to get the number down, Hayley, we will work for a month in total to get you prepared for your choreography that you will be doing with Richard for the show.”

Hayley nodded her head as an employee began to help her into her harness. I stood there for a few moments until someone decided to help me and I stopped fiddling with it. I remained still as I was secured up in the harness and we walked over to where a large ring that looked like a hula hoop was at ground level. We were given these braces for our wrists and hands. I felt my heart in my throat as it raced and I began to over think.

_Yes this is new but you can do this. You can do anything that you put your mind to, Louis. Just, just take a deep breath and go with the flow. Harry will film and you can look it over like you did in footie and see where you made mistakes and work on them._

Ronald motioned again as a ringer was lowered and hung right between Hayley where we could see each other in the center. “Now the song the ring comes down and you grab it at the top,” he said as he moved Hayley’s hand and she took hold. “You will grab it from the bottom this way,” he said as he moved my hand to be in the proper place. “I’m going to lift this up and we will hang there for several moments so your arms get used to being in that position,” he said as he snapped his fingers and our feet went off from the ground. I knew that we weren’t that high up, and we wouldn’t be in the show due to how the set was designed but there was still a tinge of panic and fear as your feet left the solid thing keeping you from dying.

“You look terrified,” Hayley said as her voice shook a bit. “I don’t know how I’m going to sing like this.”

Looking up I smiled, “we will be able to fake it together,” I laughed as her body relaxed a bit as we hung there “Plus, I do believe that when the major stunts are being down it’s the bridge where the music plays so we can focus on our breathing without passing out.”

“Good,” she said her voice still shaky as we hung there. As the music played I closed my eyes to focus on the words that I was going to be signing as a fire of pain shot up my arm from hanging there by one arm for over a minute. Clenching my jaw I focused the pain into the music and trying not to fall.

“How long do we have to hang here?” I asked as I opened my eyes and felt a rush come to my head as I looked down at Ronald as he looked up at me as he shrugged his shoulders. “Cool. Thanks bro,” I said as I looked back up at Hayley as she adjusted her weight on her hand. “I got you,” I said as I swung my body around and wrapped my arm around her waist as she let go and I hung onto her while we both hung from my arm in the air.

“Bring ‘em down!” Ronald yelled as they lowered us and I let go of Hayley, and my legs felt happy to hit the ground. Once Hayley stood on the ground I let go of her waist, taking a deep breath I ran my hands through my hair as Ronald said nothing as I shook my arm to wake it up and hopefully get it to stop hurting. “Okay, well not what I had hoped for, but we will move on and work on the spins,” he said as Hayley grabbed her bottle of water and downed about half of it as my eyes darted over to Harry as he looked up at me and gave me an apologetic smile. “You can’t do your own thing, Tomlinson, I know you think that you know what you are doing but you don’t. So when I say to drop you drop. Until then you need to stay up there in the air.”

“Noted.”

“You don’t need to sass back.”

I wanted to punch him right in the fooking mouth. “Sorry. I will listen next time,” I said in one of the fakest voices I had.

Ronald had two ropes come down, from there we saw where our hands would go when we were taken up into the air and would spin. I wasn’t that fond of this idea, but I was going to go with it. “This is similar to ballet,” he explained as he put his hand in the holder and hugged on the rope as they lifted him up a bit off the ground. “You have to have your point when you spin so you don’t lose balance and don’t get dizzy,” he said as he showed us with grace as he spun around using his body as momentum and once he had enough he was able to spin faster. As he slowed down he looked down at us. “For the dance, you will spin a few times but most of them will be you both disconnecting and connecting.”

I nodded his head as he came back down and he motioned for us to walk over and grab our rope. They brought us up and we hung there for a few moments before we both tried to spin. I watched as Hayley attempted it several times before she got it. She spun around several more times before smiling and looking over at me.

“Your turn,” she said as I took a deep breath in and went for it. The first time I felt my hand slip a bit, but I adjusted myself and got it on the third try. “Are you serious?”

Shrugging I took a deep breath in, “I try, what can I say,” I laughed as her eyes rolled as I began to enjoy this. Opening my mouth I was going to give direction when I stopped, turning towards Ronald I asked, “what do you want us to try now?”

“The spin,” he said to us.

My eyes locked on Hayley as we both used our bodies to swing backwards and used the momentum to propel us forward. As we both moved forward Hayley’s hand slipped a bit as we both crashed into each other. Her forehead smashed into my chin as our bodies tangled up with each other. “Shit. Fook. Sorry,” I said as I looked down at her forehead, “are you okay Hayls?” I asked her as she nodded her head and looked up at me as I could taste the copper in my mouth and it felt wet and not in a good way with my saliva. “I didn’t hurt you?”

She shook her head, “no, no, are you okay?” she asked as her hand moved my bottom lip to see the blood. “Louis! God I’m so sorry!” she said as her eyes grew wide and I just shook it off for it hurt, yes, but I had worse injuries playing footie while in secondary school. “Louis, are you sure?”

I nodded again as I swallowed the blood back down as we untangled ourselves, we propelled ourselves back as Ronald yelled at us to run it again. “We are going to run it until you get it right, so suck up it up buttercup with any injury,” he called up to us as my urgency to punch him grew. The second time we ran it my hand slipped from her waist and I took off flying past her and I came back as our backs crashed into each other. Ronald yelled for us to run it again and so we did. Each time we ran it and I missed Ronald yelled at me to get my head on straight. To focus. To stop missing and just do my job and it’s not that hard.

“One more time, how about you don’t fuck this one up, Tomlinson,” he yelled at me as I hung there, my mouth throbbed as I took my free hand to wipe the sweat from my eyes as it stung from the salt. I pushed my hair out of my eyes as we ran it again.

 _You can do this_ I told myself as I I used the little energy that I had left. As we swung towards each other my hand missed, my hand that was holding onto the rope lost grip and fell as the harness caught, my body jolted as I looked down at the ground and saw Ronald’s face and I knew that he was going to yell at me and I’m not sure why.

“Fook,” I hissed to myself as my eyes closed and I wanted to beat myself up for not being able to get this.

“Get your head out of you arse, Tomlinson!”

Lifting my hand I tugged on the wire and I was lowered to the ground. As my feet hit the ground, I didn’t stand up but let my knees hit first and then pressed the palms of my hand down as I spit blood from my mouth. I’m sure that I needed to get something stitched up in my lip but god forbid I stopped to help myself. I pushed myself up off the ground, as my legs wobbled I unlatched the harness I was in and stepped out as Harry got up and handed me a water bottle as I took a swig, and then leaned into the bin and spat it out to wash my mouth out. I drank the rest of the bottle and stood there with my hands on my knees and took a deep breath in and out.

Lifting my head I watched as Ronald walked towards me angry. “Why the hell did you get down?” he spat out at me as he stood in front of me and looked down at me. “Get your stuck up arse back in the harness and up there! You run the stunt until you actually care and get it right.”

“Give him a few minutes to catch his breath, okay?” Harry asked as Ronald huffed. Standing up Hayley came on down and walked towards me to make sure that I was okay. I waved and said that I was fine as Harry stepped out of the way and I looked at Ronald.

“Come on, pretty boy, get back in the harness and get up there!” Ronald yelled as his face turned red and he pointed at the harness that laid on the ground. “Or, are you going to throw a tantrum like you do on every project you work on to show that you are this big shot start and everyone has to cater to you?” he asked me as my jaw clenched and I stood there trying my damned best not to show him any emotion. I knew that Harry was ready to pounce as everyone in the studio stopped and looked as Ronald began to go off the handle on me. “You think that you are this untouchable, gift to the world when you are nothing. You couldn’t even do a simple spin without having to cause a scene, be a diva and have everyone cater to you and only you,” his words left his lips like venom as he spoke to me. I have had people speak to me like I was a nobody, and that I was a piece of shit when I was actually acting like one. But now, now I wasn’t and I wasn’t going to allow this asshat of a man to tell me how I was acting and that I was nothing.

“Stop,” I said through gritted teeth.

“You think that you don’t need to be talented, or that you don’t need to work hard and you have everything handed to you. Well you suck. You can’t do anything right and it will show and the most rewarding thing will be seeing you fail on that stage because you assumed that you were too good for any of this. If you care you would have been in training, you wouldn’t look like you do. So, why don’t you run off and go make another headline, sleep with another girl and come back when you care about what you are doing and want to try.”

“Ronald,” Gavin said as he got up from his seat and tried to step in my way. His eyes darted at me as I stood there, unphased by those words mainly since I had heard them a million times. I heard them on social media, I heard them from Damien, director, actors, my family. I could just chalk it up to another asshole telling me that I was a piece of shit. “Louis,” he said as I jerked away from his hand he wanted to place on my shoulder.

“Piss this,” I said under my breath as I grabbed my bag from where Harry’s was standing and made my way toward the door to leave. As I walked I pulled my smokes from my bag, I didn’t care what anyone said I was going to end up going through the entire carton in a matter of minutes.

“Oh, look,” I heard Ronald yell as I walked farther away from him, “another famous Louis Tomlinson temper tantrum”.

 _I’ll give him a tantrum_ I thought as I turned around as I held up both of my middle fingers, “fook you, you wanker!” I yelled turning around and shoving the glass door open and leaving the studio. As soon as my feet hit the pavement my heart sank. I had done it again, I stooped down to the level that Damien had so graciously set for me and I showed the world that I, Louis Tomlinson, was that person. I heard the door open behind, as I lit my smoke I turned around to see Harry coming after me. I didn’t want to hear it from him, I didn’t want some pep talk, a lift your spirit type speech. I wanted to go home. I wanted to smoke until I was sick with nicotine poisoning and sleep. Oh, and drink. Drink a lot. “What?” I asked as I spoke I exhaled the smoke and looked at Harry.

Harry stopped, “are you okay?” he asked as he held his hands up to say that he wasn’t going to come in fighting. “What he said….”

My head rolled as I took another drag and exhaled and laughed, the cars around us zoomed by and the open air of New York made the problem seem like a scene from a shitty CW Show. “I don’t give a fook, Harry,” I hissed shaking my head and taking another drag. “Why are you out there?”

Harry’s head cocked as he stood there and looked at me confused at what I was asking him. “I wanted to see how you are,” he told me, his words were hesitant as he spoke them. “I thought…” he stopped as he took another step towards me. I held up my hand to tell him to stop and that I didn’t want to talk. “Louis, talk to me, what is going on in your head. I am on your side in this.”

A snort escaped from my nose as I took one more drag. “I’m going to go back to my flat,” I told him as I found my mobile in my bag and pulled up the Uber app. “You don’t need to take me, I am an adult and can pay a stranger to drive me in their car home.”

Harry took another step towards me as my head spun around and I looked at him. “Don’t give up,” he said as he took one more.

“Stop,” I hissed as he didn’t listen. “I said to fooking stop!” I yelled as I took my smoke and flicked it towards him. Stopping he looked down at his feet and then back up at me. _Just stop._ Harry stood there as he looked at the smoke, I saw him think about walking towards me, but he just lifted his head as I locked eyes with him. “Just, fook off, Harry,” I told him once more as I turned away and walked towards the main road where the Uber was going to pick me up.

“Louis,” his voice seemed desperate for me to answer. “Louis!”

“Fooking leave me alone!” I screamed turning around and looking at him through clouded eyes. “Fooking leave me alone.”


	5. old habits die hard

**harry**

 

My heart was racing as I stood there and watched Louis turn around, stick both of his middle fingers in the air and scream out, “fook you, you wanker!”, and then storm out of the aerial studio. I looked around not sure what to do as everyone just stood there. Ronald had a smug smile on his face as he crossed his arms over his chest and just stood there as if he was bloody Clark Kent who just saved the world from the big bad guy. 

“You really need to learn when to stop whilst you are ahead,” I told Ronald as I grabbed my bag and took off after Louis. I had no idea what Gavin was going to do, but I didn’t have time to stay and find out. Pushing the glass door open I turned to my left and saw Louis standing on the pavement, a cigarette in his hand as he took a drag from him and exhaled the smoke. 

“What?” he snarled at me as he turned to look at me. I stopped in my tracks as his eyes seemed to just go dead as he looked at me. I had seen looks like that before and my body out of instinct just froze. 

“Are you okay?” I asked as he held up his hand to tell me to not walk any closer, and I don’t think that I could if I tried. He took another drag and I watched him, his face beat red with anger and his eyes red from trying hard not to cry. There was still blood on his lip from when he hit his chin on Hayley’s forehead. Taking a deep breath in I started to speak again, “what he said...” 

I watched as Louis’ head rolled as I watched him take another drag and laugh as the smoke filled the air. His body was in the defense position and I needed him to get off the ledge that he was on and talk to me. “I don’t give a fook Harry,” he hissed at me as I took one step closer. “Why are you out here?” 

I cocked my head as I looked at him, I’m sure that a look of confusion was plastered on my face as he turned and looked at me looking for an answer I didn’t know if I could give him. “I wanted to see how you are,” I said as I chose my words carefully as I spoke with him. “I thought,” I said as I took another step towards Louis as he held up his head to stop me from talking and walking, but I kept on walking. “Louis talk to me, what is going on in your head. I am on your side in this.” 

Louis let out a smoke as he took a final drag of his cigarette, his eyes looked down at his hand as he pulled out his mobile and no doubt was ordering an Uber. “I’m going to go back to my flat.” His hands moved over the screen as he stood there a few feet away from me. “You don’t need to take me, I am an adult and can pay a stranger to drive me in their car home.” 

I took several more steps towards him as he was to busy looking at his mobile to yell at me. “Don’t give up,” I told him as I saw his lips move. With one final step his head turned towards me, his eyes big and answer just flowed through this face. “I said to fooking stop!” he yelled as he flicked his cigarette butt towards me. I took a step back as it landed between my feet. My eyes moved off of Louis and looked down at the butt that laid between my boots. 

_ “You are such a piece of faggot shit.”  _ I heard Jonathan's voice as I looked as the smoke went out. 

“Just, fook off Harry,” Louis told me one final time as he turned away from me and made his way towards the main road where the Uber was going to pick him up. I watched him walk away, I wanted to just let him walk, to have him keep on walking and not have to deal with him anymore. But the smaller part and the part where my heart was knew that I couldn’t, I had to be there for him even if he didn’t want it. Or he thought that he didn’t want it. 

“Louis,” I called out to him desperate for him to stop and listen to me. “Louis!” I cried out. 

“Fooking leave me alone!” he yelled as he turned around and looked at me angrily. “Fooking leave me alone!” 

So I did. I watched as he walked down the sidewalk to no doubt go and catch an Uber. I was fighting with my inner self to go and run after him, talk him off the ledge but I saw him flick his old cigarette onto the ground and light up a new one, I knew there wasn’t much talking that I could do and my brain was telling me just to turn around, go back in and talk with Gavin. As I turned on my heels I saw Gavin walking out of the building as he looked over me and towards where Louis was. 

“Shit,” he hissed under his breath as his face scrunched up and his hand formed a fist and he punched the air. “I’m sorry,” he told me as if he needed to defend Louis when I knew that it wasn’t his fault, Ronald had pushed his buttons and had been unprofessional on more counts that I cared to count. “You can cut out early today. Hayley is going to head home and I’m going to talk to the GM of this place,” he told me as his hand fidgeted and he turned towards the door and then back at me. “I will check up on him tonight.” 

I nodded my head. “Sorry.” 

Gavin shook his head, “no, this is nothing that was in your control. It was, god it was that man. I will get it figured out. You can work the rest of the day from home and then we will see you and Louis tomorrow around noon for the afternoon of dancing,” he said forcing a smile on his face as his oxfords moved across the pavement and he went back into the studio no doubt to get this whole issue settled. I followed him as I went back to where Hayley was stretching out and I gathered up my laptop and papers that I had been working on. I felt as if all eyes were on me since I had taken off after Louis and they wanted to know what happened. 

“Is he okay?” Hayley asked me as I just nodded. Turning my head, I smiled and she knew that he wasn’t but he would be. “If you need anything, just text me, okay?” she offered as I slung my bag on my shoulder and held my car keys into my hands. 

“I will,” I told her. “You did good today, I will see you tomorrow,” I said heading back out the doors and to my car. I would just head over to Cecilia’s and plant my arse there for a few hours and get work done before heading back home to prep for the concert I was shooting this evening. I tossed my bag into the back seat, slid into the driver’s seat, turned my car over and headed on my way. 

_ Don’t call him. Gavin knows him and he said to give him space. He needs time to cool off. He is embarrassed. Hell, I would be. It was just so degrading how he spoke to him and it was for no reason at all. If anything it was my fault that we weren’t five minutes early due to traffic. I should have left earlier. No!  _ I said as I shook my head.  _ No, no this isn’t your fault, Harry. It isn’t Louis’ fault. It’s that Roland guy’s fault and whatever was stuck up his arse that made him hate Louis.  _

Letting out a sigh I brought myself back to reality. I couldn’t fix this, as much as I wanted to fix this I needed to stop and try and fix it tomorrow. I turned the corner as I made my way back to Jersey, as the music played in my car my mind began to wonder about work and make the lists that I would follow, and help keep everything in my life on track today. 

_ Get the posters done and sent off to Gavin and get the social media accounts set up, and get some content to post in the next week or so. Make sure that you have your camera battery charged and a back up. Get cash out for the bar so you don’t have to start a tab and then wake up owing way more money than you have.  _

I laughed, I knew that would be where Niall fell tonight. It was always where he fell and it was okay because once Niall got a few in him, and he was feeling good he started to buy shots and drinks, and just wanted everyone to have fun, be happy and wake up not wanting to drink for a very long, long, long time. I was the same way and that is why I started to leave my debit card at home, and had apple pay for an Uber ride if I wasn’t even able to walk home from whatever bar I was at. 

Pulling up to the flat, I parked the car and made my way down to Cecilia’s. I wasn’t sure if I needed coffee or something stronger at this point and it sadly was only a bit after 11 am. Pulling the door open the bell rang and I saw her head pop up from behind the counter where she could see out of the kitchen. Her eyes narrowed and her face read of confusion and intrigue to hear what I had to say. Making my way over to my normal chair and small table by the window I set my bag across from me as I pulled up my laptop and began to set up as she casually made her way towards me. 

“I want to hear this story but Niall would kill me since he isn't here. Tonight?” 

I nodded to her, “yes, I need a few beers in me before I can wrap my mind around everything,” I joked with her. “Coffee and surprise me with food.” 

“Done and done,” she said with a smile and headed back to the kitchen to prep my food as I got to work on getting the social media set up and ready to go live by next week. My hands moved over the keys as I pulled up up Twitter I used my work email to get the accounts set up. I sat at Cecilia’s cafe for three hours and was able to get all I needed to get done and more from the social media accounts set up and online. All the old school circus posters were made, saved and ready to be posted each week for the next few months while we ramped up for interviews and videos of the rehearsal, and then start running a few contests to get tickets on the lips of people in Chicago and the surrounding areas. Biting on my bottom lip my eyes scanned over and saw the time and felt my heart jump, and knew that I needed to pack up and head back home and get ready for tonight. 

Sending off one final email to Gavin and the rest of the team, I shut my computer, reaching across the table I grabbed my bag and began to pack everything up, and finish off my coffee before walking back home. My phone screen was blank and I wanted to see Louis text me to let me know that he was okay, that he was home, and that he was okay and he would see me in the afternoon. But no, nothing. I wanted to reach out but I was going to fight my need to fix everything and make sure that everyone was okay. 

“I will be over in like an hour or so,” Cecilia said to me as she grabbed my coffee cup and plate. “I will put my face on when I get over,” she laughed as I couldn’t help but join her. “Niall is picking up some beer to have before we head to dinner and then to the venue.” 

“Brilliant,” I said to her sliding my bag on my shoulder. “I will need a few after today.” 

“I can’t wait, brew the tea and we will all partake,” she laughed as I felt a snort leave my lips as she gave me a wink and I headed on out of the cafe and back towards the flat. I felt my mobile vibrate in my pocket as I knew it was a few emails and lord knows what stuff that Niall and Liam were texting me. It was about the time when our group text would blow up whilst everyone was off work and able to reply when needed. Pulling it out I liked the memes, replied to Liam being Liam. I sent a quick reply to my sister about my trip out to Seattle. With each step I checked out Instagram, I checked HuffPost and finally I got on Twitter as I rounded the corner to my flat. 

**@hstyles** _ excited to shoot @luxtides show tonight at The Stone Pony. Come check her out, have a beer and dance _

I hit send as I pulled my keys out and headed on in and up to get into the shower, style my hair, get dressed properly and prep for the evening, and let everything go from the day, and enjoy the music and booze of the evening. 

***

“I need to shoot still,” I said as I pushed away the beer that Niall was trying to shove into my face at the pub. We had decided to get food before we went to the show, we had passes so we would be able to walk in when needed and not wait in the line. “Have it for me,” I told him standing up and trying to get my bearings, and shake out the booze and the food down. Niall downed the beer, setting the cup on the table he dropped some cash for tip as we filed out and headed towards the venue. “So what was Liam’s reason again for not coming?” 

“So, Kate’s sister in law and brother came into town and they have been a thorn in her side, and he had to dip so he could save her.” 

Cecilia made a face, “are these the ones that are from… Georgia?” 

Niall nodded his head, “the crazy ones.” 

Covering my mouth I laughed as Niall looked back at me as my eyes went down to the ground and Cecilia looked at us like we were mad. “I don’t want to know,” she said shaking her head. “So, Harry, now that you have had a few drinks, what are you going to do about Louis?” 

I shrugged as we got to the venue. We flashed the passes that I got and headed on in bypassing the line as everyone filled in to get a good spot. “All I know is that I’m going to try and not worry about it as I enjoy the music tonight,” I told them as they found a spot by the back near the bar but far enough away that they didn’t have to deal with all the drunks. I flashed my badge and made my way down into the pit with my camera around my neck, I had my back up battery in my back pocket. I lifted my camera to my eye as the colors in the house went down, the stage lights turned purple and Danni walked on out with her band. My finger clicked as I was able to capture moments for her. She has a shorter set since she was the first of two openers but I was still excited to see her out there and making music again. With each snap I felt the stress of the day drip away, I also felt the beer leaving my body and that was going to need to change once I was done with my job. Removing the camera from my face I quickly looked through the photos to see what I had gotten. 

As she sang I snapped photos. With each song I was able to get different angles of her, the band as well. As her set was coming to a close, I let my camera hang from my neck as I was able to get a few on my mobile so I could edit them while I had a drink and the second opening band went on. As she finished up the crowd cheered and I stood there with a stupid smile on my face, she waved to the crowd, she thanked her band and told everyone that she would be at her merch table before the next band came on, and after the show for photos and to meet the fans. I waited in the pit until she had left the stage and her band began to tear down their set, she came back a few moments later with some water and helped them pack up and move their stuff out as the second Tour Manager came through, and began to prep for the other band. Leaving the pit I made my way through the crowd, my hands blocking my camera as I felt like a fish swimming upstream to find Niall and Cecilia. 

“Oi, sorry mate,” I said as I bumped into a man. As he turned around I smiled as it was Ben. “Oh, it’s you - then I’m not sorry,” I laughed as we embraced in a hug. 

Ben’s eyes moved down and saw my camera, “do you ever stop working?” 

I nodded, “this was a favor for a friend,” I explained to him. “Hello Ben’s friends,” I said as I waved to the four people that he was standing with. I could tell that one of them must have been a blind date, or a second date and Ben had checked out. I knew the face, the body language. I knew it all. I had sadly been where the man in the nice pressed shirt with a french tuck, skinny trousers and oxfords stood. “Do you ever work?” I retorted back with a smile as he just rolled his eyes and took a sip of his whisky sour. “Have a fun time, I’m going to try and find Niall and Ce,” I told him as I patted his back, “it was nice to meet you lot,” I said casually to his mates as I headed back towards the bar where they were standing, both wide eyed and ready to pounce with questions. 

“Drink,” Niall told me as he handed me a cup and I didn’t care what was in it, I just knew that I needed that one and several more. “Ben is here?” 

I nodded. It was a weird relationship with Ben, I was still good friends with him. Even with the sex taken out of the picture he was someone who I would take to see a musical, or he would call me up and I would go with him as a friend to a party or a wedding. We just happened to be really good at sex and it seemed silly that we stop what we were so good at. 

“He always had rubbish taste in music,” Niall laughed as I rolled my eyes and turned back to the bar. Wiggling my way through I got another round of beers for us and a shot for me. I made sure that he didn’t tell anyone that I took it as I carried the drinks over to Niall and Cecilia. I had both of theirs in each one of my hands while mine was being held by my teeth in my mouth. “Talented boy,” Niall laughed as he took his, Cecilia grabbed hers and I removed mine from my month to enjoy it. “How did the photos come out?” 

“Good, I will try and edit them tonight,” I said to him but I knew that I wouldn’t. I would be too tired or drunk - but it’s the thought right? I pulled up my mobile and showed them a few shots that I had taken and Niall gave me a thumbs up as I finished off my drink, and looked around to find a bin to toss it in. “Hence why I took some on here,” I explained to them as I found the bin and tossed the paper cup. 

Niall got us another round of drinks as I stood in the corner and began to work on a few photos that I could send to Danni and then post two before the night was over. I heard the muffled voices of people around me but I was in my element, I was relaxed as my hands moved over the screen to enhance the colors and make the photo something that I was proud to post and something that Danni could use for promo stuff for her next show. Smiling, I saved the three photos and then quickly sent them to her before I put my mobile away, took the beer from Niall and enjoyed it as the second opening act began to play. Swaying to the music I enjoyed the vibe they had of James Bay and the stage presences, I even snapped a few photos of the stage, and then I turned my camera around and took a terrible half drunk selfie of me, Niall and Cecilia. She was laughing as she looked at me, my eyes were closed as I flashed a cheesy smile and Niall just looked at the camera blankly as if he had no soul. Both Cecilia and I kissed cheek as the band ended their set. The crowd cheered and clapped as we did too before they began to load off as Magic Giant began to load on. 

“So, I’m confused by these guys,” Cecilia said as the house music placed and she nursed her drink. “I was listening to their music and it’s very Mumford, but then I see them and they… well,” she said trailing off not sure what they looked like. 

Clearing my throat, I leaned in so she could hear, “they are if Mumford and Walk the Moon had a love child.” 

Her head turned as her brown eyes were wide and her jaw was almost to the ground shocked at what I had just told her. “Fuck, that is it,” she laughed as Niall came back with yet another round of drinks for us. “I still have this one,” she told him as she held up her half drunk beer. Niall just rose his brow and with the spirit of a college student Cecilia downed the rest of the beer and took the new one as Niall collected our cups to bin them. “I hate you.” 

“I hate you too,” he laughed kissing her softly on the lips. “You have been working too hard, and you need a night off and you look, god, so beautiful,” he said to her as she smiled and did a bit of a hip wiggle for him as she sipped her drink. “You,” he said as he turned to me, “you have been working too hard, too. So that is why I’m getting the drinks.” 

I wrapped my arm around his head as I plopped a kiss on his forehead. “I love you mate.” 

“Ahhh, that is the Harold I fucking love!” he laughed as he side hugged me. “So, are we staying or can we bounce to a place with seats and cheaper beer?” 

I couldn’t help but laugh at Niall, I checked my mobile and Danni had thanked me, but her family was here and I didn’t want to bother her so I told her we were heading out, and I would email her the photos when they were done. We all finished our drinks before binning them and making our way towards the front door, Cecilia was already ordering the Uber as she was ahead of us as we left. Before I walked out my eyes scanned the crowd for one last photo on my mobile as Magic Giant walked onto the stage and I saw Ben as he stood there looking bored and his date was looking the same way. I was about to move to pull him to come with us, but I stopped and just headed on out of the venue with Niall and Cecilia. 

“We go back to my cafe, we get some food, I have some cheap alcohol that we can have and just relax.” 

“Huzzah!” Niall and I called out into the night air with our hands raised in the air like drunk college students as the Uber pulled up. We filled in and headed back towards home. I rested my head on the headrest as Niall sang along to the music the driver was playing, Cecilia was telling him to be silent and laughing as I just enjoyed this moment with my friends. My body was throbbing from exhaustion and I knew that I would end up crashing hard and fast tonight once I hit my bed, but now, now I joined Niall in karaoke as the driver joined us, showing us both up since he could sing and we sounded like two cats dying slowly in the Hudson river. 

“You guys have a good evening,” the driver said as we piled out of the car. 

“We will see you on Broadway one day,” I told him with a smile as Niall pulled me away from the car, my camera hitting my chest as I laughed. Cecilia unlocked her cafe and we headed on in. She made sure that it was locked and while she turned on a few lights Niall headed on up to her flat, and got the whiskey and wine that she kept up there while I put on the coffee pot, and Cecilia began to rummage through some food and put it on plate for us to munch on while we sat on the floor around the coffee table. “I haven’t heard from Gavin or Lou all day. I’m probably fired,” I said setting my camera down on the counter as I jumped up and sat on it while the coffee brewed. “I’m fired,” I turned to Cecilia as she shook her head as she carried out two trays of pastries, some sandwiches she had thrown together and rice. 

“You are letting your anxiety take over,” she told me setting the door down as Niall came down the steps with four bottles held high as she smiled from ear to ear. “Okay killer, if you want to get some tonight you need to not be so gone that your friend can’t perform,” she told him as she patted his dick and he narrowed his eyes. Niall set the bottles down and we all took our seats, removing our shoes and relaxing a bit as she cued the music on her mobile for the cafe. “Louis just needs his space. You are like that when you get in your head, I get like that, Niall gets like it. It’s nothing that you did, you couldn’t stop someone from going off on him for nothing,” she explained to me as she passed us food like a mother would her kids. “Louis has his demons that he has to work through and you have to let him do it at his pace, and you have to trust that Gavin knows what he is doing,” she reminded me as I took a bit of the sandwich and let out a sigh. 

“He isn’t your brother,” Niall told me and the words hit my chest with force as I struggled to swallow my sandwich down. “I know that is what you are thinking,” he said, his eyes were sober as his words hit me. “You have such a pure soul, Harry, even after all the shit that happened to you and Gemma but you need to let that go. Saving Louis won’t make you feel like you saved your brother as much as you want and seek for it to do.” 

With each word it felt that it was hitting my chest and it all began to click in my mind. I had known for a long time that somewhere in the deep recesses of my soul and mind this is what I had been thinking, wishing and hoping but I never spoke them for fear of them not coming true. “I know,” my voice shook a bit as I looked down. “I just, I guess that is my demon that won’t leave me.” 

Pulling me into a hug Cecilia set he head on mine and gave my shoulder a squeeze, “we all have them, we all have to face them in ways that work for us, and in a time that is right for us. Just know that when working with Louis and I know that it seems like such a fluff and Hallmark answer but it might help with your frustration with not only him but those who pass judgement on him.” 

“Please tell me why you didn’t go into counseling again?” 

She shrugged, “I like to cook more,” she joked with us as Niall gave my knee a squeeze. “This isn’t the normal Harry, I need you to be positive.” 

Laughing I took my shot of whisky, setting the cup on the table, “he is still here, he is just having an off day,” I told her with a smile and kissed her temple. “But with good news,” I said as I turned to Niall. “You still good for going to Seattle? I booked the ticket so you don’t really have a choice now.” 

“Hell yes,” he told me as he filled his plate a mile high with food. “I have been looking forward to seeing Gemma and the little munchkins probably about as much as you have,” he joked with me. “Plus, we haven’t had a mates trip in a few years so it’s time to make up for that.” 

“Don’t die,” Cecilia told us as she looked at both Niall and I who looked back at her confused. She shook her head at us, “no, I don’t trust those looks. When you two goofs get together and there is no one to balance you out - god, the shit hits the fan and you end up either with broken bones, a busted up car or a whole in the apartment wall and neither of you will admit to me how it happened or what made it happen.” 

Niall took a sip of his wine as he looked at me and put on a fake posh accent, “I am not aware of these events that you speak of, madame.” 

“Yes,” I said joining him as I pulled my glasses down to the tip of my nose. “I am sorry if you are having your monthly menstruation to make your mind weak and susceptible to lies, but we have done no such things.” 

Taking both of her hands she pushed us both over onto the ground as we laughed and she just rolled her eyes and let out a huff. “That, that is the shit. I’m not sure how Gemma put up with you lot.” 

“Neither do we,” Niall and I said together with a laugh. 

We stayed at Cecilia’s until the food was done, the bottles were half drunk and three still not opened yet. We helped clean up the dishes and make sure that everything was all good for when her first shift manager came in to open up for breakfast. I gave them each a kiss and a hug goodbye as I grabbed my camera. Cecilia locked the door behind me and I knew that Niall was already half naked waiting for her to come up to bed. The sky was black, the street lights were all that illuminated the five minute walk down the block to my flat. I shoved my hands into my jean jacket pockets as my boots clicked and I felt relief at how much I had done today for work, and that tomorrow I would be able to focus on photos for the accounts and taking more notes for Louis to study when he wasn’t at practice. 

“You are doing the best that you can do, Styles,” I said to myself in the quiet of the evening. I turned the corner to the flat as I pulled my mobile out of my pocket and sent a text that I knew I shouldn’t send but I needed to send. 

***

Ben’s breathing was steady as he laid face down in the middle of my bed, the duvet was barely covering his arse as the rest of his body laid on the white sheets looking almost perfect there. Turning my head back to my dimly lit computer screen to edit photos. I wanted to be able to sleep, I had thought after going two rounds with Ben it would have tuckered me out along with the beer but I had woke up after a quick nap and my mind was just running non stop. So, the only way to stop it and hopefully get my mind to calm the shit down was to edit photos. With every heavy breath that Ben made in the back of my mind I knew that I shouldn’t have slept with him  _ again _ . I knew that Niall was going to be upset, he didn’t hate Ben but he didn’t like how he was using me. And that this wasn’t healthy and I wasn’t in university anymore and that I was better than casual sex. I knew I was, hell Ben knew that he was too and that this wasn’t the best for either of us but we were just good at it. Even if everything else about our relationship was toxic. Even our friendship was toxic. 

I knew this. 

Ben knew this. 

But yet we are here, me sitting on my desk chair naked as I was working on photos while Ben slept.  _ You need to stop this, Harry.  _ I said to myself as my hand moved the pen and zoomed in to enhance the color in the light. My eyes burned behind my glasses from exhaustion and the fact I was editing in the dark and turned down the brightness so not to bother Ben. Biting the inner part of my cheek I saved the photo and pulled up another one as my mobile screen lit up. I wasn’t sure who was texting me at 5 in the morning, and if it was Niall telling me about the sex he just had I was going to change the locks on him in the flat. Clicking the home button on my mobile I saw that it was a notification that I had set up in case Louis was mentioned on social media.

My stomach dropped. 

_ Fuck.  _

Unlocking my mobile the Twitter app pulled up I saw the tweet. It had been retweeted already 540 times, liked over 800 and commented on 40. 

_ Shit. Shit. Shit.  _

I didn’t need to click on the video to know what it was. I had been there and I didn’t want to relive the moment where Ronald broke Louis. Clicking on the comments my heart sank as I read over them. 

**_@amywise_ ** _ wow, tmz was right about how he acts and treats people. It’s so sad that they would allow him to get away with this.  _

**_@bbabbot_ ** _ why would anyone want to go and see him in anything? He isn’t talented like Christian Bale where he could get away with this _

**_@riverdalebabe_ ** _ I feel so bad for Hayley that she has to be subjected to this. They need to get rid of him from the show and he needs to go and get anger management.  _

**_@s.ford_ ** _ this is horrible.  _

I kept on reading and everything read about the same. My mind and body went into damage control mode, minimizing photoshop I pulled on the internet and Twitter and was able to get to work. I began to dig deep on the interwebs to try and stop the video before it hit more than just Twitter - even though it was bad that it had already hit there. I felt as if the Jeopardy music was playing and ticking down the time that I had until I was screwed, yet again. Quickly reporting each video and contacting Twitter asking them to take it down due to the privacy of Louis. 

_ The threads had been reported, I emailed them, instagram and facebook is good  _ I thought as I typed in his name into google and let out a sigh of a bit of relief. I knew that it would never be completely gone but it wasn’t going to be in the top of the searches and if it was, just let it die down and get a video of him dancing and working hard to counteract that one. Pushing my glasses up on the top of my head I took the palms of my hands and rubbed my eyes as sleep might finally be hitting my body. 

_ What now _ I thought as my mobile screen lit up again and I saw that was it was Damien.  _ Fuckin’ ell.  _ I thought as I unlocked it and saw the Twitter link to the video of Louis.  

**What the fuck is this? You are being paid for this to not happen. You need to fix this NOW or I will make sure that you are fired from this job and can never work again in New York City - Damien**

I wanted to throw my mobile in anger and I wanted to scream but there was no use. I knew I was talking to a mad man. Closing my eyes I took a deep breath in and then out before I replied to his message knowing that I had to be careful or lord knows what he would tell Gavin. 

**I am in the processes of getting it fully removed - Harry**

**It better be fixed by tomorrow - Damien**

I laughed internally as I locked my mobile and turned it face down on the desk. Leaning backward in my chair I huffed as I heard Ben moving in bed. I listened as he rolled over onto his back and he looked up at me in the semi dark bedroom. “Come back to bed,” his voice was groggy as his eyes squinted. “Your side of the bed is cold and I don’t like it.” 

I laughed softly, “yeah?” 

Ben tapped my side of the bed and I couldn’t resist. I turned off my computer screen and crawled from the chair back into my bed. “I had work to do,” I told him as my body stretched out next to him as his legs wrapped around mine.

I knew that he was rolling his eyes as his body moved closer towards mine and his face looked at mine in the dark. “Who texted you?” 

“What?” 

“I heard you move as if you went into panic mode ,” he explained to me as his body stretched and his hands moved my curly fringe from my head. “Who texted you?” 

Taking a deep breath I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go into it all with Ben, but he had that sense about him where I just wanted to tell him everything and have him fix it for me. “You know you can’t ask me those kind of questions or you will charge me,” I laughed as he poked my side and I flinched. “It was Louis’ manager back in LA. Someone had taken a video of him throwing a fit but it wasn’t how it seems.” 

“How does it seem?” 

“That he is a spoiled white boy from LA who got this job because he is a spoiled white boy from LA,” I explained to him. “But, the man who was their trainer today for some aerial stunts in the show, he just verbally beat him down until he snapped and it was to the point where I about snapped and Gavin did as well.” 

“Shit.” 

“Yeah,” I admitted to him. “So, he was threatening this job, any future jobs.” 

“Okay, but why?” he asked genuinely confused at my statement. “You aren’t his manager, nor can you control what people post.” 

I laughed and shrugged as I realized as he couldn’t see me, “because Damien thinks that I am basically Louis’ bitch and have to do whatever he wants me to do, which I don’t,” I reminded myself and Ben. “He only wants Louis to be in a bad light if he is the one who plans it,” laughing I closed my eyes and pressed my head in the crook of his neck. “So I have to try and calm the flames.” 

“I’m sure that you will be able to handle this,” he said to me as his finger slowly moved up and down my side. “But, you need to know when to turn off work and relax. To enjoy time with friends and a casual lover,” he laughed as my breath hitched as I laughed with him. “I’m serious, you are so, so high strung that you forget that you can pause and enjoy life, and hanging out with Niall and Cecilia at her cafe doesn’t count.” 

I wanted to flick him off but I just remained silent. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. He blew up at Roland. It was completely warranted and I would have done the same thing but with Louis, all eyes were on him and then those eyes move to Gavin and he begins to feel this inordinate amount of pressure to prove that what they see isn’t the ‘real Louis’, and then you start to believe him and BOOM Louis pulls this. My eyes closed as I inhaled and exhaled sharply as Ben turned towards me and I knew that he was looking up at me. “Maybe Niall,” I said as I began to form an idea in my head. “Yeah, I can have him or someone else do a profile piece on the show in general...” my mind was on a roll now as I sat up, I moved forward to get it from my desk. “they can interview him. Laura, and maybe even interview Keala…” I trailed off as I felt Ben’s hand grab my wrist and pull me back down onto the bed. 

“Stop. Working.” He told me. “Sleep, or not, but don’t work. You need to stop and give yourself a break. You are going to work yourself ill if you are trying to prove to these people that you can do all of this - you can and you just need to relax,” he said to me as I wanted to hide my face as it blushed. “Now, I’m done giving you free advice, but if you want more,” he said as he kissed my chest and slowly moved up towards my neck. “I do accept payment in other ways.” 

My body relaxed as I knew he wanted to go at it again. 

“Now,” Ben said and I knew that he was smiling, “We can either go to sleep or, we can use the other two condoms that I had with me,” he whispered to me in my ear. “And then tomorrow we can talk about how we need to stop doing this and that it’s starting to become a bad habit.” 

“Sounds good to me, Doctor,” I said as I felt his body quiver a bit. I waited for him as he grabbed the condom and lube and while he got himself ready. I laid there in the dark as his lips pressed against my lower neck to hide any marks that no doubt I was going to have after this evening. Tilting my head back I closed my eyes and turned my brain off as I went another round with Ben. 

I knew that this was a bad idea. I knew that this was just one of my self destructive behaviours acting out from a traumatizing childhood that I have never fully come to grips with since it expanded into my early teenage years as well. It was a family trait some would say, others would say weakness where we all were addicts in one way or another. I had been to doctors, therapists and everything had come to the same conclusion.  _ “Due to the trauma in my past I had learned to compensate and that meant that I would push myself to the point of exhaustion in both personal and professional settings. I would get so overwhelmed that I would do the easier and most convenient thing for me. Mixed with social anxiety I would sometimes end up in a mindspace that was unhealthy and could lead me to act irrationally _ . This, this what I do with Ben was irrational even though I hid it pretty well to everyone but to my closest friends. I hated myself after but right now it was good to have my mind empty of everything and turn feelings off. I’m sure that any good therapist would tell me that it was due to the toxic relationship that my mother and father had caused my need for recreational sex when I wasn’t in a relationship with an ex. But it wasn’t. My dad loved my mum until the day she gave up on herself and on wanting to be a mum. Even now he will never speak an ill word about her to other people. Some people would say it was the simple fact that I hadn’t been in a relationship for longer than a year. Well - I had when I was in university. It was one where I felt that I would end up with him. Married in a shitty New York flat but in love. We would both make it big and adopt several children, move to the suburbs and be happy. But that dream was ripped out from under me when I found out that he wanted to date a women and that he didn’t think he was gay, but felt that he had to be gay in order to be a theater major. No, this was me being able to be fully naked, not get asked questions about the scars on my arms and chest. It was the feeling of nothingness in the most euphoric way possible. But it was the simple fact that it was with Ben and Ben alone. I wasn’t one for Grindr hook ups, for one night stands with bad dates. It just made sense for me at this point in my life. 

I let out a moan as I felt myself close to climaxing and I knew that Ben had a wicked look in his eyes even in the dark. My fingers pressed into his shoulder as I pushed him down to make him go faster.  

“Not until you scream.” 

“Never,” I said weak as all my breathing was focused on keeping up with Ben. 

_ Maybe you should try going to the gym and not casual sex when you are stressed  _ my conscience told me as my hands pressed harder into Ben’s back as I felt his body jerk with mine. My top teeth bit down on my bottom lip - I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of me screaming, not this time. Our bodies slowly separated as I grabbed some tissues to clean myself up and Ben went into the bathroom to do the same for himself. Sitting up, I tossed the tissues in the bin by the side of my bed as I knew that I was going to have to change the sheets in the morning, I was going to need a good shower in a few hours when I got the feeling back in my legs and I still needed to talk with Niall about the problem that was Louis Tomlinson and beg him for help. I grabbed my mobile from my desk and began to charge it and laid it down on my bedside table. Checking, I made sure that my alarm was set and I would be able to hear it, and I had a backup one in case I slept through the first one. 

The floor squeaked as Ben walked back into the room and crawled back into the bed. “Why are you so stubborn,” he asked me as I set my mobile down. “Do you feel better now?” 

“Yes,” I lied but I did feel better in a way as I went to laid back down in my bed. “Stop.” 

“You are still thinking about work.” 

“Bad habit.” 

Ben laughed, “I know.” 

With that the conversation was done. Ben would be asleep in a matter of minutes while I laid there thinking and dwelling about work.  _ Talk with Niall in the morning and get a plan put together to present to Gavin when you show up at work in a matter of 5 hours.  _ I thought to myself as my eyelids grew heavy and my body became one with the bed.  _ Just rest, you can get your 5 hours and be ready to go in the morning. It will be a long day, Styles _ . I told myself. 

As my alarm rang out and my body jolted awake it felt as if I had been asleep for a half hour at most. But no, I had gotten a few hours before I opened my eyes and saw the sun from the open bedroom door. Rolling over I grabbed my glasses off my bedside table, as I put them on I saw that there was a hot cup of coffee for me and a bag with a donut in there. Sitting up my body stuck to the sheets from the sweat from the last night's activities and the heat from not putting my fan on in the evening. I blinked a few times before looking around to see that Ben was still here, for his jacket was still on the ottoman by my door on top of his shoes. As I roused to the real world I could hear the shower running, and I heard someone downstairs. Stretching my arms over my head I let out a yawn and quickly slipped on my pants and joggers before grabbing my coffee and donut, and made my way out of my bedroom and downstairs where Niall sat with a coffee and donut as well.    
  


I slipped my glasses on and saw that Gavin’s jacket was still in my room from the night before. I listened as I heard the shower running and a panic set in as I feared that I overslept for our afternoon call. Taking a deep breath as I looked at my mobile I saw that I still had three hours before I had to go and get Louis so I relaxed a bit. He looked up at me and I just smiled and shrugged. 

“Can I ask you for a favor?” I asked him as I set my items on the coffee table as Niall took a sip of his coffee. “Stop,” I told him as I knew what he was thinking, I was thinking it and I’m sure that Cecilia and Liam will give me a lecture the next time I see both of them. But I would listen later.  

“This is like twice in a week,” he reminded me as I nodded my head and took a seat next to him on our worn out couch, and pulled my legs up to my chest and set the bag next to me as I held the coffee close to me as I took a smell to help wake up so I could enjoy the drinking of the coffee. “You can’t just eat too much ice cream and watch porn?” 

Laughing I took a sip of the coffee and just looked at Niall and waited for him to finish. “It was a slip up, I was stressed and he had a bad date,” I told him as I heard the excuse leave my mouth and even I knew it was shitty. “But in all honesty, I need your help Nialler,” I pleaded with him. Leaning back on the couch he nodded and began to listen as I spoke, “so on Twitter last night, this morning - I don’t know the time exactly but someone posted a video of Louis having a freak out while at aerial practice and then I got a call and a text and an email from Damien, his manager, that I needed to fix it.” 

“Shit. How?” 

Taking a deep breath, I smiled at him, “this is where I need your help. I want to know if there is anyone - or you - who can write a story or something about and interview Louis, Laura, and Kaela and talk about the show, and help paint him in a better light and the show, and get Damien off my back and Gavin off Lou’s back.” 

I watched Niall take a deep breath in, the wheels in his head turned as he set his coffee down on the coffee table and his lips pressed together to make one single line. I knew he wanted to help me, but he didn’t want to help Louis if he was going to continue to act the way he had been the past week. “I can see if I can find someone - I mean, I can find someone. I just, are you sure that you want to help him out?” 

No, no I wasn’t sure. But at this point, I wasn’t sure much when it came to this job. I needed to do it for Gavin, for me, for everyone in the show from the company, the orchestra, lighting director and to Laura. I wanted Damien off my back, I wanted him just out of my life and to leave Louis alone. “Yes,” I said nodding my head as the shower stopped and the door opened. Both Niall and I looked up and saw that Ben was walking out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist and a smile on his face. 

“Morning,” he said to me as I smiled and turned to Niall who just rolled his eyes and finished off his coffee. 

I turned back towards Niall, “if you could just put some feelers out there. It doesn’t have to be a senior staff writer or anything, just, just someone who is going to come in and not have judgement on Louis to do a fair story that will help everyone, even him, have a bit of a higher spirit when it comes to work.” 

Niall nodded, “yes, you do so much for me I can do this for you,” he told me a bit reluctantly. “I took a half day because, well it hurts to walk.” 

“Vomit in the shower?” 

“Yes,” he told me as I snickered and kicked his leg as he winced. “It was like in uni that one year for homecoming.” 

Grimacing, I shook my head, “no, I don’t want to go back to that memory,” I told him with a smile. “Did Lia make you breakfast?”  

“Yes, the woman never gets hungover,” he told me. “She was up and down in the cafe at 7 am. I have leftovers for you that you can enjoy before going to work to sop up the rest of the alcohol that is still in your stomach.” 

“Ta,” I laughed taking another sip of coffee. Once Niall finished with his he slowly got up from the couch and made his way up the steps to get into the shower, and get ready for work. I sat there enjoying the donut and coffee until I had to get up and get ready for work myself. I hadn’t heard anything from Gavin or Louis in almost 24 hours and I was doing all that I could to not overthink and just let this go. Shooting a text to Louis, I wanted to make sure that he was awake and even if he didn’t reply it was there to show that I had contacted him to let him know that I was coming. 

**I will be at your place in an hour to get you for work - Harry**

Once my coffee was done, I tossed it in the bin with the empty bag that housed the donut before I made my own way up slowly and into my bedroom to get all my stuff packed for the day, showered and in proper clothing. When I walked in Ben was buttoning up his shirt as I saw the sheets had been stripped from the bed for me to wash. “I hope that everything works out for you and the show. If you get stressed try taking a cold shower,” he told me. 

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I laughed as he slipped on his loafers and patted me on the shoulder. “See you around, Harry.” 

I waved goodbye to him as he went to show himself out and I began to pack and get ready for work. I pulled clean clothes out of my closet and waiting for Niall to get out of the shower, I scrolled through my emails and was able to reply to some before I even got into work today.  My head hurt, as did other parts of my body. I didn’t want to even look to see where Ben had left marks on me and if I was going to have to pull out theater makeup to cover it up. 

“All yours,” Niall called out as left the bathroom naked and made his way into his bedroom. 

“Ta!” 

My body went onto autopilot as I showered, got dressed, said goodbye to Niall and grabbed some breakfast for Louis before scooping up my keys from the floor where I dropped them in a state of lust and headed back out to my car. I felt like I was in Edgar Wright film where he cuts from a front door closing, a car door opening, a car door closing, a street and then the car door opening again as I reached Louis’ flat. I didn’t know if I was still in a state of euphoria or just mental exhaustion that I didn’t remember how I reached my destination. But there I was, my black oxfords stood in contrast with the concrete steps where they laid as I knocked on the door to see if Louis would actually answer the door this time around. Counting to my normal 60 as I dug for his key in my bag. I gave it one more knock, but I knew that it was useless. I was hoping that Louis was in the shower and that is why he wasn’t answering but I knew better than to expect more from him than basically the bare minimum to the point of him doing nothing. Unlocking his front door I walked in, all the light were out, the air smelled weird and as I rounded the corner I saw what was smelling. It was a pile of Thai food that he hadn’t eaten but left out on the coffee table to spoil if it hadn’t already. 

“Louis, we have to leave for work.” 

Louis laid there on his bed, his face buried in his pillow, turning his head so I could hear him he bluntly told me, “I’m not going,” he said. He wasn’t being a brat, he didn’t throw up his middle finger and tell me to fuck off or shove it. No, he just stated those three words of him not wanting to go to work. “Sorry for the inconvenience, Mr. Styles, but I will see you at a later time.” 

Standing there I wanted to talk to him, to push him and try and convince him to get up, and to head on out with me, and that it was all going to be okay. But I didn’t have the energy, I also looked at him and knew that he wasn’t my brother. He was Louis and if he didn’t want to work, I wasn’t going to make him work. I was going to work and do my job but that didn’t consist of being a parent to an adult man. 

“Fine, okay,” I finally said as I saw his head lift a bit, confused that I had agreed to this and he didn't have to fight with me. Part of me knew that he wanted the fight and that he thrived off of it, and I wasn’t going to give that to him. Turning on my heels I made my way back to the front door, “toss the food, you will get bugs or worse, rats,” I explained to him as I left. I wasn’t going to get sucked into the Tomlinson Tornado of insults, anger and rage. They had his understudy, a kid who wanted his big change to step in for him until they got a replacement or just used him. I left Louis to stew in his anger and laziness as I got back into the car and headed on wards to work.

The ride was silent, my eyes looked down at his food and I wanted to throw it out the window in anger, but I just let it sit there, and I would bring it up and eat it whilst on my break for the day. My heart raced a bit as I walked up into the room without Louis, but it is what I had to do. 

“Morning,” I said to Laura as she looked over my shoulder and saw that Louis was missing. I just shrugged and made my way to my spot to drop off my items before I spoke with Gavin. I wasn’t sure how to phrase any of this to him, but I just didn’t want to fight with him today. I set my bag in my chair, my coffee on the table and made my way over the wood floors to where Gavin was sitting with Kaela, and talking about a scene for her. “Can we talk right quick?” I asked him as he looked up and scanned the room to see where Louis was. “It’s about that.” 

Gavin nodded his head, “excuse me,” he told her as he handed back her script, standing up we took the conversation out into the hallway as Jessi got everyone together to work on the dance with Laura and Colin. “He didn't want to come today, did he?” 

I shook my head. “I am trying with the video-” I was saying as he held up his hand and smiled at me. I was confused but I was going to ride this and see where it got me. 

“Damien says stuff all the time but he never acts,” he explained to me as I felt a weight off my chest. “It happened, Louis was provoked to the point where I’m sure any of us would have snapped, but, I do like your idea with the article and I think that we should do it, and if it helps Louis then good, if it helps the show, then good.” 

My whole body began to relax and my anxiety monster went back into his cage. 

Gavin pulled out his mobile and headed towards the stairwell, “I will call Louis, and if he opts not to come in today then he knows what the consequences are,” he told me. “Go and do your job and not the one that Damien has deemed more important by putting the fear of god in you,” he joked as he patted my shoulder. I smiled, that was all that I could do for I was shocked at how well that went over and that Gavin had Louis more under control than I thought. I made my way back into the studio and to my work space. I had to take photos today and it killed me that Louis wasn’t here to get those up to show him care, or even show him pretending to care just so people see something that isn’t him flicking off a man at an aerial gym. 

I kept to myself the first two hours of rehearsal, I had to focus on getting the computer stuff done in order to move onto the photos for the second half of the day. I know that everyone was anxious on getting to singing but Gavin wanted to make sure that they had mastered the dancing since it was a heavy amount and different styles. My hand was drawing away on my tablet for the playbill idea when I looked up to see Louis dragging his arse into practice. I had to remind myself not to let my jaw fall to the ground looking as shocked as everyone was around me. I was shocked, but I also had a feeling that he would come, he was stubborn but up to a certain point until he was kicked in the balls and got his act together. He looked drunk as he walked across the floor in his worn vans, joggers that had bleach marks on them and the same t-shirt he had on from yesterday. His brown hair was sticking up as if he didn’t bother to wash it, the hair on his face growing thicker in patches and more ratty looking in others. He set his bag on the ground and took a seat on the floor, his back up against the wall as he watched Emily work on her dance with Colin. I didn’t move, I just forced myself to bring my eyes back to my computer screen and get back to work.

_ He isn’t your brother. You can’t save him that way, and you might not be able to save him at all. You just need to let this go, Harry. The need to save those you deem unable to save themselves. _

My hand moved and I drew as I listened to the music, my eyes looking up a few times to make sure that Louis was actually there and not just an image in my delusional state of mind. But, no, he was there, looking like a toddler who was pouting that his mum and dad made him turn off the telly and read of book or converse with them at dinner time. 

_ He isn’t tripped out on drugs, maybe it wasn’t so bad after all  _ I thought as my hands just moved and I talked to myself.  _ I just want him to be okay, and I want the show to be okay, and if that means saving him then I would. If it means leaving him to his own devices so the young actor Will can take over, or even if they called in Jeremy I would do that as well.  _ I just needed to know what route to take, for at this point I was confused and the inner conflict was driving me mental everytime that I saw Louis and knew that he could do this, that he could do more than what he was doing now. Removing my glasses I rubbed the sleep from my eyes as I leaned back and heard my back crack up and down, and then I rotated my neck to get the blood flow back in order to continue to keep working and not get antsy. I needed to work and not worry about Louis, he was a man and could take care of his issues himself. 

_ Wrong _ . 

God I hated my inner self always wanting to do the nice thing. 

Everyone clapped and Laura and Colin finished their dance, and Gavin smiled as he stood up to address everyone, “okay, we will take a 45 minute break to get some fuel, a juice or cool down and then we will run from the number ‘A Million Dreams’,” Gavin called out. Everyone began to gather their things for a break, some stayed in the studio to stretch, lay down and rest or just talk. A few others made their way to get food, most were going to get some coffee or juice. Shutting my laptop I was about to follow Louis as he darted out of the studio but was stopped by Hayley. 

“Hey,” I said to her as she flashed me a smile. “If you are going to talk about the Twitter video I have that under control and will be doing damage control as soon as I hear back from a mate,” I told her as she just shook her head. 

“No, that is nothing,” she told me as she arched a brow, “Is Louis okay? I tried to text him but he didn’t reply and then he came in today looking, well looking like a homeless man you would pick up off the streets.” 

“I’m not sure, I was going to go and see how he was,” I admitted to her as she looked a bit shocked. “He didn’t want anyone around yesterday and I wasn’t going to be in the line of fire when someone is angry. I know how I get when I reach the point of no return and I didn’t want to be on the receiving end of it.” 

Hayley let out a sigh, “okay, just, just make sure that he is okay, like actually okay.” 

I nodded as I slipped my mobile into my back pocket and headed on out of the studio, taking the stairs I took them two at a time and made it out to the back where I saw Louis standing, his right hand up to his mouth as he smoked another cigarette. “I’m glad you decided to come today,” I said as I tried to feel him out as I spoke. “Are you feeling better now?” 

I watched as a cloud of smoke left his lips and he turned to me, “Jesus, no. I was given an ultimatum and I decided not to piss Gavin off anymore than he already is at me and my actions.” His feet moved from side to side as he took another drag and exhaled. “You know that you don’t need to pretend that you care, it was nice to pretend for a few days that you did but I don’t need you to lose your job over me.” 

I took a few steps closer to him, not sure where he was going with this, “Gavin controls my job so I’m not worried. I was being nice because that is how you act towards people. Niceness goes a long way in the world.” 

Louis snorted as smoke left his lips, “sure thing, hippy Harry,” shaking his head he looked down at his feet, he dropped his smoke and put it out with the top of his shoe before he pulled another one out of his pocket form his trousers, lit it and took another drag. “What is wrong now?” he asked as he looked down at his hand. “Oh, Jesus get over it. It’s a smoke. I’ve been smoking since I was 17.” 

“Doesn’t make it right.” 

“You know your self-righteous attitude needs to go,” he told me as he walked towards me. “You are no better than me - and while you walk around like you are better than me I know that you aren’t. No one is. We are all shitty humans and some of us are just better at masking them then others. So - next time you want to fooking come at me and judge me for this,” he held the smoke up in his hand, “why don’t you see areas where you fook up in and fix those. Okay?” as he took another drag I felt this wave of anger come over my body and I wasn’t able to control it. It was as if I was watching myself act out these motions as my consciousness watched and didn’t stop me. 

Grabbing the cigarette from his hand, I tossed it on the ground and put it out with the heel of my shoes as I reached into the pocket in his joggers and pulled out his packet of smokes. 

“What the fook!” he yelled as I opened them up and began to unroll each one of them and drop them onto the ground. “Are you fooking crazy?” 

“No, I’m done being nice,” I told him as my voice was still, my chest felt as if it was on fire and my hands shook. “You coming into work drunk isn’t cool and will not fly,” I said as I unrolled two and tossed the paper onto the ground. “You need to stop smoking for it is not only going to kill you but those around you will get ill from the second hand smell of these,” I said breaking one in half. “You like this whole self-sabotage act, you use it so you don’t have to try and then that way you don’t have to worry about if you do a bad job or not. I have been busting my ass to get you an interview to try and show people that you care but you don’t,” my voice rose with frustration as he looked at me a bit dumbfounded at my actions. My blood was boiling and my hands shook. 

“I can see it now that you don’t care, this is just another job. Another job that you can do a mediocre performance in and then after the first month or so you will move on, and the show will go on and so will you. But where the fuck does that leave you? Huh, have you ever thought of that, Louis? I know you hate this show, you hate this city,” my voice grew in anger as I spoke. “But god, for one why don’t you get those fucking blinders off your eyes and look around, and see all the people who are actually rooting for you and want you to do something amazing!” 

With the last cigarette I unrolled it and dropped it to the ground. Louis just stood there and looked at me as if I had just murdered his entire family with my bare hands in front of him. 

“All you care about is yourself and no matter where you go, what movie roll you get, the ones you don’t get, if you only care about yourself then you will end up even lower than you are now,” I explained to him as my hands felt like I had just dumped them in a pool of water, my legs were Jell-O and I wanted to vomit. There was more that I wanted to say to him, but I didn’t much care since he didn’t care all that much to listen to me. I handed his empty box of what was once his cigarettes back to him before I headed back into the studio and went back to my desk. I had no idea if he was going to return, if he was going to go to Gavin and tell on me, even worse if he was going to go to Damien and tell on me. All I knew was I was done being walked on by him. I was done seeing him just waste away his talent and not giving a flying fuck. 

*** 

My desk chair squeaked as I leaned back a bit, my eyes were looking at the screen while my hand idly scrolled through Amazon. I had been feeling a bit like a dick ever since I got home and my mind began to replay the whole situation with Louis outside the studio. I had gone back and forth on calling him, even going over to his place to say that I was sorry, sending him a message and a basket of fruit, calling my sister to get her idea on what I should do. But, then the words of Niall from the other night came over me and I couldn’t help Louis unless he wanted me to help him, and I don’t believe that he does want me to help him. When I had gotten home from work Niall was already out on his date night with Cecilia, Liam was with Kate and I was alone, I had made myself a proper breakfast and a cuppa coffee, and ate it while editing and catching up on some shows I watch without Niall. I had caught up with getting the different engagement photos, family photos and headshots done and sent to the proper owners, and got paid as my bank account began to be flushed again after I emptied it out for rent. Now I had time, was on my fourth cup of coffee and wasn’t sure what to do. I was too awake to sleep, but I was too lazy to go out and go for a run to rid myself of the energy. 

“Knock, knock,” Niall said as he walked into my room with a plate of cookies in his hand, he was still dressed in his trousers and nice top from his date and I knew that Cecilia had made these before they came over for the evening. “I have a peace offering.” 

Laughing, I rolled my chair over to the side of my desk to examine the cookies, “and why do you have a peace offering?” I asked him confused by the gesture. Niall walked further in and took a seat on the end of my bed. 

“Last night, I was a bit harsh about how Louis isn’t your brother,” He said to me as I waved my hand in the air and grabbed a cookie from the plate. “No, it’s not something you can just brush off like that,” he told me and I knew that this had been bothering him if he was going to be serious for these moments. “I - I don’t want you to think that I knew what it was like for you with your brother. I know I was there with you as a friend but it was never  _ my  _ brother or  _ my  _ feelings. I don’t want you to assume that I think it’s the same as what is going on with Louis.” 

Nodding my head as he spoke he began to fiddle with his hands, I knew that he was nervous like I was actually upset with him about it. “I know that, you know better than anyone and what you said it true.” 

“It might be, I mean it is but how I said it was-” 

“What I needed to hear,” I assured him with a smile. “What I love about you as my mate, Niall, is that you know when I need to hear things and you tell me in a way that I stop and have to think about it. Louis isn’t Jonathan. While I wanted to help him, I couldn’t. I want to help Louis but I’m not going to force my thoughts and will to help him on him.” 

Niall shook his head, “no, you can’t give up on him.” 

My eyes narrowed as my head cocked. “Huh?” 

“Your brother didn’t want help, he didn’t think what he was doing was wrong,” explained Niall, “Louis, he doesn’t want to be whatever he is. You can tell by how you said he was trying, and he was tearing down the walls.  _ That  _ is the difference.” 

“You think?” 

Niall nodded, “yeah, so don’t be like everyone else in his life who has given up on him. You might be the only one who hasn’t ‘done him a favor’ that he can count on that will be there to motivate him and call him out on his shite when he needs it.” 

“Yeah?” 

“Yes, and I can’t have you thinking that - wait, are you fucking winding me up?” Niall asked as I couldn’t help but laugh. I ducked down as a throw pillow came flying at my head and hit the white wall behind me. “You are such a fucking tosser.” 

“So kill a girl who likes a compliment,” I joked with him as I finished off yet another cookie and Niall gave me a big middle finger as I smiled, socking my head and squinting my eyes as if I was innocent and didn’t fish for a compliment. “But, in all seriousness, thank you for all that you said to me when you were drunk and now when you were sober, this is why I love you,” I told him with a smile as I offered him a cookie, which I knew Cecilia told him not to eat unless I offered it to him. Seeing as if a weight had been lifted from his chest Niall grabbed a cookie and shoved it into his mouth. “Am I to assume that Cecilia made these?” 

Niall nodded as he took another one, “and,” he said with his mouth full, “I couldn’t have any until I apologized.” 

I couldn’t help and laugh at that comment. It was the most Cecilia way to have Niall do something and be rewarded at the end of doing it. He was like a cute trained puppy or bird. 

“Oh!” he said as his blue eyes grew wide and he looked at me, he wiped the crumbs from the cookie on his pants and he finished up chewing before he began to speak, “I spoke with Dex about the story and we have someone to do it, but it will have to be done tomorrow if that is okay?” 

I nodded my head, no words were able to leave for I was just that flabbergasted that someone was willing to do this fluff piece for me to help save the show and Louis at the same time. “Who is going to do it?” 

Niall flashed me a big smile, “me.” 

“What?” I asked confused. Niall’s forte was food for fun videos with his friend Parker that he worked with, but other than that he was in the caliber of the more serious news reporting that go on with the company. He didn’t do fluff pieces, at least not since he was an intern. “Did no one want to take it?” 

He shook his head, “no, I want to help you out,” he said as he sat forward, “so I spoke with Dax and he is fine with it all, so just let me know what time and I will be at the studio tomorrow with my team to do a video one.” 

Jumping out of my chair I fell into Niall’s lap as I wrapped my arms around his neck and squashed him onto my bed as I thanked him over and over and over again. “I know you can’t breathe but I don’t care,” I said with a laugh as I kissed his forehead and smiled down at him. “Thank you,” I told him. “I mean it, this means a lot to me, Niall, so thank you.”  

He gave me a thumbs up, seeing how his breathing wasn’t the best I rolled over onto the empty side of the bed, he took a deep breath in and then we both let out a laugh, “I thought you were going to kill me for about .4 seconds,” he told me with a nudge. “Also, what is going on with you and Ben?” 

Ah, Ben. I knew there was more to the cookies than him saying he was sorry, and then buttering me up with the interview. Now we were getting to the heart of the conversation that he wanted to discuss with me. In my head it was easy to describe what we were, friends who would help each other out if the other needed a stress reliever. But saying that out loud made it seem like we were friends with benefits. And we were friends, but the benefits were limited, to well, sex. “I don’t know if there is a way to say it that doesn’t make me sound like a slut,” I admitted to him. I could feel Niall’s eyes looking at me. I knew how much he didn’t care for Ben, he saw the toxicness of our relationship and yet I still can’t seem to let him go. “We help each other out when we are stressed.” 

“A booty call.” 

Narrowing my eyes I turned my head and glared at him, “no, we actually talk about what is going on in our lives both before and after sex,” I corrected him as he made a face a bit to mock me. “I know it’s bad. But we usually do it like four times a year max.” 

“So this past week made it 6?” 

“No,” laughing as I pushed my glasses off my face and covered my eyes and cheeks which were now beat red from embarrassment. “Louis is driving me mental and I needed an outlet.” 

“You have two nice hands and a cold shower,” he told me. “Hell, I would even leave if you wanted to just do it on your bed and then go again in the shower. I just - I know that Ben is a nice bloke, he helps a lot of people for his job but when you two were together….” 

“I know, trust me after the mini intervention with my dad on skype I realized that it wasn’t good. But we have rules, not that that makes it any better, but we don’t kiss, if either of us is in a relationship we don’t sleep with each other, it’s just sex with someone you know and can be in a safe place with.” 

Niall’s eyes panned over to me as I subconsciously grabbed my arms and folded them over my chest. “You swear that is all it is?” 

I nodded my head, “I promise, I don’t think either of us want to be in a relationship with each other ever again in that way.” 

Niall laid there silently. 

“What?” 

“I mean, he brought donuts and coffee. He would do that shit when you were dating to warm me up and then make it okay when he started to manipulate you.” 

“Yeah, that was a new one.” 

“Just,” pausing he turned his head back towards me and looked at me, “just be careful, okay? I know that you are an adult and you can do what you want to do. But I’m your best mate and I will always be there for you and I will beat up his arse if you need me to.” 

“Noted.” 

“Do you think it’s because you have the hots for Louis and you can’t have him because he is straight so you are reaching for the next best thing which is Ben?” 

I felt my lips forming a smile as I did my best to try and deny any of what Niall had said was true but I sucked and he knew the second I stuttered to get the words out of my mouth. 

“Cool, I got my answer.” Sitting up Niall patted my thigh, “enjoy the cookies.” 

“Enjoy your sex tonight,” I told him as he gave me a wink and went down to join Cecilia for a movie. I shut my bedroom door, my hand grabbed the plate of cookies and cup of milk as I carried them over to where my desk chair was, I got settled back in, I went back to Amazon but I turned my attention to finding a good gift for my niece for her birthday that I can put mine and Niall’s name on it so he won't be rushing last minute to find a gift, fit it in his carry on bag and have to wrap it when we land in Seattle. 

“Now, where is the list my sister made,” I said as I looked up the registry for Rosie on Amazon. But, I also needed to find a gift that Gemma was going to kill me for getting for her, because what else is a twin brother good for? 


	6. eating crow. again.

**louis**

 

“Well, today sucked ass,” I said to myself as my face hit the pillows of my bed and my body went down like a stiff board. I was skilled enough to piss Harry off, and then piss Gavin off, and then piss Harry off even more, and I wasn’t sure if it was me being a jackass or the fact that I was smoking again, or that I was just an asshat who had years of manipulation by Damien to act this way and didn’t know how to stop it now. “Gowd you clot,” hissing I rolled over onto my back and pounded my bed with my fists. I wanted to crawl in a hole and just rot there. I had crawled back to Harry and told him “I’m sorry” more time that I should have been allowed to say for at this point I know that he is thinking that I didn’t mean it, or that I didn’t care. I mean, my actions have showed that but deep inside of me I didn’t want to be this. I wanted people to look at me and know that I cared and that I tried, and that I wanted to be here, and wasn’t being forced as if Gavin was holding something over my head in order for me to come. 

I wanted to blame Damien, and whilst he was part to blame, it was honestly all on me. I had been 16 and didn’t care to listen to my mum or father, and just went along with it all, and now here I was. Isolated from the cast, alone, full of regret and annoyance with myself.  _ You did this, Tomlinson _ , I thought to myself as my eyes closed and then I opened them, for whenever I did close them I just saw Harry’s face of sadness as I yelled at him. “Well, isn’t that the first step? Admitting that you are wrong?” There was silence as I laid there. I never realized how much I missed having someone to talk to like I had in Eloise. 

I had been keeping up with her social media and she was enjoying Paris as she should. She had the personality and heart to be more and so more than what she had done. I wanted to see her reach her full potential and then go past that. I sounded like a dance mum but I loved her and wanted nothing but the best. 

_ Speaking of mums, you should really call yours, Louis.  _ I told myself as I thought of the text messages that I left unanswered to her. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk to her, it’s just that whenever I did I had this horrible guilt in my gut on how I’ve acted over these years. Towards her, Phillip, my siblings, myself. I was the child she was proud of but quickly grew embarrassed to claim as her own. From the outside it looked like I had excommunicated them from my life. And while I did - I did it so they didn’t have to be tied to me. They could move on with their lives and not have the backlash of my actions (which were dictated by Damien) following them in their personal lives. 

Eloise was the reason I would message her when I did. Her mum had passed when she was 18 and she made sure that I kept in contact with mine, even if it was forced and sparse. 

“El, god I wish you were here to tell me what I should do,” I said as my voice filled the empty flat. I felt my bed vibrate, looking down my mobile was ringing and I was shocked to see it was El.  “She is like Beetlejuice or something,” I laughed. “Hey, stranger.” 

“Hey to you,” she said. “You sound perky,” her voice was a bit hushed. 

I shrugged, “I think it was nice to hear a familiar voice,” I admitted to her. “How is the film shoot going?” 

“It’s really good, I have a few days off to enjoy Paris,” she told me. “How is the show going for you?” 

Taking a deep breath in, I wasn’t sure what to say to her. 

“Wow, that good, Lou?” 

She didn’t even have to see my face to know how well it was actually going. 

“Hey, I’ve tried.” 

“How many times have you been drunk?” 

“At work? Zero?” 

“Good. Not at work?” 

“A few times…” I trailed off as I looked up at the ceiling not sure what else to tell her. “I haven’t had to sing yet so I’m still in the clear,” I laughed but I knew that she was giving me a look on the other end of the mobile. “What?” 

“Why don’t you want to sing?” She asked me. “Like, you can actually sing.” 

I snorted. 

Eloise snorted back almost mocking me. “Well, you can,” she told me. “Have you talked to Damien or Mark?” she asked as I heard her tone change. 

My stomach dropped, “no, why?” I asked as I sat up ready to hear probably the worst news in the world. 

“I was just curious,” her voice sighed.

I grew nervous now. The last time she asked me this question it was about a movie role I failed to get and they told her to break the news to me. 

“Eloise...” my voice trailed off trying not to freak out as I sat up in bed to be able to process the information better. 

I heard her take a deep breath before she spoke, my chest grew tighter. “So. Um. You know that I love you like a brother and that you mean the world to me.” 

I nodded my head. “Okay. El, what is going on?” 

“You have been my rock, my partner in more ways and have helped me when I needed it. You are the brother I never knew that I wanted. I love you and care about you, and want you to be the best that you can in everything you do, be in on stage, in front of a camera or in your personal life,” she rambled, her voice going up a few octaves and her pace speeding up. 

“El.”

“I ended the contract,” she blurted out. 

My heart stopped and I felt my chest get tight, and this feeling of relief came over my body. 

“Lou, are you okay? You are oddly silent and I - please don’t go off the deep end on me, darling. I just. I just felt that with you in New York and me in Paris, and the fact the contract was coming up for renewal, and we are adults now that I should. You know that we should kind of just. I don’t want you to hate me, Louis. I know that I said that we would keep the contract until one of us found someone and not just someone you want to have a fun weekend with but someone that makes your heart race, your palms sweat and head spin. I am sorry and I know that I have let you down - and I don’t want you to freak out at work and lash out because of what I decided to do.” 

“El.” 

“I didn’t know how to tell you, and Damien told me not to tell you, and I’ve known for a while, and he hasn’t told you so now I look like the bad guy.” 

“El,” I said a bit louder so that she would stop talking. 

“I don’t want you to think that I’m the bad guy. I love you, Lou and I want you happy, and if you want me to I can always go back and -” 

“Eloise!” I cried and I heard her end of the phone go silent. “Jesus, I’ve never seen you talk this fast in my entire life of knowing you,” I laughed. “Can you breathe?” 

I listened as she took a deep breath in. 

“What is his name?” 

“Dylan.” 

“When did you meet him?” 

I felt the tension on her end leave as she began to tell me about her new boy, “I met him a year ago. We were at a holiday party with my sister for her office job. He is in advertisement and so - well, normal,” she explained to me as I heard her move in her room. “He went to college and he, Louis, he makes me feel something that I’ve never felt before and it’s so weird, and exciting, and so new.” 

I could tell that she was excited and happy. She was truly happy and I hadn’t seen her this happy since her parents surprised her for her birthday the first year she was in LA and we were filming in Hawaii. “That is all I get?” 

Laughing on the other end of the phone I knew that she was smiling from ear to ear. “What else do you want to know?” 

“When did you tell him about our arrangement?” 

“The first night we talked,” she admitted. “He asked me why I was at his place since I was dating you and I told him. He is so far removed from what  _ we do  _ that he just said ‘okay. So what does that mean for us?’ and I told him that we could be friends and get to know each other. And so we did, we texted, and would FaceTime and we would just - be ourselves, which is odd.” 

My chest felt so happy as she spoke. I was so glad that she had escaped from the curse of Louis Tomlinson. “I’m beyond thrilled that you are free,” I said and I knew that it probably sounded sarcastic and insincere but I was happy and thrilled. “I actually am, and don’t overthink it, El. I want you to be happy, and I’m so glad that you’re moving on with your career and becoming the most amazing human and actress, and probably lover of Dylan.” 

“LOUIS!” her voice cracked and I knew that I had embarrassed her. “Aside from that horrible comment that I’m not going to comment on.” 

“How many times?” 

“Are you sure that you are okay?” El asked ignoring me as I kept pestering her. 

“How many times?” 

“Louis.” 

“Yes, I am okay,” I told her for once in my life not lying about how I felt. “Now, how many times?” 

I heard her taking a deep breath in, “How is Harry?” 

Oh, Harry. I felt like an ass when it comes to Harry. He was the punching bag I didn’t want to punch. The man who took bullet after bullet of vile that shot from my mouth when I was so frustrated that I couldn’t speak like an adult and was still there. Harry the goody curly haired man who I had fooked over and apologized to and fooked over again. 

“Good.”

“Do you need a cold shower?”

“Do you?” I asked her back. “How many times?!”

“Ten!” She yelled. Punching the air I had won and she had lost. I knew that it was no doubt killing her that I was able to make her crack. “I hate you,” she laughed but tried so hard to keep a straight face. “Be nice to Harry. He is me in this situation and he just wants to help. Let him in and have him help.”

She was right. 

“Have you called your mom?”

“No.”

“Do it.”

“I will.”

“No, you won’t. But you should,” she told me. “Hold on,” I heard her voice muffled and she spoke with someone else. “I have to go. Love ya, Lou, thank you for the past 12 years.”

“Give them hell,” I told her as a lump formed in my throat. “Love ya, Eloise.”

Hanging up I fell back into my bed and my head began to come down and put everything together. I was single publicly. Damien was going to freak. I needed to put out a statement. Or a tweet. But El was happy, at least one of us was. I was still the loser alone in his home on a Friday night after having a screaming match with the only person who did a good pretending that he cared to the point where I even believed it at times. “This is going to be a long week ahead of me,” I said out loud as my phone vibrated on my comforter. Picking it up I held it over my head and felt a pain of anxiety as Damien’s name popped up. Part of me wanted to just let it ring, but I knew that he would call another several times and if he got nowhere with me then he would call and pester Harry, and then move onto Gavin, and then lash out and do something stupid that would reflect poorly on me. 

“Ello,” I said and was the only thing I was able to get out before his voice came through the mobile as if he was on a bullhorn screaming about Eloise and what just happened. 

“We will crush her!” He cried out in anger as I knew he was not above pouring himself a whiskey and smoking. “No one, and I mean NO ONE will disrespect you, me, us like that!” his words came out like hell fire and I wasn’t sure why he was so bend out of shape about it. “She can’t just decide that she is  _ done _ . Who the fuck does that. I know who,” he said and I knew the next string of words that left his mouth were going to be ones that I yelled back about. “Bitches. Ones that can’t keep it in their fucking pants and need to be sluts and just go from guy to guy.” 

I sat there and listened to him waiting to get a word in. 

“She is such a petty bitch. She thinks that she can ruin you. Ha! We will ruin her!” He took a sip of his drink and I heard a clink on the other end. “So, we can either say that she is pregnant from cheating on you and that you let her go,” he said. 

“No,” I told him since that would be stupid, if we had been together for 12 years and she hadn’t gotten pregnant I’m sure that she wouldn’t be careless with another man. Plus, there was no way that I was going to do anything to hurt her. 

“We can say that she is sick, and that you let her go because it was too hard to deal with.” 

“Jesus, no,” I said thinking how bad that would make me look and that I would never leave her if she needed me in that way. “Damien, it’s fine.” 

“No. No, no, it’s not!” His voice grew louder with each no as he freaked out. “We say that she is a lesbian,” the words hit my chest as he spoke. “And we say that she is dating a transgender.” 

“No, that is horrible to even think of that,” I told him. 

There was a pause, “since when did you grow a conscience?” He asked a bit repelled by my comment. “Are you sure that you are okay out there? You aren’t going soft on me, are you?” 

“Can we just leave it. El is happy and I need to focus on this job at hand,” I explained as my stomach growled and I realized that I should eat before it got too late. “Eloise and I won’t be making any more movies together so it only makes sense that the contract ends now. Let her be free to do what she needs to do in her career and I will work on mine,” I explained to him as my feet moved over the floors and I made my way into the kitchen to see what I could order, and walk and pick up. After this conversation I was going to need some air and a possible smoke. 

There was another pause, this time longer on Damien’s end. I was worried for normally when he stopped talking it was a bad sign for he was thinking and when he does that it only means disaster. “Do you hear yourself?” he asked me with a laugh. “God, Gavin has made you soft like when you showed up to LA at age 16. Grow up, Louis,” he said as his tone went from mocking to anger. “It is a dog eat dog world and if you think that you can get by with playing nice after the shit Mark did behind  _ YOUR _ back then you are wrong. If you keep acting like this you will never land a serious role back out here. They will see you as a sap, a chump, someone who is washed up and can’t hold their own. So,” he said as I tried to not let the words get to me. “The next time you think it’s okay for someone like Eloise to do that, think again. No one out there is your friend. They are using you, and manipulating you to do what they want.” 

_ Not Harry _ . I thought. 

“If you want to be a bitch like Eloise and do nothing that is fine. Just, be prepared for the ramifications when you are the bad guy and she got away without a scratch to her name.” 

Hanging up I clenched my mobile, my hand pulled back and was winding up to throw the device at the wall when I heard Harry’s voice pop into my head. Lowering my arm, I set my mobile on the kitchen table and took a deep breath in and let it out. Damien was wrong. I knew that he was wrong about Gavin - for he had never been like that even when he was in LA. 

_ Okay. Okay, Louis, just take a deep breath in. Go and order some food, walk and get it, and then go out and buy a shit ton of booze that won’t be worth the money but will help me black out the entire weekend so I don’t have to think about Damien, or work, or anything _ . 

**Hey, we should send out a tweet so we get to it before Damien does something rash - Louis**

**I’m already ahead of you on that. What do you think of this? - El**

My eyes read over the note that she sent me and I couldn’t have put it in better words. My eyes filled with tears as I realized that this was an end of an era. An end of an era for me and Eloise. It was an end of an era for me singular as well.

**Love you El. Thank you for the past 12 years - Louis**

**I will see you when you open the show in Chicago Lou. You can meet Dylan then (: - El**

**I can’t wait - Louis**

Saving the photo I attached it to a tweet and tagged Eloise in it, and then went on my way to pick up my food. Paying for my burrito and chips I thanked the lad behind the till and made my way back towards the flat, and made my way into the first liquor store that I spotted. 

“Hello,” the man behind the counter said. I smiled at him, grabbing a basket and began to fill it with bottles. I added beer, whiskey, vodka, some wine, I even added in some baileys for the coffee and tea I would make so I was always in a constant state of buzzed. “Having a party?” 

“Sure, we can do with that,” I told him as I handed over my driver's license to him and waited for him to ring out the bottles. He didn’t make any more comments until he told me my total, I passed over my credit card and once it was charged I took the box he put it all in and made my way back to the flat. I might die of alcohol poisoning at this point, but then Gavin wouldn’t have to deal with me, he could get Jeremy or Aaron to do the role, I mean they were more suited for it than I was. 

_ God, this is fucking Damien _ . I thought to myself with each step.  _ He got in your head again. He does this all the time, and over and over again you end up acting like a piece of shit so that you can get him to shut up. But not this time, you don’t have to do it this time. Just stop and think for yourself.  _ I said as I turned the corner and came up to my flat. 

_ “You know that you are better than this.”  _

I heard Harry’s voice in my head. 

Holding the box against my hip I used my left hand and unlocked the door and headed on in. I used my foot and shut the door behind me, turning I headed into the living room and set the box in the kitchen, and removed the bag of food and set that on the counter as I platted the food, and grabbed a beer from the box. 

_ “Do you need that, or are you using it as a way to ignore how you are feeling?”  _

“Go away, Harry,” I said out loud as I set the beer down, grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and made my way to the couch. Sitting down I began to pick at my food as my eyes looked at the box of bottles that was sitting on my kitchen table. “I spent all that money. I need to drink them.” 

_ “But do you?”  _ Harry’s voice asked me again and I knew that he was right. I didn’t need to but I wanted to. Or I thought that I wanted to. It was what Damien would want me to, but I would just rather sit at home with a proper cuppa and sit on my own, and just think and not be around anyone. 

Tossing the fork onto the plate I pushed myself up off the couch, marching into the kitchen I grabbed the box of bottles and set them next to the sink. Opening up the bottle of grey goose I turned it upside down and poured it out into the sink. As it dripped down the drain I pulled out another bottle and did the same. With every one of the bottles I dumped them out, my kitchen smelling like a proper kegger at a house if I had gone to Uni. Gathering the bottles up I put them next to the sink and looked at all the money I had literally flushed down the sink. 

“I hope you are happy, Harold,” I said out loud grabbing another bottle of water and making my way back to the couch. “He isn’t here. Stop talking to yourself, Louis,” I said to myself out loud. Just as I was about to sit down on the couch there was a knock on my door. I had no idea who it could be, I took a few steps and then my mind realized that it might be Gavin, no doubt he got a call and was coming to check in on me. Opening up the door there stood Harry. 

He was in a pair of black joggers, a t-shirt from a speech team from Uni, he had a jean shirt over it with the sleeves rolled up. In his hand was a plate with cookies piled high. He didn’t have a work bag and his eyes looked as if he had been looking at a computer for hours upon hours. His feet were clad with trainers that were, god, years old and I could see his sock from the toe area. He looked like a proper Uni kid in his final year and was stressed about finals. “Hello,” I said to him curious as to why he was standing there. 

“I have cookies,” he said as he held up the plate in his hand. “What?” He asked as his brow furrowed and he looked at me. 

“Did Gavin send you?” The words left before I could stop them and say “hey, do you want to come in. Thank you for the cookies.” 

Harry shook his head, “nope. I came due to the fact that if I ate all of these cookies that Cecilia made I should go into sugar shock and I would go from prediabetic to diabetic,” he joked with me and I wanted to laugh but wasn’t sure if it was appropriate. “Can I come in, it’s a bit chilly and I left my jacket in my car?” He asked as my body caught up with my mind. 

Moving out of the way, I ushered Harry in, he turned and headed into the living room while I shut and locked the door behind him. “You can set them on the coffee table next to the half eaten food,” I told him as he moved carefully. “Stay, I’ll make some tea and you can have some chips and guac,” I told him as I tried to recover from the dick comment just a few seconds ago. 

“Ta,” he said setting the cookies down on the table and followed me into the kitchen. 

“I’m assuming your mobile is set to send you notifications about me and you saw I broke up with Eloise?” I asked him as my bare feet hit the tile and I waked to the counter where my tea station was set up. I turned and looked at Harry, he didn’t want to lie but he also didn’t want to be  _ that guy _ who assumed I would be on a downward spiral because of it. “It’s okay if you are, I’m appreciative,” I told him as I filled the kettle. “Cups are in that one,” I said motioning with my head. 

“I did see the tweet, but I was planning on stopping by just to check and see how you were doing,” he told me as he grabbed the tea as well. “Gavin said to leave it but I’m me and I couldn’t.” 

I laughed. “Well,” I said putting the kettle on, it made its normal sound as it heated up, “I’m glad you came over.”

Harry smiled as his eyes scanned my kitchen, my heart dropped as he looked over at the collection of bottles. I watched as he got a bit tense. “I dumped them out if you must know,” I blurted out. I had never felt it necessary to tell anyone what I did or justify my actions but with Harry, I didn’t want him to see me as everyone else did, I wanted him to see me try and understand I wasn’t this creature everyone was afraid of. “I’m one hundred percent sober, FYI, and I plan to be one hundred percent sober until after the show is done.”

I couldn’t see his face, but Harry was looking at the bottles.

“So, I got off the phone with El and we were all good, and then Damien called, and that conversation left me angry and not knowing how to deal with emotions like an adult I decided to drink my liver to death,” I explained as he set down a bottle and turned towards me. “It’s what I was so used to doing that it was the easy thing to do. So I paid for them and the entire time there was this nagging voice telling me not to. I tried to ignore it and willed it to go away but when I opened a beer it was too much and I just dumped them all out.” 

“Well, that voice told you to do the right thing,” he said as he walked back over and set the tea bags into the cups, and walked to the fridge and grabbed the milk. 

“It was your voice,” I told him as he poured the milk. His face contorted a bit before he turned his head and looked at me. 

“What?” 

I nodded. “Yeah, your bloody voice told me to stop.”

Harry looked a bit shocked. “And you listened?” 

I nudged him, “oi, rude much?” 

A laugh escaped Harry’s lips as his face flushed. Opening my mouth to say something the kettle whistled startling both of us. I shook my head and pulled it off the base, and poured the water into the cups as we waited for the tea to steep.

“Did I interrupt your dinner?” Harry asked as my food was now cold on the plate. I hadn’t been that hungry and had gotten it out of life necessity to eat to live. 

I waved my hand in the air, “I couldn’t eat, do you want some?” 

Harry shook his head, “no, I had some leftovers from my mate’s girlfriend who made those,” he said as he motioned to the cookies. “Sugar?” 

“Yes,” I said as he removed the tea bags and tossed them into the bin before he found the sugar bowl, and dropped a spoonful in and then a half for me. “You know that I am okay,” I assured him as I took my tea and we made our way into the living room. “I know that I have said this before over and over but this time, there is no gimmicks. No jokes, it’s all true.” 

I know that he didn’t believe me, I wouldn’t have believed me either if I was him. He was looking on the outside of the relationship, the view we had set for everyone to watch and feel like they knew and understood. 

Harry set his mug on the coffee table before he toed off his shoes, setting them on the side of the couch he curled up into a small ball, his legs pulled up to his chest as his back rested on the arm of the couch and he looked at me. “But you two were together for 12 years. That is a long time to be, well, just okay with everything.” 

Opening up my mouth I wasn’t sure what to say. I took a deep breath in as the words to say what Eloise and I were floating around in my brain trying so hard to form a sentence that didn’t make me seem like a pig or that I used her. 

“Are you okay?” He asked me with a cocked head as he took a sip of his tea. 

I nodded, “it’s a complicated thing with Eloise and I.” 

“I have time,” he said as he took a sip of his tea. “ If you want to talk,” he offered with a smile. “If not, then that is okay as well.” 

I shook my head, “no, no I can tell it, if you want me to?” 

Harry nodded his head. 

“I’m sorry, I’m just not used to this,” I said as I moved my hand between the two of us. Harry’s eyes narrowed as he looked a bit confused I talked. “Someone listening, and caring.” His eyes grew sad and I knew that he was empathizing with me for it was a different way than what others did when they looked at me. “Where do you want me to start?” 

Harry shrugged, he folded his legs and sat up with his back pressed against the arm of the couch. “Where do you want to start at?” He asked me. I just stared at him blankly. Taking a deep breath in he decided to help start the heart to heart. “When did you start singing?”

“I was like 6,” I said giving my interview answer I had been trained to give. 

“Did you want to sing professionally?”

I laughed, “god, no. I sang for fun. My mum would always play the piano and when I was 4 she began to teach me how to play, and I just picked up being able to properly sing,” I explained to him. Adjusting in my seat, I took a sip of tea and tried to relax my nerves as I continued to tell Harry my story. “I would then play when my mum and the man who gave his sperm to create me would fight. Then when he finally left I would use the music to fill the silence and hard times my mum faced,” I said.

“It was an escape and I just happened to be relatively good at it.” It was odd talking about this, the only person who knew this story was Eloise and she had been sworn to secrecy since I told her when I was drunk. “I was never good at school, and when I was 15 I went to London with Phillip and mum and auditioned for fun for the X-Factor.”

“Seriously?!” 

I nodded, leaning over I grabbed a cookie and took a bite, “yeah and I got through. And I kept winning and getting through, and I came in second at the end. So from that my name was out there and this talent agency in LA sought me out for a series of teen movie musicals. My mum was pregnant with my sister at the time so my step dad came with me. I wasn’t sure what I wanted but I didn’t want to sit in a classroom, I was shite at footie so I just went for it. I also knew that I could save up money and send it back to mum and Phillip to put away for them.”

“They didn’t have a lot?”

“Phillip had just started his own medical practice so they were tight,” I admitted, they weren’t anymore, but I still sent money back for university funds for my sisters and brother.  “Also my mum had been working several jobs so I could have everything and I wanted to thank her,” I explained to him. “As cliche as that is - it’s true.”

“I think it’s beautiful.”

I felt my face flush. “So,” I went on continuing with my story. “When I signed up with the films I met my co-star which was a new young blonde-haired freckle-faced 16 year old girl named Eloise.” 

I could see her so clearly as she sat at the table, her big smile and wired eyed optimism was still there. I also didn’t feel alone as I walked in that room with her. I had someone who was in the same scary boat as I was. 

“We sat in a room and they watched us to see if we had a connection, and we did thankfully. But not in the way that they had hoped.”

“How so?”

“Sexually.”

Harry just nodded. 

“So, in order to make sure the movies sold we signed a 12 year relationship contract.” Harry’s jaw dropped. I was waiting for him to just get up and leave in disgust. “It was Damien’s idea and we were so young and had no idea what we were doing. Both had hoped we would be attracted but it was just a friendship bond.”

Harry said nothing. I watched as he set down his tea, he leaned forward, took my hand and gave it a squeeze. “I’m sorry.”

I was about to brush it off but stopped. “It sucked. I felt like I held her back and it hurt me, and well, it hurt her since Damien knew how he wanted to market me, and she lost jobs due to that,” I admitted. “But now she can grow and be all that I know she can be.”

“So you are honestly okay?”

I nodded.

“I’m glad,” he told me. “So, now for another question. Can you actually sing?!”

“Fook off!” I laughed flicking his arm. “Yes I can bloody sing.”

“Can you sing me something?”

“No.”

Harry’s head cocked. 

“I should have been in lessons but Damien said no. So I’ve been doing them for myself and I’m not ready.”

Harry’s head fell and the curls around his face hung there, and he looked like a small child who was just told that Father Christmas had died. 

“You look pathetic,” I laughed as I sat up on the couch and went through the rolodex of music in my brain to sing. Composing my thoughts I thought of my mum’s favorite song, my brain went over the lyrics in my head before I started to sing it. 

“Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly,” I sang with my eyes closed as I did my best to hit the notes. The music played in my head as I imagined myself sitting in the living room, my mum on the piano and me sitting on the floor. “All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise. Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these sunken eyes and learn to see,” the words just left my lips and my body was transported to another state as I was lost in the music. Something I hadn’t felt in a long while. “All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to be free. Blackbird fly, blackbird fly, into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird fly, blackbird fly, into the light of the dark black night. Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly. All your life,” I paused as I opened my eyes and saw Harry’s face. His eyes were wide and looked as if he was about to cry. “You were only waiting for this moment to arise,” I finished the song out. 

“Louis,” Harry’s voice cracked. “That was, god, that was beautiful.” 

I looked at him, I wasn’t sure if he was just stroking my ego or what. But the more I looked at him I realized that he was serious. “Really?”

“Yes,” he said wiping his eyes. “Gavin knew what he was doing.”

I laughed. 

“I’m not on the clock, so this is me telling you how I feel,” he joked with me as I just rolled my eyes. “Don’t second guess yourself, you are better than you give yourself credit for, Lou.”

“Lou?”

“Don’t be a git,” he laughed as his eyes looked at his mobile. “Sorry,” he flipped it over. 

“Boyfriend?”

His face turned red, “Jesus, no.”

“Booty call?”

“No,” he bit back a bit too quick. “Ex, but we are still friends.”

My brow arched. 

“Yes, it's a thing.”

“Okay, sure thing, Styles,” I laughed taking another cookie and his mobile buzzed again. “I’m already fat, I don’t need these,” I said with a mouthful of cookie. “So, any plans for the weekend?” I figured since he listened to me I wanted to listen and hear from him. 

“Getting my niece a birthday gift, hair cut, working on some edits and then a movie thing with some friends,” he said. “A bunch of busy work that I put off this entire week and needs to be done by Sunday.”

_ Noted.  _ I thought. 

“I don’t want to keep you,” Harry said as he took another sip of his tea. “I wasn’t sure if you had plans.”

I wanted to laugh, I just shook my head. “No, no plans. But I appreciate that you came to check in on me.” I told him as he finished off his tea and set it down. “I know I keep saying it, and then I keep, well,” pausing I searched for the right word. “Well I keep fucking up. But I’m sorry for my actions and lack of other actions. It will stop today.”

Standing up Harry turned and looked at me, his eyes soft and patient as his lips moved up into a smile. “I know, you just needed to get to that place of realizing you could change your fate.”

“Okay, Merida.”

His face looked fake shocked. “That is an amazing movie about female independence and feminism.” 

I pushed myself up off the couch and showed him out the door. “I agree, but she deserves the credit.” 

“Whatever,” he laughed. “Are you ever going to unpack?” Harry asked as he looked around the boxes pulled throughout the flat. “Or do you prefer the challenge?” 

“Everything of meaning is out. The boxes are just stuff I’ve collected and it’s sometimes easier in these kind of situations to keep them packed.” 

Harry nodded, as we reached the front door he leaned against the frame, “it’s okay to be a bit vulnerable.”

I smiled ignoring him.

Giving me his classic Harry smile he opened up the door and made his way towards his car. “See you Monday?”

“Make sure to bring coffee and breakfast,” I joked as I stood at the door and watched as he left back to his car. It was odd, talking with someone who didn’t judge me and wanted to listen. It was this new wave of freedom I felt. While El was able to be free with her relationship I was free with my inner emotions. 


	7. you like him.... i know

**harry**

 

Running my hand through my hair, I gave it a good shake to show it off to Gemma who was on the other side of my mobile screen, I moved the phone around to give her a good look at the new cut. “I figured that I needed to get it touched up and look more like I work on a pre-broadway show rather than a University student doing an unpaid internship,” I explained as she bounced Rosie up and down on her hip. “You are also rocking a new look,” I said as her once long hair was now in a lob and all in her natural brown like my hair. “No fun color?” I asked as she gave me a mocking smile. “What?”

“Nothing,” she shook her head as she looked to make sure there were no little ears listening to her. “I have just gone full mum with my hair,” she laughed as she walked over and set Rosie in her pack and play. I felt that my face gave her a confused look about her having mum hair now. She laughed, “it’s okay Harry, it’s true and it is something that I’m going to live with the rest of my life,” she told me as she ran her hands through her short lob. “All mums cut their hair short when they have a baby for it is easier to take care of.”

My eyes rolled at her stupid comment, “Are you sure that it’s not because you colored your hair and had to bleach the brown to blonde, and now you cut it to make it healthy,” I asked her as she smiled and I pushed my glasses up on my nose, and headed from the living room to the kitchen to get something to tide me over until I got something for lunch. “How is the party planning going?” I asked her and I saw her happiness drain from her face as she heard the word party and I felt so bad for her. “Sorry, I know that it’s a touchy subject.”

Pulling open up the fridge door I pulled out a Naked juice as Gemma began to explain the party planning horrors that she was facing with her mother in law.

“It’s complete and utter shite,” she told me as her voice was hushed so Isabella wouldn’t be able to hear her. “Seb’s mum is going way over the top with this whole event. She is turning one, she won’t remember any of this unless we show her videos and photos.” she explained to me as I could hear Isabella running above her as she made her way down the steps. “But no, we have to go all out and over the top and it’s just, god, it’s just useless and I want to tell her to stop, but when I try she goes into this whole sob story that she never got the ability to do this before and she wants to make sure that Rosie has everything.”

“What about Isabella?”

Gemma arched her brow and I knew that she was on the same wavelength as I was.

“God, she is something else,” I felt my blood boil as I thought about it. “Is there nothing you can do?”

Gemma just cocked her head and I knew that I was asking a silly question, and I already knew the answer to it as much as I wish that I didn’t. Opening up the Naked juice I took a sip as I heard the feet of Isabella running over me again. “Right, sorry, stupid question,” I said shaking my head.

“The worst part is that no one else in the family is like that when it comes to Issy or Rosie. They are sisters and that is that. But she has this stupid vendetta against his dead wife that she wasn’t worthy and then she takes that out on Isabella and it hurts me as her mum,” she explained as her head turned and I knew from the footsteps that Isabella was heading down the steps. “I will text you more of the details later after she is at dance and I get my work done before we have family night,” she told me as I saw a head of blonde ringlet curls run from the bottom of the steps towards me and Seb following behind shaking his head at their daughter.

“Shoes and jacket before you talk to Uncle Harry for a few seconds, we have to go and get Meredith still,” Seb said as Isabella stopped in her tracks and headed to the hall closet to get her shoes and jacket on. “Hey, Harry,” Seb said with a wave.

“Hey, Seb,” I said with a smile back.

“Oh,” Gemma said as she turned the camera back to her, “how did the talk go with Louis? You never texted me after ‘I’m going in’.” She asked me.

“Good,” I told her not sure how else to put it for it was good. I had talked with Niall for a bit when I had gotten home for I wasn’t sure how to process it all. It was like I had talked with a different person and it was hard to understand and wrap my head around the difference that Louis had. I also felt like a tit for judging him like I did when I realized from talking with him most of his issues were from Damien, while not all of them were, his actions had moved Louis in certain ways and that is why he lashed out the way he did. “It was good,” I said as she gave me a sceptical look as Isabella ran over to her and began to jump up and down so I would see her curls bouncing as she tried to look into the camera.

“Hold the camera, darling, I will do her hair while you talk with Uncle Harry,” Gemma told Isabella as she took the phone and held it close to her face.

“How is my dancer?” I asked as she flashed me a big smile. “That good?”

“We are dancing to a song from the movie _The Greatest Showman_ and I told everyone in my class that my uncle was working on the live people musical,” she said to me as Gemma ran her hands through her hair, pulling it back so it was smooth on top before twisting it into a bun. “After dance dad is going to bring me and Meredith to get some lunch so mom has a few extra moments to finish up her work, and then we are going to go shopping and have a nice dinner, and then build a fort and watch a movie when Rosie goes down to sleep,” she explained to me as her face winced as Gemma hit a tangle. “She is too little to watch a movie or she would be sitting next to me and watching it.”

“I’m sure that once she is older she will love sitting next to you as you both watch movies in your tent you make,” I assured her with a smile.

“Mom also has to work on stuff for Rosie’s party that grandma has gone mental on,” she said and I knew she had heard Gemma say that phrase. “Grandma wants to show Rosie off for she likes her better as her granddaughter.”

“Isabella!” Seb yelled as she turned around and the mobile dropped to her side.

“Oi!” I heard my sister yell and I knew that they didn’t want her to feel this way, but she wasn’t dumb, she knew.

“It’s true,” she said as she moved the mobile back up to her face. Gemma looked ashamed as she finished off her bun and Seb held the bridge of his nose, not sure what else to say. “I’m not stupid. It’s okay. I have Uncle Harry.”

Thinking on my feet I smiled at her, “you sure as heck do, and you have your mum, dad, Rosie, Grandpa and Uncle Nialler.” With the mention of Niall’s name her face turned into a smile and I knew that she would soon forget about the comment she made about her grandmother. “Plus, when the party's boring because adults are boring, you can show me and Uncle Niall your kick butt dances you have been learning in your class.”

“Deal!” she called out with a thumbs up with her free hand. “I have to go, I love you, Uncle Harry. Miss you, tell Uncle Niall I said hi!” she said as she kissed the mobile screen before she handed it back to Gemma, she gave her a hug before leaving with Seb to get to dance class. “Bye!”

“Bye!” I called out with a wave. “See you, Seb.”

“Have a good Saturday, Harry,” he told me as Gemma moved the phone back to her. She waited for the door to shut before she opened her mouth to talk ill about her mother in law. I gave her props, even with her being the wicked witch of the west she never would have said anything too bad in front of Isabella since that was her grandmother and she didn’t want her to hate her because of what she thought about her. As Gemma opened her mouth there was a knock on my front door.

My head turned and I looked by the door, Niall’s keys were gone from the hook so he didn’t leave them before he went to his Rugby match with Liam. “Hey,” I said as there was another knock. “I have to go, there is someone at the door,” I said as I made my way from the kitchen towards the front door. “I love you all lots, if you need anything from me for the party let me know and Niall and I can do it when we get there, or if you need me to order shit from Amazon I can do that too and have it sent to you.”

Gemma laughed as she blew me a kiss. “Love ya, baby brother.”

“I’m two minutes younger than you - calm yourself,” I told her with a smile as there was another knock. Setting my juice on the table I moved over the wood floors towards the door. “Namaste.”

“Goodbye, you loser,” Gemma said.

Sticking up my middle finger, Gemma hung up the FaceTime call. Locking my mobile, I slipped it into my back pocket as I reached the door. “I’m coming,” I called out as I unlocked the door not checking who it was, but hoping that it wasn’t a serial killer. As my hand turned the knob on the door and I opened it up towards me I stopped as I saw Louis standing there. I was stunned to see him there, but more than that he was dressed in a jean button down shirt, black skinny jeans and a pair of lace up vans. His hair was washed, combed and styled to the side. In his hand was a string of several balloons that had the words _I’m sorry_ and _Will you forgive me_ and _It won’t happen again_. In the other hand was a large cake from Nothing Bundt Cakes along with a card.

“Hey,” he said as I stood there not sure how to add to this. “So, since you are in a state of shock I guess I will talk,” he told me as I stood there, the words not able to come out of my mouth. “I spoke to two very wise women and they brought it to my attention that I have been an arrogant, a bit of a dick, rude, vile, stuck up when I have no right to be that way for I am nothing when it comes to anything in my life,” He explained to me. “And most of those things I was to you and I would lash out on you for how I was feeling due to work and other issues going on when it came to my own insecurities for feeling that I had no control in my life and that I was grabbing the thin air.”

I nodded my head.

“So, I’m sorry and I wanted to show it, and to tell you and to honestly, just eat crow,” he said again as I looked up and down as I finally began to process it all. “So,” Louis said with a smile, “I have balloons,” he held them up as he stood in the hallway. “I also have this cake thing that I asked Laura about and she said this was your favorite.”

Laughing, I just shook my head and moved out and had Louis walk into the house. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I don’t know either, I just,” Louis set the items down on the kitchen table and turned to me. “I am sorry, Harry, and I’ve said it over and over and over again, and I have fucked up over and over again so this is more than a peace offering,” he told me as he stood there. “I haven’t always been like this and I’m sorry that I have lashed out in frustration towards you and everyone in the show. I feel like I should go to each of their doors and tell them that I am sorry and give them a fruit basket.”

“That would be a bit expensive,” I admitted to him.

“Yes, but I realized that if I start with you and then that would trickle down,” he told me. “So today, Saturday, I am going to start off on the right foot, I’ve gotten patches so I don’t smoke anymore. I have given up alcohol until the show is over since I have a tendency to go overboard like a Uni frat boy,” he admitted as I laughed a bit. “I have hired a vocal coach to work with me. I am changing my diet and we are going running.”

“We?”

Louis nodded his head as he held up his gym bag. “Yes, you can suffer with me since no one likes running for it was created by the devil and misery loves company.”

“You are lucky I like you as a human and am willing to go running,” I told him as Louis just flashed me a smile like I knew he would do to get out of anything bad. “You can use the toilet up the steps to change, I’m going to put the cake in the fridge and then change.”

Louis nodded his head as he headed on up the steps, taking them two at a time. “Harry,” he stopped as he reached the top of his loft. Turning around I looked up at him, “thank you for giving me another chance. I promise I won’t let you down this time.”

“I know you won’t,” I told him with a small smile. “Now go and get changed for I’m going to kill you with this run we are about to do,” I laughed as I realized I too would probably end up dead on the ground after this run.

 

***

 

My body was spread out on the oversized armchair while Louis was curled up into a small ball on the side of the couch closest to me. We had survived the run, Louis barely and I had to carry him to the elevator and into the flat as well as up the steps for him to shower. But he was a good sport, and seemed pleased that he had made it as far as he did. I helped drag Louis’ limp body up to the shower and allowed him to use most of the hot water as his muscles came back to life, he looked like a new man and he was smart to have brought yet another change of clothes. While I was in the shower I had rummaged through the drawers in my kitchen and found the menu for the chinese restaurant near me and ordered the entire restaurant and had it delivered for us. We had turned the coffee table into our own buffett and I slowly ate my way through as did Louis.

While we sat in the living room we had talked about the show, and I shared with him some ideas that I had for marketing for the show. Louis talked to me about a few of the movies he did and how bad they were from his point of view, and how the fans loved them. He opened up a bit more about his family, which I learned he had a million siblings, and talked about home and how he hadn’t been there since he was 17 years old. We talked about music, movies, and places we had traveled. With each story I felt my heart fluttering and I knew that I was getting in to deep with this crush on Louis, but I didn’t want to stop this crush. I enjoyed seeing Louis. He allowed the facade that Damien had cultivated to just crumble with me and the human who sat across from me was a man who was more intelligent than he thought. He had an infectious spirit, a big and compassionate heart and this incredible drive to do better.  It boggled my mind that a man would want to and be able to crush Louis the way that he did - I also wanted to punch him if I ever met him for being so cruel and manipulative.

“So,” Louis said as he moved his eggroll in the sweet and sour sauce on his plate, “why New York? If your dad is in Chicago and your sister is in Seattle, why on the other side of the country from them?”

My feet moved up and down as they hung over the arm of the chair, it was a fair question. I was close with my father and sister but yet we all lived at least a three hour flight away if not more to see each other. “To be honest, it was a pipe dream of mine, Niall’s and Liam’s.

Louis looked a bit shocked. “Really?”

I nodded as I scooped up some rice onto my spoon. “I grew up in Chicago with Niall and Gemma so to me living in the city was just a normal thing to do,” I explained to him. “I spent several summers with my grandmother in Cheshire, we were supposed to spend a summer in Canada for fun but my mother decided to leave my father so he shipped me and Gemma to Cheshire and we went back two more summers after that as the divorce was getting finalized,” I told him as I pushed back the thoughts of those summers and while I loved them, I hated them all at the same time. “But, the last summer spent in York we rented a flat in London for the summer and got to experience life in the heart of London. So the next place that I wanted to live was New York.”

“Three summers?”

“Yep,” I said as I looked down at my food and then looked back up at Louis, “the first summer was when she decided to leave and give up her rights as a mum,” I said as I saw his eyes grew wide and his heart dropped. “The second summer was when the divorce was in full swing, my father was off of work and he didn’t want us to be caught in her crossfire, and the last summer we went there due to events that happened that previous year and we didn’t want to be around her ever again,” I explained to him with a small smile as I took a bite of rice. “When we met Liam whilst in Uni the three of us had this dream that when we graduated we would move to New York City. Once we got our diplomas we all worked three jobs that summer, saved all our money and then packed our two cars up and drove from Chicago to New York, and rented out a one bedroom flat and lived the dream,” I said proud of how I got to where I was.

“Wow.”

I nodded. “My sister moved to Seattle that summer to do an internship where she met her now husband. My father downsized to a three bedroom townhome when I left and he still teaches.”

“That makes sense now,” Louis told me as he pointed his fork at me. “You have that aura.”

“What aura?”

“You are patient, you see the best in everyone and you have a way of changing your way of teaching to help the person you are trying to teach,” he told me with a smile. “You didn’t want to be a teacher?”

I shrugged popping a sweet and sour chicken into my mouth, “I have debated about going back to get my masters and then go and teach but I have so much debt as it is that I can’t justify going back only to be in more debt.”

“At least you have an education,” Louis said to me.

I had made the assumption that Louis never finished his A-Levels from what he has told me about moving to LA when he was 16. I didn’t want to prejudge him or have him think that I thought lesser of him because he wasn’t ‘educated’ in the way that society makes everyone feel they should be. “School isn’t for everyone.”

Shrugging, Louis leaned over towards the coffee table that was our own personal chinese buffet, “no, I was rubbish at it. But, I mean it would be nice to have at least my, what do they call it here, GED?”

Nodding, I held out my plate and Louis added more mongolian beef to it. “Why don’t you?”

His eyes widened as he choked and looked at me as if I was foaming at the mouth and my head was spinning around on my neck.

“What?”

Shaking his head he leaned back onto the couch and down at his plate, “sorry, I’m not used to having people say things like that and believe in me. Like actually believe in me.”

_Shit_.

“Sorry, I don’t want to sound like an emo preteen.”

“No, no, no, no,” I said as I shook my head and set my plate on the coffee table, pushing it so it wouldn’t fall off some of the containers bumped up against each other. “I’m sorry that you had to deal with someone like that,” reaching over I placed my hand on Louis’ knee and gave it a squeeze. “Whatever he told you to make you feel like shite, it’s not true. He is just a petty, petty man who gets off by making people around him feel small.” I saw a smirk on Louis’ lips as he looked up from the plate and at me. “Not to get too serious and bring the mood down, but you are smarter than you think, more talented than you believe, and actually have a heart so don’t let what people write about you make you think differently about yourself, or Damien.”

Louis laughed as he looked at me, his eyes grew wide as he looked at me. “You could be a motivational speaker.”

“Oi, you tosser,” I told him as I sat back into the chair and picked up my plate of food. “But, you should look into it, and do it. Give yourself another win and tell the world to fuck off.”

“Cheers to that,” Louis said as he held up his water in the air. “Do people not think I can sing?”

I stopped mid bite as I looked at Louis. I knew he could sing, Gavin knew and I’m sure that Laura was giving him the benefit of the doubt but the rest of the cast… I wasn’t sure if they had faith in Louis like the few of us have.

“Sorry, random I know,” he said as he shook his head. “I just assumed since you didn’t know I could sing until yesterday that the rest of the cast doesn’t think I can sing based on previous track record of being a shit team player.”

“Gavin knows,” I assured him but I know that wasn’t going to be the best thing but it was all that I had. “I know,” I told him as I smiled. “If they don’t they will be in for a surprise Monday.”

“True,” Louis told me with a small smile. “I think that we just ruined the run by the amount of food we ate,” he said as his eyes looked at the empty containers. “But it was so worth it.”

“Amen,” I told him as I finished off the little bit of food left, set my plate back on the coffee table and began to package up the food that was left to shove in the fridge, and make some tea since I was British, and because I wasn’t sure what else to do since I wanted to pin Louis to the couch and snog him. “Thank you again for all of the food, you didn’t have to pay for it all, Lou.”

“Yes, yes I did,” he told me as he just shook his head as he helped me pack it all up. “I owed this for not only giving you the brunt of my issues and attitude, but I wanted to. Just, genuinely wanted to.”

“Stop,” I told him as I stood up and turned away from him so he didn’t see my face turn bright red from his compliment. My feet moved over the hardwood floors and into the worn kitchen tile. With a simple pull of the door of the fridge Louis was right behind me handing me the rest of the food that he had put back in the plastic bags. My mouth was about to open to speak to Louis when the front door opened and Niall walked in with Liam and Kate behind him. All their arms were filled with chairs, blankets and no doubt a bag full of beer and cider.

I watched Niall’s eyes grow wide and a horrible smile spread across his face as his eyes turned to look at Louis and then back at me. “The famous Louis Tomlinson,” He said as he set the chairs in his arms down and walked over to Louis to shake his hand. “Flatmate and boyfriend of the girl who makes your breakfasts,” he told him and then realized he never said his name, “name is Niall.”

Louis shook his head and looked at me not sure how to handle Niall being, well, Niall. “Cheers, mate.”

_Safe answer_ I thought to myself as Liam was up next.

“Liam,” He said as he waved from the door. “Fiance Kate.”

“Hello,” she said in her cheery tone as they set everything in their hands down. “No talk of rugby until we are done having fun tonight,” she said to Liam with a stern look on her face and pointed at him.

“Fine…” he said as his head hung down and he walked over towards us. “What have you two been up to today?”

“Got my haircut, got my niece her gift,” I said as I saw Louis heading towards the couch to collect his stuff and leave. “Lou came over and we went for a run, and worked on his breathing and singing for the show, and then we had lunch and just hung out,” my mind trailed behind as I watched Louis try and sneak away but I knew it wasn’t going to be easy now that Niall was home for he had eyes like a hawk, and was convinced that Louis was interested in me and I was just being an idiot.

“Ta,” Louis said as he picked up his rucksack.

“Where are you going?” Niall asked him as Louis paused as if he was a deer in headlights. “You don’t need to leave due to us, we were all heading out in a bit anyway - oh,” he said as I saw a lightbulb go off over the top of his head. “Why don’t you join us?”

_God, why didn’t I think of this?_ I asked myself and then I realized, I had completely forgotten about the plans that I had with everyone. I was so enchanted with Louis and spending time with him that everything else seemed to just escape my mind. Now it made it seem like I didn’t want him to come with us and that this was a pity invite, and I was going to be back to square one with him and me. _Stupid Harry, stupid, stupid Harry_ I said as I beat myself up in my head.

“We are going to the park to see _Return of the Jedi_ with a live orchestra,” I told him before Niall could talk. “I forgot that it was today.”

“I’m sure that he did,” I heard Liam say not so quietly under his breath.

I shot Liam daggers from my eyes as I turned back towards Louis. “Come, it will be fun,” I said to him trying to make sure I didn’t sound like I was begging him but in reality I was for I did want him there. “Cecilia is making a bunch of snacks, plus those two,” I said as I pointed to Liam and Kate, “and then him and Cecilia,” I said as I pointed to Niall. “They are going to just snog all though the film and then I will be that weird fifth wheel and it will just get awkward.”

Liam gasped and put his hand on his chest as if he was shocked by the truth I told Louis. They would, Liam and Kate were more forward about it than Cecilia and Niall. Louis looked at them and I saw him fight the urge to laugh as I knew that he had been in that situation before.

“I don’t want to impose,” he said and I wasn’t sure if he was saying that for he wanted to leave and not join us, or if he was saying it to be nice but truly he wanted to join us.

“Rubbish!” Niall told him. “It will be fun, and you can keep Harry company since we apparently don’t,” he said as he rolled his eyes but I knew his tone, and I knew that was itching to get me and Louis together in that kind of situation.

Louis looked back towards me and cocked his head.

“Oh shut the fuck up,” I said rolling my eyes at Niall as I turned to Louis, “you are coming, you have no choice,” laughing I headed towards the steps up to my bedroom. “I’m going to get some jeans on and grab a jacket,” I said to them as Louis set his rucksack down. “Do you want to look and find a jumper?” I asked him not sure that I wanted to leave him alone with Niall and Liam just yet, they were still unpredictable since neither of them would listen to me when I told them that I was over my crush on Louis and that nothing could ever happen.

They were smart not to believe me. I didn’t even believe myself.

Louis nodded his head, “sure, I need to pack my running clothes anyway,” he told me as he took the steps two by two until we got into my bedroom. Louis pulled his clothes off the hangers on the drying rack that was in the corner by my computer.

“Jacket or hoodie?” I asked Louis as I tossed my black skinny jeans onto my bed.

Pausing, Louis looked up from when he was shoving his clothes into his gym bag, “Hoodie is good for me,” he said as he zipped up the bag. “You didn’t need to invite me if you didn’t want to,” he said as I handed over the hoodie and just rolled my eyes at him as I turned back to my closet and tossed my jean jacket next to my trousers. “What is that look for you?” he asked me as I stepped closer to my bed to get dressed.

“I want you to come,” I assured him. “Plus, I don’t need you to be a creepy old man who is a shut in unless he has work.”

Louis gasped when I called him old. “Me. A shut in?”

“I know, I’m not sure where I got that from,” I laughed as I slipped out of my joggers and into my jeans. “We can stop by a store and grab some soda or water so you aren’t dying of thirst,” I told him since I know that he told me that he wasn’t going to drink and I wasn’t either with him in solidarity.

“You can drink.”

Waving my hand in the air I shrugged on my jacket as I grabbed my black ankle boots from the floor of my closet and headed on out of the bedroom with Louis. “I know, but I’m not feeling it,” I said with a shy smile as we headed on down. As we got back down to the living room Niall had packed a few things from our house and grabbed the extra lawn chair. “We need to make a pit stop and grab some soda and water,” I said as I grabbed my wallet and keys.

“I’ve got some flavored water,” Kate said as she looked up from the couch. “We have a bunch at home from when my family was out visiting and while I love wine, I don’t need to be drunk Sunday when we meet with the officiant for our wedding.”

Part of me wanted to see Liam drunk when he met their officiant but I was never going to admit that to him. At least, not to him or Kate. I grabbed some bags from Kate while Louis grabbed some blankets from Niall as we headed towards my car. We weren’t going to attempt to walk the 40 minutes carrying everything that we had, plus we had to get our tickets still, find a spot and meet up with Cecilia who was coming after a cousin’s baby shower. Once the boot of the car was packed we piled into the car and we headed on our way to the show. Niall had given up his shotgun seat to Louis and forced Liam to sit bitch. As we drove Niall and Liam kept us entertained as Louis laughed and seemed to be enjoying his time with everyone. I had never seen him smile as much as he had the past two days and while I wanted to just tell everyone how happy Louis was, I didn’t want anyone else to know and I wanted it just to be our moment right here and right now.

_Settle yourself, Harry_ I told myself as I moved in the seat as I felt my trousers get a bit tighter in areas. _Fuck. Puppies dying. Walking in on Gemma and Seb having sex. Seeing a child come out of a vagina. Puppies dying. Puppies dying. Puppies dying._

“What did you get Rosie?” Niall asked me as I turned into the parking lot to the park.

“Gem wanted books for her - but since her crazy mother in law sent out the invites there was a list of very expensive toys which I didn’t get,” I laughed as I pulled into the first spot that I could find and put the car into park. “I got her a bunch of books that are being mailed to Gemma from Amazon and I will wrap them when I get there. I also got her a few outfits with nerdy shirts and pro-feminine shirts because, what kind of funkle would I be if I didn’t?”

“Funkle?” Louis asked as we all piled out of the car and headed towards the boot.

Niall let out a long and loud sigh of frustration. “Harry is convinced that he will never have kids and will forever be the fun uncle - or funkle as he likes to call himself. While one part of that statement is true, the one of him never having kids is false.”

“Why wouldn’t you have kids?”

I wanted to laugh, Louis was so naive and had no idea how rubbish I was when it came to dating. “I don’t have the best track record with any relationship.”

“Well, booty calls aren’t relationships,” Niall told me as he unpacked the boot. “Don’t even give me a look, you know I’m right so hush your face!” he said pointing at me. “Now pick up some stuff and we will head in to get our tickets.” Locking the car, I grabbed a chair and handed one to Louis as he walked ahead of everyone towards the ticket booth. “Ce is waiting for us at the front,” Niall said to all of us as we trudged with others from their cars to the park.

“I think it’s amazing that you want kids,” Louis told me quietly as Liam and Niall spoke behind us. Our shoes moved over the gravel in the parking lot. “Fun fact; I’ve always wanted to have kids as well.”

I had to stop myself from reacting in a way that would have Niall and Liam asking what Louis had told me. I stopped my eyes from growing wide, my mouth dropping and my sputtering like an idiot to draw attention to us. “Yeah?”

Louis nodded his head. “I think it’s due to the fact that I have so many siblings,” he joked with me. “So, I’m assuming that Niall doesn't like that Benji dude?” Rolling my eyes I shoved Louis as he stumbled and then shoved me back. “So that is a yes,” Louis laughed as we got to the main gates.

“I hate you.”

“I hate me too,” He laughed as my eyes found Cecilia. “Ce!” I called out as we all headed over to her as she lifted her head from her mobile. She looked as if seeing us took a weight off of her shoulders. “That bad?” I asked her as her eyes rolled and she shoved her mobile into her purse.

“You have no idea,” she told me as she gave me a hug before Niall scooped her up and spun her around and kissed her on the tip of her nose. “Yeah?” she laughed as her flats hit the ground and she greeted Liam and Kate.

“Louis is here,” Niall told Cecilia to turn her bad day into a better one but also to allow him to tell her before I could. I wanted to just punch him in the throat for being such a prick. Cecilia’s eyes grew wide as she spun around trying to find him. At this point I had showed them his social media so they knew what he looked like.

“Where?” she asked now thinking that Niall was lying to her. I spun around worried that he was missing and he ran away so he didn’t have to spend time with my crazy friends who were questioning him like he was being interrogated by the FBI. “Are you fucking with me, Niall?” she asked a bit upset. “Is he lying?” she asked me as I shook my head no, because I knew that he was here, I just had no idea at this point. Squinting behind my glasses I looked and saw Louis walking back from the ticket booth. _I’m going to kill him_ I thought as he smiled as he rejoined us. “Louis,” he said as he held out his hand and shook Cecilia’s. “I’m not sure if Harry has said thank you for me, but thanks for the breakfast sandwiches, they are the best part of my morning.”

Pulling my head back I looked at him as he flashed me an evil smirk.

“I got us the tickets,” Louis said as he handed them out. “I upgraded and got us a place under the awning,” he explained to them as I took my ticket and he grabbed Cecilia’s bag. Her eyes grew wide as she looked at me and I just shrugged. Turning on our heels we headed on in, showing our ticket we made our way to the specific space that Louis had gotten us so we had a small table for our foot as well. We all started to set up, while we got the chairs placed and the blanket down Cecilia and Kate began to set up the food and drinks.

“Hey,” I said to Louis as we put the spikes in the ground so the blanket wouldn’t move. “Thanks for tickets.”

“You are welcome,” He told me with a smile as he stood up and held out his hand. Grabbing it, he pulled me up to my feet. “I know that I didn’t have to - but I wanted to.”

I nodded.

“What?”

“Nothing,” I told him with a smile as I grabbed a can of flavored water and handed it to Louis, and grabbed one for myself as well. Once the plates of food were made, and we all took our seats. Louis sat down on the beach chair as I sat with my back against the arm so my head came to where his knee was. “I hope that you like _Star Wars,_ ” I said to Louis as I nudged his knee.

“Little fact,” Louis said as he leaned forward and rolled up his jeans and down his sock to show off his millennium falcon tattoo on his ankle. “I’m a nerd when it comes to this stuff.”

I felt my eyes grow wide as everyone hushed as the crescendo of the music and the film began. Louis gave me a wink as he pulled up his sock and tugged his pant leg down. At this point Louis knew that I was a proper nerd from my many references and such to shows that don’t attract the mass population, and it was nice to be able to see his inner nerd coming out, as well as to just see Louis emerging from the shell. I had seen this film more times than I would like to admit, and from Louis’ tattoo I was assuming that he was in the same boat as I was in with the film. As the film went on scene by scene my eyes would wander over to Louis and I would catch him mouthing the lines and changing his body posture depending on what character was on the screen. As I finished off the plate of food I set it under Louis’ chair and I leaned closer to his leg as I could see the film better, but to my shock Louis didn’t pull away, I felt that he pushed his leg closer to me as if he wanted me to lean my head on his knee as he sat in the chair. It took about halfway through the film before I heard Liam and Kate start to snog - being that they aren’t children they weren’t loud and obnoxious about it but there was some giggles and their attention was far gone from the film. A few times I felt Louis fiddling with my hair as he sat there. Niall and Cecilia were the next ones to go, but it was more than Niall passed out from his morning playing rugby.

“Is Niall snoring?” I felt Louis’ warm breath on my neck as I felt a shiver go down my spine. My head turned and I wanted to poke him in his side and watch him jolt awake, but I was going to be nice and let him sleep.

“Yeah, he is knackered from this morning,” I explained to him as I turned back towards Louis. “But he will be nice and awake tonight when we get home which will be annoying when I want to sleep.”

Louis laughed as he shook his head. “He is like a child.”

“He is, and I’m glad that you have realized this now - most people don’t,” I joked with him as I turned my attention back to the film as it came towards the end of it.

“Can I let my nerd show?” Louis whispered again as I turned and nodded my head as this evil smile spread across his face. He slid down off the chair and next to me, his shoulder pressed up against mine as he leaned in close to me. “So, random fact/fun fact,” he said as he made the slash mark with his hand. “Lucas wanted the film to end differently,” he told me as we came toward the ending of the film.

“No?” I asked truly unaware of this information.

Nodding, he looked at me like a child, “he wanted Luke to watch Vader die and then he would take off the mask and put it on and say, “now I am Vader.”

My head turned, my face inches away from Louis’ face, “You aren’t winding me up?”

Louis shook his head, “nope, 100 percent honest,” he told me with a smile as he pointed to the side of his head, “I have a lot of those nuggets of facts in my head.”

“Well, I know who to take to a pub quiz next time,” I joked with him as he leaned close to me as we finished watching the rest of the film, our attention on the film as it felt nice to forget about my crush for a hot second. As the music came to the end and the credits rolled Niall jolted awake and looked around pretending that he wasn’t asleep for the latter part of the film.

“It’s over?” Niall asked as we all laughed and shook our heads at him.

Packing up our food, blankets and chairs we filled our arms and made our way back towards the car. Even though we had eaten the food that Cecilia made my stomach let out a loud noise to let everyone know that I was still starving. Once the boot of the car was packed, we all piled in and headed back towards the flat. When we got there we headed on our way to Cecilia’s. Everything was locked up for the evening, but in true fashion on a night out we headed to her cafe, turned on the stove as Louis began to make us a proper English breakfast.

“Cecilia has cooked me enough food, I want to show her my chops,” He said as he shooed her out of the kitchen along with Kate, Liam, Niall, and even myself. “Now, you get what you get and no back talk,” he called out from the back of the kitchen as we all sat down at the counter and watched as he hummed in the back and cooked. Turning to Cecilia, I was shocked that she let him into her kitchen like that but she had the same devilish smile on her face that Niall did whenever I mentioned Louis or they brought him up.

“So are you going to date him?” Kate asked me as Cecilia poured us coffee and handed us milk and sugar. I just rolled my eyes and added the milk into my coffee and stirred it trying to ignore her comment. “Did I say something wrong?” She asked as she looked at everyone.

“He is,” Niall said as he held up his hand and used air quotes, “‘straight’ or so that’s what Harry tells us,” he told her as I poked him in his side. “What?”

“Stop,” I said to him under my breath as I took a sip of the coffee. “Where did you learn to cook?”

Looking up from the stove he looked at me through the opening, “my mum, she would always make a proper English breakfast no matter how crappy it was for us,” I explained to them. “I also learned when I was missing home growing up.”

“You can come over and do this whenever you want,” Niall said as he held up his coffee mug. “Harry only does it for my day of birth.”

“Oi!” I yelled at him as he snickered and drank his coffee.

In several minutes Louis came out with plated food for us. My eyes grew wide as I looked down at my plate and realized that he was a good cook and the bacon was cooked to perfection. He joined us and we talked about life, Kate and Liam updated us on wedding plans. Cecilia talked about family drama in the best way, and Niall talked to us about work. We talked about Seattle and with each word I felt that Louis was just hanging on every word and was just enjoying time with people, not drunk or high, or in a club where you can get tetanus from peeing in the loo.

As the hours ticked by Liam and Kate bid us adieu and headed home. I helped Louis clean up the kitchen as Niall brought the stuff up to Ce’s flat and we gave her a hug and kiss goodbye as we left and she locked up the cafe.

As we walked to my car, I saw Louis was on his mobile, “whatcha doin?”

“Seeing how much an Uber is.”

“Why?” I asked before I could stop myself. “I mean, do you want to just crash on the couch? Wake up and we can get some coffee in the morning?”

Locking his phone Louis slid it into his back pocket as we got to the car, “yeah, that actually sounds nice.”

The drive home was quick, we unpacked the car and made it up to the flat. I quickly got him some blankets and a pillow, getting him situated I paused as I was about to go in and kiss him goodnight.

_Stop it, Styles._

“See you in the morning Lou,” I said as I walked up the steps to the loft area.

“Thanks for today, Harold. It was honestly the best day I’ve had so far in New York,” he told me as my heart stopped. I was excited to hear that but it hurt my heart knowing that I could have had him joining us earlier but I was so blinded by his behavior. “Don’t mean to sound like a cheesy Hallmark Card but it’s true, and I’ve enjoyed it, and your mates, and just - it’s like a proper night with mates and I haven’t had this in a long ass time.”

“Well, you are invited anytime, Lou,” I told him as I moved backwards up the steps. “Sleep well, and I’ll see you in the morning.”

As I reached the loft I headed into my bedroom, shutting the door I felt my mobile buzz. Confused I pulled it out and saw it was from Niall and that could only mean one thing.

**Have you two snogged yet- Niall**

**No. He is straight - H**

**Are you saying this for fear you might like him and be able to have a relationship or you actually know this for a fact - Niall**

**Goodnight Niall - H**

**Night Harry. Sweet dreams about snogging Louis - Niall**


	8. song & dance man

**louis**

 

Monday.

Singing day.

The day I get to sing in front of everyone. I wasn’t nervous. Nope. Just vomited twice from nerves but other than that I’m good.

Yep. Totally fine.

I wasn’t fine - who the fook was I kidding?! The weekend with Harry had been a great way to distract me from all stress of having to sing in front of people again. Live. It had been longer than I wanted to admit that I had sung in public for a large group of people. And it wasn’t just the core group. Nope. It was EVERY-FOOKING-PERSON.

_ Stop, this is Damien. If Harold believes in you than you can do this. Yep. Even if you mess up - it’s okay. I’m human and to err is human. Right, that’s a thing, right? _

Taking a deep breath in I shook out the bad energy. It was just singing, I can sing, I can dance, I just need to get back to doing this. It’s like riding a bicycle and getting back on a horse.

_ Jesus, I hope it’s like that _ . I thought as my eyes were glazed over and looked out the car window. I hadn’t slept due to nerves and had more caffeine in the past two hours than I’ve had in an entire week. I felt my hands shaking from the caffeine. I looked like a druggie but my drug was caffeine. 

“You okay?” Harry asked as we pulled up to the studio and he turned towards me. I had greeted him when I got into the car but the rest of the ride was me silent and his  _ Lovett or Leave It  _ podcast was on. My mind first panicked - I didn’t want him to think I was mad but the look on his face was one of concern and not anger. “You have been quiet the entire trip and not in a brooding way, more in an anxious way.”

I flashed a fake but hopefully real looking smile at him as I unlatched my safety belt. “Nerves. But they are the good kind of nerves if that makes any kind of sense to you,” I said to him as his brow arched from behind his glasses. “I am fine,” I assured him for I was in a sense. I was fine and I knew that I should feel this way. It made me feel alive and like a child again, like I can conquer anything and everything the world throws at me. “I need to let myself be uncomfortable and push myself to do great things.”

I was about to get out of the car when Harry’s hand rested on mine and he gave it a squeeze. This time the smile on my face was genuine and he saw that. As quickly as his hand was on mine it was also off and he got out of the car. Taking that as my cue I opened up the door, grabbed my rucksack from the floor and headed on in after him. As we walked I felt a bit more confident, confident in the way that I knew that I could sing and sing more than those rubbish teeny bopper films that were just for money and had no substance behind them whatsoever. I felt like I belonged here finally and deserved to be sitting next to Laura and Keala and everyone else.

As soon as we stepped into the studio it felt different. There were chairs organized and sectioned off for everyone to sit, I saw the ensemble mainly settled in. Next to them was your P.T and Charity, and then the main cast who sings. They had Meryl behind the piano and they were setting up for us all to sing all day long. My heart began to race a bit faster as I saw the mic stand up by the piano facing everyone.

“You got this,” I heard Harry whisper to me as he adjusted his camera bag on his shoulder. I had been so laser focused that I didn’t realize he didn’t have his proper work bag on him. He must have seen my eyes staring at the cane case as if it was going to come alive and the look of pure confusion on my face. “I’m doing some photos and then I have a previous client I had booked before the show,” he told me.

“Make sure to get zero of me,” I laughed. “Also, thanks again for this Buzzfeed interview.”

“Did you tell Damien about it?”

“No, it’s a press interview for the show. Nothing more, right?” I asked with a wink as he just shook his head.

“Everyone if you could find your seat,”’Gavin asked and I knew that was my sign to get my ass in my chair. “Welcome to the first song day, I know it seems like it’s been forever since we started but I’m thrilled for you to hear the songs, changes that have been made from the film and the new songs they have added,” he expressed. “How today will run, we will go through the show score by score. We will take a break between acts and then come back and finish it off. We will go through the opening and closing number twice and then you will get your notecard with notes to look over and practice,” he said to us.

My seat was between Colin and Hayley which made sense for how the show was set up. I grabbed my musical binder from my rucksack and set it up to follow along until it was my turn to show them my chops. But my mind was thinking about what I had to do the rest of the day, once we were done singing I had to make it over to the Buzzfeed offices and do the interview with Niall and then well, nothing. I had been internally debating if I wanted to ask Harry to get dinner or if I would just get some food by myself and watch the footie match.

As Meryl hit the first note on the piano my heart jumped to my throat, my hands shook a bit and I felt something truly come alive in my soul. With each note, each sound of everyone moving to the edge of their seat to sing I finally felt that I was a part of something and it was euphoric feeling.

When Colin hit his first spoken word I felt the electricity run down my back. With each note my heart beat faster and I grew more and more excited for my time to actually chime in. My foot tapped on the ground in time with the music as everyone sang. With each word Colin sang I knew this show was going to be something that changed my life and that the audience was going to love as well. I couldn’t help but just look around from when Colin was singing and then to the ensamble, and then to Hayley as her voice rang out as well next to me. Along with each note my heart raced a bit faster and my hands shook a bit more but I grew more and more confident. As my eyes looked around I saw Harry as he snuck around and snapped several photos along with videos. I was getting distracted by Harry and I had to shake my head and tear my eyes away, and keep my focus on Gavin as Robyn gave direction.

“This is where you wanna be,” Colin sang as the young man who played the young P.T chimed in in harmony with Colin. “This is where you wanna be.” As Colin’s voice grew quieter the voice of Tristan grew louder and finished up the song.

Everyone clapped as the song finished and and we moved onto the two songs with younger P.T and Charity. With each song that was sung Gavin and Robyn took notes, Harry snapped photos and I waited impatiently for my turn to sing.

_ If your voice cracks that is a part of life. You are human and you can be human and not ashamed of it. Take a deep breath, Tomlinson. You are better than they think you are and than you think that you are.  _ I assured myself as the song Colin was singing came to an end and it was my turn. Turning the page in the book I grabbed the binder and headed up next to Colin as we stood and faced the entire cast. I felt my stomach jump into my throat, and my heart felt as if it was in a cartoon and you could see it bursting out of my chest. As the piano began to play the lead in I shifted my weight on my feet and turned to look at Colin as I felt Harry watching, and I had to remind myself that I was doing this for him and no one else who was in the room mattered.

“Right here, right now I put the offer out. I don’t want to chase you down I know. You. See. It,” Colin sang as he turned to me and raised a brow. “You run with me, and I can cut you free. Out of the drudgery and walls you keep in. So trade that typical for something colorful and if it’s crazy, live a little crazy,” laughed Colin as I turned and looked at him ready to sing. “You can play it sensible, a king of conventional or you can risk it all and see,” holding out the last note the tempo changed, Colin’s body bounced up and down as I tried to keep a still face and in character with Phillip. “Don’t you wanna get away from the same old part you gotta play ‘cause I got what you need so come with me and take the ride - It’ll take you to the other side,” he said out and it was hard not to be mesmerized by the way he had about it. I knew why Gavin had him playing P.T. “Cause you can do like you do, or you can do like me. Stay in the cage, or you’ll finally take the key. Oh. Damn! Suddenly you’re free to fly, it’ll take you to the other side.”

This was it. This was my time to sing. To show all of them that I wasn’t a screw up, that Gavin made the proper call, that I could hold my own and should be part of the show like everyone else.

“Okay, my friend, you want to cut me in well I hate to tell you, but that just won’t happen,” I sang out as I felt everyone's eyes were on me, but as I looked out in the audience I saw Harry as he snapped a photo, I gave the camera a wink and turned back to Colin. “So thank, but no, I think I’m good to go ‘cause I quite enjoy the life you say I’m trapped in,” I sang as I smiled at Colin as Phillip would smile to P.T. “Now, I admire you and that whole show you do. You’re onto something, really it’s something but I live among the swells and we don’t pick up peanut shells. I’ll have to leave that up to you,” I let my voice sing out and it felt good to sing a song that I care about for the first time in years. “Don’t you know that I’m okay with this uptown part I get to play. ‘Cause I got what I need and I don’t want to take the ride, I don’t need to see the other side,” my voice rang out. “So go and go like you do, I’m good to do like me. Ain’t in a cage, so I don’t need to take the key. Oh, damn! Can’t you see I’m doing fine, I don’t need to see the other side,” the words left my lips as the music flowed through my body and out my fingertips.

“Now how is this really how you like to spend your days? Whiskey and misery, and parties and plays?”

“If I were mixed up with you, I would be the talk of the town. Disgraced and disowned, another one of your clowns,” I sang right back at Colin as our voices bounced off each other and harmonized.

Placing his hand on my shoulder, “but you would finally live a little, finally laugh a little, just let me give you the freedom to dream and it’ll wake you up and cure you aching. Take your walls and start ‘em breaking. Now that’s a deal that seems worth taking,” Colin paused as the music played for a few notes, “but I guess I’ll leave that up to you.”

We waited, our feet taking time as we counted in until it was my time. “Well it’s intriguing, but to go would cost me greatly. So what percentage of the show would I be taking?”

“Fair enough you want a piece of all the action, I’d give you seven, we could shake and make it happen.”

Laughing, I looked back at him, “I wasn’t born this morning, eighteen would be just fine.” 

Colin contorted his face and shook his head, “Why not just go ahead and ask for nickels on the dime.”

“Fifteen.”

“I’ll do eight.”

“Twelve.”

“Maybe nine?”

“Ten.”

The music crescendo, Colin and I stood there as we looked at each other. As it came to the peak we both held out our hands and shook as we both belted out in harmony, “Don’t you wanna get away to a whole new part you're gonna play. ‘Cause I got what you need, so come with me and take a ride to the other side.”

“So if you do like I do,” Colin sang.

“So if you do like me,” I replied as we went back into harmony.

“Forget the cage, ‘cause we know how to make the key. Oh, Damn! Suddenly we’re free to fly. We’re going to the other side.”

“So if you do like I do,” I sang out as Colin sang at the same time as me.

“To the other side.”

“So if you do like me.”

“We’re going to the other side.”

Pausing we smiled at each other, “‘Cause if we do we’re going to the other side. We’re going to the other side. ”

As the music came to a close I exhaled as the room broke out in cheers and claps. I smiled and nodded my head as I wasn’t sure how to react to the attention. No, I was good with attention, I didn’t know how to deal with good attention and it was throwing me off. “Cheers, guys,” I said as I felt my face flushing red as Laura reached over and gave my hand a squeeze and winked at me. I had done good. I had finally done good.

“And now that everyone knows that Lou can sing,” Gavin joked as everyone laughed and we moved onto another song.

“Nice job shocking everyone,” Hayley whispered to me. “Nice job, Tomlinson.”

 

***

 

Interviews always scared me. I had fucked up so many interviews from being intoxicated, a few times I was high and not to mention hated talking in public. As silly as it sounds, and while yes, I act and sing, speaking as myself was terrifying. Even with the interview being moderated by Niall - I still had butterflies in my stomach and fear in my chest. I had no idea this was going to be a video interview but I was going to take what I could get. I was glad that I didn’t dress like a homeless man when I went into work this morning. As I sat between Hayley and Keala they both seemed relaxed and just chill while I felt like spiders were crawling all over my entire body.

“So,” Niall said as he swatted my hand away from the microphone as they got me mic’d up. “We went around and had some members of the Buzzfeed community write in questions, and we have some questions from those who work here and they are in the bowl,” Niall told us as he sat next to the camera. “Some of them are general and then other times they are for a certain one of you, but just, just have fun,” he told me as I felt a bit more relaxed with Niall being the one who was the head of the interview.

“No puppies?” Hayley asked a bit saddened as Niall shook his head.

“Sorry, not this time,” he said as an assistant placed a fishbowl with folded up papers in them. “Okay, take a deep breath, guys and just have fun, I have looked through the questions and there will be nothing that will catch any of you off guard or be crude, or inappropriate in nature.”

“Cheers, mate,” I said to Niall as he started rolling.

“Hi, I’m Keala and I play Letti.”

“I’m Hayley and I play Anne.”   


“I’m Louis and I play Phillip,” I said with a smile. “We are from the New Broadway Bound show  _ The Greatest Showman  _ and we are here answering your questions with Buzzfeed.”

“Is he doing all the talking because he is English?”

“Duh,” Keala joked as I just rolled my eyes. Reaching in she pulled out the first slip of paper. “What do you do on your days off?” She asked as she set the paper down and thought, “I spend time with my dogs, read, go and see shows, brunch is a must,” she laughed. “I’m a homebody and loser when it comes to my off time.”

“Same,” Hayley joked. “FaceTime with family. Go out with friends in the area. Honestly I’m just as boring and low key as you Ke,” she said. “Oh, I’ve been working on my aerobatics for the show so that has been a lot of my free time and muscle building,” she said as she flexed her arms for us to see. “How about you, Tomlinson?”

“Well, I have had a lot of time to catch up on Netflix shows that I’ve wanted to watch for months, if not a few years,” I explained to them. “Um, I’ve picked up running, I went to see  _ Return of the Jedi  _ the other day in the park with a live orchestra and it was beyond brilliant,” I told them. “Other than that, I’ve been running lines and trying to get my voice back to where it needs to be for this show,” I told them as I reached in and pulled out the next one. “Okay, Ke - what is your dream role, stage or film?”

“I want to be Moana’s grandmother in a live stage adaptation of the Disney film,” she said without missing a beat as Hayley and I broke out laughing.

“Not that you’ve thought of this?” I said to her as she shook her head.

“Obviously not, it just came to me,” she said flashing a fake smile as Hayley just shook her head. “Hayley it’s your turn to draw,” she said as Hayley stuck her hand in into the bowl, moving the pieces of paper around she pulled one out and smiled as she read it.

“What about the show do you think resonates so well with the audience who will watch it?” she read. “Shit, can I say shit?”

“Yeah,” Niall said to her with a smile.

“I think the story is about acceptance but from an internal standpoint,” Hayley explained. “We all have things we don’t like about ourselves, that is just life and society’s always telling us that none of us are up to par with these imaginary standards, and that we don’t have to be, and that once you love and accept you as a whole person then life gets a lot better, and you are able to shine as your true self.”

Keala nodded, “it’s also about using what makes you different can help those around you who are struggling with the same issues.”

“Agreed,” I said as we all laughed. “But in all honesty, it’s a story of the people, you want to be wanted and respected, and you have to honor and respect yourself in order to get it from other people, but then at that point in time it doesn’t matter so much what they think.”

“That was beautiful, Louis,” Ke said to me. “I agree with him as well. Oh, my turn,” she said reaching in and pulling out another question. “What is everyone’s spirit animal?”

“So we give each other one?” Hayley asked.

“Sure,” I told her as I narrowed my eyes. “You are like an otter. You have this cute front but you are fierce and will use that if needed.”

“Thank you,” she said as she patted her hair. “Ke, you are legit a unicorn. You are so rare and beautiful and we don’t deserve to be in your presence.”

Keala waved at her comment as her face flushed. “Stop,” she laughed. “You, my young Tomlinson are a pitbull. You have a hard exterior but once you get to know someone you realize you are kind and loving.”

“Ta,” I said as I nudged her and knew that she was correct.

We kept on answering all the questions that were in the bowl. I had no idea how Niall was going to splice it but I had faith in him and whatever he was going to do. As we finished and we removed our microphones and thanked everyone, we were shown back out of the office and we all headed our own ways. 

Keala was getting dinner with friends and Hayley said she had a training session and then a date with her boyfriend. So I was left to my own devices. Hailing a taxi I gave them my address as I slipped my mobile from my bag and decided to check in on H.

**How was the client and shoot? - Louis**

**Good. It was headshots and some portraits so nothing hard - H**

**How was the interview? - H**

**Fun. Thank you again for setting that up - Louis**

**Anytime Lou (: - H**

**Hey, do you have plans for dinner? Asking for a friend - Louis**

**I have another shoot :/ - H**

**I would if I could! Rain check?! - H**

**You pay then (: lol - Lou**

**Deal! - H**

**See you tomorrow morning? - H**

**Obviously. You are my ride - Louis**

**Okay smart arse - H**

**Enjoy dinner - H**

I was about to slip my mobile back into my work bag when it buzzed again.

**You did amazing today Lou. Saying this as a mate, and not as someone who is being paid to say it. You did good - H**

I felt my face flush, my thumbs hovered over the screen before I was able to type out something.

**Thank you Harold, that means a lot to me - Lou**

The ride itself was quick which I was grateful for. I hadn’t eaten lunch for Hayley and I were blocking our duet so we could work on it the next several days and get it down and ready for fine tuning.

_ Oh, go to the pub H told you about the other day and watch some footie _ I thought to myself as the cabby pulled up to my place. “Cheers, mate,” I said tipping him with some cash I had on me as I grabbed my rucksack and headed out and up the steps. I set my rucksack by the front door along with my shoes before heading back to my room to change the shirt and pop some Advil. I scooped up my vans and slipped them on before shoving my wallet and mobile into my back pocket, then headed on out into the crisp New York air and made my way to the pub. I wasn’t sure what game was on - if any, but I wanted to get some proper pub food and decompress from the day. My legs were semi throbbing from today which was better than being rubber like they had been the past few days after running.

Turning the corner I saw the neon lights and it already felt like home. I pushed the dark wood door open and as soon as I stepped in I felt like I was back in London. The floors were a dark wood which complimented the dark wood bar and booth seating. The walls were a dark blue and they had footies memorabilia on the walls. It was pretty full for being 5:45 on a Monday. Taking a step in I walked over to the bar and found a seat on the stool. A few feet down werewolf girls were ending some beer, food and watching the game.

“What can I get ya?” The bartender asked me with a smile.

“I’ll take some fish and chips and a water.” 

He looked at me a bit funny.

“I’m in a musical and I don’t drink when I’m in a show,” I explained to make it sound less like I was an alcoholic who was trying to stop and more of a responsible adult who could control the amount of alcohol he consumed at one time. 

He nodded his head as he scribbled down my order and handed it off to the waitress, and handed me a water with some lemon and lime.

_ At least he tried to make it fancy _ I laughed to myself as I turned my attention to the game that was on the screen. It felt nice to be out of the house and around other people even if I wasn’t talking with them. I did wish that Harry was with me, mainly since he would be good company to talk to, and well, he was Harry.

_ Next time. I’m sure he likes footie. What kind of Englishman doesn’t like footie? Heathens.  _ I laughed to myself. The bartender topped off my water as I set my mobile next to me in case Harry texted and asked if he could join me.

_ God, was I that desperate? _

“Go, go, go, go,” I said under my breath as I gently hit the bar as they missed the goal. “Are you fooking kidding me, mate, it was wide open and you still missed it?”

Relaxing a bit I sat there and watched the game. Enjoying that I didn’t have to be seen to keep my name on the lips of the reports of TMZ. I could sit here and I was just Joe from Chicago. Not Louis Tomlinson soon to be broadway star and less of a fook up. The place filled in with a few more families and from the back I heard a drunk man speaking loudly. As I rolled my eyes I realized that I used to be that man not that long ago. As the waitress brought my food out I thanked her and looked down at it with a smile.

_ Smells like home _ .

With one swift motion I loaded my plate with ketchup and dipped some chips in there as I popped them into my mouth. As the food hit the back of my mouth I wanted to die for how orgasmic it tasted. As I ate and tried to watch the match the drunk man kept getting louder as he drew closer to the bar. I knew the bartender wasn’t going to serve him - hell, I wouldn’t even serve him and I was him.

“Hello, pretty ladies,” his voice was slurred as I could smell the alcohol on him as he stood between me and the girls at the other end of the bar. They said nothing and kept watching the game and I kept to myself. The man sat down and my attention was now on him and less on the game.

_ Don’t do it, Louis _ I told myself as I turned ever so slightly to listen.

“How about I buy you each a drink and then we decide which one if not both of you want to join me back in my car, and then maybe another go at my place.”

My body was still as I waited to see what was going to happen. Even though I hadn’t seen my sisters in years, I still wouldn’t want some creep doing this to them.

“No, thank you,” the brunette said as the man just laughed. “Sir, please stop.”

“I just want to buy you a drink,” he said as his words were a bit slurred.

“Do either of you have a mobile?” I asked as I covered mine with my napkin. “My mate is supposed to meet me here and I forgot mine at my flat.”

Both of them looked up and I gave them a soft smile to let them know I was there to help. The girl with dirty blonde hair handed me her mobile but the man knocked it out of my hand, spinning around I kicked the mobile back to her to tell them to call the cops.

“That’s my pussy,” the man said and it took everything inside of me not to roll my eyes at the comment. He turned around and stood a bit taller as if he was trying to intimidate me. “I said that’s my-“

“I know what you said, and it’s rude. Those girls want to enjoy their drink and the game. Just let them be, okay?”

The man laughed at me and rolled his eyes. “And what are you going to do about it?”

“Nothing,” I laughed. As I was about to go and sit down I felt someone grab me by my shirt and spin me around. Before I could do anything there was a fist in my face, my feet lost their balance and I fell down, my head smacking on the counter as everything went black.


	9. tin man with a heart

**harry**

 

_“Harry, you need to answer your phone.” I turned my head as Niall ran towards me holding my mobile as the volume grew louder and louder. His face seemed to distort the closer he got to me, twisting and looking as if it was soft serve ice cream mixed with vanilla and chocolate as it came out of a machine._

_“Harry. Harry, answer the fucking phone. Harold!”_

“Harry!”

My body jolted awake as I heard my phone ringing and Niall was standing there over my body, his body was a fuzzy outline in the dark of my room and the light from the hallway shown into the bedroom. My hands fumbled on the bedside table as I found my glasses, slid them onto my face and looked up at Niall. He was holding my mobile out in my face as his hair was sticking up, his face was flushed and he looked like he had marks from fingers pressing on his skin.

“Are you naked?”

That was the only thing that came out of my mouth when in reality there was about seven other ideas that were running through my head as I came back to reality and away from the dreamland I was in.

“Answer the phone! It has been ringing for twenty minutes and I had to climax to that!” he hissed as he dropped my mobile on my bed and walked back to his room.

I shook my head trying to get that visual out of my head. “Jesus, Niall, not so much detail!” I yelled as my phone stopped ringing for a few seconds only to start again. It was a New York number but it wasn’t one that I knew. Silencing my mobile I saw the call stop and I looked back to see that it had called about twenty times in the past ten minutes. As the number showed up again on my screen I finally answered the call.

“Hello,” I said not sure who was going to be on the other end.

“Is this Harry Styles?” A voice asked me. It wasn't the voice Lima did when he tried to prank call me or Niall when he was drunk. No, no, this was different and my chest grew tight as I grew worried.

“Speaking.”

“Mr. Styles, my name is Nurse Carmen and we have a Louis Tomlinson here in the ER.”

_What?!_

“He said that you are his emergency contact,” she said as she paused for a second and I tried my best to collect my thoughts and be on point and able to process what she was telling me. “He was in a bar fight and we were wondering if you could make it down to the hospital now to speak to the doctor?”

“Yes, um what hospital are you at?” I asked as I grabbed the pen next to my bed and scribbled it on my arm. “Okay, thank you Carmen,” I told her as I hung up my mobile and jumped up and slipped on a pair of jeans, my hands grabbed the first pair of trainers that I could find and ran out of my bedroom and down the steps. Once my feet hit the ground I didn't even bother to untie my raiders but slipped them on as I grabbed my jean jacket off the back of the council and dug through my work bag to get my wallet and car keys.

“Hey,” Cecilia’s voice called out as she stood on the top of the steps, she was wrapped up in a sheet and was looking down at me concerned. “Is everything okay?”

I wasn't sure.

“Louis is in the hospital,” as the words left my mouth there was a gut feeling in my stomach and I wanted to vomit and go running to the hospital to check on Louis. “I have to go-” I said as I spun around trying to find my mobile and then I realized that it was in my hand.

Cecilia turned around and pushed the door open to Niall’s bedroom, “get up we have to bring Harry to the hospital,” she told him as she walked back into the room and turned on the light. I heard Niall yell with the light hitting his eyes. I waited as Cecilia stuck her head out of the door, “we will be down in five,” she assured me and my body stayed there as I waited for them. I didn't know what I was walking into, I also knew that I wasn't in any shape to drive myself. It felt like hours but I knew it was just a few moments before Niall and Ce were down, Ce had my car keys in her hand and we left the flat, made it into the car and she drove us to the hospital.

_Should I call Damien?_

_No._

_Fuck, should I call Gavin?_

_Maybe. It would be right._

Shaking my head, _no, I will asses the situation when I get there and then I will call Gavin. He needs to know - I just, god, Louis, please be okay._

I felt a hand on my shoulder and as I turned around I smiled at Niall as he just gave my shoulder a squeeze and I gave him a smile back, even though my stomach was in my throat as we drove. My chest was tight as that anxiety demon was just running in my head, my ideas of what happened to Louis went from simple to that he was hit by a bus and was a vegetable and I was the one who was going to have to make the call to pull the plug or not. As the car pulled up to the the ER Niall got out with me as Cecilia went to go and park the car. My legs felt like jello and my feet as if they were in cement shoes. I braced myself up against Niall as he helped me walk into the lobby and up to the desk where the nurse was sitting.

“I'm here to see Louis Tomlinson,” I said to her as my voice shook and I wasn't sure if I was going to cry or pass out from fear.

“Room 6,” the nurse said as she looked at Niall, “only whoever's name is Harry can go back.”

“We will be out here,” Niall told me as I took a deep breath in and headed back.

I hated hospitals. Yes, I know they are good and help people but every time I’ve walked into a hospital something bad has happened and I wasn’t sure if that was going to follow me with this visit. With each step on the linoleum floor, my skin under the fluorescent light I just thought back to the multiply trips I took to the ER, the trips Gemma had to take and the final trip we went to with my brother. I didn’t want this to be a final trip for Louis. As I turned the corner and saw the room, walking in I pushed back the coral color curtain and walked in. My heart stopped as Louis laid there in bed. He was hooked up to a monitor that was beeping. His face was a bit swollen, his hand was wrapped up and lip looked cut up.

“Mr. Styles?” A nurse asked as I spun around and looked at her. “I’m Carmen.”

“Ta,” I said as she walks in and past me to check on Louis. “What happened?”

“He was brought in and all we know that he was in a fight,” she told me as she checked a few hints and then turned to me, “he lost and barley fought back from his injuries. He has a few sprained ribs, his hand is busted from glass which we removed and stitched it up. He has a slight concussion but we have him sedated and are monitoring him until the morning when you can bring him home.”

I nodded my head.

“He will be okay, a few bruises but give him a few days and he will be back to normal.”

I nodded again. I wasn’t sure what else to do. Carmen placed her hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze.

“We are going to bring him into a room in less than an hour,” she told me. “So if you wanted to get some coffee.”

“I think I will just wait,” I told her with a smile as I pulled the chair up to the side of his bed. “When you know the number, then I’ll get something while you transfer him.

She nodded and left via the curtain. I get my stomach drop back to where it needed to be, and my heart slowed down from the racing it had been doing. Louis looked off - his skin was paler than normal with a grey tint to it. His body was just there and I wanted to hear a sarcastic comment leave his lips. I wanted to see his lips curl and hear a deep bellowing laugh that came from his soul. I wanted to see the look he got when he was doing something amazing and he realized that he was worth everything that he ever wanted. I wanted Louis back. Pressing the palms of my hands on my thighs I ran my hands up and down my legs as I kept them busy so they wouldn’t link fingers with Louis’ hand and kiss it.

 _Gavin._ I thought as I pulled my mobile out of my pocket and thought about how to tell him about this.

**Hey, I got a call a few hours about Louis and he is in the hospital for a fight. I don’t know details but he will be out of work for at least three days due to his recovery time set by his doctor. I will let you know when I know more - H**

I didn’t want to believe that he got into a fight. Or that he started to drink again after he told me that he had stopped until after the run in Chicago. There was so much that didn’t make sense and I just wanted the answers but all I had was a Louis who was put under and a nurse who didn’t give me any answers either. My phone screen remained black as I sat there, the only sound was the beeps of the machines Louis was hooked up to.

 

**Flashback**

_I didn’t feel anything. Should I? He was a monster and he had it coming to him. But he was my brother, by blood not by actions. But all I felt was - nothing. A deep void of any emotions. Even anger didn’t appear for a brief moment as I sat there in the room. The light bounces off the white sheets on the bed making my brother’s skin look blue. Or maybe that was the lack of oxygen to his drug addicted head._

_“You could show emotion,” my mother's words came out of her mouth like venom. “He is your brother, you spoiled brat.”_

_“Emily!” My father hissed as he looked up. His eyes were sunken in his face, red from the hours spent awake with my brother, his voice horse from fighting with my mother. “ Mrs. Horan is going to bring you both home,” he said as he turned to me and Gemma. She had been silent since we arrived several hours ago. I didn’t blame her for her lack of words or tears. My brother almost died again - it was something that we were use to at this point. It was just another thing he did that mum blamed us for and never blamed him._

_With my right hand I pushed up my jumper sleeve and looked at the marks on my arm. Why should I care about a man who used me as a human ashtray?_ _Pushing my sleeve down I turned around, I gave my father a kiss on his cheek as I grabbed my rucksack and took Gemma’s hand and walked out of the room. He was dead to me and wasn't going to control my life anymore._

My eyes looked down at my arms, it had been 10 years but the scars were still there. They were a bit faded but there nonetheless. My eyes were heavy as this hour seemed to drag on.

“We have a room,” Carmen’s voice said as I looked up and she came in to wheel him to another room. “He will be in room 437.”

I nodded, standing up I stretched my back out as another nurse came in to help her move the bed. I needed to tell Niall and Cecilia what was going on. I also needed to send them home if this was going to be an all night endeavor. I followed them out of the room and while they turned down a hallway I made my way back out into the lobby. My eyes looked around at the worn blue couches where I found Niall, he was sitting with his feet on the ground while Cecilia’s head was in his lap and the rest of her body was curled up on the couch. His eyes widened as I slowly made my way towards him.

“He is being moved to a room and will be released tomorrow,” I told them as I tried to think straight. “He was in a fight, a busted hand and a few bruised ribs.”

“Better than what I know you were thinking.”

I nodded. I was too exhausted for a witty comment.

“We will go with you to his room, then go back and get you some clothes and fresh clothes for Louis, and come back in the morning when he gets discharged,” Niall explained to me as he tapped Cecilia who opened her eyes and sat up. Stretching her hands over her head she let out a loud yawn and placed a hand on Niall’s thigh.

“Whatever Niall said,” she said, her voice still groggy from her nap.

“Thanks guys.”

Niall stood up and before I knew it he was wrapping me up in a hug. “It’s okay. He will be okay.” With those words my body seemed to just give out and tears left my eyes as I felt a wave of emotion that Louis was going to be okay. As I tried to get air in my lungs I buried my head into Niall’s shoulder and he hugged me tighter. “It’s okay.”

 

•••

 

I didn’t sleep well. I slept on and off, I would wake up every time a nurse came in to check on Louis. The doctor was going to be in around 8 and then we could leave after that. Knowing hospitals we wouldn’t be back to his place till close to 3. But thankfully Louis slept through the night, he had no weird reactions to the medication and by 5:45 I heard him moving around on the bed.

“I need to piss,” I heard almost in a whisper. My eyes turned away from my mobile as I saw his eyes flutter open. “Where am I?”

“Hospital.”

His face turned white and I grabbed the tray for him as whatever was in his stomach came up. His entire body heaved forward. Patting his back I called for the nurse as I handed him a napkin for him to wipe his mouth off. Laying back down in the bed the nurse came in with a smile.

“Look who is awake,” she said as she took the vomit and checked his vitals. “Let’s get you up and in the bathroom.”

“I’ll step out.”

“No.” Louis said as I stood up but then sat back down in my chair. As he slowly walked to the bathroom still hooked up to some machines I saw that Gavin had texted me.

**My phone died. Is he okay?- Gavin**

**Yes. Doctor will be here in a few hours. I will keep you posted but neither of us will be there today or tomorrow. I will get stuff done from home - H**

**Thank you Harry. I will stop by today and check up on him and you - Gavin**

Glad he wasn’t upset, I sent off the morning text to Niall and Ce letting them know what was going on and see what time they would be here. My eyes stung behind my glasses, I needed eye drops or just to sleep for a few hours. As Louis came out of the bathroom he looked down at his feet as the nurse helped him back into bed and got him hooked back up.

“I will have some bread and applesauce sent in,” she said and then turned to me, “I’ll have a coffee for you.”

“Cheers,” I told her as she left and it was just me and Louis. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I was hit by a fooking bus,” he said as he grabbed the cup of water and took a sip. “How long have you been here?”

“Since they called me around 11. What time did you go to a bar?”

“I don’t know. I went to a pub for food and that is all I know.”

I nodded my head as the nurse came back with coffee and food for Louis.

“Your drug screen came back and there was nothing abnormal in it,” she told Louis and my heart did a happy dance.

_He wasn’t drinking._

“How is your head?”

“I feel like I have a hangover headache but I didn’t drink,” he told her as his hands tried to open the apple sauce but his hands kept slipping so I reached over, opened it up for him and stuck the spoon in. He smiled a thank you as he turned back to the nurse.

“Well you had a mild concussion so take it easy a few days alright? We are waiting for the doctor to look at a few x-rays and then he will be in.”

“Ta.” Louis said as she left he took a bite of the apple sauce and we sat there for a few moments in silence. “Sorry to scare you.”

“Not your fault.”

“It kinda”-

Holding my hand up Louis stopped talking, my eyes were heavy and it was taking everything inside of me not to breakdown in tears. “You are okay,” I felt and heard my voice crack. “That’s all that matters Lou. That you are okay and will be okay.”

Reaching his hand out I laid mine in his and he gave it a squeeze. “Thank you for staying. I - I don’t know what I would have done waking up alone.”

“Thrown up on yourself.”

Laughing Louis winced and held his side. “Ow, ow, ow,” he said as I covered my mouth upset that I made him hurt. “Do you know what happened?” He asked me as I shook my head, his guess was as good as mine. “Shit. Can you look in my things - I don’t think my mobile is there and if Damien has been trying to get ahold of me I’m fooked.”

Getting up from the chair I walked over to the small cabinet that contained a clear bag of Louis’ personal items and in there was his wallet, bottoms, top, trainers, no mobile

_Shit._

“I’ll go back to the bar and get it when we bring you home,” I assured him as I saw that Niall was on his way. “I talked with Gavin and you have a pass from work today and tomorrow.”

“God, I am such a - what?” He asked as he saw my face. “I am.”

“Stop saying that about yourself Lou, the more you say it the more you are going to believe it and that’s not what we want,” I told him. Was I upset with whatever happened, sure, but until I knew the home story I wasn’t placing the blame on anyone. Especially Louis.

I knew the pub he went to - it was the one that was closest to his place and one that I had told him about. With each hour my body grew more and more exhausted. My eyes struggled to stay open, Gavin had told me he was going to stop by around 7 after rehearsal and everyone wished Louis the best. I wasn’t sure what he told them - but whatever it was no one seemed to be upset with him. Turning the corner I headed into the pub. Louis managed to eat half of his applesauce and he ate one of his toasts before he felt sick and then fell back asleep from the pain meds the nurse came in and gave him while he was eating. Sitting there I waited for Niall and Cecilia to show up. I was always waiting patiently for the doctor to come and give Louis the thumbs up for me to take him home.

“Hey ho,” I heard Niall’s voice as I stood up and walked over to them as they pushed the door opened and walked in, both he and Cecilia had their hands filled with bags. “How is he doing this morning?”

I moved my head back and forth as I shrugged my shoulders, “he woke up for an hour-ish. He doesn’t remember much of what happened but there were no drugs or alcohol in his system so that was a relief for me,” I explained to them as I took the bags from Cecilia’s hands and set them on the couch that was in his room. “I’m waiting for the doctor to come in and clear him, and then Gavin is going to stop by his flat later to check in on him. I will probably spend tonight on his couch to make sure that he is okay since he did have a concussion.”

“That’s why we packed you another outfit,” Cecilia said as she patted the duffel with my clothes in it. “I have breakfast for you in here and tea in here,” she said as she pulled out the thermos and set it on the table. “I have some broth for Louis, and some ancient herbal remedies from my motherland.”

“Virginia?”

Cecilia tossed a napkin at me. “Ass,” she laughed as there was another knock on the door and the doctor popped his head into the room. He looked young, like he was barely out of med school but I was going to go with it.

“Mr. Styles?”

I stood forward as if I was being called off to battle.

“Mind if we chat in the hall?”

“Sure,” I said as we made our way out of the room and and into the hallway. “Is this a bad we should talk?” I asked him for I had been in the room for many of those looks from doctors when they would say those words to my father and mum about any one of us children.

“It’s not bad,” he assured me as he looked over Louis’ chart. “I’m sure that that nurse has told you, but when Louis came in he was in and out of consciousness. We checked him over, while he did have a concussion, he also has several sprained ribs, his head was cut pretty bad from what looked like a broken beer bottle, so we cleaned out the glass and got him stitched up, he just needs to rest and then he needs to go get the stitches pulled in about a week and they should heel up just fine.”

I nodded.

“He needs to rest for a few days for his ribs, what does he do for a living?”

Closing my eyes, I laughed a bit as I shook my head, “he is an actor and is currently in a workshop for a new musical that is going to be hitting the stage next year,” I explained to him. “So, no dancing for how long?”

“A week,” he told me. “A week, and when he does go back he needs to get back into it slowly,” Dr. Peterson assured me. “He will be fine, he just needs to take it easy, the faster he rushes to get back into full swing, the longer it will take to get back to 100%,” he explained to me as he put the file under his arm. “When he was admitted we saw his files and he has been in a few times, and there was normally some form of drug or alcohol in his system. It worried us so we ran a toxicology report for of course our first thought was that he was under the influence, be it one or both. But, there was nothing in his system.”

I just looked at him and nodded my head, I didn’t want to show too much emotion when it came to Louis for he was just a co-worker and a friend second. “Do you think the pain killers that you are giving him will trigger something in him and kind of send him back to square one?”

Dr. Peterson shook his head, “no, before we gave him anything we checked his medical history and we are giving him low doses that will help the pain but nothing too strong,” he assured me. “Louis is a strong man and I’m sure that he will bounce back quickly.”

“Thank you,” I told him.

“I will have the nurse work on his discharge papers and he will be out of here within the hour,” he said to me with a smile. “Any local doctor can take the stitches out, he doesn’t need to come back here,” he explained to me and I nodded, I would make him an appointment with my doctor to get them out in a week’s time. Shaking Dr. Peterson’s hand, I thanked him again for all his help and I made my way back into the hospital room. Cecilia was sitting next to Louis, she was moving the fringe out of his face as Niall began to pack up his belongings from the clear hospital bag into the bag that they had brought and removed his clean clothes.

“He good to go?” Niall asked as I nodded my head as I grabbed the cup of coffee Cecilia had poured for me.

“Good, we are getting the paperwork to get him home,” I explained to them as the coffee hit my body I felt it give me another jolt of energy that I needed to get me back to his flat, get him in bed and make sure that he is okay and possibly get a few hours of sleep. “I will be at his place for when Gavin comes around to talk with him and to see what the game plan is going to be with work,” I explained to them as my mobile screen lit up on the table that had Louis’ half eaten food. Reaching over I grabbed the mobile and saw it was a message from Louis’ mobile, but it couldn’t be him since he was asleep on a hospital bed in front of me. Unlocking the mobile I pulled up the text and read it.

**Hi, this phone was left at Rose and Crown pub last night. This was the last number he texted and I wanted to say that it is here if you or the owner would like to pick it up. It will be behind the bar, you just need to ask for Ryan, that is me, I was the bartender last night when the man it belonged to was punched in the face. - Ryan**

**Thank you Ryan, my name is Harry, you probably know that from the name on the text message, I will be around the rub in a few hours to pick up the phone if that is okay? - H**

**Yes, I will be stocking the bar, if you don’t see me please just ask for me - Ryan**

**Thank you. I will see you in a few hours - H**

Setting my mobile down I pushed my glasses up on the top of my head and pinched the bridge of my nose. The coffee hit my stomach and I felt a bit nauseous as my head began to spin thinking about all that I had to do, thinking about what was going to happen with the show, and just how Louis was going to handle it all when he tried so hard to get to this point and it seemed like a major setback for him. “Once I get him back home, I am going to pick up his mobile which was left at the bar, could I ask of one more major favor?” I asked as I felt a hand on my shoulder and Cecilia grabbed my hand.

“We will stay with Louis until you get back with his mobile,” Cecilia told me as she gave my hand a squeeze and kissed it.

I hated this feeling, it was the same helpless feeling I got when I was 10 and was first admitted into the hospital and the multiple times after that when it was either my sister or me. It was the same hollow feeling I had when I was 16 and my brother died. It was the feeling that no matter what I did it was useless and I hated feeling useless. Closing my eyes I regrouped, and turned towards Louis as he rustled in the bed. As his eyes fluttered open as he saw Niall and Cecilia, he smiled at them as he adjusted himself so he was sitting up in the bed.

“How long was I out?”

“An hour or so,” I told him. “We have clothes for you, so once the nurse comes in and unhooks you, you can change and we can bring you home,” I told him as he nodded his head as he was still groggy. “You guys didn’t have to come.”

“We know,” Cecilia said as she kissed Louis’ forehead and went back to helping collect his things. “We just wanted to make sure that you are okay,” she added as he smiled over at me and all I could do was smile back happy to see that he was okay.

While the nurses drew up the paperwork, we finished gathering all of Louis’ items and collecting everything that we needed to bring home. A new nurse, Logan, came into the hospital room and he helped get Louis unhooked, and removed the IV’s from his body. He made sure that Louis was okay to walk and helped him to the bathroom where Louis took his time getting dressed. His body was in throbbing pain and as much as I wanted to go in there and help him I knew that I couldn’t. His morning nurse, Bekka, came in and she gave me all of his paperwork, she explained to me each of the medication that he will need to take, as well as what to do for his hand, nose and ribs. I made note and slipped the papers into the bag with Louis’ old clothes. As he emerged from the bathroom, Logan came in with a wheelchair and Louis got in it without complaining. His hand was on his right side as he winced in pain as he sat down and put his feet on the rests. “You can put me in a cab and I can make it home,” he said as his breathing was labored and his face winced as the fact that when he smoked, his face would move and it would shoot pain from his nose.

“Brilliant idea, but no,” I told him as I slung the bag full of clothes on my shoulder and a took hold of the coffee cup that I was nursing. “We have my car and we will take you home,” I told him not even mentioning that I had to go and get his mobile from the pub.

“Does Damien know anything?”

“Sod him,” I said as he laughed and winced a bit, he needed to stop laughing, and i needed to do better at not making him laugh.

Louis’ face grew stern as he looked at me trying not to laugh but I could see in his eyes that he wanted to. “Stop that, Harold,” he told me as I made a face as Cecilia got behind the wheelchair and gave him a push as Niall and I walked alongside towards the car. Once we got down, Cecilia parked the wheelchair and she went to the car park to get the car. In a few moments the car was pulled up to the curb. I handed the bags that were in my hands to Niall as I unlocked the wheelchair as I moved it closer to the car, helping him up and into the back of the car. Niall and Cecilia shoved the bags in the boot of the car. Moving back around Cecilia got into the driver’s seat and Niall in the passenger seat - putting the car into gear we headed on out to his flat. I was pleased that the ride was smooth, Louis was awake from the most of it, his eyes looking outside at the world around him as Cecilia drove. My hands stayed in my lap, I wanted to rest my hand on his knee, or even take his hand. I don’t know why I had this urge, there is no reason or explanation why I wanted to do this. It was just, it was this gut feeling that I had, and as much as I wanted to act on it I knew that I had to keep it restrained and just process it like any grown adult. A cold shower and wanking off until you are too exhausted to go on, and then you curl up in bed and sleep it off and wake up feeling better.

As Cecilia pulled up to Lou’s flat I got out, walking around, I opened up his door and helped him out slowly. His side was killing him and I knew that from his face that he no doubt just had pain all over.

“Shower, and then sleep?” I asked him as he nodded his head. “I’m not a nurse so my arse won’t be giving you a shower.”

“Damn,” he joked, or was he joking? “I think I should be okay, are you going home?” he asked as his head turned I heard the tone of his voice change, he was almost apprehensive to ask me, worried that I was going to go home and he was going to be alone.

Shaking my head, I reached in my pocket and pulled out his flat key. “No, you aren’t getting rid of me that easy,” I joked to make him feel better. “I do need to get your mobile from the pub, so Ce and Niall will be here,” I explained to him as they followed behind with the bags of food and clothing that was Louis’. He nodded as we stepped into the flat and headed in. Taking the left turn we walked through his living room and made our way into the bedroom where he took a seat on the edge of the bed. “I need to rest for a second,” he told me. “So, I will be fine.”

Looking over at Niall he walked in and set his bag of clothes down as I heard Cecilia in the kitchen putting the food away and prepping to make tea. “Niall and Cecilia will be here, please, don’t do anything stupid or I will put your arse back in that hospital bed.”

Louis held his hand up to his head and gave me a salute and smile as I just rolled my eyes and patted his head as I made my way out his bedroom and back towards the front door.

“Make sure he doesn’t try to do it all himself,” I told Cecilia as she nodded and I headed on my way to the pub. My eyes were heavy and I knew that driving was a terrible idea so took a deep breath in of the fresh air and started my walk.

 _Once you get his mobile you can get some sleep Harry_ I told myself as a way to keep my feet walking, and my eyes still open. With each step I felt my body fighting harder and harder to stay awake. _Lord, I hope Damien didn’t call. Then both Louis and I will be fucked in the long run._ I was glad that the walk wasn’t bad, and when I got there it was the start of lunch, and it was a Tuesday so there was little to no one in the place. My hand pulled open the heavy wood door, as my foot stepped in my eyes looked around and found a man behind the bar who I was going to assume was Ryan.

“Ryan?”

“Harry?” He asked as he set a case of Evan Williams Cherry Whiskey on the bar and smiled. “How is the phone owner?”

“Seen better days,” I said as I took the mobile from him. “What happened?”

“We have this guy who comes in every now and then and likes to cause issues with the ladies. We always kick him out but the guy tried to get him to stop, and he saved the girls for when the cops came they arrested him and we got an ambulance here to take him to the hospital,” Ryan explained to me as I couldn’t help but smile. “So you tell him he eats free whenever he comes back.”

“Ta,” I said as the mobile was dead. “Thanks for contacting me.”

“Anytime. Tell your boyfriend he was a hero last night.”

“Ta,” I said ignoring the boyfriend comment, slipping Louis’ mobile into my pocket and making my way back to Louis’ flat.

 

•••

 

My eyes fluttered open and I began to panic as I had no idea where I was. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness I realized that I was still at Louis’ flat. The telly was on but it was so low that I couldn’t hear the words. Sitting up, the blanket that was on me slid down on my body and I saw there was a lump in the bed that was Louis. Reaching over I grabbed my glasses, sliding them onto my face the flat was less blurry but still dark. Reaching over I checked the time on my mobile and saw that it was 4am. Unlocking my mobile I saw that someone has been texting Niall - I felt a smile spread across my face as I read the exchange.

**Hey It’s Lou. I’m letting you know that Harry is asleep on my couch and he has been so nice to me that I wasn’t going to wake him. So when he doesn’t come home don’t worry he is with me. I will make sure he is fed in the morning before I send him back to you. Thank you again for all that you and Cecilia did for both me and Harry yesterday and today. - Louis**

**No worries Lou. I’m glad that you are feeling better and make sure he eats. He does this thing when he is caring for others he forgets to take care about himself in the most unselfish way possible - Niall**

My hands hovered over the screen on my phone as I got a knot in the pit of my stomach and I knew that I was screwed even more than I thought before. I had been able to keep the feelings about Louis pushed down - deep down. But no matter how hard I try to push it down I still get butterflies when I see him, the urges I have to be intimate with him by holding hands, or kissing his temples. God, I just wanted to kiss his lips. But it was wrong. Not in the sense that society thinks it’s wrong. But it’s wrong for the simple fact that we worked together which was strike one. And, well I wasn’t sure about him when it came to if he enjoyed the company of a man or a woman. Hell, maybe he didn’t want either.

 **Niall. I’m fucked** **_._ ** **\- H**


	10. you are invited




	11. the past comes back to haunt you

**l.t**

After a week and a half of not being able to dance it was nice that I was able to get back to work and jump right in. I was there to watch and learn, and Harry helped me get a video so I could learn whilst I was sitting at home bored out of my mind since I wasn’t allowed to do anything at all, and Harry kept a close eye on me to make sure that I kept to the doctor’s orders. My nose was still a bit bruised up but in a few more days I knew that it would be gone and I would be back to my normal self. I was able to evade the questions from Damien by not telling him about my brush with the hospital, and neither Gavin nor Harry mentioned it to him either for all of our sakes. Work had gone from something I hated to something that I truly enjoyed and looked forward to even on the mornings when we had to get up there at 6am.

“Night,” I called out to Laura as I headed on out of her flat and Harry was quickly behind me, she gave him a kiss and he quickly caught up with me as we headed down the street. “You headed home?”

Harry nodded, “I’m knackered. But when I get home I have a FaceTime date with my nieces and sister,” he explained to me as we reached his car. “Are you sure that I can’t give you a ride home?”

My eyes rolled as I held my hand up to fetch a cab. “Because you have done more for me in the last two weeks than anyone should or would,” as the words left my mouth a yellow car pulled up. “I will see you tomorrow morning, Harry,” I said as I walked off the sidewalk and made my way towards the car. “Drive safe.”

“Cheers.”

“Cheers!” I called out a I opened up the door and slid into the back of the cab. Giving my address to the driver I sat back into the seat and enjoyed the drive home. It had been a good night, Laura and her husband and made dinner for the lot of us and we all piled into her small flat and while the thought of it seemed crazy, it was homey and fun. Plus, Laura’s dog was the one of the cutests dogs I’ve ever seen and gotten to play with. The drive wasn't bad, we hit some traffic but nothing I hadn’t sat through before. As I got home, I paid and tipped the driver and headed on out and home. I needed a hot shower, ice my feet which were throbbing from dancing. I needed tea for my throat and my bed for the exhausted body. My hands could barely move as I shoved the key into the door, unlocked and headed on in. As in a rhythm my hand turned the light on as I dropped my bag on the ground, toed off my shoes, my body moved through the house and into the kitchen putting the kettle on and then making my way into my bedroom where I stripped off my clothes, my back ached as I bent down and picked them up before tossing them in the laundry hamper.

_ You need to do the wash soon _ I thought to myself as I found a clean pair of joggers and pants before I made my way into the bathroom. The tile floor was cold on my bare feet as I laid my clean clothes on the counter of the sink. As I stripped out of my pants I turned the water on in the shower and finished striping and hoped in. I wanted to wait for the water to warm up but my body was sore that the water felt amazing on my muscles. As the water beat down on my body I still had black and blue marks from the IV’s, the beating I took to my stomach and more. Closing my eyes I winced in a bit of lower back pain and my nose was still messed up.

With my eyes closed I enjoyed the silence of my flat. We had an amazing dinner with Laura and her husband, but now as I stood there I had a James Bay song stuck in my head from the Uber ride.

“I wanna give you wild love, the kind that never slows down,” I sang as I stood up and tried to stretch out my back as I grabbed the shampoo to lather my hair. “I wanna take you high up, let our hearts be the only sound. I wanna go where the light burns low and you’re only mine. I wanna give you wild love,” I sang as my shower had the best acoustics and why not belt it out now. Rinsing out the shampoo I lathered in the conditioner and let it sit in and help my hair not to be so damn dry. “Tried to call you to feel you close. From a runway in Tokyo - let’s leave the atmosphere, disappear, there’s always something left to lose. I wanna give you wi-” I stopped as I heard a banging on my door. I knew that it wasn’t Harry, he would knock and come on in. Maybe it was just someone who was trying to sell something, leaving it be my mouth opened up to sing again when there was another pounding on the door.

_ Jesus! _

“Coming!” I yelled rinsing the conditioner out and I quickly turned off the shower and wrapped a towel around my waist and ran towards the front door. My wet feet left footprints on the wood floor as I made note not to slip on it as I walked back from answering the front door. Opening up the front door my heart stopped as I saw Damien standing there, a duffle bag at his feet and the smell of whiskey on his breath. I wanted to say something but there was no words that could leave my lips fast enough.

“Well, do I have to stand here or are you going to let your best friend in?” He asked me as my nipples hardened from the cold wind. I stood there frozen as he brushed past me and into my place. It took my body a few moments to catch up to my mind and what the fook that was actually going on. After several moments I shut the door and made my way back into the living room as he was in the kitchen, the kettle was whistling as he was rummaging through the fridge to try and find some, no doubt some sort of alcohol.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him as the words came out I had hoped that it wasn’t mean, but just curious for I was, and worried as he slammed the fridge door shut and turned off the kettle as it was annoying him.

His head turned as he looked at me a bit confused as if I should have known that he was coming, or that I should have wanted him to be there more than I actually did. “I’m here to make sure that they are doing what they said they would,” he told me and my heart dropped. Lord knows if they were doing the crazy shit that he wanted them to do. Gavin wasn’t going to take this bullshit, Harry was going to take his bullshit and I wasn’t going to take his bullshit either finally. “I don’t want Gavin to think that he can slide and get away with things, and that Henry guy.”

“Harry,” I told him as I stood there still in my towel freezing cold and my wet hair dripping on the floor.

Damien rolled his eyes as he moved the little fold around in my fridge, “yeah, that dick who hasn’t been doing what I told him. I haven't seen your name in papers and why is that?”

“I have been busy,” I told him as my eyes darted to where my mobile was as the wheels in my brain began to turn and I tried to figure out what I was going to do with him. “I have been doing some classes and rehearsal have been longer and more intense,” I said omitting that I was just at a dinner and was home sober. Slamming the fridge door he stumbled past me and made his way over the couch were he landed with a loud flop and moved closer to the wall, the feet of the couch hitting the baseboard and making them up.

“Yeah, not acceptable,” he told me with a shake of his head as he reached down and pulled his shoes off. “Why the hell are you naked.” Looking down, I knew that I wasn’t naked but I was half cleaned from the shower. “Get dressed and I will postmate us some beer.”

“Brilliant….” I said trailing off as I turned and made my way into my bedroom. I didn’t want beer, nor was I going to partake in any of it. As I reached my bed I scooped up my mobile and headed back to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me, I took a seat on the toilet and dialed Harry. He should be home, he had a wet head this morning so he shouldn’t be in the shower. Maybe he was with his friend Benjamin.

“Pick up, pick up, pick up,” I said as my legs bounced up and down in anxious worry as I heard the phone ring and ring. “Come on, Harry...” I said with a sigh as I grabbed another towel and draped it over the shoulder to keep me warm.

“Ey, what’s up?”

I heard his voice and my nerves seemed to settle a bit.

“Damien is here,” I spat out before saying hello for I was freaking out internally and externally now.

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking but I was pretty sure that I was thinking all the same things that he was.

“Do you need me to come over?”

“No. No, I can handle him,” I lied trying to make it sound like I could. It was Damien - was a wild card in being able to handle. “He is drunk and he will be passed out soon since I’m pretty sure that he is also high.”

Harry let out a deep exhale and was silent for several more minutes. I wasn’t sure what was going through his head and that worried me that I couldn’t see his face.

“Keep him there, I will give Gavin a call and let him know about Damien,” asked Harry as I heard him shuffling some stuff around. “You sure that you are okay?”

I nodded my head.

“Yeah. I just wanted to give you a heads up. I know he will be on a warpath about me, so know whatever he says it’s not true and not how I view you or all that you do for the show.”

“Thanks Lou, and thanks for saying those things, that, that is really kind of you and if you need anything just shoot me a text. I’ll keep my mobile ringer on.”

“I ruined your FaceTime date. Shit.”

I heard him laugh, “it’s fine, Rose was having a fit and Isabella is sick so it was cut short due to that,” he explained to me. “It’s just one night. You can make it.”

I hope that he was correct.

“Thanks.”

“See you tomorrow, Lou.”

“See you tomorrow, Harold,” I told him feeling a bit better than I did when I called him. “If I’m dead, it was due to Damien.”

“Jesus. Stop,” he laughed and I knew that he was shaking his head.

“Well I’m going to see if he is sleeping or has Postmate beer,” I said as I bid Harry goodbye and hung up. Closing my eyes I gathered my thoughts before I stood up, taking off my towels I slipped on clean pants and joggers and a random long sleeve black shirt that was on the top of a box of clothes. Sliding my mobile into the pocket I headed out to a quiet flat. Taking the towel I had dropped over my shoulders I cleaned up the water from my body and hair when I went to answer the door. When I slid to the living room Damien was there passed out on the couch. I was a bit shocked that there wasn’t any beer but I wasn’t going to hold my breath. I quickly cleaned up the water, draped a blanket over Damien and made my way to my bedroom, locking the door and falling face first onto my bed.

I wanted to scream.

Damien was my kryptonite. Whenever he was around I just stopped trying and there was a pit in my stomach that, that was going to happen again. I didn’t want it to, I feared it. I had come so far with the help of Harry and I didn’t want to slide back and disappoint him. Turning the lights off I laid in my bed, my eyes locked on the ceiling, my brain began to turn and I knew it was going to be a long night.

_ Get sleep and get up and go for a run _ I said to myself as I rolled over to my side. And stared at the boxes that still filled my room. I wanted to sleep, hell I needed to sleep but I was worried about Damien. I was sure I knew what was going to happen; he would awake from his nap a bit sober and he would order food and beer and drink until he blacked out.

_ I can’t believe I used to do that shit _ . I thought as my eyes adjusted to the dark and waited for my brain to wind down or for my body to be so exhausted that I would finally fall asleep even if my brain wouldn’t turn off. But I was like Damien, and I knew why I had pushed so many people away, lost so many job opportunities, was a washed up actor already. He was the root of the problem and there was sadly no way for me to rid of him for a while still.

_ You will need a lawyer to tell him you don’t want to renew your contract. After you tell Mark - who won’t be shocked. Maybe Gavin knows someone or I can be a free agent. Or maybe this is the end for me. I could go back to school like I’ve always wanted to and make something out of myself. Not that I haven’t but something more.  _ I thought with a yawn as my eyes grew heavier. _ I have enough money that if I downsize and get a flatmate I will be fine. And once I’ve graduated I can get a 9-5 job which will be weird but probably just as rewarding. _

The more I thought the more my mind began to lull me to sleep. And before I knew it I was out. I wasn’t sure what time I finally made it to sleep, but I knew my alarm was set for 5am and when it began to sing out my body jumped up a bit from the deep sleep I was in. My hands fumbled as I turned off the ringer and laid back on the pillows. I took the back of my hand and wiped the drool away as I dug deep for the energy to get up and put my trainers on to go for my morning run. “get up, you need this run to clear your head,” I said, my voice hoarse as I get up. Flinging my feet to the ground I grabbed my mobile and headphones from the bedside table and set them in my bed as I got up and grabbed my trainers. I had put clean socks in them yesterday so I didn’t have to rummage to find ones. Once the socks were in, trainers were tied and my musical was all cued up and ready I made my way through my flat. I could hear Damien snoring so I was a bit disappointed that last night wasn't a nightmare but reality. My hand grabbed the single key to the flat and I tucked it in the little pocket of my joggers as I left the flat and stretched on the front steps. “Maybe he will be gone by the time you get back,” I said internally which was wishful thinking. I knew Damien and he came here to pick a fight and cause drama due to the fact nothing had happened and there was no bad buzz about me or the show.

As soon as my foot hit the pavement and I took off I get better. It was nice that my lungs were able to do this again, that my legs could last for two miles without hurting and that I was in a mental state of knowing what was going on. It has taken me longer than I had liked to get back to this point with running - I had been an active kid and preteen with footie and rugby but when I got to the states footie turned into a past time and I turned to booze to get the same feeling. With each foot forward I thought about how today was going to go.

Bad.

I wasn’t sure how or when but I knew it was going to turn sour and all eyes would be on me as Damien acted up. I had learned from him, he had been my mentor and the only friend close to my age. Now he was sad, I hadn’t ever stopped to realize that he acted like a 22 year old frat boy when he was way past that stage of his life. I wasn’t sure if I should give Laura, Colin and Hayley a quick heads up since it was just us at our rehearsal time today to work on our numbers. Maybe Gavin had already done that since I found a text from him and several from Harry that came in last night.

_ This is so pathetic _ . I thought as I rounded the corner of my street. I felt a bead of sweat roll down my back as my running turned into a jog as I grew closer to my flat. I feared that Damien would be up by the time I got back, I just needed him to be out black when I left with Harry and would just not show up at practice today. Unfortunately he has this ability that no matter how drunk or high he is, he manages to go to where I am working when he has his mind set on it. Once I reached my flat I used the energy I had from the run to stretch out my legs as I walked up the steps. Unlocking the door I made my way in, the flat was a bit brighter as the sun was starting to rise and I got a better look at Damien and the mess he had made in just a few short hours.

He was passed out on his stomach, his mouth wide opened and the cushion wet from the drool. Or, it could have been beer judging by the pile of empty bottles by the coffee table and a hand that hung off the side of the couch. It was weird being sober and walking into this, normally I was the one who was passed out in my own vomit on the couch, or the ground, or in a toilet. I left him there, as I got to my room I shut the door and quickly peeled off the shirt that was soaked in sweat off and tossed it next to the hamper along with my joggers before putting on clean joggers and black T-shirt with a jean button up. I was going to be dancing today so I wasn’t stupid enough to put on jeans.

Everything I needed for work was in my bag, bending down I grabbed my vans and made my way into the kitchen. I set my shoes on the chair as I filled up the kettle and began to boil the water as I prepared the French press and the travel mugs with creamer for Harry and just sugar for me. I was lost in thought as the kettle began to whistle and I heard Damien move. I quickly turned it off and held my breath waiting for him to say something. After several seconds I figured I was in the clear and I added the water to the press and waited a few seconds before pressing it down and then waiting for it to steep while I held my breath that Damien would stay asleep. Sliding on my shoes I noticed the time and knew that Harry was going to be here any moment. Once I was settled I poured the coffee, caped it and headed to the front door where my bag was. As I reached for my keys I heard a mobile going off. My head turned around when I saw it was Damien’s.

My entire body froze.

_ Shit. Did he really set an alarm?  _ I thought as he moved, his hand fumbled with his mobile as he turned it off and he rolled over so his back was facing me and his face was looking at the back of the couch. I slowly took a breath in as I slung my bag over my shoulder, took the coffee cups and left my flat. Find comfort in the outside and being that much farther from Damien I stayed on the front steps and waited for Harry. As soon as I saw his car I jumped up and walked down towards the street. When he stopped he looked puzzled as I set the coffee on the hood of he car before tossing my bag in the back. I opened the front door as I closed the back and grabbed both coffees before sitting down. I handed Harry’s over to him and set mine in the cup holder so I could shut the door and we could go. Tapping the dashboard area I pointed forward for Harry to drive as I got buckled in.

“Can today be tomorrow already?” I asked as Harry laughed and drove towards my impending doom.

 

**h.s**

 

My ears listened as Laura and Colin sang and danced while Jessi got the main dances blocked with props and the help of Ryan. In another studio across the way everyone was going over and over and over the dances for the whole cast numbers with the dance captains. So far the rehearsal had been smooth, they had stretched, warmed up and Louis worked on a few moves he wasn’t getting for his scene with Colin before they started to run though the dances and getting to polish them up before we put it all together and get all the small parts together. I was on my laptop setting up interviews with Broadway outlets, we needed to get the Playbill cover finalized, and we started to ramp up our plan for marketing when we bring the show to Chicago to trial run it for the month we had set out.

“Okay,” Gavin said as he set his script down and began to go through what they needed to accomplish today. I only half listened as I replied to emails, texts and was responding to tweets that people had sent to the account. I had set up a time with Playbill to come and get some shots and clips of the show. I also was making plans with BIC for marketing and just normal stuff for the show. I would catch myself pausing and looking up at Louis and just smiling as he danced or sang out a few notes, or even when he would laugh I would stop and see what was going on. Louis has gone on and on about Damien and warned me that today was going to be a shit day but so far it has been like any normal day at work. Laura had brought in some kind of treat for everyone, Colin said she was fattening him up and Louis ate too many and got a stomach ache.

“Colin, Lou, while we work on this,” Jessi said referring to Laura’s number. “If you guys want to get up and warmed up on the bar with the mirror and get your legs stretched and work on those feet movement with tap,” Jessi said with a smile as Colin pulled Louis up off his ass as they headed to go warm up and talk over a few things. I was trying away and Gavin was talking with Hayley as she stretched out to get her body nice a limber when the door to the studio opened with a loud BANG and a hungover man who I assumed was Damien walked in with a coffee in his hand, sunglasses covering his eyes and a scowl on his face. My eyes immediately started to Louis who I wanted nothing more than to run over there and protect him from Damien like a shield. While I feared he was going to sink back into his shell as a defense mechanism he just stood there, no expression on his face, just a look of annoyance in his eyes.

_ Shit _ .

I didn’t know what else to do or say as he strode towards Gavin. His head turned as he looked towards Louis. “Nice of you to wake me,” he hissed his words coming out like venom as he turned his head towards Gavin. “I’m sure your behavior is the product of Gavin since he thinks I’m the devil and that you aren’t,” he hissed as he took Jessi’s chair and sat down. The entire room was spent as they either looked at Gavin or down at the ground, fearful if they made eye contact with Damien he would open his mouth, fire would come out and we would all die.

“Nice of you to show up sober,” Gavin retorted as Damien gave him a look. “Okay, why don’t we star Laura’s dance.”

“Where is Louis’ solo dance?” Damien asked as there was a long pause from Jessi who looked at Ryan. “The star of the show would have several solo dances.”

“I’m not lead,” Louis said as he broke the silence in the room. “I’m supporting actor.”

I thought Damien’s head was going to pull an  _ exorcist  _ and turn around 360 degrees at the sound of Louis not being lead.

“Don’t be an ass, Damien, you knew all along it was in my contract the character I was playing and it was never going to be P.T Barnum.”

Damien whipped his head back to Gavin, “you said he was going to have a role of a lifetime.”

“He does.”

“I do.”

“Bullshit.”

_ Shit. _

“Do you have a love interest?” Damien finally asked as he looked back at Louis. 

“Yes.”

“Female?”

I watched as Louis’ eyes rolled so far into his head that I thought they would roll back into his actual brain.  _ Why the eye roll  _ I thought keeping my eyes on what was going down and my hands on my keyboard to make it seem like I was working when in reality I wasn’t - I was invested in the CW drama that was about to go down between Damien and whoever crossed his path of destruction.

“Yes,” he finally said.

“Good.”

Glancing over I saw Laura was about to open her mouth and speak up when she looked at me and I shook my head no. It wasn’t that I wanted Louis to go at this alone - it was the simple fact that Damien was bat shit crazy and she didn’t need to get wrapped up in his petty ways.

Standing up Gavin motioned to the door and started to lead Damien to the hallway,  “If you want to talk about this, we can do it outside, Damien, let Laura work on her number and we ca-”

“Fuck this,” he hissed. “I get here last night and you are on this white fucking high horse acting like who you are is gone,” he said as he turned his attention back to Louis. “You are the same, pathetic, little boy who doesn't know how to do anything but get drunk, get high and fuck up every job that you have for the simple fact that you aren’t a good actor. You are a subpar actor and that is all you will ever be.”

“Out.” Gavin said, his voice was still and deep as he grabbed Damien’s hand like a child and dragged him out of the studio and into the hallway. I watched Louis’ face flush red, his eyes looked down as he stared at his feet and everyone was silent. If a pin dropped it would be the loudest thing in the room and no one would look at each other for no one knew that the fuck to say. I haven't felt this uncomfortable since being at Niall’s house and having his mum yell at his brother for getting busted at a party in Uni for drinking. After several moments which seemed like hours Ryan cleared his throat and he began to direct Laura and Sal while Hayley sat on the ground looking over at Louis while Colin stretched out.

“Sorry,” I said as my mobile rang. Looking down at the screen I saw it was Niall and while him calling wasn’t odd - it was that he was calling whilst I was at work and whilst he was at work as well. “Hey,” I said answering the call as I got up and headed towards the door. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Niall said as I pushed the door open, I made my way past Gavin and Damien having it out and walked into the stairwell. “Like physically yes but no otherwise.”

My gut dropped as I sat down on a step to brace myself for the bad news.

“My boss pulled me into his office today and he wants me to go with a team to Florida to help shoot a video series,” he began and I knew where this was heading. “And it’s during the time I was suppose to be in Seattle for Rosie’s birthday.”

I could kill him for making me worry. Feeling my heart rate go back to normal I took a deep breath in, “it’s okay mate,” I assured him. “You had me thinking it was something bad.”

“It is, I don’t get to see Isabella or Rosie! It’s heartbreaking for me,” Niall told as he amped up the drama. “I feel rotten.”

“You lied to me!” I heard a voice yell. “You said he was going to be the main guy and then he isn’t. This was just a stunt you pulled to get him here so he wouldn’t be around me, isn’t it?”

As Niall talked my attention faded from him and I was trying to listen to what was happening between Gavin and Damien. Standing up I moved closer to the door to hear. I wanted to pay attention in case I had to call the cops or even break up a fight myself.

“I said the role would help him. It has,” Gavin argued back. “All you have done is drain him, make him into a hollow shell of a man that he isn’t. Now he is thriving Damien, you should be so happy right now. But instead you come in here hungover and probably high.”

“You have always looked down on me,” he hissed back. “If you didn’t want him to turn into the person he was why the fuck did you introduce him to me?”

“I was trying to help my brother.”

My eyes grew wide as I realized that Niall was still talking, “hey Nialler I’ve gotta bounce. I’ll call you later,” I explained as I hung up and left the stairwell.

“Well you fucked up my friend. Louis has been a washed up actor since day one. No talent just a pretty face and now that he is older - we’ll that doesn’t even work for him,” Damien told him. “You are getting his hopes up for a lost cause, he will never make it back in LA. All he has now is his reputation and if you let that go he has nothing to stand in. He is just another bland face in a big bland crowd and you, you my dear brother did that to him,” he said with a smile I knew was just to get under Gavin’s skin.

“Oh, and this one,” he said as he pointed to me. “How can you allow him to work on the show? Not only has he refused to do  _ anything  _ I’ve told him. But he keeps giving Louis puppy dog eyes and that is going to-,”

“What, what is it going to, Damien?”

“HE ISN'T GAY! Don’t try and make this about that you fucking ass.”

I don’t know what came inside of me. It was a mixture of rage, sadness and overall done feeling with Damien. “You must be the most daft human ever,” I said the words leaving before I could stop them. Damien stopped and looked at me as if I had several heads and one of them was purple.

“Yeah?”

“The simple fact that you see the Louis that is right now in there dancing and singing as a failure is mind-boggling to me. The man that is in there has been busting his arse off to keep up with everyone in the show. He has had to adapt and gain self confidence that had been torn down over the years,” I told him as I had to hold it together before I broke down crying at how proud I was of Louis. “The man  _ in there  _ is worth every applause he gets, every young boy and girl who ask him to sign their playbill, every good feeling he has by a job well done he deserves and you don’t get to take that away from him.”

Gavin stood there with a look on his face to where I wasn’t sure if he was going to hoist me on his shoulders and run up and down the street like I just won a sporting event or give me a kiss and grovel at my feet. I had a lot of questions for Gavin but those were on the back burner until we felt with Damien. Damien’s brown eyes darted from me to Gavin and then back to me and finally rested on Gavin. His mouth opened and closed like a fish on land trying to breathe but there was no water around for them. “You are going to let  _ him  _ talk to  _ me  _ like that?”

“Yep,” he told him. “You can rant and rave all day about what’s good for Louis but in the end it’s what’s good for you and Louis is just an afterthought,” Gavin told him flatly. “My team, this family and Harry actually care about Louis. As a person. Not just another actor that we can use and abuse like you have done since he was 16. I should have never introduced him to you. I am the reason he was in that place and I wanted to do right by him and give him a proper chance. So you can rant and rave all you want but due to the contract you didn’t read Louis is tied to this project until it’s done. And,” he said as he held up his hand to shut down anything he was going to say. “If you breach that contract I will sue you and make sure that you are as ruined as Louis would be.”

“You will pay,” Damien said as he looked at me. Rolling my eyes at what I hoped was an empty threat I turned on my head and headed back into the studio. I heard Gavin and Damien hiss a few things back and forth at each other before Gavin walked back into the studio. I took my seat behind my computer and watched as Louis stood there and flashed me a smile as a thank you.

“Sorry about that guys,” Gavin said as he took a seat and grabbed his script. “Let’s see what you got, Laura,” he said as the piano began to play and we went on with rehearsal like nothing happened.

 

**l.t**

 

My body wasn’t in as much pain as I thought it would be as Gavin called an end to the day. All I knew was Damien was still in New York. I didn’t want to go home and I had an American Express card burning a hole in my pocket to be used with his name on it. Before I would have rushed to get drunk or even stoned but now, now I wanted none of that. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I wanted to stay near Harry to make sure I didn’t fuck up. I also wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to stand up from the ground which my arse was so comfortably perched on - so who knows? Maybe I would just stay here all night. Postmate some food and sleep there alone and in the dark.

“Nice job, Lou,” Laura told me as she patted my back and headed on out.

“You too, Laura,” I called out as she blew me a kiss and I looked over to where Harry was packing up his bag. Gathering the energy I had I pushed myself up off the wood floor and slowly hobbled over to my duffle. My shoes clicked with each step. I was dreading going home, I knew what was waiting for me. One very pissed off Damien in my flat ready to pounce on me. So going home wasn’t an option and I felt bad asking Harry to crash at his place again, both he and Niall had already done so much for me it felt as if I was being selfish with their hospitality. Sitting back down I removed my tap shoes, slipped on my vans and pulled out my mobile to order some clothes from Target and check on hotels in the area.

Looking up as Gavin talked with Jessi I saw the pain in his eyes. I had never realized he felt responsible for what happened to me. I also didn’t think he would ever let the cat out of the bag that Damien was his brother for the entire world to know. I know that I was the cause of the grey hair, the sleepless nights and the guilt of what happened to me. He has done his best to act like nothing happened and went on with rehearsal like normal but we all felt this odd tension in the air which was partially caused by me. But more than that, the words Harry said were still whirling around in my head. It was both out of and in character for Harry and it felt nice to know he was there in my corner.

“Boom,” I said to myself as I booked the hotel and got the confirmation email from Target about my order being ready to pick up. I zipped up my duffle and stood up as me, Harry and Gavin all gathered around to finally discuss what happened.

“So, I’m sorry about today,” I said breaking the silence as Gavin shook his head at me. “I thought he was drunk enough to stay passed out.”

“It’s not your fault,” he said holding the bridge of his nose. “My brother is a rotten son of a bitch and acts like a toddler when he doesn’t get his way. There is nothing that me, you or the universe could do to stop his actions.”

“You okay?” Harry asked me as he grabbed my arm and gave it a squeeze. I nodded my head and tried to fake a smile.

“I just feel so fooking embarrassed by his actions and everyone hearing that and just, bleh,” I said as I turned to Harry. “I told you he is a prick.”

“The biggest one I know,” Gavin chummed in as we all chuckled. “Do you need a place to stay?”

I shook my head, “no, I think I have it figured out but thank you for the offer,” I told him adjusting the bag on my shoulder. “You have done enough and I couldn’t ask you to do anymore.”

I knew that Gavin wasn’t a fan of that answer but he gave me a pat on the back and Hary and I made our way out of the studio and headed on towards his car. “So, do you have plans tonight?” I asked Harry as I turned around and walked backwards towards the lift. Harry’s eyebrow arched as he was confused as by what I was asking.

“What are you up to?” he asked me as he pushed the lift button and we waited.

“Why do you have this tone that what I want is something bad?” I asked him as the door opened and we walked in. My legs about to give out if I didn’t sit down and get ice on them soon. Harry just looked at me and I rolled my eyes as I leaned against the wall and went on to tell him what I was cooking up. “Have you ever stayed at Four Seasons?” I asked him as the door opened and we made our way to his car. I kept walking and stopped when I realized that Harry wasn’t behind me. Spinning around I stopped to see what was wrong with him, he was just standing there. “You okay there, mate?”

“Who asks ‘have you ever stayed at a Four Seasons’ like you ask someone if they have had a Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks,” he told me as I shrugged.

“So, was that a no?”

“It’s a hard no, I’m not made of money,” Harry laughed as he blinked a few times at me before he shook his head and started to walk again towards his car. “Why?”

“I booked a three bedroom suite and I was wondering if you and the rest of your gang would want to join me and spend an obscene amount of money on Damien’s card,” I told him as I held the door open and we walked out in the night sky towards his car. “I ordered clothes from Target that I need to pick up so I don’t need to go home,” I explained as he unlocked the car and I set my backpack on the backseat and sat down in the passenger side. “Do you think they would want to join?” I asked as Harry sat down in the driver's seat and turned to me.

“Seriously?,” Harry laughed. “Sorry, no one has ever asked me if I wanted to spend the night at The Four Seasons,” he said as he put the car in drive. “Where is the Target?”

I set my mobile in his holder on the windshield as I grabbed his mobile and pulled up his messages to send it out to the rest of his small clan of friends. “I have no other plans than to sit on my arse, watch telly and eat a shit ton of room service whilst charging it all to Damien,” I explained as I put his mobile back into the cup holder and smirked. “If he wants me to act like a diva I will do it towards him and him only.”

Shaking his head he turned and we pulled into the parking garage where Target was. “Go and get your stuff and I will pick up some tea, milk and sugar for the room - as much as I want to stick it to Damien I want proper tea this evening,” he told me as we got out of the car and headed into Target as his car made a beeping sounds to let us know that it was locked. “I’m not much for bougie tea.”

“You are a simple man,” I told him.

“Ta,” he said with a bow as I went toward guest service and he went back to find his tea bags.  
  
  


**h.s**

 

I felt like the cliche character who walks into a big city house / hotel / just the city itself and their mouth drops in awe and amazement for they had never seen anything so grand and beautiful, and just mesmerizing as they had at that moment. That was me when I walked into The Four Seasons. I did my best to keep my mouth shut as Louis checked us all in, we handed our bags off to the bellhop as the man behind the desk walked around and went to show us to our room. I wasn’t sure what to say so I just kept in stride with Louis as he made small talk with the front desk worker.

“Is there anything else that we can get for you, Mr. Tomlinson?” Brad asked as we entered the lift and we made our way up to the 50 something floor.

“I have two more mates, Liam Payne and Katelyn Sawyer that are still on their way,” Louis explained to him. “So when they arrive if you can just let them know where their room was and help with with their bags,” he told him. “The menus for room service are in there, correct?” 

“Yes, Sir,” Brad said.

“Brilliant, if you can get some hot water for tea sent up? This one has been itching for his cuppa and we haven’t had it yet after work,” he joked as he nudged me and I smiled.

“That it?”

He looked at us and we just nodded. We weren’t sure what to say for this was all new to us.  All I could do was nod my head. Louis turned back to Brad, “that is all, thank you so much Brad and sorry for spouting out these things. It has been a long day at work and my brain is at the point if I don’t say it now I will forget.”

“That also comes with old age,” I said as Louis shot me a look and I just flashed him a smile back.

As the lift doors opened Brad escorted us to the room, opened the door and held it for us as we walked in, and Louis talked a bit more with Brad. As soon as my feet hit the ground I felt my mouth drop as I stood there and looked around The Gotham Suite that we were staying at. Whilst I adventured around and got a layout for this place I took everything all in, for I wasn’t sure when the hell I would be back at a place like this. The main living area had two couches that faced each other, on the right side there was a wall of floor to ceiling windows that looked over Manhattan. I felt like a mix of someone in  _ Gossip Girl  _ or  _ Mary Tyler Moore  _ and I wasn’t sure what one I wanted to feel more. On the left side there was a fireplace and over that was a telly. Walking from the couches there was a table fit for 12 and a small kitchenette where we could house the milk for the tea that was in the Target bag the bellhop had. As we left the main living area my hand ran over the top of the piano that was there.

_ Maybe Louis would play us something  _ I thought. He had never told me that he could play, but I had seen a youtube video, or several of him playing. I mean, if Niall got drunk enough he would get there and gam out to a Queen karaoke hour. Looking around I didn’t know where Niall was but I had an idea. Cecilia had taken a seat on the couch and was just enjoying all that was around us.

“Liam and Kate get the shit room,” Niall’s voice rang out from the hallway. I was going to ignore him until Louis showed the bellhop what bags go where. “Oi, ta in there with that one and that one,” Niall told him as he walked into the room he had claimed. “The Target bags and that duffle goes in there,” he pointed to our room as Louis pulled out cash from his wallet and got it to tip the bellhop. Louis thanked him and as he took the cart and the room was ours. Cecilia had gotten up to pull out her stuff and put them in the bathroom and check out the room that Niall had claimed as theirs.

“Do you like?” Louis asked me as he nudged me with his elbow and I just stood there not sure how to process it all.

“It’s beyond amazing,” I told him. “I have never been in a place this amazing.”

“No?”

“I’m not a famous actor, and our family vacations weren’t like this,” I laughed as I turned to him. “Thank you for inviting all of us, it was, well beyond kind.”

Louis shrugged, “it would be depressing if I was here by myself,” he joked as he grabbed my arm and dragged me to the room. “Let’s go and see what room Niall has given us.” I wanted to drag my feet as he pulled me. I wasn’t sure what I was thinking but I knew that I wasn’t thinking that we were going to be sharing a room and then possibly even a bed. “I figured we would bunk together. I can take the couch and you can enjoy the comforts of a Four Seasons’ bed,” he told me as we walked into the room as I talked myself out of the 38 sexual situations that had popped up in my head that I wanted to do with Louis and to him when he said we were bunking together. As we walked into the room Louis stopped and looked at me since I had said nothing since he started talking about the room. “Are you okay, Harold?”

“Yeah,” my voice squeaked a bit as I cleared my throat. “I can sleep on the couch if -” Louis covered my mouth with his hand as he shook his head.

“No.”

My eyes rolled behind my glasses as he removed his hand I grabbed my duffle and began to unpack my toiletry bag, I pulled out out my clothes and shoved them in a drawer as Louis riffled through his target bags to get what he needed and put his clothes away as well. “What should we do first?” I asked as Niall’s head popped into the room.

“Food.”

“Let them unpack and we can look at the menu,” Cecilia said as there was a knock on the door. “I will also start the tea,” she told us as Niall followed her to get the tea made and the food chosen to order and shove in our faces.

I was pulling out the house coat that Niall had packed when several condoms fell from it and landed in the bottom of my duffle. I felt my chest tighten up, my face flush red as my hand scooped them up and ran out of the room. “NIALL FUCKING JAMES HORAN,” my voice called out and I saw him freeze in the kitchen area. I knew that my face showed how pissed off I was and by the look on his face he knew that he was scared at my reaction to the condoms in my bag.

“Is everything okay?” Louis asked as he walked out of the room. My body spun around as I tried to hide the handful of condoms behind my back.

“My bad,” Niall said as he walked over to me and took the condoms. “I wasn’t looking when I just tossed them into a bag,” he explained as he took them from my hand. “Sorry, mate.”

I knew that he was trying to save me but I knew that Louis was thinking that they were mine, and they were used with Benjamin. God, I was going to kill Niall. It might not be tonight but it would be eventually, and when he was least expecting it. I made my way back to unpacking while Niall hung his head and put the condoms in his bedroom, now we all knew that he had them whilst Cecilia knew that he had given them to me to go at it with Louis.

“Sorry,” I told Louis.

“We are all human.”

“Those aren’t mine,” I assured him which I felt was only making this worse. “Sorry. I’m going to drop it.”

Louis laughed a bit as he tossed the Target bags in the bin. “Again, we are all human.”

God, I looked like a fucking slut to him.

“Shall we see how much Niall is going to have us order?” I asked him wanting to get out of this room and situation. Before he could even reply I left the room and went to go and find Niall to see what he was up to and if I should kill him now or not. “Anything good?”

Niall looked up at me, he looked as if he was in food heaven as he looked back down to the menu. I took that as a yes as I glanced over and saw the note he had made on the food that he wanted to order. Part of me wanted to tell him that it was too much, but as Louis came around he smiled and added a few more things to the list. “Did Liam and Kate say when they would arrive?”

“No, they had a wedding meeting things,” Cecilia told him as she checked her mobile. “Um, they said they were going to bring some beer and I told them that they didn’t need to but Liam insisted so that is a thing,” she laughed as she moved to her knees and turned and looked at Louis who was standing behind the couch. “How against it would everyone be if we stripped the beds and build a massive fort to eat and watch movies in?

Without saying a word Louis and I ran into each of the rooms and began to strip the beds of sheets and blankets. By the time we got back to the living room Niall had placed the order and he and Cecilia had moved the couches, chair and table to get the base of the fort ready as we began to drape and teather down the sheets to transform the entire living room into one massive fort for adults. “I texted Gemma and told her the sad news about me not being able to come,” Niall said as we moved a coffee table into the middle of the fort to place all the food on once it arrived. “I feel horrible for not being able to go.”

“You didn’t choose work to be stupid,” I assured him as we crawled out and stood back to look at our handy work. “Rosie will have another birthday, and we will have another trip to Seattle together. I just might end up killing my sister’s mother in law with Gemma,” I laughed as Cecilia came back dressed down in yoga pants and an oversized jumper. “Go change, because once you get in the fort I know you won’t want to leave,” She told Niall as he was about to roll his eyes but he knew that she was right so he listened and headed on into their room.

“When are you going to Seattle?” Louis asked me as we followed Niall’s idea and went to change out of our work clothes and into something more comfortable to lounge around in.

“My sister and husband live out there,” I explained as I grabbed my joggers and University jumper. “It’s my niece’s first birthday party and Niall was going to join me but he had a work thing so now it will be me going into battle alone to face Gemma’s beast of a mother in law who hates me,” I explained as I made my way back to the bathroom to change and let Louis change in the bedroom.

“Why?” asked Louis.

Sticking my head out of the bathroom I looked at him as he stood there a bit toned and shirtless. His joggers hitting right at his hip bone as I felt myself filling out my pants more than normal. “Because I’m gay,” I told him bluntly. “But I am what I am so she can deal.”

“I’m sorry.”

“That is life sometimes,” I said pulling the sleeves down on my University sweatshirt and heading out of the bathroom. “I have had my fair share of petty crap like that from people about my sexuality over the years that I’ve learned to just ignore it.”

I watched as Louis tried to think of something to say to me, but I wasn’t looking for sympathy. “How long will you be gone?”

“Just the weekend,” I assured him as there was a knock on the hotel room door. “Food?”

“Or Liam,” Louis said as we left the bedroom and went to go and see. I wanted to ask him why he wanted to know how long I was going to be gone for. I wanted to ask him if he wanted to come with me. I wanted to snog him in that king sized bed with a fire going and James Bay on in the background. I wanted to do a lot of things but for now I was going to help him get the food order for 40 people into the living area and set up on the tables we had lined up like a buffet line around where we were going to be sitting and watching movies.  
  


**l.t**

 

I listened to the water as Harry showered as everyone had turned in for bed. We had remade the bed and I had convinced him that he didn’t need to sleep on the couch and I didn’t need to sleep on the couch for the fact that we are adults and we can share a bed without one of us boning each other. But now as I waited for him to get out of the shower my mind thought about what Niall had said about Harry having to go to Seattle alone. Part of me wanted to offer to go with him. I thought it would be fun to meet Harry’s family, see Seattle and just get out of New York for a good reason and not because I hate it here. But, I didn't want to ask him and him to look at me like I was mental. Why would he want to bring a strange man to his sister’s house. I’m sure that his sister knew me as the asshat who treated Harry like a right dick when we started.

Leaning back I pressed my head onto the headboard and moaned internally. What was going on in my head? Was this what happens when people go mental? I wasn’t sure but I knew that I was slowly losing it. Reaching towards the bedside table I grabbed my mobile off the charger, unlocking it I pulled up whatsapp and was happy to see that my sister was online.

**Hey stranger - L**

**Says the man who hasn’t been online in ages - Eliza**

**How was work? - Eliza**

**Good, I did good. Knew my moves and could sing at the same time - L**

**Like a monkey - Eliza**

**Funny -___- - L**

**No, Damien showed up. He was worse than normal. Gavin pulled him out into the hallway to talk to him and Harry ended up giving him the mother of all lectures that scares the shut out of him and he left. - L**

**Shit. - Eliza**

**Well, he left rehearsal. I’m not sure if he is at my flat or not. Me, Harry, Niall, Cecilia, Liam and Kate are at a hotel. On Damien’s dime too - L**

**He wanted me to act like the dick of a human I was in LA so I will. To him only - L**

**Stick it to the man! - Eliza**

**So how is Harry? Sexy as ever - Eliza**

**He is in the shower - L**

**And you didn’t want to join him? - Eliza**

**ELIZABETH MARGARET JOHNSTON - L**

**LOUIS WILLIAM TOMLINSON - Eliza**

**I’m assuming he doesn’t know? - Eliza**

**No - L**

**Lou, I love you and not just because you are my brother and could be old enough to be my father. I say this as someone who cares deeply about you - TELL HIM! Everything that you have told me I’m 10000 percent sure that he would bone you right there in that hotel room without hesitation - Eliza**

**Same - Louis**

**You are frustrating sir - Eliza**

**He is going to Seattle in a few weeks and his mate Niall was suppose to go but can’t due to work and I kinda want to ask if he wants me to tag along - L**

**He is going for his nieces 1st bday. But I don’t want it to come off wrong - L**

**You are worse than Rachel when it comes to boys - Eliza**

**She best not. She is way to young! - L**

**Chill. Dad already gave her the talk as did mum. She has this crazy deep rooted fear one of us will get knocked up by 16 and ruin our lives. - Eliza**

**I have school so the boys can wait - Eliza**

**Good girl - L**

**Ask him, or better yet, tell him you would like to go. He will probably need backup. Most families have one crazy person - Eliza**

**Yeah. True. - L**

**Well. I’m off to bed. Love you big bro - Eliza**

**Love you to little sis - L**

Setting my mobile down on my bedside table the bathroom door opened and Harry came out, his hair was damp on his head as he had on a Uni shirt and joggers. I said nothing as I heard him humming to whatever he had been listening to whilst in the shower.

“Do you want me to turn up the heat?” I asked as Harry slid on his University Hoodie. His head popped up as he pushed his glasses up his nose. Whenever I saw him, he either had a jumper on or some sort of shirt where he had the sleeves down on. Maybe he was just always cold, or maybe he has a rubbish tattoo that he was trying to hide. I know that I had a few from drunken nights of stupidity around my body.

“No, I’m good,” he told me as he grabbed a pair of socks and made his way over to the bed. “Are you sure I can’t sleep on the couch? I know you said that you would and then you crawled into the bed and told me to stop being stupid but, I am stupid and I want to make sure that you are okay with this.” He told me as I waited for him to finish up so I could tell him the same answer I had told him the past several times he had asked me.

“We aren’t five, I think we can share a bed and not have the fear of you boning me in the middle of the night,” I told him as he paused and just looked at me. “What?”

“You sure?” He asked me yet again. As much as I loved his face I wanted to punch it to make him stop asking me these stupid questions. I nodded my head up and down. Harry let out a slight sigh as he tossed his mobile on the bed as I felt the bed dip as he sat at the end and slipped on his socks before he crawled from the bottom up to the top like a child. As he sat down he pulled the extra pillows and began to build the Great Wall of China between us.

“What the fook are you doing, weirdo?” I asked with a half laugh as I began to remove them.

“I will end up cuddling you,” he told me as if he was telling me that he was a drug addict and needed a hit. “It’s a bad habit. You can ask Niall - one day we fell asleep on the couch and it was like the episode of  _ FRIENDS  _ where Joey and Ross napped together,” he warned me as his eyes were wide behind his glasses. I just looked at him until he gave up and began to remove the pillows and put them back up by our heads. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” he told me with a side eye.

He was something else, this man. Shaking my head I just told him to hush. “Thanks for coming tonight,” I said to him as my hand fiddled with the tv remote. I was nervous and I wasn’t sure why, I mean I knew why but it was silly.  _ Get out of your head, Louis  _ I told myself. “I know I’ve said it about a million times, but thanks for saying those things to Damien, for keeping me company, and just everything.”

Harry’s face turned to me and behind his glasses his eyes lit up and his lips curved up into a smile. “Anytime, Louis,” he said with this warm genuine tone that I hadn’t heard in ages. His hand rested on my hand and gave mine a squeeze. “Damien is a dick.”

I let a deep belly laugh escape my mouth and fill the entire room. The way Harry would deliver phrases were comic gold. His face was deadpan serious as he looked at me and informed me that Damien in fact was a dick. I wanted to just rest my head on his shoulder and sit there and talk all night. I knew Niall and Cecilia were going at it due to the massive box of condoms I saw Harry shove at him. Liam and Kate probably went a few rounds. And then there was me. I wasn’t a virgin by any means. But I wasn’t someone who was active in sexual activities or practices. I had been with one guy once whilst in Spain with Eloise when she was with her boyfriend at the time and I found someone in a bar and used a fake name. I had been with a girl when they had Eloise and I break up for a month for press and Damien got me a hooker. She sucked me off and I had had enough. But there was something that I envied of Niall and Cecilia, and Liam and Kate. They were able to just give a slight touch, a kiss, even a look and it showed to the other they loved them. Sex was just a physical act and I wanted to be able to enjoy it, have fun doing it with a person I love and care about.

99% of me saw that being with Harry.

Maybe it was because he was so nice and caring.

Maybe it was because I was away from Damien and I could think about this without having this pain of guilt in my stomach that I was wrong.

Maybe it was because Harry looked at me and saw me and I didn’t have to hide.

Maybe it was because I was mad about this man and wanted to kiss his pink puffy lips.

Maybe it was because I knew he could do better than the booty call Benji and I wanted to be that. Or at least have him like that.

It was a lot of maybes and if I kept thinking about it my head was going to explode. “Question,” I said as Harry turned his head from the telly and gave me a look. “Would you want a companion in Seattle?”

“You offering?” He asked me.

_ Shit. This was pathetic.  _ I thought as I tried to think of what to say to him. But all that was going through my mind was nothing. Just blank space.

“Louis,” Harry said as he poked my arm. “I would love a companion - as long as you are okay with kids, travel and a crazy mother in law who will turn my sister in a murderer,” he told me.

Sure. Flying wasn’t my favorite thing in the world but maybe I wouldn’t mind it sober. I knew that I wanted to go. Maybe it was for selfish reason, or if I stopped and thought about it long enough, I knew that it was simply the fact that I wanted to spend time with Harry and I was afraid if I got bored while he was away I would get into trouble. “I wanna see Seattle,” I joked with him as he rolled his eyes. “And,” I added as I laid my head on his shoulder, “I wanna meet your family, have your sister love me and tell me all your deep dark secrets,” I joked with him as his mobile buzzed. “Work?”

Harry pulled it up and I didn’t catch a name but he quickly set it back down on the side table. “She probably will, she has no loyalty to me,” Harry joked with me as his phone buzzed again. “Sorry.” He hit ignore. “But, to be frank I’m not that interesting of a person?”

“I think a man who packs a few dozen condoms in his bag is very interesting,” I told him with an arched brow as his face turned bright red and he pulled the blankets up to to cover his face. “I’m joking,” I laughed. “Well, kinda. I know that Niall was the one who packed your bag.”

“I hate him.” He said muffled under the blankets.

“Oi,” I said pulling down the blankets as I looked at him, “I like seeing you this uncomfortable, I hope you know.”

“Well fuck you too,” he laughed back at me as he pushed the covers down and tried to give me an angry face which turned into us just laughing. “I swear I’m not a slut.”

“Again, I will find out via your sister in Seattle,” I assured him as his mobile went off yet again.

“Sod this,” he said as he turned off his mobile and looked at me. “Sorry. I didn’t want to talk but they didn’t get the hint.”

“Ben.”

Harry just looked at me.

“You can answer it if you want to,” I assured him as he just shook his head. I knew that there was more to his anger than him calling and not taking the hint of him not answering. “You sure?”

“Yes,” his tone was serious. “I am here with you and he can help himself if he is that bored with his new boy toy already.”

_ Oh shit _ . I thought.

“That came off sounding like a jealous ex. No, that is an annoyed ex who falls for his stupid shit each time and I’m not going to this time for I have, or at least I should have more self respect than that,” he told me as he began to flip through the channels on the telly. “I didn’t mean to put that baggage on you like that, Lou...”

I waved my hand up in the air, “you have been helping me cary mine, so I think I should return the favor for you,” I assured him. “Oh, stop!” I yelled as he went back and I nuzzled down into the bed. “Guilty pleasure show,” I said as Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry were judging biscuits. “Is this okay?” I asked looking up at him Harry smiled.

“Brilliant,” he assured me as he set the remote down on the bedside table and turned off the light. The telly was the only source of light and sound as we laid there and watched. Before I knew it I heard this deep breathing coming from Harry as he had curled up close to me, his eyes closed and his face looking like a child as he slept. I had this urge to lean over and kiss his temple but I just laid there and turned my attention back to the telly and tried to tire myself out to get some sleep before another long day of work.


	12. this is me

**harry**

 

It had been a long past few days. After the night at The Four Seasons my body has been recharged from that bed that was like sleeping on a cloud. Like I had told Louis, I had awoken half wrapped up on his body but he didn’t seem to mind and I had warned him that it was going to happen. But the rest of the week we had been hitting the ground running to get a lot of small things to a head and get them wrapped up. While Louis was needed at the studio I wasn’t so much so I was able to catch up on my photos and do the show stuff between gigs. But, I didn’t want to give up bringing Louis to work, so I enjoyed seeing him I would still bring him there and pick him up. Most of the nights we ended up having dinner together at his place or we would go to Cecilia’s and get amazing goodies that she was experimenting with. Today the day had seemed to drag on due to the amount of meetings I had with Broadway in Chicago, Playbill and a few other outlets as we set up TV stints when we got to Chicago, the marketing throughout the town and then Playbill to get an interview set up with Colin, Laura, Louis and Hayley. My head was throbbing as I drove Louis home.

He had been chatty, talking about places in Seattle he was looking up and asking me what places are worth going to see and I was so mentally out of it that I just nodded my head and wasn’t sure what he was saying. I felt bad that I was so distant but there was so much running around in my mind that I just wanted to collapse on my bed and sleep it off until the following morning. When I pulled up to Louis’ flat he turned and looked at me with a smile. “You okay? You seem off in la la land.”

I nodded. “A long day, and I’m ready to just face plant in my bed and sleep until my alarm goes off tomorrow,” I admitted to him. I could tell by the look of his face he wasn’t sure if I was telling him the truth. “I’m fine,” I assured him as I gave his hand a squeeze and flashed him a classic Harry smile. “If you don’t believe me you can call Niall and check up on me if you so need.”

“Oh,” Louis said as he got out of the car and bent down to look at me, “I shall.”

Louis gave me a wave as he made his way back up to his flat, and once he was in the door I put my car back into gear and made my way back home. I was okay, I was just wrestling around a few other personal things going on. I was starting to freak out about Seattle next week. I was trying my best to avoid Benjamin and he kept on calling and texting and it was beating me down to the point where I just wanted to reply to him to get him to stop, and that is when I stop and realize that is how he always gets me back for a booty call. I had over a thousand photos to edit and a long Facetime call with Gemma knowing that she was even more stressed than I was with this party and work.

_ Order dinner. _

_ Shower. _

_ Eat and edit photos. _

_ Facetime with Gemma _ .

I said as I made my to do list in my head. Niall was out with some work mates for a work thing that I only half listened when he told me this morning and I was half asleep whilst he was talking to me. Cecilia was out having to deal with her family which she was dreading and I was sure that she was going to end up at our flat with a bottle of Jack Daniels and getting us both pissed and Niall taking care of her, and me dying alone in my bedroom. But I will accept my fate and hope for the best.

**Ey, so I just got home from work and I need to get Rosie’s in bed and in her jimjams and then start on dinner. So can we push it back a half hour so I can get the mean cut and we can talk whilst I cook? - Gemma**

**Yes, I need to eat for the first time today and shower. I smell like an office and the outside - Harry**

**That makes no sense you weirdo - Gemma**

**Also dad says hello and wants to know why you don’t text him like you text me - Gemma**

**Oh hush! He knows I text him all the time. It’s him who doesn’t text back - Harry**

Ignoring my father’s cry for love and attention since my sister and I obviously didn’t give it to him I plugged my mobile in and gathered up joggers and a t-shirt since I wasn’t going out in public, and no one was coming over so I was free to relax fully. I dropped my clothes in the bathroom as the water warmed and I went back into my room to order my dinner so it arrived in a decent time. I was happy to get into the shower, my body was tired and I was glad to be alone in the flat so I could have a proper wank. I had been a bothered mess since the night of sleeping next to Louis. Everything about Louis had me hot and bothered the past few days. Whenever I looked at him I just pictured his chest which was toned but it wasn’t too muscular which I loved. I just kept thinking about the tattoos on his ribcage that was of a tree with roots. I thought about how his back was toned and he had a tramp stamp on his lower back on the left and the way his arse was a bubble and perfectly rounded.

“Fuck,” I whispered as I leaned my back against the shower wall and braced myself with my left hand while my right hand ran down my stomach and went to work on my cock. I hated that I had to do this, I knew I could call Ben and he would just show up - but I didn’t want that. I had the look of disappointment that Louis had given me when I told him about him calling. My knees shook as I climaxed and a wave of release shot through my body. “You need to get this under control, Harry, this isn’t healthy,” I said as I removed the shower head and cleaned myself off, and made sure everything was cleaned up from the shower. I wasn’t sure how I was going to survive Seattle. “A lot of shower wanks,” I joked with myself as I put the shower head back up and I finished washing and conditioning my hair. “I might even have to do it twice a day.”

 

***

 

“Wait,” Gemma said as her eyes grew wide as she stopped stirring the pasta sauce and looked down at the mobile screen at me. “The man that you want to f - u - c - k is coming with you to here?” Her face was both confused and happy which worried me even more than normally when I bring someone home or to a family function.

“Gemma!” I yelled as my voice went up several octaves.

“Harry!” She yelled back going up a few octaves to mock me. I hated her and loved her at the same time.

The last guy that I introduced to my family that was a potential ‘one’ was Benjamin. I know that she was thinking that I was just testing the waters with Louis, but I wasn’t. I wanted to get into more detail with her about how much I was crushing on Louis. That I wanted to push him up against a wall, press my lips up against his and just take him and make him scream my name so loud that we get a noise complaint. But my father was within earshot as were two pairs of little ears that I didn’t need hearing either. But for now, it was just me thinking about Louis, my hand and a shower or two to help with my issue.

“He offered to come, and why would I say no?” I asked her as she narrowed her eyes at me. “What is the harm in bringing him?” I knew the harm. Blue balls. “We are friends,” I insisted as I realized the more I talked the more pathetic I sounded to anyone who was listening to me.

Gemma hit the soon on the side of the pot as she turned the heat down and took a fork to pull out a noodle to test the doneness of it. “What is funny, I know that whole we are friends line. I used that about Seb,” she said setting the fork down and turned off the burner under the pasta and water. “Which is code for we were fucking and didn’t tell anyone we were in a relationship.”

“Language!” I heard my father yell at my sister. Both Gemma and I rolled our eyes at his comment. He never liked when we swore but once we moved out he wasn't able to control us anymore. “Hello, Harry.”

“Hey, dad!” I called out to him. I knew that he was sitting at the kitchen table giving Rosie some fruit before her dinner for she was going to be turning into bed as soon as their dinner was done. “How has Gemma been treating you?”

“You know, your sister spoils me,” he called out as Gemma went MIA as she went to strain the pasta and get it back in the pot and mix it with the sauce and meatballs. “So, does Louis know that your family is crazy?” 

I couldn’t help but laugh at this and then I quickly covered my mouth. “Yes, but he is okay with it,” I assured him. “But, we aren’t a thing. We are friends and he is coming with me so he isn’t bored during the long weekend off.”

“Why doesn’t he go home?”

“Home is Doncaster.”

“Oh,” I knew what my father’s face looked like. It was the same damn face that Gemma made when I told her about Louis. Her brows rose, her eyes grew a bit and there was this sparkle behind them and the way she said ‘oh’ was light as if it was the only thing to say without saying what was really going on in her mind.

Setting the pot on the stove Gemma smiled at me evilly as she picked up the mobile as she went to check on the bread that was in the oven as she moved me over to the island where she was prepping salad. “So, how was the Four Seasons?”

“Brilliant,” I laughed as I ran my hands through my hair. I wasn’t sure what else to say, it was such a serial experience that I wasn’t even sure if it had actually happened. “I felt like I was in a dream and I wasn’t sure if I was going to wake up and be back in my flat,” I explained to her as Gemma laughed, shaking her head as she chopped the lettuce. “Remind me to get a haircut tomorrow, I look like a poor Uni student - I have been so busy with the show fulfilling my appointments for photos that my hair is getting too long and the curls are taking over.”

Shaking her head Gemma let her curls hit the sides of her face as she looked at me through the hair in her face. “I need mine trimmed a bit. I also am  _ dying  _ to get some color in it. I haven’t colored it since I found out I was pregnant with Rosie.”

“Shit, really?”

Gemma nodded. “But, that topic is for another time when there is no little ears around,” she said and I knew that there was going to be a long story behind it. “Issadora is beyond thrilled that you are coming to celebrate Rosie’s first birthday.”

I knew that she was also happy I was coming so I would be able to be with her while Seb’s satan of a mother was showing off Rosie to her friends that she invited that Gemma didn’t want there. I could see the stress breakout on the side of her mouth on the left side, I had the same breakout on my face from this show and this trip, and the engagement photoshoot I had tomorrow evening after work and before I have to pack. I needed to get better on travel time management.

“What?” Gemma asked as I was silent for a bit as she put the carrots, tomatoes and cucumber in the lettuce in the small bowls that she had for them. “Oh, this?” she asked pointing to her face. “ La madre de Seb me está volviendo loca. Escucho su voz mientras duermo y rezo para que Rosie se enferme, así que tenemos que cancelar la fiesta ( _ Seb's mother is making me crazy. I hear her voice in my sleep and I am praying that Rosie gets sick so we have to cancel the party _ .)” Gemma said as she busted out her college Spanish. She hated talking ill of Seb’s mother, even when he agreed with her she still felt bad and didn’t want Isabella or Rosie to hear it.

“Sorry,” I told her as my ability to speak Spanish was at a 0 but I could understand it fairly well still. Walking up to the island Seb gave me a wave as he grabbed the bowls of salad and brought them over to the table while I heard a set of feet come galloping down the stairs for dinner. “I will let you go,” I said as Gemma’s attention went to Rosie and Isabella as there was a crash and a cry. 

“Gem, darling get some towels.”

I saw the panic in her face.

“Love ya,” I said hanging up the phone call and knowing that they would end up having to bring her to the ER while my dad put Rosie down and package up dinner, and they would eat cold pasta once they put Issadora down. How? This was her life and my sister loved every single second of it and I longed to have that. I longed for a husband, a house with three kids running around, laughing, fighting, ripping on each other in the best way possible. I wanted a house full of love. Setting my mobile down on my desk my eyes went back to the computer as I pulled up a few candid photos I had to move to my mobile to get posted on the Instagram for the show while I was out of town to make sure that it was active daily - and I didn’t have my laptop so it didn’t look like I was actually working. “Why did you do this, Harry?” I asked myself as I slid my glasses up onto the top of my head and pinched the bridge of my nose and closed my eyes. Maybe this wasn’t going to be as bad as I thought. Who was I kidding, this was going to be as bad as I thought.

 

***

 

I had put my laptop away and I was sitting next to Louis as the cast was about to run through ‘This is Me.’ This was the last song of the day until we were done for the day. Well most of us, a few of the members had interviews they were going to head to after this to help promote the show. We had a long weekend to rest while the sets and costumes were altered and we would all come back on Monday and start on the small details, and get the aeroal bars in the studio to get Hayley and Louis more practice and so they could show off all they have been working towards. I was caught up on emails, interviews, I had gotten the playbill cover finalized and was getting the cast bios in by the end of the weekend so I could get to work on making sure they would all fit and get the tech, the orchestra, all that set and ready to go to print. I had a follow up call with Broadway in Chicago when I got back to go over the promo again and head out to take some stock photos and edit in what we needed to. I was ready to enjoy my weekend with my family and Louis.

_ Oh Louis. _

“Okay,” Gavin said as he stood in front of everyone. “I want to thank you all for your hard week these past few days and for baring with us for some changes that we didn’t expect. So,” he said clapping his hands, “we are going to leave on a happier note, and Keala and the ensemble showing off their hard work they have put in with this number,” he explained to us as Louis nudged me with his elbow.

“You going to be okay watching this number?” Laura asked me as she slid in next to me.

I shook my head, “God no.”

“You ready and packed for Seattle?” she asked as Keala and the ensemble got set up on our stage.

“No,” I told her.

“Yes,” Louis said.

Laura looked at me and then at Louis and she just smiled, and turned her attention back to Keala as everyone took their place and Gavin gave them the sign to go. The entire room went silent as Keala took a deep breath in and she began to sing. Her eyes were closed as she got into not only the headspace but also got herself emotionally ready for the words she was about to sing. Even before working on this show, this song had touched me to the core and most of the time I would end up crying, and I knew that I was going to be a mess today for I had always made sure that I was not in the room when they performed this song so I would save my face but now I had no chance for I was all caught up on work, I didn’t have any photo shoot to run off to and use that as an excuse. I had to sit there and try my best not to sob like a child.

“One, two, three,” Keala counted in as she tapped her thigh and began the song. “I am not a stranger to the dark, hide away, they say, ‘cause we don’t want your broken parts. I’ve learned to be ashamed of all my scars. Run away, they say, no one’ll love you as you are. But,” Keala sang as the room was silent and her voice filled the entire room. “I won’t let them break me down to dust. I know that there’s a place for us. For we are glorious,” she belted out.

“When the sharpest words wanna cut me down. I’m gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out. I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be. This is me. Look out ‘cause here I come, and I’m marching on to the beat I drum. I’m not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, this is me.”

“Oh-oh-oh-oh. Oh-oh-oh-oh. Oh-oh-oh-oh. Oh-oh-oh-oh. Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh,” the ensemble sang out.

“Another round of bullets hits my skin. Well, fire away ‘cause today, I won’t let the shame sink in. We are bursting through the barricades and reaching for the sun.

As Keala sang the ensemble echoed after, “we are warriors.”

“Yeah, that’s what we’ve become. I won’t let them break me down to dust, I know that there’s a place for us. For we are glorious,” she sang out as the music seemed to fill everyone’s soul and we all sat there clapping and stomping as we kept the beat as I watched a few tears escape Keala’s face.

Pulling out my mobile I began to do a livestream on Instagram to see if people were turning in, and they were. As I recorded, I was reading the comments and it made me thrilled that people outside of the show were just as excited for it as the entire cast was.

“I gotta piss,” Louis said as I looked at him and his eyes grew wide as he saw that I was doing a live video. “Oops,” he said.

“Say Hi Louis,” I laughed as I turned the camera to him and the fans seemed to find it funny as I turned back to Keala as Louis got up from my side and made his way to the toilets. I finished the video in a few seconds, set my mobile face down in my lap and I finished watching the performance with Laura. I knew her face was full of questions, but she was going to keep it to herself until she was home and would text me. As the song came to an end my chest grew a bit tight and I was proud of myself as I kept the tears in - but my chin did quiver a bit and I did almost lose it several times. Before I knew it Louis was in the back of the studio and clapping as he gave Keala a thumbs up, and Laura jumped up onto her feet and ran over to her and engulfed her in a hug. Checking my watch, I stood up and headed to grab my stuff, I was going to need to drop Louis off and then get to my photoshoot for engagement photos.

“See everyone on Monday!” Gavin called out as everyone dispersed and we grabbed our bags, and everyone began to file out in small groups and went on their way. Slinging my bag across my chest I waited as Louis grabbed his duffle and we headed on out. A few people stayed back to speak to Gavin and work on a few moves before the weekend. As we walked towards the lift as Louis walked close to me and I had to push him back as he moved closer and closer to me. He had been in a rare mood today, a good rare mood. “You both have fun in Seattle. Don’t let Louis get into too much trouble.”

“Can’t stop me,” Louis joked as we headed on out and made the way to my car. “So, I will be be at your place at like 4?”

I flashed Louis a thumbs up as he laughed at me. “No, that is perfect. Are you sure that you don’t want me to drive?”

“No, why waste that money?” Louis told me as he curled up in a ball in the passenger side as I drove. “So, I listened to your packing list, but I might have panicked and looked up the closest Target to your sister’s in case I need to get clothes last minute,” he laughed as I tried to act like he was crazy, but I had done the same thing. I had even thought of having my father pick up some clothes that I ordered tonight so that they would be there when I arrived and just act like it was normal when in fact I was starting to have a freakout and I didn’t know what to do.

“No, I’m sure that it will be fine. I will be in skinny jeans and oversized jumpers all week with a jacket and boots.”

“So, your normal clothes?”

“Fancy jumpers,” I corrected him as I poked Louis in the side and watched him jerk in his seat as I turned down his street. “No, I had to dig through several boxes to find my winter clothes,” he admitted to me. “And, before you ask me I will unpack eventually, so let me live my life, Styles.”

“I think you hit a sore spot with yourself there, Tomlinson,” I said as I pulled up to the front of his flat and put my flashers on. “I will see you in the morning, please know that I will be looking like a homeless University student so please don’t come all posh and nice looking for this cross country flight.”

Louis’ eyes lowered and he looked at me as if I was crazy. “Because I dress posh  _ all the time _ ,” he laughed getting out of the car and grabbing his bag from the boot. “See ya in a few hours, Styles.”

Checking for a car, I turned the flashers off and made my way back home. I needed to get in the shower and take care of the issue that was in my pants before I tried to pack for this weekend. I played it cool with Louis even though I was as stressed as he was about my clothes. I knew that I shouldn’t be but with the mix of my sister trying to play matchmaker with me and Louis, Seb’s mother judging me and how I dress, and wanting to look cool and put together without looking like I tried way to hard to impress Louis.

“You are acting like you are 16 all over again and you are trying to find the courage to ask Dan out to the spring fling,” I told myself out loud as I hit the Jersey Turnpike and made my way home. “It’s Louis. Just dress like you normally dress. He doesn’t care what you wear since he sees you as a friend and not this idea that you have come up with,” I said out loud. I was having an issue trying to keep this all in but the more I thought about it the more I wanted it to be true. “I mean, he has been a bit more, more since The Four Seasons.” God, I was getting to that point where I was going to talk and talk until I convinced myself that what I think actually happened. “Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk,” I let out in a long sigh as I turned the music up and hoped that it would drown out the thoughts and just bring me back to where I needed to be. Focused so I could go home and pack, shower, eat and sleep.

Once I got home, I pulled my car into the parking spot, pulling everything out of the car I awkwardly made my way into the flat, into the lift and up to the flat. My arms were doing their best as I had my work bag, an extra bag of bios from the cast that I needed to scan in for I was weird and wanted a hard copy to make sure that I had it along with samples of playbills and ideas for marketing in Chicago. I then had my camera bag that was filled with my life and my tripod strap for my camera was slowly sliding down my shoulder as the lift doors opened and I fumbled with my keys in my hand as I stuck it into the door, turned the knob with my entire body as I pushed the door open with my foot. As I stood in the entryway of the flat my arms gave out and my work bag slid down my shoulder, my tripod crashed to the ground and the bag of papers spilt out all over around me.

“Shit.”

“Oi!” Niall called out as I heard him run down the steps. “Do you want to get some food delivered so we can have a night in before we both leave tomorrow - what happened here?”

Looking up at him I set my bag with my laptop down and began to collect the papers. “Yeah, you can pick and you can order, I have to get a load of laundry in and I have to pack and get stuff together,” I explained to him as I pushed myself up off the ground and set my bag of papers on a kitchen table chair, I laid my tripod across the table as I took my laptop bag and camera bag up the steps with me. “I’m fine, I just need to get a load of laundry in so it will be dry when I need to pack it. I also need to shower.”

“I put shower cleaner in there,” Niall called up as I stopped in the loft and looked down at him. “I’m not stupid, Harry, trust me, I know when a man has been wanking off daily.”

_ My life _ .

“Just order some food.”

Leaving Niall in charge I went on my way of knocking out what was on my list. I got the load of laundry in and washing while I showered and got the day of dirt off of me, I also was able to think about Louis as he danced with Hayley and wank off to help relax a bit more. Once I had cleaned myself up from the wank, I cleaned up the shower, finished washing my hair and made my way back down to put my laundry in the dryer and I went back to pack my smaller camera bag in my carry on and pulled out not only my suitcase but grabbed my toiletry bag from the bathroom and set it in my suitcase as my clothes laid around it. I had no idea what I was going to wear. Whenever my mind thought of an outfit in my head I just made a face and didn’t like it. But the reasons were stupid, it was the fact that I didn’t think that Louis would like it. Or that if we took a photo I would look frumpy and like a bum. Removing my glasses from my face, I pinched the bridge of my nose as I tried to suppress the migraine that was forming from the lack of food, the presence of stress and the fear of looking bad in front of Louis.

_ “Are you seriously going to wear that out, Harry?” Ben asked me as I stood in the hallway in his flat. My eyes looked down at my clothes, I had on a pair of my nice trousers on, a jumper and some boots on. My head turned back up to Ben and looked at him confused. “Those shoes, Harry, do you want people to walk past you and be like ‘gay’?”  _

_ “I think they might say that when they see us holding hands,” I pointed out to him as he ushered me into his flat. “Are you seriously upset about these?”  _

_ Ben nodded as his head was in his mobile, “I will get you a new pair of shoes and we can pick them up before we go to dinner.”  _

_ “Ben.”  _

_ His head looked up at me, “Harry, don’t argue. I just want you to look good, okay, and you haven’t been in my world long enough to know how to dress and present yourself.”  _

Shaking my head I grabbed my mobile and shot off a panic text to Cecilia to get over here for I needed her. Once it was sent I tossed my mobile back onto the bed and began to look through the same clothes I had said no to again to see if maybe the clothing fairies had made something for me and I would love it and I would also have something to wear. I just needed to pack clothes for three days. Three freaking days and my entire closet was in a pile on my bed, my suitcase was empty and the time was ticking by for me to try and get some rest before a long day of travel. As I was digging through my clothes I heard the front door open and Cecilia say something short to Niall before she came running up the stairs. As my door opened her face was red as if she had ran from her cafe to our house. Her eyes looked at me and then down at my clothes and back at me and her face went from worry to anger.

“Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me,” asked Cecilia as she was trying to gain her breath back. 

“Nope.”

I knew that she wanted to just tell me that I was crazy for calling her, and not having anything packed but as she took a deep breath in she smiled and headed on into my bedroom. “Okay, let’s go day by day and see what you have and we can pack from there,” she told me. “Wear what you want to wear. Louis won’t care and you shouldn’t worry what he thinks.”

Nodding my head we began to pick through my clothes and form outfits. I knew that I had clothes, but I was just getting into my head and I hated it. “Why do you have a suit?”

“For Rosie’s party.”

Cecilia looked at me confused.

“Seb’s mother sent out the invites without telling my sister and told people it was formal.”

“What?”

Pressing my lips together I nodded my head and folded my dress shirt and trousers and sat them on top of my three pairs of jeans and joggers I had already packed. “She is bat shit crazy and my job during the party is to be with Isabella and keep her occupied and not let Seb’s mother get to her.”

“She is still on that kick?” Cecilia asked as she sat down on the edge of my bed and held the bridge of her nose. “Vertigo has been a bitch this past week.”

“She is still on that kick, and I think that she will be on that kick until the day she dies,” I said folding up the white t-shirt and setting it in my suitcase. “I have to debrief Louis on my family so he isn’t shocked when he walks into the madness tomorrow.”

“Even about Jonathan?”

_ Fucking Jonathan _ .

“Maybe. But not right away, we just need to get through this party.”

“I don’t think he will judge you.”

I wanted to laugh as I finished up folding my shirts and checked them off my list on my mobile. Jonathan was a thorn in my spine still, he was a thorn in Gemma’s spine and most of the time the two of us were able to go on our daily life without thinking about him but then it will hit us like a ton of bricks and it angers us, cripples us and we feel like helpless 16 year olds all over again.

“Okay, well, no more sad topic,” she said as she slowly stood up and gained her footing, “I smell food and I’m pretty sure that Niall has ordered enough for me to join you.”

Zipping up my suitcase I removed it off my bed and put by my door, my rucksack was placed on top, then I took all my clothes and moved them over to my clothes basket and would put off putting them away until I got back. I was an adult and it was okay for me to do that. As much as I wanted to sit in my room and dwell on everything that could go wrong with this trip and just enjoy that I was going to spend some time with Louis, enjoy time with my family and possibly help my sister commit the perfect murder.


	13. one short weekend in the emerald city

 

**l.t**

 

“Cheers.” I told the barista as I grabbed the two lattes in one hand and the small bag that housed a muffin for Harry and a breakfast sandwich that I hoped was edible for me. We had fifteen minutes before they began to board out flight and I was worried I wasn’t going to make it back in time for Harry to use the loo or me incase my bladder decided to be stupid and have me pee again, for the fifth time since getting to the airport. My anxiety was so high for the simple fact that I had to fly. But not only that, I had to fly sober. I was glad that I was sober but terrified at the same time. “Your fancy ass drink,” I said as I handed Harry his complicated coffee order and I took my seat next to him.

“How much do I owe you?”

My eyes opened and my head hung as I looked at Harry. He was so thick at times and it was adorable and annoying. “Seriously, Harold? Drink your coffee and eat your muffin.”

“Yes, mother,” he said in a mocking tone as he took a sip of the latte before resting it on his carry on suitcase and breaking off a part of the top of the muffin. Both of us were exhausted, I know that I wasn’t able to sleep at all before the Uber went to Harry’s to pick him up. And from the look of his face I knew that he hadn’t slept much either - and knowing him he had been doing work stuff until his eyes couldn’t stay open any longer and he finally let himself get some sleep.

Unwrapping my sandwich I looked at it, not sure if I should eat what they said was an egg. I pulled off the bacon and ate that before breaking the silence of eating with Harry. “So,” I said as I took a sip of my coffee. “I know that you are you and you have plans when we land. So, hit me with them,” I said as I knew that he wanted to roll his eyes but he also knew that there was so much truth behind what I was telling him that he couldn’t deny it.

“Well,” he said putting the muffin in the bag where my uneaten sandwich went to die, he picked up his coffee and smiled,” Isabella is at school so when we land she won’t be home for a few hours which means it’s the adults and Rosie. I know that Gemma has to finish up some work so she will be in her own world until Isabella gets home,” he told me as I listened and did my best to commit this to memory. “Seb is picking us up and then we will either pick up food, make food - there will be food. Gemma was being cryptic about something so I’m more than 100 percent sure that we will be attending a dance recital for Isabella so I am sorry in advance if this wasn’t the crazy wild and exciting holiday you were looking for.”

“Low key is fine with me,” I admitted to him.

Harry looked at me, “you sure? I feel bad. Niall I can drag along since he is basically another Styles. I feel like you had one idea and then -” I held up my hand and Harry stopped talking.  

“I am in for the whole ride. Dance recitals and all.”

Harry still looked confused.

“I”m not your ex Harold,” I pointed to him as his checks turned a few shades pinker. “So, chill, dance, dinner, sleep and then Saturday is the big day?”

Harry nodded. He went on to tell me about the plans for the day of the party and then that Sunday he was going to take me to a few places that he loves and some stereotypical tourist stuff but it was a must. He informed me we had a mandatory dinner that Sunday with his family but neither of us cared. It was weird to be doing family activities. I had been so far removed from my family at first by distance and then by me thinking they were ashamed of my actions. It was odd but a good odd to be getting back into this mode of family and not being a lone wolf anymore. I also enjoyed watching Harry talk about his family, whenever he did his face seemed to light up like a kid on Christmas. I envied his relationship with his sister and father, and while I knew that his family wasn’t perfect, it was perfect enough for him and that’s what mattered.

“So, yeah, it’s a lot to squeeze in for such a short trip and it’s a lot of family time.”

“Which, I’m looking forward to if I’m to be frank,” I admitted to him. “I’m also looking forward to better food than this shit I wasted my money on,” my eyes looked at the bag filled with a muffin and sandwich neither of us touched. “It has been years since I’ve seen my entire family - and when I did see them I was hungover and on some painkillers for an injury I got whilst on set - due to the fact that I was drunk,” I admitted to Harry. “So this is kind of the new step to the new old Louis.” I needed to go back home and spend some time with my family and try and fix what I had broken so many years ago.

Harry placed a hand on my knee and gave it a squeeze, “they love you, Lou and they might have been frustrated with your actions but I know that they never stopped loving you, and I’m sure they never will.”

I wanted to laugh, Harry always spoke as if he knew so much for being so young. Maybe he did, at times when I would look at him his eyes looked years older than he was, the bags under his eyes told me a lot and there was something about how he presented himself that made me know there was more to Harry than I knew, and that he normally cared to share with strangers, or just acquaintances.

“I might drag you along with me,” I joked as he just shrugged. “Seriously?”

“I love going out there, and if you needed me as support to get out there you got it.”

I wanted to kiss him.

“You are too good of a man, Harry Styles.” 

“You speak too kindly of me, Louis Tomlinson,” he said back as he held up his latte. “I’m going to pee before we get on, can you watch my stuff?” he asked me as I nodded. He set his coffee in his seat after he got up and headed to the loo. I needed to piss too, but I would wait until he got back and then go. Sitting there I felt this pit in my stomach. I was sitting here about to go and see Harry’s family and there mine has been in London this entire time and I’ve ignored them. I had been an absent brother, an absent son and just an all around dick to them. It was my fault and while a few months ago I would have said it wasn't - I knew now that it was. Setting my coffee next to Harry’s I pulled out my mobile and did something without El prompting me. I was doing it for it was the right thing, and something I should have done years ago.

**Hey mum. Sorry for the never texting you. It is 100% shit of me as not only a man but as your son. I would like to change that, I can’t promise that I will be perfect the first several go arounds but I want to try. I know there is a lot to talk about and just catch up on since I have been MIA for the past several years from not only your life, the families lives but mine. But, I am getting there. This show, these people, Harry, they are all helping me get back to the man that you gave birth to and raised. I am going to Seattle this weekend with Harry, a friend, to visit his family and I didn’t want to sit home alone. I would be bored and you know a bored Louis is dangerous Louis. I will call you when I get back home and we can talk all day long about anything and everything. Okay? I know that a text is a shit way to do this, but I knew that if I called I would end up sobbing and I’m already freaking out about this flight. I love you and I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t make up for the years of shittiness that I caused but I want it to be a start. - Louis**

**Also, I am sober so this flight is even more terrifying for me. But I’m sober thanks to Harry - Louis**

**Also (again) you can reach me here and I will send you Harry’s number too incase you can’t get a hold of me - Louis**

**Love you - Louis**

“Do you need to go?” I heard Harry’s voice. Looking up I nodded as I slipped my mobile back into my back pocket and swapped spots with him. Our gate was starting to fill up and I saw the employees of SouthWest getting all settled to start calling seats. Harry hadn’t wanted to pay for the earlybird check in, but I wasn’t going to let 50$ both ways stop him so I had just done it and not told him. It was going to be a long process of flying and with layovers both ways I wanted it to be as seamless as possible. But, I always wanted to do something for Harry for he does so much for everyone else around him.

_ You can make it through this weekend _ . I told myself as I stood there peeing.  _ It’s just a weekend. Nothing more. Harry is still Harry and you are still madly crushing on him and for the first time in your life you could possibly do something about it. _ I wanted to - I mean, god, it was Harry and everything about him was just, well it was perfect to me and I wanted to just lay in a bed tangled in his long limbs and listen to him talk.  _ God I was fucked _ . I thought as I got myself situated and went to wash my hands. I grabbed some paper towels and dried them off quickly before tossing them in the bin and making my way back to where Harry was seated. As I got back they began to call for those who were pre-boarding and then had the A seat passengers line up. Harry handed me my coffee as I slung my rucksack over my shoulder as we headed to the line.

“I saw that you got us the A spot.”

“Huh?” I asked Harry playing dumb as he just rolled his eyes and pulled up his boarding pass on his mobile.

“You are an arse,” he said under his breath.

I wanted to laugh, “yep,” I told him as I leaned over and whispered into his ear. “So, if I pass out while on the flight I’m sorry.”

Harry’s head turned around and looked at me as if what I said was mental. “I will be out before the wheels leave the mat,” he explained to me as we headed to the worker and we scanned our mobiles that had our boarding passes on them.

“Have a safe flight.”

“Thanks,” we both said as we walked down the jet way and headed to see what seats we were going to take for our first leg of the flight. Both ways we were stopping in Chicago for a bit over two hours which I was okay with. We would be able to get food, pee and stretch out our legs.

“Aisle or window?” Harry asked me as he stopped at the third row at the side where there were just two seats.

“Aisle, incase I need to get up,” I told him as he lifted his rolling suitcase and put it in the overhead compartment and slid into the aisle as I followed suit so that everyone behind us would be able to get in. Both Harry and I got settled in out seats with our headphones, he had pulled out his iPad and I just had my mobile where I would listen to some music and hopefully sleep. He handed me a stick of gum as we waited and watched as everyone began to file into the plane single file and find their seats. My nose was stuck in my mobile as I made sure that I had everything downloaded that I wanted to listen to before I looked over and saw that Harry’s head was pressed up against the window, his eyes shut and his breathing was short shallow breaths and I knew that he was passed out already. I knew that he was tired but I had no idea that he was that tired.

Damn, that was fast.

Adjusting myself in the chair I started a playlist and let the music drown out the anxiety I was having about this flight.

_ Only several more hours of this _ . I thought to myself as I turned and looked at Harry who was peacefully asleep.

 

***

 

“As we make our way into Seattle we would like to ask you to put your tray tables up, and put your seats in the upright position. The weather is 62 and overcast, which is basically 364 days out of the year when you come to Seattle,” the flight attendant joked as the plane chuckled. Harry had woken up about a half hour ago and had stretched his legs out across my lap for they were cramping up on him. I had been thinking about dying puppies, and my mum and dad fucking so that my boner would stay where it was. Nowhere that Harry could see and or feel. I had slept on and off the entire flight from Nashville to Seattle but the last part I was excited to get out of the flight, walk around and meet Harry’s family.

“Did you get any sleep?” Harry asked as he tried to adjust his long limbs in the small confined area of the plane. I made a face, for it wasn’t that I didn't sleep, it was just that I didn't sleep well.“I was out, wasn’t I?”

Laughing, I shook my head, “oh yes. Hardcore out.”

Harry just rolled his eyes.

“I’m excited to get out of this plane.”

“Same, my legs are killing me,” he said as he leaned forward and rubbed his calfs. “It sucks being tall and flying for this long.”

“Wouldn’t know.”

Harry’s head turned and looked at me behind his glasses. “You are the perfect height, Louis, so hush,” he told me as I just looked at him and shook my head. “Whatever, weirdo.”

As the wheels hit the tarmac I was so glad that I wanted to clap, stand up and cheer my head off. Turning to my left I looked out the window and realized that we had left one grey and foggy city for another one. Only this one had better coffee. Pulling up to the gate the flight attendant thanked us for flying with SouthWest and that they hoped to see us again. Once we pulled up to the gate and the seatbelt sign was turned off, you heard everyone unfasten their seat belts and stand up. While we waited for the front of the plane to grab their bags from the overhead compartment I took my mobile off airplane mode, shoved my headphones into my rucksack and stood up to stretch my legs. If I was having trouble with leg cramps I’m sure that Harry was even worse.

Harry stood up, his back was hunched over as he tried his best to get his legs stretched out before he moved out into the isle and followed me out of the plane as we headed to the carousel where our bags would be at. “Seb just texted, he is at baggage claim,” he said to me as I nodded and we left the jetway and hit the gate. I felt my mobile vibrate in my pocket. I knew that I was getting emails from Mark about some things I had inquired about, I was sure that Eliza had messaged me to make sure that I landed okay. Harry and I walked in silence as I followed him to make our way to get our bags.

“I need food,” Harry told me as he turned around, “and a proper cuppa.”

“Ta,” I told him as I slipped my mobile out of my pocket. I was curious to see if my mum had messaged me back. I was nervous - I wasn’t sure why I was so scared but I was. I knew that her response was going to dictate my future and how I went on with trying to reconnect with my family. My heart swelled as I saw there was a message from her and I felt like I was finally moving in the right direction to getting my life back to where I needed it to be in order to move forward.

**My darling son. I did have to sit down after reading your text for it felt like a dream. I want you to know that over these past several years that I never stopped loving you or feeling proud that you are my son. We all make mistakes, we go down a path that wasn’t the right one and it takes awhile for us to find our way out. I was there with your father for those years. But there is something about that path that molds us, helps us in ways we didn’t realize until we are out of the thick and in the light again. I think this was destiny, you going to New York and meeting Harry, working with Gavin and finding yourself. Not as an actor but as Louis William Tomlinson. You have come so far and my heart is full. You have been a bit absent from the family, but that doesn’t mean you were gone. Your siblings look up to you, you are their big brother who lives in America. The coolest thing they have going for them to be honest since Phillip and I are a bit dull, lol. I also want to meet this Harry, kiss his feet and make him a full blown dinner of his choice as a thank you for whatever he did to get you away from the fuckhead Damien and back to the boy I raised. - Jo**

**Also, Eliza got me an Instagram so I can watch videos of the show that Harry uploads. Darling you gave me chills! Phillip got a bit emotional watching as well - Jo**

**With that being said, have fun in Seattle. Take lots of photos and send them this way. We love you Lou and I can’t wait to see you again - Jo**

My eyes stung as I sucked back the tears that were on the verge of falling. “You alright?” Harry asked as he he stood at the end of the escalator and I almost fell flat on my face since I was so engulfed in my text. I nodded my head as his eyes narrowed but he let it be knowing that I would tell him eventually - and I would. But now I was going to suck up the tears and meet Harry’s brother in law with a smile on my face and a witty comment on the tip of my tongue.

“Harry!” I heard a voice call out and as I looked up I saw a man who was just what I pictured him to be. He was tall, but not as tall as Harry, he had auburn hair and it was a bit lighter around the temples for he was graying. He was thin but not as thin as Harry - he dressed like Indiana Jones as a professor Jones and not so much the adventurer. He embraced Harry with a hug who embraced him back. I knew that Harry was close with his family, and I knew a little bit about his sister and brother in law and their family.

“I’m sorry to be so rude,” Sebastian said as he walked over to me. “Seb,” he held out his hand and I shook it.

“Louis,” I told him as I shook his hand and then he pulled me in for a hug. “I see this is a family trait?” I asked with a chuckle.

“Yep,” Seb told me. “Plus, if Harry is going to bring someone here they are family,” he explained with a smile. “So, before I ask how the flight was and all that basic stuff, I wanted to make a disclaimer about this weekend and my wife.”

I nodded, “go on.”

“You have come during what was supposed to be a simple party - but my mother decided to make it a bigger deal that it was. With that, it put this pressure on my wife who already thinks that she isn’t a good mother in her eyes - so please give her grace for she doesn’t mean to act this way.”

“I won’t hold anything against her,” I promised him with a smile.

“As for the flight,” Harry said as we walked to our carousel. “It was good, Louis isn’t a flyer so I’m proud of him,” he said as he patted me on my back.

I nodded my head as the buzzer went off at our carousel and we made our way to find out bags. “Thankfully I’m not on the level of Gemma,” I admitted as I saw Harry’s bag and grabbed it and handed it over to him as I saw mine a few suitcases down the belt. Once we acquired our bags we followed Seb out of the airport and towards his car. I fell behind Harry so that he and Seb could chat a bit and not feel bad for not including me in a conversation. Once we got to the car, we tossed out bags into the boot, and Harry carefully placed his carry on suitcase on top of our other cases as we piled into the car.

“How is Gemma holding up? I know she has been swamped with work and this party.”

Seb shrugged, “she is Gemma and she just smiles and pushes on. She is going to need a mental break once the party is done,” he explained to us. “But you Styles are strong and keep pushing on so she will never admit that.”

“Tell me about it,” I said as Harry turned around and shot me a look. “What? I had to go through your bag to make sure you didn’t bring your bloody laptop, so no, don’t shush me,” I told him as he rolled his eyes but I knew that he knew I was correct.

“Yeah, their father is the same way, he brought course work to grade and will be up till god knows when doing it and then wake up to help with the grandkids,” explained Seb. “But, I think that seeing you will help - plus she has a nice long list for you both to accomplish tomorrow for her.”

“No problem,” Harry told him.

As we pulled off the highway I looked around and enjoyed seeing the change in cityscape and seeing more trees that weren’t just in central park. “Also,” Seb said as he looked in the rear view mirror and looked at me. “I’m sorry if my mother makes any sort of comment towards you.”

“I’m use to taking abuse,” I told him with a smile, “I was an actor in LA and got that all the time from my manager,” I laughed and shook my head.

As Harry and Seb talked a bit more about some family stuff going on my eyes drifted to the side mirror and I watched Harry’s jaw as he spoke. There was an ease about him as soon as we got out of the city and when he turned off his work and he was around his family. It was a nice change to see him like this, and I’m sure I looked more relaxed for I felt it as soon as we stepped off the plane. Turning down a few roads we made our way into a subdivisions and pulled up to a beautiful house and I felt my mouth drop.

“Home sweet home for the next few days,” Seb said as we pulled up to a house that looked like something out of a film. The house looked old, but at the same time, I knew that Gemma was an architect so the inside was no doubt new. As we walked to the boot of the car to grab our bags I couldn’t help but realize that that house was a craftsman house (yes, I watch HGTV), it had a lovely wrap around porch. The house itself was painted a medium grey with bright white trim around the windows, doors and was accented by the pillars on the porch that helped the structure of the house.

“This is an amazing house,” I was finally able to say as I grabbed my suitcase and sling my rucksack on my shoulder.

Seb let out a huff as he shut the boot of the car and we headed on up to the front door. “Thank you, Gemma found it and she had a vision so we lived in a small studio flat to save money while we gutted the entire place and build it to be our forever home,” he explained with a chuckle. “It’s a Styles trait that when they put their mind on something they will find a way to accomplish it.” 

My eyes darted over to Harry, “yeah, I’ve noticed that,” I said under my breath as the front door flew open and a tall thin woman with short light brown hair that pin straight come running out. Jumping down the steps that lead up to the door and took off towards the tall man that I traveled with to get here.

“H!”

“Gem!” Harry called out as he let go of his bags as his sister jumped into his arms and he embraced her in a hug like I had never seen before. “I’m still getting used to you in normal color hair,” he laughed as he let her down on the ground and she kissed him on his forehead.

“I’m an adult, a mother,” she told him as Harry lifted her hair and showed a large strip of hair that was not her natural brown. “Okay so I was bored and I was experimenting with going silver,” she said pushing Harry away from her. “And you are being so rude, brother,” she said as she turned to me. “I’m Gemma,” she said as she pulled me into a hug. “Welcome to the madhouse,” she laughed.

“It’s all good, we have been debriefed,” I assured her. “Louis, by the way, but I’m sure Harold has complained about me to you.”

Gemma smiled and looked at her brother, “he is good, H,” she told me as she patted my arm. “Come on in, Rosie is napping, dad was about to make some lunch and I have to finish up a project for a client before we pick up Isabella,” she explained as she lead the way back into the house. When we got into the house it was an open floor concept which I had expected since Seb said they had gutted the place. Even though I didn’t step in anything dirty I felt the need to wipe my feet on the rug. We left our suitcases by the steps that were at the front as we walked in through the living room and into the kitchen where Gemma’s work station was set up at the kitchen table and Harry’s father was sitting at the end with a stack of papers and a few red pens. Harry told me a little about his father, but I never realized how much he took after him in his looks. Body language and glasses.

Harry’s father had the professor look going for him, he was in a jumper with a collared shirt under and a nice pair of trousers. Turning around, he stood up and made his way over to his son. “You both look like you could use a proper cuppa,” he said as he stood up from the chair and made his way to his son. He gave Harry a hug and a kiss on the top of his forehead before he greeted me with a hug as well.

“My family likes to hug,” Harry said as I gave him a thumbs up and embraced Harry’s father. “This is Louis, and we work together,” he explained to them as I saw him look at his sister who just rolled her eyes as Seb nudged her.

As I pulled away from Harry’s father I smiled, “it’s nice to meet you, sir,” I said as he laughed.

“Lord, call me Tarl,” he told me as he made his way into the kitchen. “Why don’t you boys get settled in, we can get lunch on and get our work done before tonight.”

Harry’s eyes grew wide, “ah yes, tonight,” he said as he looked at Gemma who smiled and made her way to her laptop and sat down. “When did you know she had a dance recital?”

“What?”

“Forever? Is that what you said?”

“Huh?” Gemma asked as she looked up and looked confused at her brother but had the same smirk in her eyes that Harry did when he did the same shit to me. Harry narrowed his eyes before I grabbed him by the upper arm and dragged him off to get our luggage and bring them up to our room. “Attic, I figured it would be the best place since you two will be bunking together,” Gemma told him. “And if you must know, dad is in the spare room, we had to turn junk room in Rosie’s bedroom and the attic is what is left since we are currently working on the last room that we left bare that housed more junk.”

“Office?”

Gemma nodded. “Yes, since we finished off the attic as the spare suite for friends and family when they come,” she explained to him and I saw Harry’s body relax. I didn’t know why he cared so much where we slept, and when he kept shooting Gemma looks as if he was going to slap her if she said something wrong. “Now scoot, I have work to do.”

Harry flashed her a smile as we grabbed our bags and headed on up the first flight of steps. When we reached the second floor we walked down a hallway and passed the four bedrooms and a bathroom, and as we made it to the end of the hallway we walked up the smaller flight of steps that went around in a circle. Opening up the door we walked into the attic space that was an amazing guest suite like Gemma had said.

It had hardwood floors, a few area rugs to make it more welcoming. The walls were a light grey and were matched with the white trim. There was two twin beds that were on the side of a large window. Each bed had a bedside table that had a lamp on them. By the door where we set our bags was a nice reading chair and a bookcase that housed books, board games and some photographs. Harry rolled his suitcase to his bed, setting it on the foot he unzipped it and pulled out his hanging clothes and made his way to the closet.

“Welcome to my family,” he told me as I followed suit and set my bag on the foot of my bed and pulled out some clean clothes without airplane germs and my toiletries. “Sorry about Gemma trapping us into Isabella’s-“

“Harold,” I told him as I stood in the doorway to the bathroom. “I want to be here, so calm down,” I assured him. “Now, I’m going to shower to get the plane off of me, is that okay?”

Harry nodded, “yeah, I’m going to unpack and then help dad with lunch so just come on down when you finish,” he told me as I nodded my head. Shutting the bathroom door I locked it and let out a sigh. I had gotten through the worst part of the trip - meeting Harry’s family. I wasn’t sure why I was so worried about meeting them. I wasn’t dating Harold, and he never gave them the impression that he was dating me.

_ Okay, Tomlinson. Shower, have a wank and go down and lunch _ I told myself as my stomach growled.

 

***

 

“So, Louis, tell us a bit about yourself,” Tarl said as we sat in the living room with tea and coffee for Harry and I to stay awake. Tarl looked over at Harry and just rolled his eyes at his son. “I’m asking him a simple question, Harry - we have done all the talking and I would like to learn a bit more about him.”

I felt my cheeks flush as I looked down at my coffee. “Well, I know that you all heard the horror stories that Harry told you about me,” I said as they all looked at something else. “It’s okay - I was a p-r-i-c-k,” I said spelling it as Rosie sat there on Gemma’s lap looking at me with a smile as she sucked on a plush bear. “I’m from Donny. I loved footie but I’m rubbish at it. I act and sing for a living and I’m not sure what I would do if I didn’t.”

“Did you go to school for anything?” Seb asked me and I shook my head.

“No, I was 16 when I moved to the states and I never wanted to get my GED so I just worked, which I now know shouldn’t have happened and my manager was violating labor laws and lying,” I said annoyed at how stupid I was. “So, hopefully the show will do good in the workshop and showcase well whilst in Chicago or it’s back to Doncaster for me.”

“You wouldn’t stay?”

I shook my head, “no, Damien, my manager had me burn all the bridges that I had and no one wants to work with me. I don’t blame them either, I was acting like an entitled twat. Plus, I don’t want roles just to pay bills. I want them to mean something to someone,” I explained. “And, I’m getting older and soon the grey hair will be harder and harder to pull out and my age bracket of roll will turn from the neighbor next door to dad or uncle and that is fine, but if that is going to be the case I rather that be my titles in real life, and not just on the screen.”

“I told him that he should get his GED,” Harry said as I looked at him, I loved that he had faith in me that I could do that but I hadn’t been in school in years and wouldn’t even know where to start. “And you can, Lou, there are prep classes and between me, Niall, Ce and Liam we would all help you study.”

“Ta.”

“I’m serious,” he said to me as he pulled his legs up to his chest as we sat on the couch together. “You just need to know that you can do it and then do it.”

I loathed when Harry was right.

“How is the show coming along?”

“Good, there are just a few more kinks to work out and then we are going to bring in some people to watch a dry run and give feedback and then we are off to Chicago for a month,” I explained. “Which I’m thrilled since I’ve never been there and I will have my own personal tour guide,” I said as I poked Harry with my foot and he just smiled at me as he took a sip of his coffee.

“When it goes to Broadway, is Gavin going to keep the cast?” asked Gemma as she passed Rosie over to Seb and stood up. “I know that sometimes they do and sometimes they don’t.”

“We aren’t sure,” Harry said knowing that I was still nervous about that. We had all worked so hard and while we knew that Colin, Laura and Keala were safe. It was just a few of us that while we put in the work there was rumors going around who would be better, or who would draw a bigger crowd due to their name. “But, Gavin hand picked the cast he has now for a reason and I think the only thing that would stop him would be if they said no, or if a prior commitment stopped them.”

As much as I wanted that to be true, I knew that I was in the line of fire. I was in the line of fire because Damien was breathing down his neck and if he showed up for the show and hated it due to my ‘small part’ once the run is down in Chicago he could pull me and never look back. I was in the line of fire for everyday on twitter people are saying how Jeremy Jordan, or Aaron Tveit or Ben Platt would be a better Phillip than me. While most of them are people wanting to see them on the stage again, some of them are so set on not having me be in the show that I worry those writing the reviews will get some in with the same notions and judgments about me and I will fail in the eyes to them even though I didn’t to the rest of the audience.

“Well, new topic now,” Gemma laughed as she sat back down.

“Yes, please,” I said wanting to get out of the dark whole my mind was spiraling into. Before anyone could say anything else the front door opened and a ball full of energy came running through the door. Not even bothering to take off her shoes she went running straight towards Harry. Setting his coffee down just in time as she jumped into his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. Harry did the same as he pulled her into a hug and kissed the top of her curly hair.

“Uncle Harry!” she said as he pulled back, she placed her hands on the side of his face and looked at him. “Hi.

“Hi,” Harry told her as he made a face and she was thrown into a fit of giggles. As she did she looked around and stopped when she saw me. Her blue eyes looked me up and down and then she turned back to Harry, placing a hand up so I couldn’t see what she was saying whispered into his ear. I watched as Harry’s face turned bright red and then he just shook his head. “No, this is my friend, Louis. We work together.”

“Hi,” she said with a slight wave before climbing down out of his lap and walking back to the front door where she put her shoes up along with her rucksack and jacket. “Is my snack in the fridge?” she asked as she walked over and gave Tarl a hug and a kiss, and one to Seb and Gemma before kissing Rosie on the top of her head.

“Yes, and there is a juice box as well,” Gemma told her as Isabella made her way to the kitchen to get her snack. “What time do you need me to have you at the recital, love?”

“Well, Ms. Abbi said we needed to be there by 4:30 so we can practice a bit more and then get ready.”

Gemma looked at the clock, “okay, well, eat that and then you can get dressed and we will get you over there,” she said and I saw her panic look for that was in less than an hour and by the way she was dressed she was not ready to leave that early.

“Harry and I can bring her, and then you guys can meet us over there?” I suggested as Harry smiled at me. “We can save seats and that way you both can get ready.”

“You sure?” Seb asked as Rosie began to wiggle. “We don’t want you two to feel like sitters on your vacation.”

I tried not to roll my eyes but it just happened, “we have Sunday, plus Harry and I are here to help,” I told him as I stood up and pushed my jeans down so they weren’t all bunched up around my ankles. “Is that okay with you, Harold?”

“Harold?” Gemma asked as her brow arched as Harry shot her a look and then turned back at me and smiled.

“No, we can take Issy and then you lot come when you were going to originally,” he said standing up. “I’m going to change real quick and then once Isabella gets dressed and ready to go we can drop her off,” he said as his voice cracked a bit as he didn’t look at me and headed to the steps, he took them three at a time until he was gone and I was left there a bit confused why he was so rushed to go up and change.

“You call him Harold?” Gemma asked me as she picked up the plate as Isabella finished and she left the table and headed up to her room.

I nodded my head as I picked up our coffee cups and brought them over to the sink to wash. “I used to do it to bother him, but now it stuck and I use it when he is being stubborn and getting too much in his head,” I explained dumping out the bit of coffee left in my cup before rinsing it out and then taking the sponge and soap to wash it. “Why?”

“Nothing,” she said and I could tell by her tone that she thought it was cute but she wasn’t going to say that for she didn’t want to scare me away. “Also, thank you for helping.” Shrugging, I set the mugs on the drying rack as Harry appeared and was out of his airplane clothes and in nicer jeans with a grey button down shirt and a black cardigan with his signature boots. Part of me felt that I needed to change, but then it was Harry and he always looked nicer than I did and even when I tried to look nice he just seemed to always have that one step ahead of me in the dress. “Are those new clothes?” Gemma asked as she walked over to Harry and looked at him from head to toe. “Did you finally get rid of your Uni clothes?”

“Says the girl who has silver hair and keeps her tattered overalls.”

“Evil.”

“Yep,” he laughed as there was a loud thud as Isabella jumped from the last step and made her way over to Gemma, and took a seat on the bench at the kitchen table as Gemma began to fix her hair up in a bun as Harry and I got our shoes on, made sure we had everything that we needed all while Gemma told us how many seats we were going to need, to text her if there is any issue when they get there and thanked us over and over again. Once Isabella’s hair was all done she kissed Gemma on the nose and headed to the door and looked at me and Harry.

“Chop, chop,” she said as she tapped her foot, placed her hands on her hips and waited for us.

“She is worse than you,” I whispered to Harry as he poked me in the side before we headed on out the front door and made our way to the address that Gemma had texted Harry on where we needed to go. “Rude,” I laughed shaking my head.

 

***

 

I wasn’t sure how I was still awake, my eyes felt like sandpaper as I laid in bed checking my mobile as Harry was in the bathroom. I needed him to get out so I could piss one last time before passing out until we woke up to help with the party that Gemma was stressing about and hiding terribly like Harry does when he is stressed.

“It’s adorable how much Isabella loves you,” I said as the bathroom door opened and Harry walked out. His glasses were on the top of his head holding his hair back. He had spots on his face and I realized that he had acne cream which shocked me since I never saw anything wrong with his face and I know that I’ve looked long and hard at his face.

Harry smiled at me as he walked over to his bed and pulled out the clothes that he was going to wear tomorrow before getting ready for the party. “I love her, and sometimes I wish that I lived closer so I could be there more for her, and Gemma and Seb.”

“You do a hell of a lot more than most uncles do,” I pointed out to him as I sat up in bed and set my mobile down on the bedside table. “It makes me realize how shit of a brother I have been to my siblings by not even being there for them over these years.”

“You can fix that.”

“I’m on the road to doing that,” I admitted to him as he adjusted the sleeves on his sweatshirt before sitting down on his bed. “Why do you always wear long sleeves?” I asked as Harry cocked his head and looked at me. “I get that it’s cold, but there has been a few days when it’s been warm in New York and you always have on some sort of jacket, cardigan, or shirt with sleeves.”

“Most people don’t notice.”

“Well, I did when the air didn’t work in the building we were in tonight and I was dying and wanted to strip down to my pants and nothing else and you just sat there like a robot. So, why is that?”

There was a hesitation as he looked down at his hands and fiddled with the cutts of the sweatshirt. “It’s a long story - and when I tell it people act differently, they look at me differently and I don’t want that.”

“Harold,” I said as I got out of my bed and moved over to his. “You have seen me drunk, you have picked me up from a jail cell, you have seen me at the lowest of my lows and yet you still look at me like a human.”

Nodding his head he took a deep breath, he moved his glasses down, as he used his left hand and pushed up the sleeve and I saw the scars that looked like they were made from cigarettes. Some were faint while others looked just several years old.

“So, growing up I had an elder brother, he was a great elder brother until he hit 16 and he got mixed up with the wrong kids, and things went downhill for him and for my mum and dad’s relationship.”


	14. flashback

_2007_

_“So who asked you to homecoming?” Niall asked Gemma as we walked home from school. It was the stereotypical fall day in Illinois, a bit grey as the whole, the tree leaves were turning from green to red, yellow and orange. As we walked on the pavement the leaves that had fallen crunched under out boots and trainers with each step. There was a slight chill, but nothing that a jacket or a hoodie couldn’t handle. I was happy that the football game was an away game so I didn’t feel the societal pressure to go and watch it when I would rather be at home with my sister and dad watching a movie and having some hot coco or a cup of coffee. It was weird to think that someone was asking my sister to Homecoming. Gemma shrugged as she adjusted her rucksack as we walked, “a few people,” she said as a few other kids from school passed us. “One was Tyler Adams which was a joke and I know for the simple fact that he is a jock, I hate him, and that he is dating Stephanie and has been with her since like 6th grade,” she told us as Niall and I both stopped and looked at her offended by the jock comment. Turning around, her eyes rolled at us as she shook her head, “footie isn’t a proper jock sport in America and we all three know that.”_

_We did and we quickly fell back in step with her as we continued the walk home. “I know that isn’t the only one,” Niall probed again and I knew that it was true. Gemma was stunning and in a natural didn’t care way. “No one is going to get mad that everyone likes you, Gemma.”_

_I watched my twin’s face turn red as she went on to name people, “Todd Crenshaw, Devin Smith, Graham Koch, ummmmm Steve Jones.”_

_“And you said yes to which one?”_

_“None,” she said confused as we turned down Niall’s street. “We have a pack that we made in the sixth grade. We go to all Homecomings together as a group, and if we end up having a significant other they come with the group.”_

_I knew that the pack was to protect me from the homophobes at our school._

_“Also, you hear these girls talking about how when someone asks them that means that they are dating, and just,” she shuttered. “They are all nice boys and I would have them join us in the group but this is our first year, I need to make sure that my grades are on point so I can get into Rice College or even Washington College but the Seattle campus.”_

_“Nerd,” I joked with her as she poked me with her elbow. “I’m shocked you said no to Tyler, I mean after all every girl wants to be another notch in his bedpost,” I told her as she kicked my shin and I ran my hip into her as she stumbled into the grass of Niall’s lawn._

_“I hate you as a brother,” she laughed as I flashed her a smile knowing that she didn’t and both her and I hated Tyler on the same level. “Be at the house tomorrow at 9?” Gemma said to Niall as we reached the front of his house. His dad was pulling out of the driveway and gave us a honk as he headed on out._

_“Okay, what time is the musical?”_

_“Noon,” I told him with a smile as I got excited just thinking about being able to see Mamma Mia. “Dad has a class to teach at noon so he will drop us off at 11 and then come and get us once the class is done and then we will get food after.”_

_Niall gave me a thumbs up as he opened up the wrought iron fence and headed on up towards his house. “What should I wear?” he asked as he turned around and walked backwards and up towards the house._

_“Dress nicer. Like if we were dressing nice before a home game.” I told Niall as the front door opened and his mum gave us a wave and we waved back. Turning on our heels Gemma and I headed down the street to our house. “So, when we get home should we order some pizza? I’m starving and since Dad won’t be home till like 8?”_

_Gemma nodded her head as we turned down a street and were almost home. “Yeah, we should get him one so when he gets home there is something for him to eat,” she told me. “He seems stressed and the year just started so we know it’s not with school.”_

_“It’s with mum and Jonathan.”_

_“Yeah. Which sucks ass.”_

_“Yep.”_

_That was all that we had to say about that. Neither of us cared to talk about mum but we refused to talk about our elder brother as a whole. Once we got home we headed up the driveway and around the back of the house to head on in through the kitchen. Gemma used her house key and unlocked the door, once we both got in and she locked the door behind us I dropped my rusack on the bench in the kitchen as I checked out the cash that dad had left us, and pulled out the menu for Vita Bella Pizza and went into the living room to order our standard dinner we got on Friday Nights. Once I had finished placing the order I headed on back into the kitchen where Gemma had already changed from her clothes and was in sweatpants that were too big for her, a black t-shirt and her hair pulled up off the back of her neck. “Food is ordered,” I told her as I set my mobile down at the kitchen table. “Comfy?” I asked her as she nodded her head at me as she grabbed two water bottles from the fridge and set one down for me as she opened up her laptop to work on her coursework._

_“Yeah, I rather be in this than have my circulation being cut off by my jeans any longer,” she told me and I knew the feeling all to well. While Gemma got settled in at the kitchen table I headed on up to my room to get changed as well and try and knock out as much school work as possible. Walking down the hallway I stopped and looked in my brother’s empty room. There was cigarette burns in the carpet, the walls had holes in them from his fits of rage and punching them. The whole room smelt of a weird odor that I’m sure was a mixture of drugs, piss and alcohol. I hated that room so much, and even with it empty it brought me frustration and anger. Shaking my head I moved past it, quickly changing when I got into my room and making my way back down into the kitchen to work on Spanish._

_Before either of us knew it the doorbell rang for dinner. I had been so engulfed in this Spanish essay I didn’t realize how much time had gone by. “Got it,” Gemma said as she popped up from the table, her hand scooped up the money and she made her way to the front door. I heard Gemma talking to the delivery guy, she thanked him and as I heard the door lock I shut my books and got out the plates and napkins for us. “Let me put dad’s in the oven,” she said while I grabbed the two other boxes and set them in the middle of the kitchen table. “Does this still feel weird to you?” she asked me as she sat back down at the table and we platted our food._

_“Yes,” I admitted to her. It all felt weird. It was weird that we had spent last summer in Cheshire with our gran and grandpa. It felt weird that we came home and we didn’t have to tiptoe around our mum who was frustrated with her life, or that we had to pray that our brother wasn’t on a bender and he was out with friends. “But, it’s a good weird,” I added and it was. It was._

_Enjoying the silence of the house Gemma and I sat there and enjoyed the pizza, and just having the house back to normal. She was on her mobile texting or playing a game while I was catching up on news I’ve missed with new shows coming to Broadway. Once we had finished dinner we quickly cleaned up._

_“Did you see dad’s message?” I asked as Gemma shut her laptop and stretched her hands over her head and nodded. “So, we should have options for movies so he can pick,” I told her as we had family movie night tonight. My brain was hurting from conjugating verbs in Spanish so I was going to give my mind a rest as I got up and was making my way into the living room when I stopped as I saw someone standing on our front porch. “Gemma get up stairs and call 911 and dad,” I told her as I turned towards the kitchen I knew that my face was white in fear as I heard a knock on the door._

_“Why?”_

_“Jonathan is here,” I said and as the words left my mouth I saw her face turn white and she moved and did as I told her. She said nothing, taking the steps two at a time I turned back towards the front door. My elder brother’s face was pressed up against the small glass pane that was on the side of the front door. His eyes were bloodshot and no doubt he was coming down from a high and needed money so he could get whatever drug he was currently addicted to so he could feel better._

_“Baby brother, come on and answer the door,” he said to me._

_My body was frozen in place as it wasn’t sure what it wanted to do. Run? Scream? Go after him and just punch him._

_“No,” I finally said._

_Jonathan rolled his eyes as he knocked on the door a bit harder. “Harry, come on, dad told me to come here,” he lied and I knew this for my father didn’t tell us and if Jonathan was to come over it wouldn’t be when Gemma and I were at home._

_“No.”_

_His feet stomped on the front stoop as his fist pounded on the door and his face was pressed up against the glass window panes on the side of the door. “Let me in you fag or you will be sorry when I do get into MY house,”_

_My stomach was in my throat and I wasn’t sure if I was going to pass out or just stand there frozen in fear. “No.” My voice was a bit less firm but it would due for now._

_I watched Jonathan’s face went from anger to a stillness and I knew we were going to be in trouble. In seconds there was a shattering of glass. My eyes shut behind my glasses as I flinched at the sound - upon opening them up I saw that Jonathan had taken his hand and broken the glass to unlock the front door. My feet ran to the front door as I used all my weight to try and keep it shut. “We called the police,” I told him as my feet slid on the hardwood._

_“Oh, yeah? Gemma wasn’t too shaken in fear by me?” he asked and with one big shove my body was on the hardwood floors as the door busted open. “Oh, poor baby brother,” Jonathan said as his foot kicked my side and I curled up into a ball to protect myself. “Why don’t you ever fucking listen to me, dad said I could come over and since you and Gemma are here I think I might go up and say hello to her. I know how much she misses me,” he said as my eyes opened up as his face was inches away from me. “Why do you have to say about that?”_

_My eyes narrowed and I spat in his face._

_“Fucker.”_

_My eyes closed as I felt a fist hit my face and heard my glasses scatter across the floor and the lenses shattered as Johnathan no doubt stood up and began to make his way throughout the house. I wanted to yell for Gemma but my face felt like it was on fire and it took everything in me not to cry in pain, but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of making me cry._

_“Fuck. Dad changed where he keeps his spare cash,” I heard Jonathan as he smashed a door shut. “Where did he put it!”_

_“I don’t know,” I wheezed as I tasted blood in my mouth. “Just go away, Jonathan,” I said using all my might to push myself up into a sitting position as Jonathan came back at me. His eyes were big and determined to find this money that wasn’t anywhere to be found._

_“You know what is funny,” he told me as he stood over my body and pulled out a cigarette out of his jacket pocket with a lighter and lit a smoke. “Dad hated when I smoked in the house, he always got on me when he would come into my room and see me doing it, or when he would get a call from the school that they caught me smoking, again,” he said as he took a drag and looked down at me. He tapped the end of the smoke so the ashes fell on me. “I have always hated you and Gemma,” he said as he got closer to me. “You two had to come in and ruin mum’s life. They didn’t want either of you - god and it was so bad that it was two. You ruined everything.”_

_“Why are you listening to what mum has said about dad?”_

_“Because she is right, dad is such a pussy when it comes to you,” he hissed as he took another drag and tapped the smoke. “I’m sure that dad has gotten rid of all of my ashtrays, so I’m glad that I have you,” he said as he grabbed my arm and put his smoke out. Wincing in pain I closed my eyes._

_“Harry, Gemma!” I heard my father yell as I saw a blurry Jonathan get pulled off of me by a police officer. My dad took my hand and pulled me up and into his body. “Oh, Harry,” he said as I buried my face into his chest._

_“Is Gemma okay?” I asked muffled as I heard the officer reading him his rights._

_“Yes,” my father said as he kissed the top of my head. “Yes, but we need to get you checked out,” he said as Gemma handed me my spare glasses and as I put them on I was finally able to see what happened and what I looked like. While dad talked with the police a paramedic came over to check on me. They bandaged up the burn mark on my arm and checked out my face where Jonathan had punched me. I was only half listening when they asked me about my pain level, what happened and if I was okay. I was more focused on my father talking to the police officer and tried to see what he was saying. I knew that he wasn’t going to pay his bail, and my mother was probably going to come over to the house to scream at him and throw a fit telling my father that it was his fault, or heck, even my fault because I wouldn’t let him in. She would deny that he was on drugs, or that he was under the influence. To her our brother who had turned into a monster was this angel and we were the ones who were evil._

_My face winced as the paramedic touched my nose. “So, good news and bad news,” she told me with a smile as I looked at her behind my glasses. “Your nose is broken, but it’s not broken enough that I can’t reset it.”_

_“Ta,” I said thinking about how the photos tomorrow at the musical would have me with my hand over my face or a horrible bandage on my nose. Looking around I saw Gemma and waved over to her as she came to my side, grabbed my hand and as the paramedic counted to three I squeezed her hand as my entire body seemed to jolt in pain as she began to put a brace on my nose._

_“You did better than most,” she told me as my eyes were watering from the pain. Letting go of Gemma’s hand she kissed the top of my head as they began to clean up my face and she stayed there next to me and rubbing my back to comfort me as the pain was throbbing through my entire body. My eyes watched as my father finished talking with the cops, he made his way over to us, sitting down on the ground between me and Gemma. He wrapped his arms around us and pulled us close to his chest, giving each of us a kiss on the top of our heads. While most fathers would tell their children ‘it will be okay’ our father was more realistic and he just sat there with us._

_“I love you both,” he whispered to us. “I’m going to reach out and see if there is someone that you both can reach out and talk to if you want to about the divorce, your brother, mum, hell even me if there is stuff that you can’t talk to me about - or with me.”_

_“Thanks, dad,” Gemma said as she kissed his cheek._

_“You would do that for us?”_

_My father’s eyes turned and looked at me, “yes,” he said. “I want the best for both of you, and if you need to talk to someone then I will find someone for you to talk to and for as long as you need I will support you both.”_

_Maybe it would be okay - eventually._

  


**2011**

 

_Gemma and I sat in the waiting room of the hospital, we had gotten a call each from our father saying that Jonathan was in a hospital and that we needed to come if not for him but for our father. So we did. Gemma hopped on a flight from Seattle with her friend and I had Niall come with me for support since I wasn’t sure if I was even going to get on the flight for my disdain for Jonathan was there everyday when I looked in the mirror and looked at my nose. My body was waning from being up for almost 24 hours and sitting at the hospital with my father as my mum would walk in and out of the rooms and would walk past us to get a family member to see Jonathan before he well, died._

_A nurse had come out to get our dad and he had been in the room for a good hour and a half now which had me anxious knowing that this was probably going to be it. I always was anxious to see if our mother was going to let us in the room to say goodbye or if she was going to tell us no and blame us for him being where he was._

_“Do you need anything, darling?” Sebastian asked Gemma as she shook her head. “So, tea with milk and two sugars,” he laughed kissing the top of her head. “And for you guys? Gemma has taught me to make tea the proper way.”_

_“I’ll head down there with you, I’ll make Harry coffee,” Niall said as he stood up and he and Seb headed out of the waiting room. I knew that they would want to have a break from just sitting there but more than that, they would want to stretch their legs and if they could tell the change in the air then they wanted to give us some space . Moving a few chairs over I sat next to Gemma and placed my hand on hers._

_“He seems nice.”_

_Smiling she nodded her head, “he is just a friend.”_

_I wanted to roll my eyes but I just looked at my sister like she was crazy. There was no way that they were just friends, not with the way that he looked at her, and knew how to make her tea._

_“His wife passed away several months ago and we work together so I’ve been helping him with his daughter and just being a friend for him.”_

_“Ah.”_

_“We can discuss why you think I’m lying tonight when we get back to Dad’s,” she told me with a nudge as our father walked out to the waiting room and walked up to us. I wanted to be sad, I felt that I should be sad but as I sat there I didn’t feel anything at all for him. “What happened?” Gemma asked. We had been here for four hours and no one had told us what happened, mainly since dad was running around getting stuff settled while our mother just shot us looks._

_“Your brother took a mix of pills and shot up and overdosed - your mum didn’t find him till he was almost dead. She called the paramedics and they got him here this morning around 1am,” dad explained to us as he sat down on the coffee table, he placed a hand on each of our knees as he tried to get his words together. “They have put him on life support via your mum’s persistent request but they just ran some more tests and he is brain dead at this point - and would be a vegetable for the rest of his life,” he explained as I just sat there and found the words that he was saying was karma. “So, the nurses had to calm your mother down and we have decided that we are going to pull him off of everything. They said he won’t make it past the night, so you can go back there now and say what you want to say to him, and then I’m going to give Niall my keys and take you all home, you both need sleep and to eat something.”_

_“I’m sure Niall will make sure of that,” I told with a smile. “Is mum okay?”_

_Dad rolled his eyes and shrugged._

_“If you want, you can go back there and say what you want to say. The doctors don’t think he will make it that long once he is pulled off of life support.”_

_This was actually happening. I knew that I should feel sad, and I should want to run into his room, and cry at his bedside, telling him that I forgave him, and that I wish we had more time together and all that bullshit that you see in films and stage shows. But I felt nothing. There was no sadness, nor remorse, no will to go there and try and find out what I could have done something better._

_“Mr. Styles,” a nurse said as she pulled our father away from us and it was just Gemma and I again. We had lived for 9 years in fear, therapy and the ability to not have a functional relationship._

_“I can’t do this,” I said standing up and shaking my head. “You can do this, but I, I can’t, and I’m sorry Gem,” I said grabbing my messenger bag and leaving the waiting area. Even now I wanted to cry but nothing. And it wasn’t due to the lack of sleep and being emotionally and physically exhausted. As I tried to get out of the hospital Niall parted ways with Sebastian and he made his way towards me. “Harry, hey, Harry where are you going?” He asked me as he stepped in front of me. “Harry, stop.”_

_I shook my head, “I can’t do this Niall. I thought that I could, and I wanted to come down and help but… but I can’t. I want to be there for my father but I can’t face him. I don’t want to face, I don’t care about him, Niall. He ruined my childhood.”_

_“Harry,” he said setting the coffee and tea on a random table and placed his hands on my shoulders. “You don’t have to.”_

_“But I feel like I need to.”_

_“But you don’t have to,” he reminded me. “What are you feeling?”_

_“He ruined me, Niall,” I told him as I felt a lump in my throat. “I was not only the brother of Jonathan, but I had to watch as he tried to physically assault Gemma before I punched him and then he punched me so hard I ended up in the ER.” Niall’s eyes grew wide. He knew a bit about Jonathan but there was stuff that I kept to myself for the simple fact that the world didn’t need to know my entire business. “He used me as an ashtray, he would say things to me and Gemma that messed us up so bad that this is why I don’t have functional relationships and they stop when it comes to sex,” I said as my voice grew louder and the anger came bubbling up and out. “Him dying is justice, it’s what he gets for fucking over my entire life and still not being mentally there and not sure when I would be able to.” My hands shook as I stood there, my knees felt like they were jello while my feet were stuck in concrete blocks. My chest grew tight as if someone was grabbing lungs and then twisting them, and ringing them out like a wet rang. Blinking I needed to breathe but no air was coming out and I felt myself getting light headed. My hand grabbed Niall’s shirt as my legs gave out._

_“I got you mate,” Niall said as he wrapped his arm around my lower back and the other one on my shoulder as he helped me walk out of the hospital and made my way towards the rental car. “I will always have your back.”_

_“I know,” I said between deep breaths and a smile. “I know.”_


End file.
